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LaVerne's Journey

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I'm still standing

It's not getting much easier. I'm sticking with the diet changes that I'm supposed to make, but they are not easy! Sometimes I just want a sandwich! Or a bowl of cereal. That used to be a great, easy dinner when I didn't feel like cooking. We've been eating eggs a lot lately. When I make them over medium (with the yolk still runny), I just want a piece of white bread to sop up that yolk! It's the best thing in the world when you can't have it. I can do without pasta - except for Aunt Faye's mac & cheese that I only get on holidays. That's my only pasta vice. I will have a bite (or 3) of that at Christmas time - no matter what. Hopefully by then I'll have had surgery and be well enough to be ok with the occasional treat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning my cheats even before I get my surgery date. There are so many things that I shouldn't have that I can absolutely see myself never wanting again. And I am ok with that. I would be totally satisfied if I never had spaghetti noodles with my meatballs & sauce again. Like I said, pasta isn't a big thing for me, unless you put a pan of Aunt Faye's mac & cheese in front of me... I would be completely happy to never have white bread again - I'll be just as happy with some yummy whole grain ONCE IN A WHILE. There are too many sugar free options for me to worry about every having sugar again, no worries there. Rice - eh - not a big deal to me. I would like to be able to have some really good sushi again, but I'm sure my sleeve will only allow so much. I'm ok with that. I'll just make sure that I have the best quality to make up for the quantity. Potatoes aren't that big of a deal for me either. Who doesn't love a nice baked potato or yummy garlic mashed potatoes, but I'd much rather have that filet. I can make those choices and not feel deprived. I'll be fine with it. Do you see what I've done here? It was not my intention to write about what I can do. It was my intention to rant a little and let off steam about how much I just wanted to give up. But here I go - I've convinced myself that I can do without these things. I've turned my head hunger around just a little bit and reminded myself that I don't need it. I know someday I'll be able to add some of these starches back into my life, but for now, they aren't priority. Yes, I miss bread & rice & potatoes! I'm only human. But I can make this journey. I can do what I have to do. I want to do this! I need to do this! My life depends on this. In my first consultation, Doc told me that my chances of living to age 65 were 10%. I'm 35 years old. I never thought it was this bad. I knew I was fat - that was never a secret. I knew I was doomed to high blood pressure & diabetes. It's all over my family. But I never thought I'd hear someone tell me that I probably wasn't going to make it to retirement age. My last two years have been tough medically. And it seems to never end. I truly believe that it can all be alleviated, or at least helped, if I could just get rid of this weight. I'm carrying around enough weight to almost equal 3 of my 14 year old daughter. WOW! That's a lot! I can not continue to live like this. I don't know where I'm finding this discipline, but I thank God for it. It's so hard. I just pray it will be worth it in the end.

<3 Carolina Girl <3

August 19, 2014

Update

Well it's been a while since I've posted. I was still pre op then. November 10th, I joined the loser's bench! I like this bench! I've lost about 12 lbs since surgery already. Surgery went great, no complications. Doc says it was a little challenging getting to where he needed to be because I have a small frame/bone structure as far as my rib cage, etc. That sounds like a plus to me - it means I may have the opportunity to be skinny at some point. I always thought that I was "big boned" and would always have a large frame...never be what I'd consider skinny. I don't know if that's what I want to be, but we'll see as time passes. My goal is 145 lbs and I've thought that would be quite ambitious and always had 160 in the back of my mind as where I could be happy. Knowing that my frame is smaller than my doctor expected, I'm just not sure what to expect now. My hospital stay was not too bad. Day of surgery, I didn't make it to a room until around 3pm, but I was up walking a few times that evening. My blood pressure went kind of low, so I was a little restricted on walking until they pushed some fluids to bring it back up. I had a horrible roommate the first night , luckily she was discharged the next day, so my second night was more peaceful & I was able to rest. My leak test was the day after surgery - which I passed - so I got to have tiny bits of liquid throughout the day. My doctor has never had a leak, so I was pretty confident. Second day was kinda rough having had no sleep, thanks to the roommate from hell. So I was glad when I had surpassed my walking goal for the day and could finally just go to sleep. Day 3 I was there for half the day before discharge, but had to make sure I was able to keep down a certain amount of liquids before being released. I have been able to keep everything down, no nausea at all, thank goodness! And pretty much things have been going great! Surgery was on a Monday and I returned to work the next Monday with no worries. It's Wednesday now and although I am tired at the end of the day, I'm doing well with being back. Liquids are boring! I am so looking forward to my next appointment (Tuesday) so that I can move on to mushy foods. I'm going nuts with only my protein, water, broth and jello. It really is boring! I am allowed small amounts of very thin cream of wheat or oatmeal "If I must." I've been trying to stay away, but I just feel like I need something else. It's not true hunger, but just the lack of variety, I think. I don't feel hungry at all. I just know I have to get something inside of me and when I think of my options, it's rather depressing. Just one more week - I can make it. It'll be so worth it in the long run. I'm so happy that I made this decision and actually went through with surgery. It's hard to imagine what things will be like in a few months when I start to get more and more weight off. I won't know what to do with the extra energy! I'm looking forward to getting more involved in lots of things. I can't wait to do the more active things that I always wanted to try, but always felt I was too big for. White water rafting comes to mind...

