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Journaling the Journey

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Small Victory

Something great happened to me the other day at a theme park. Something that most "normal" people never even consider when they are out for the day enjoying the rides and fun. But it happened to me..... NOTHING! Yes!! Hooray!! NOTHING happened when I rode the rides!   What? Some may wonder. But they've never faced the embarrassment of not fitting on an amusement park ride and having to pretend you're getting off because you're just afraid to ride the roller coaster. They've never known the shame of having the ride staff try with all their might to close the bar over their big stomach and fail. They've never been squeezed into a ride so tight that they ended up with bruises on their sides. They've never had to worry the whole time they were in line if one of these awful situations awaited them at the front, or try to choose carefully the rides they were most likely to fit into.   Having faced all of that in the past, I am so happy to say that it didn't even cross my mind at the theme park this Sunday!! I easily got onto and fit every ride! Even rides that in the past were tight or painful, didn't even feel snug. What a joy! Small victory indeed! Just not having to wonder or worry or think about it was a wonderful thing. I felt so normal. And my heart went out to the others I saw who were bigger, and who I know from experience were having to deal with this humiliation and fear instead of having fun with their friends and families.   There are a lot of little things the "normal" sized folks never have to think about or even consider, and I'm glad for them. And now I don't ever have to think about this one again either. :D :D
okelly44

okelly44

1
 

Stop Dilly Dallying

Since the beginning of 2015 I have been enjoying all the compliments and applause.... and have come to rest on my laurels.   I enjoy the praise, but this is no time to get lazy, and I really have. I read somewhere that when people reach their goal, instead of thinking "Wow that worked so I'll stick with it!", then tend to feel like they're all done and inadvertently revert to their old habits. Yup.   I am glad to say I seem to have the maintenance thing down. Staying put isn't too hard when I work at it during the week and ease off a bit to enjoy my weekends. I've "restarted" with serious commitment a few times in the last 4 months without tremendous success, and have lost and regained the same 3-4 pounds a few times.   But then, one extra event takes place... a trip, a stressful week, something, and it becomes more than just a 2 day weekend of fluid boundaries. And I stepped on the scale and saw an 8 pound gain. NOOOOOOOOO!!!! :o :o   So that was it - no more dilly dallying, no more cruise control, no more resting on my previous accomplishments. Sure I feel great and fit and happy, but there's more work to be done. The longer I postpone it, the longer it will be until I can just be "normal." And I so look forward to being "normal", in that my struggle with weight is no longer a giant banner I carry for all to see. I want to shop at normal stores and fit in normal places and not worry about some things normal people never think of. You all know what I'm talking about.. .we've all been in those situations, right?   So, 3 weeks ago I went grizzly... attacking this thing like I did in the beginning. Seriously curbing the calories (800-900), working out 5 days a week, almost no carbs other than veggies, and writing everything down in the food log. And once again, the pounds started coming off quickly. Thank you, my teeny, tiny, sleeve!! I love you!! I dropped the 8 and 6 more to boot for a 20 year low of 244 lbs. WOW is THAT motivating!!   After the first day, I kind of got into a groove where I didn't want to blow it. Normally, I can find a bunch of reasons or excuses to go easy on myself, but once I made it through a day or two of the strict regimen, I felt like all the work would be wasted if I laid off now. I think about how every time I gain back a pound, it means the sacrifice I made to lose it was wasted. I have paid for the same 5 pounds over and over, but not anymore!   I want this trek over sooner than later, so I might as well be strong, sacrifice, and stop dragging it out.   So onto week four of the strict regimen. Reminding myself that my sleeve is just one tool in my arsenal and I still have to work at weight loss. Granted, I now can fight with a bazooka instead of a sling-shot but I still have to do my part. I want to see the 230's this week and never see the 240's again!
okelly44

