Things I learned at the gym swimming today-

(To my old personal trainer at 24 hour fitness, Cheryl)

I miss my personal trainer Cheryl. I love you Cheryl! I wish I could afford to see you twice a week. I am afraid that if you found out I am having WLS you would be disappointed in me. I value your opinion and you did so much for me but alas, you are a size 2 and will never know the life of a morbidly obese person.

(To the guy with an eagle tattoo on his chest)

Just because you speak a different language that I can't understand doesn't mean I don't understand that you are making fun of me. I mean come on, lets be a little creative shall we?

(To the skinny guy who was standing by the side of the pool like, forever)

I like wearing my goggles out of the pool. Yes, I look funny but guess what!? They fog up and I can't see you and it makes me feel safer that way. Lets hear it for the "foggles!"

(To the good looking sandy blond guy)

Some men like to stare. It's a no brainer dude.. I am fat. Get over it. I have a big bum, my legs are dimply and I have a gnarly varicose vein that I wish would go away but you act like you want to get a closer look. Sure, come on over and while your at at lets give it a name, eh? How about "Veinus- a.k.a Venus, the Roman Goddess of love, or the second planet in our solar system. Take your pick, buddy.

(To the chic with long black curly hair)

I think that everyone should use the changing rooms to change in. It makes me weird out to see women strip down buck naked and walk around like its no big deal. I would have liked to compliment your hair but I was trying not to look up. Seriously... get. yourself. a. room.

(To my kids)

I enjoy showering at the gym because I don't have little kids pounding on the door or stuffing their fingers underneath to see if they can reach me. I take time to do a good job shaving and if I'm in an especially great mood I will go past the knee which doesn't happen very often cause mama don' wear no shorts!

(To the muscley guy who was running for an hour straight)

I wonder if I am the only one that gets toots from exercising? I swear I go all day feeling just great and the second I start walking fast, well... hell, I feel sorry for those that are unfortunate enough to be behind me. I blame it on my dear friend Fiber.

(To the guy a few inches shorter than me with the red swim trunks)

Just because I can't wear my wedding ring yet doesn't mean I am single. I don't need your attention, and no, I will not be going home with you tonight. Clearly you are into big girls... why else would you ramble on about nothing in a steam room and then ask me over when I have said zero back to you. Gross.

(To my BFF and DH)

I don't need my best friend or my husband to come with me to the gym anymore. I can go all by myself like a big girl. Their success or failures have nothing to do with me and visa versa.

(Lastly, to myself)

I can't wait to do an exercise class! I feel so out of shape right now and I know that I would only be able to keep up with 1/3 of the class. When I can do at least a half of the class then I will be there with bells on!