Sad.
All my life, my mother complained about my weight. I was often critized, warned, put through the ringer about how I looked. It was a battle with mom all my life.
I went to see my mom at the nursing home first time yesterday since I had the surgery 20 days ago. She has dementia. I asked her slowly if she noticed I lost weight? She just stared straight ahead , had no clue what I was talking about. I don't know if she knew who I was. I hugged her and I so wish she could see me now 39lbs less. She would be so proud of me. So happy. Sooooo "i told you so".
God, I wish mom had a moment of clarity and would see me and be happy for me at least for a few seconds. That would mean so much to me.
But as she stared straight ahead, all I can do is hug her and shed tears looking the other way so she doesn't see it. Not that it mattered, she wouldn't know what tears are or why.
Dementia sucks.
Today is day 6 of post op. I have managed to make it through another day and moving towards the light. Right now, I have only managed to put it about 300 calories for the entire day. (30 grams protein).
I knew I needed to walk, and so we went to the mall. This helps me get out of the house since I am getting cabin fever, While I was at the mall, I walked slowly and carefully as my side still is sensitive and it hurts. As I walked, all I could see was all the pretty clothes that I knew I was going to sink my teeth into when this post op journey subsides. OMG! Those clearance racks. You know how much money I am going to save!!??
I looked at shoes, clothes, the PRICES, I was so happy as I dragged my @ss along.
Then we were driving in a shopping center an guess what I saw? I saw Lane Bryant with a 70% off of clearance sign outside. As my boyfriend drove by it, I first saw it, smiled.....and then stuck my tongue out at it. Lane Bryant, I won't need you anymore real soon! Thank you for all those wonderful years that you saved my butt and made me look modern, cute and decent for work. But our time has come to part and I have to move on to other new store friends. Yes, Lane Bryant, I am breaking up with YOU and your credit card!!! WOOOHOOO.
As I sit here, I feel full, satisfied. Yet I see all these commercials for pizza and hamburgers, chicken nuggets. My eyes and head are still hungry. My boyfriend must think I am nuts. I sit here and it seems I have food tourettes. All of a sudden, I look at him and say " I want a cheeseburger" or "I want pizza". Hell, I want beanie weenies!! lol All I hear from him is "get over it". (As he munches away on good delishes food and I sip on a protein shake)
Can't wait till I can make a homemade hamburger so I can kill that head craving!
Well, here I am on the 16th day. Tomorrow I have my first follow up with my surgeon. I am nervous about it, not sure why. I hope I don't disappoint.
I am still struggling with solids. I am supposed to be on pureed food but I can't do it. So I stuck with protein shake and bars and soup. I have tried tinkering with certain solids but my stomach is not having it.
I think I am not chewing properly. I know we have to chew to the point of non existant, but I am not there yet.
Not a whole lot to say, other than I am on the dreaded 3rd week stall and I can barely make it to 400 calories.
Day 7!
Today is the first day I am by myself. Finally! I have been surrounded by people since the day of the surgery. Sometimes a girl needs some "me" time you know? Just time to yourself to think and even if it is just slouching in the couch watching hideous programs. Today is just me and my protein shake finally. I enjoy the quiet, nothing but my dogs snoring, small chattering from the tv in the background, and just trying to quietly take what has happened in the past week slowly in.
It has been overwhelming. It has been an emotional rollercoaster ride, feeling depressed, in pain, in doubt, fear?, regret?, and happy to be slimming down even if it means eating like a chipmunk for the rest of my life. UGH.
BUT, it has to be done.. There was no other way out. I tried everything, and I consider myself pretty active compared to others. But the eating habits, the carb, the fast food, the fried stuff was out of my control.
Do I miss certain foods? For sure! My head does. I practically eat with my eyes now, while this surgery has put a muzzle on my mouth practically (virtually). I would kill for a chicken nugget right now. But if I can't even down my protein shake, what in heavens makes me think I can swallow a nugget?
I think as of today, I am parting with boiled eggs. Something I liked before, I just can't stomach the texture now. It is amazing how things change. The deviled ham (a.k.a. cat food) is out the door too. THat was a desperate attempt to eat something other than shakes, well, it turned out to be nasty to me. Can't stomach that either. Do I fantasize a hamburger from Red Robin? HELL YEAH, can I have it? The reality is even if I wanted it and grabbed it, my stomach will have no part of it. So, I will just be more active in "Food porn" what can I say? lol
I broke out the wii today and did some aerobics. I was really feeling it in my legs. Then I sat down to finish the shake I have been working on for the past hour and half.
I guess I took this day just to have my mind settle. Tomorrow will be a more active day I am sure.
I still sleep in a fort of pillows.....but pain is subsiding and boredom increasing. I have no idea when I return to work. Hopefully soon, cause the money and the activity is needed. I have no idea how I am going to handle the gawking from people when I return.
double ugh.
