I need to write this tonight as I continue to struggle with each bite.

As the sunrises and with fresh eyes, a fresh attitude and determination I prepare each day with the attitude “In it to win it”, I can do the right thing.

As the sun moves from East to West and life starts to happen, where to move, what school is best for my kid, what do I want to do next with my career, can’t find time to work out, need to clear my desk of all the task, people working my nerves, not enough money seemingly to pay for private school or buy a house, my emotions kick into overdrive. As my emotions kick in so does the hand to mouth action. Never hungry just need to feed the stress of it all, the pain, the rush, the annoyance, the lack of time, the lack of fulfillment, the happy, the sad and every other emotion in between.

As the sunsets and the house settles to a hush, the loudest of the noises start to rush in. Then I’m like a Hoover sucking everything I can get down even when it hurts. Never hurts as much as the pain after dark. Never hurts as much! I pray, I pray, I write, I talk to the shrink, I write, I pray, I cuss, I cry, I cry, I cry, then I stuff, I stuff and I stuff more. Then I think about how I can get around this expensive thing in my chest getting in the way of my stuffing things. I was told to identify my feelings and then come up with something else to do in place of stuffing the food down.

I have come up with all types of things, work out, take a bath read a book, call a friend, watch TV and then…..I climb in my bed and it comes again when I settle in all alone and lonely. How do you get around the emptiness of being all alone and lonely?

Reading, working out, calling yet another friend never seems to end the loneliness, the pain and the hurt from this thing makes me crazy so I just stuff. Maybe if I could skip from noon to morning and miss the dusk till dawn then maybe just maybe I could get a grip on things.

So, here I stand doing the self talk thing once again!

Please hang in there- those quiet times are the hardest. Loneliness is so difficult...I struggle with that too. Please know you aren't truly alone in any of this- if you are praying then you must have a faith- go to that, believe in that, trust in that.... You have this forum to go to...you do have your friends and supporters. Just take it one day at a time- slow and steady wins the race. (I know those things may sound trite or cliche....but it is so true right now). May God bless you and continue to watch over you. You can message me anytime. (I haven't had the band yet- hoping to in Sept. - but i struggle with what you are talking about right now and it is one of my fears after the band too.)- take care