I'm getting close! Monday the 29th is my band day. I spoke to the hospital today and I need to be there at 5:30AM, scheduled for surgery at 8AM. I will spend the night with DD1 the night before because the hospital is an hour away from my home, but only a few minutes from her apartment. DH will come later - he took off from work even though I didn't want him to - I'm afraid he'll overhear how much I weigh. Isn't that crazy?? Even when I was pregnant with our 3 daughters, I didn't want him to know how much I weighed. Everyone elsed seemed so proud of their weight gain, or of their pregnant bodies, but I was ashamed - I remember it like it was yesterday. Not that he isn't able to see...it's just kind of the ultimate humiliation to weigh more (way more!!!) than him.

My doctor ordered a low carb diet for 2 weeks prior. I started a little before that, and she only ordered liquids for the day before. However, I've read so much here and on other sites, that I put myself on a liquid diet this past Monday. So far, I'm doing OK except a little light-headed at work. I hope the liver is nice and small.

I have a convention to go to this weekend with a bunch of teen-age girls, and we'll be eating out the entire weekend. I had to tell a few people about my surgery so they would know what was going on and so that they wouldn't try to get me to eat. They've been very supportive. This weekend will be tough, but the prize is in sight.

I've been reading some other blogs about anxiety and depression...I don't really feel that way, but it seems a little weird to me somehow - like I'm separating myself from the pack...does that make sense? Maybe if I were more comfortable sharing this experience with my co-workers, I would not feel as much like a phony. Does it feel like a cop-out to anyone to see others lose weight without surgery? I know, I've been there and tried it. And I owe it to myself, and I owe no explanations to anyone. There - I said it and I feel better.

I turned 50 this year and I can remember turning 40 saying I didn't want to be 40 and fat. Where did the 10 years go? I have a lot of life left in me - and I'm ready.

I probably will not post until after surgery since my weekend will be full. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support, for putting yourselves out there, and for being real. I know some folks don't like to read the blogs with complaining or negative thoughts, but for me, this is cathartic; and it's my diary.

Talk to ya'll later. Yes, I'm from Texas!