okelly44

2
 

Winter Success

Huge Victory for me!! My ticker has a skier on it because my first goal was to lose enough weight to go snow skiing with my kids. We planned to take them for their first ski trip this January. I hadn't skied in 10 years or so and even though I've skied since I was a kid and even at big sizes, I was afraid I couldn't do it. 10 years older, heavier, etc.   But I had lost 45+ pounds by the time we went and the small victories (and big ones too!) were everywhere. First, being at the gym 5 days a week was a huge help. Even big, I am stronger and more athletic. In the past I had trouble finding ski clothes that fit me, trouble finding boots that fit around my shins, trouble bending over to latch the boots. Well, no more!   It was so great to shop for ski clothes just like everyone else. It was amazing (although no one else in the lodge would've realized it) to gear up and snap on my boots just like everyone else. I felt so strong hopping off the chair lift and cruising down just like everyone else and even better, skiing better than many of the other folks on the mountain!   Few understand the joy of just feeling like everyone else. They take that for granted, they don't even notice it and they sure don't realize what a huge triumph that is for some of us. Just feeling normal was a sweet, sweet victory. And the very best part of all, was riding the chair lift with my boys. A year ago I would have had to watch from the balcony of the lodge as everyone else skied. I wouldn't have been able to share in the funny memories of all of us falling together as we hopped off the lift at the summit, seeing Paul ski into this huge snow pile, or enjoying the gorgeous scenery on the way up and down of snow covered evergreens. I would never have experienced the serenity and peacefulness of the ride to the top and swishing my way down along side my kids.   I feel like the old me is BACK!!   Now I need a new goal. A couple of years ago we did a zip-lining birthday party for my son Dane. Needless to say, I stayed on the ground. I'm sure I was over their weight limit and probably wouldn't fit the harness. So my new goal is to do the 2 hour course this summer. I've lost enough weight, but I need to lose more inches to meet the harness restrictions. But for the first time, I really know I can do it!!   I have to admit, the last 7 weeks, I haven't lost anything though. I know why - drinking lots of calorie laden tea, cocoa, and coffee for one thing. Kind of hooked on that end of the day cookie as well. The bad habits of the holidays linger. At least I haven't gained anything and with all the sweets I've been eating that seems a surprise! So I have to get back my most serious focus. My birthday is 7 months away. I could conceivably be at my goal weight by then.   How would that be for a goal?!?!?!?!
okelly44

okelly44

4
 

Cruising Along

So, when the stall broke, it broke! I lost 6 pounds, then 3 the next week, and finally 4 last week. Now THAT feels more like it. Believing that a stall will end is different from seeing it happen. I feel so much more positive! I hope that I can keep this in mind the next time I hit a stall or what some folks call a set point. I haven't been this low in so ling, I have no idea what that next set point might even be!   Still kind of annoyed with myself for being such a slave to the scale - I am just on cloud nine when I see a loss. I love the feeling but have to not get upset when I don't see the loss I want or any loss.   it's seeming kind of easy right now, dare I say? I'm not restricting myself to 800 calories, but I shoot for that and usually end up somewhere between 800 & 1000. So far, this feels right, feels good. i was losing 2 pounds a week on 1,200 so the doc said anything under that is great. So, with few exceptions, I'll keep it around 1000 max. And, you know, it's not all that hard, especially if I stay busy during the day. In the old days, strict restrictions made me starving by dinner and I invariably ate too much. Now of course, I can only eat a certain amount, feel full and so I stop. Wonderful!   Some things I need to continue working on though...   1. Stopping when full, not stuffed 2. Not feeling compelled to eat everything on the plate or waste it. 3. Not listening to my mouth which wants to taste more, when my stomach is saying "no thanks!" 4. Eating mindfully, meaning being fully aware and focused on what and how much I am eating.
okelly44

okelly44

0
 

Patience Pays Off

Well hooray! I got on the scale Friday and finally saw the "catch up" loss I was waiting for - 8 pounds. I knew that the laws of physics would have to kick in at some point. I had gotten so fearful that I went to eating almost nothing but protein shakes and fish and veggies for dinner. Religiously avoiding simple carbs and any sugars just to be sure it wasn't me doing something wrong. But at 800-1000 calories, how could I NOT lose even if I did eat bread?!?!   So, patience paid off. Everyone said to hang in there, stick to the plan, lots of logical reasons why the scale wasn't moving and of course, that was all true. I felt such a relief when I got on that scale.   And you know what, DAMN IT! Damn that damn scale for having the power to make or break my week. But it's a bit like a drug... when I see a drop I get soo happy and I want that feeling! But then I let the flip side just crush me. Gotta stop that. Gotta see this as a long term change and if I don't lose this week, then it'll be next week. Who cares when in the next year or so, so long as it's an overall downward trend, which it will be if you really change the lifestyle permanently. Right....?   I still want my drug...   So tomorrow is weight in day.. let' see if I'm truly over the stall and there will be a nice 2-3 pound, more regular, steady loss to cheer me on to victory.
okelly44