<3 Carolina Girl <3

November 19, 2014

Just the beginning

Not really sure where to start. I want to document my journey and become a part of this community. So I guess I'll start with what brought me here. I have been large my entire life. I have very few pictures from my childhood where I thought I was normal size. I'd say that stopped by the time I reached first or second grade. I'm 35 years old now. I topped out at 360lbs in 2011. Until that point, I had not kept up with my health at all. No yearly doctor visits, I hadn't even seen an OBGYN since 1999 when my daughter was born. An occasional trip to the urgent care center for a horrible migraine that I couldn't get rid of would always result in my promising to see my PCP (didn't even have one) and taking care of my HBP. My breakdown came in 2012. I had always had unpredictable monthly cycles, but this one was off the charts! (TMI warning) I bled for a straight 4 months with no breaks! I finally had to break down and find an OBGYN to see. A month of trying different drugs stopped it for a few days, but it came back with a vengeance, ultimately leading to a D&C to reset my body. This scared me. I found a PCP and started to try and get myself together. I was lucky to find a PCP that I love on the first try. I would have given up if I'd had to "shop" for a doctor. So we got my BP stabilized with meds, I started on cholesterol meds as well and added in an antidepressant to help me through this. After more testing, she warned me that I was on the diabetic borderline. We started talking weight loss & she suggested phentermine. I started it and loved it! the weight was coming off, slowly, but surely. I did 3-4 months on and 1-2 months off. Things were looking up. I got down to about 320 or so, and I thought I was doing great. Then I decided I could do it on my own - without the phentermine. I seemed to be building a tolerance to it anyway, so I stopped taking it. Yeah, that didn't work out too well. I gained back every single pound! Not to mention, in the interim, I had a heart scare (another long story) that now prevents me from having the phentermine option again. So now, here I am. I'm at 333lbs. I finally had the courage to ask my PCP about surgical options. She was happy that I asked. She thought it was the right option for me, but was not going to push it. (I had mentioned it before & we decided to try phentermine first) I've been to the info session & have an appointment on the 28th for my first surgical consultation. It's been a few weeks since the info session & I'm trying to experiment with upping my protein, downing my carbs, etc. I even tried my first protein shake today...UGH, that's gonna be tough! Right now, I have a lot of confidence in my ability to get this done - with the help of a surgical tool. I'm excited at the thought of getting down to a size that I have literally never been before! I'm excited at the thought of cleaning my closet out because everything is too big! I'm excited to be able to walk for more than 10 minutes without pain. I'm excited to be able to ride bikes with my daughter - something she always wants to do, but I can barely make it down our street before feeling like I have to turn around, or I won't make it back home. I've been reading so many success stories in this and other forums and I want to be there too! Oh, and I can't forget! While it might not be good news that my husband was put on insulin this week for his diabetes, it's great news that he has decide to "seriously consider" having surgery as well because of it. I certainly hope he does. It would be great to have each other to lean on and to actually know what the other is going through. It will be a different journey for him - I think he leans more towards a lap-band procedure, while I am pretty much convinced I want to do the sleeve - but we could take this journey together. I sure hope he goes all in! I'm ready to start my journey. I hope that I will find friends here to support me along the way. I look forward to being able to learn and experience all that comes with WLS so that I can share my knowledge in the future to those who are just starting out. I'm ready for a healthier me. I'm ready to be a healthier wife & mom. I want to LIVE - not watch my life go by as only a spectator. I guess that means it's time for a change. Let's get this party started!

