So it was a week on Saturday since I got my last fill and it’s tight.

But this last week I have truly struggled with eating. I can’t help but think back on the 12 steps again and what addiction means. It’s insanity! It’s insane when you pay $$$$$ to physically alter the ability to swallow food, so you can lose weight, but then you try and force food down after you have paid thousands of dollars to physically restrict your ability to do so. Then you spend more time trying to figure out how to get around the restriction but still think how bad you want to be thin. It’s so (insert several bad words here :wub::cursing::biggrin::cursing: x 10) mental.

So the last few days I have spent every meal staring :drool: at an abundance of food that I know, good and well I will never be able to eat but to satisfy my off balanced mental state I put it on my plate anyway. Then after a few bites I spend the rest of my time talking to myself about how insane it is for me to take another bite when I am already ready to puke it all back out.

So I can’t help but think what happened, what’s going on and how did I get so f&$* up? What is it that drives me to participate in this ritual, this thing that has caused so much pain in my life? I’ve been in therapy for the last six years and the more I think I know the more I don’t.

It’s getting better the last few days I have been able to put less food on my plate and love myself enough to provide myself with the self talk that I need to talk me off the “ledge”.

Sometimes I can’t do anything but laugh, to keep from crying and then I reach out to my God and ask, “So when you were dishing out issues and challenges how come mine could not be how to get over being wealthy or insanely beautiful with people fighting over me?”

But at the close of this writing the truth is for what ever reason this is the issue that I have to hurdle. It’s often reduced me to tears, deep depression, humiliation and disgust. But today is all I have and I have to keep remembering that my focus has to be on the meal before me and getting that right. Failure is not an option for me so I keep going into each meal knowing that I can and will do what needs to be done. My life is valuable and important to many, most importantly me.

Today was better than yesterday!

Peace, Love & Health

Metamorphosis

oh how i relate thanks for sharing and remember tommorrow will be better then today.

You said it right in there this in an addiction as powerful as any drug or alcoholic drink. Just because we have the band we are still addicts which I think makes people with the lap band the bravest, strongest people in the world. Not only do we make a choice to permanently put something in between us and our addiction we make the choice through bad and good to not let food beat us. Be proud of all your accomplishments this is a journey and you'll be a better stronger person for traveling it. Good luck :wub:

Your post left me with a gut wrenching tear jerking feeling. My God you summed it up better than most. I will pray for you as I hope you will pray for me. This has been my life time battle/stuggle/torment/love/hate addiction too. I am now 5 days post surgery and I really get it that I will never feel "normal" again. The love affair with food is over. It had to come to an end. And I am such a happy person in my life and with my husband, kids, dogs...but this struggle with weight has been something that I would never of wished on anyone. I know your pain. Hang in there. I believe we did the right thing as bizarre as that sounds. Stay in touch, you're not alone!!!