okelly44

1
 

First Steps

Well, I have had lots to say since the day I started talking but never put it in writing before. This should be interesting. Too bad I have to type it all out -I'd rather just talk into the mic like I do with texts on my iPhone!   Ok - 6 weeks out of surgery...   Week 1, down 7 now THAT's what I'm talking about!! (290)   Week 2, down 6 Oh I got this... so easy! (284)   Week 3, down 6, More food choices and it's still dropping away. Finally under 283 - that hump from hell I couldn't pass on my own! (279)   Week 4, down 2, Hmm, well ok, not great but still a loss. (277)   Week 5, down NOTHING! OMG!! Nada, Nyet, Rien!!! how can this be? How can the famous 3-4 month honeymoon phase be over already? I knew this was too good to be true. I'll probably wake up tomorrow and have gained 30 pounds! WTH! Ok, now really bummed. Am I really sticking to the program or do I just think I am? Maybe it's a fluke. Bad scale at gym... It did just get fixed so maybe it's way off. Hope so.   Week 6, down NOTHING! Ok now wait a darn minute. Depending on the scale, even gained 2! Although it seems like I'm taking in less than 800 calories a day, I think I need to be even more vigilant. Maybe it's what I'm eating. No more pudding and small pieces of bread. Maybe it's not about what I can tolerate as the doc says, but making better choices? In the first months you're supposed to lose almost no matter what you eat since you're eating so little. Maybe my body is used to the smaller amounts because of my pre-surgery diet and so there's not much impact.   Ok, I'm not giving up, I'm getting tough (and mad) at this fat. IT IS GOING!! So for the last 10 days I have had virtually no simple carbs and no sweets. Nothing but protein shakes, cottage cheese, yogurt, cheese stick here and there, and mainly fish with a few veggies. Also did some research on the rules and why they are as such... seems I was taking a few for granted, like the "no drinking with or 30 mins after a meal". Now I realize it's to keep you full longer as well as not wash the nutrients away before they're digested. Good to know. Also, protein and heavier, thicker things stay in the stomach longer than say... all the soup I was eating, so those food should keep me full longer.   I have noticed that I get hungry more often, obviously because my stomach empties more quickly. I like the protein shakes but I'm hungry not to long afterward. Hmmm. Need to get with Katie, the nutritionist to make sure I'm doing things right. Eating about 6 times a day but small and full of protein. With -315 or so from the gym, my calorie count is about 500-600 a day. So, why the hell am I not losing?   Theories - Maybe my body is used to the smaller amounts because of my pre-surgery diet and so there's not much impact. My body is in shock form the quick 19 pounds loss and is hording the calories fearing starvation? According to Ruth you always gain a pound or two before you lose a big amount. Rather than steady decline, it's a step like scenario, and I'll catch up with a big loss soon? 800 is too low, shoot for higher or your body thinks it's starving.   There are apparently many posts on this 4-6 week stall - happens to lots of people so I feel a little better about that. If I stay very much on track, then the laws of physics should apply soon. They have to. In the meantime, it is sure disheartening. I even cried. Feeling like the whole thing was pointless if I have to struggle so hard already. Really, it's the same damn policing work since now I'm going for 800 instead of 1,200. I was hoping that it would be simpler... not such a fight. I knew I'd have to eat well, but I thought I'd have no more hunger pains pulling at me. I thought the sleeve would make it easier to stay within the calorie count of 1,200. I chose 800 to speed things up and make the most out of the first year of tremendous weight loss, since I have so far to go.   I wanted 20 in month 1 and 10 per month thereafter, hoping for a loss of 60 and a weight of 237 by the time we go skiing in December. Stay tuned.   In the meantime, gotta stay devoted, focused, upbeat, and fierce.
okelly44

okelly44

2
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