<3 Carolina Girl <3

July 10, 2014

Feeling BLAH

I don't want to be a downer, but I promised myself I would document how I feel through this process, so I'm going to be honest. Last night, after work, I thought it'd be a good idea to "reward" myself since I've spent all week seriously trying to eat smaller portions and better foods - and lots of protein! I talked my husband into going out for dinner. Nothing awesome, just some chicken wings. Not even the worst choice we could make. We usually share a platter of 20 assorted flavors & a big order of fries. We opted for fried mushrooms as an appetizer last night & did not order fries. My body must have been getting used to smaller portions. I know I felt full, but my head hunger got the best of me. I really wanted those wings! I did end up bringing 2 home, but I should have stopped sooner. I felt completely awful, not just mentally, but physically. I shouldn't have thought of a bigger meal as a reward. That's not the kind of reward I need. It's not even a reward - it's just another hurdle. Another thing I'm worried about...am I obsessing on things a little too early in my process? I think I'm going to take it a bit easier for a little while. My first appointment is still 17 days away and it feels like FOREVER. I'm going to drive myself nuts! Don't get me wrong - I WON'T give up. I won't eat everything in sight, I won't stop trying to get some exercise in. I just won't be so obsessive until I know what my doctors really want me to do. So there - I'm not perfect. I'm never going to be perfect, but I'm not going to stop striving for the best me that I can be.

<3 Carolina Girl <3

July 11, 2014

25 days & maybe a little numb?

It's been a little while since I posted. As of my last update, my case had not yet been submitted. Well it was submitted on September 29th and I received the best call ever on October 1st. It barely took a day to get my approval! How awesome is that?!?! I was given the choice to move up my surgery date, but the only date available was my daughter's birthday. I was afraid that might happen...I just couldn't do this on her day, so I've kept my November 10th date. I was so excited to get my approval call. I'm a little concerned now though, because I'm not really feeling much of anything at the moment. I know time is getting closer, but I'm not getting anxious like I expected. I've been a little lax about logging my meals, I haven't been increasing my steps like I should. Although I know I'm still dropping a little weight, I'm not as passionate about this as I was at first. I think I have become bored with it. It's not easy anymore, the new-ness is gone. I know I'm going to have the surgery and will make sure that I don't gain, but I want to be excited again. Is this fear trying to creep in on me? I don't feel scared or worried. I just don't feel anything. Twenty five days, while I know isn't that long, seems like an eternity right now. I am just ready for it to be here. I feel I'm merely existing until that day. My birthday is in 4 days and my daughter's is in 5. My 5th wedding anniversary is a week from today. None of this excites me right now. I don't even want to deal with them. As a matter of fact, I haven't dealt with them. I haven't done a single thing for my daughter's birthday. Haven't even thought of how to celebrate my wonderful husband for our anniversary. Everyone around me has been so excited for me and ask me about it all the time. I put on a face, and I am excited in that moment, but I miss the life-consuming excitement that I had at the beginning of my journey. Is it because I won? Is it because I know I've beaten all of the hurdles that I had to overcome? Maybe this is my form of fear - avoidance - of thinking of the even bigger hurdles that are yet to come. That may be it...

<3 Carolina Girl <3

October 16, 2014

Struggles!

The countdown is at 19 days now. In my last post, I was kind of numb to what I felt about things. Not long after I wrote that post, things turned upside down for me and I've been tested and tried for the past week. I've been dealing with the loss of a grandparent and burying him on my birthday. I'm not sure about you guys, but when there's a death around here, everyone and their brother brings food for the family. My mother (who lives with us) has had some sort of episode that almost took her life. Amid those happenings, were my birthday on Monday and my daughter's yesterday. I'm so tired at this point, I don't know what to do with myself. With everything going on, I have failed my eating plan. My choices haven't been terrible except a few small slips here and there, but it's not structured and I have not been logging anything. I wouldn't even have my step counts if it weren't for my fit bit logging automatically. I feel like I've lost control of it all. I hope that things will settle down soon. I don't have much time left for this havoc! I have my pre-op appointment this afternoon. I'm nervous and don't know what to expect. I know I've lost a few pounds, but I'm worried that it's not as much as I'd like. I'm worried about talking about my shortcomings in the last couple of weeks. I really am motivated to have this surgery and change my life. I know I have to work extra hard in the coming weeks and months. I know I have to be normal to have these set backs, but I do NOT want to have this jeopardize my surgery. I know the surgeon can change his mind. While I know that the only reason he would is if he truly believed that I was not ready for this, but I am SO SO SO ready! I may not have the passion that I felt when this was all so new, but I still have the need and desire to be healthy. And I want to get started on that as soon as possible. Maybe a visit with Doc will give me the boost I need to get through the next 19 days and give me that drive back. I always go in worried and stressed and come out with a totally different outlook. SO wish me luck guys...my time is drawing near.

<3 Carolina Girl <3

October 22, 2014

Hurry up & wait

I've been trying to slow down and not let this thought of surgery consume my entire life just yet. I'm sure I have plenty of time to get all of the information I need. After all, I'm still 12 days away from my first surgical consult. But it seems like time is standing still and I can't wait to get the proverbial ball rolling. My husband thinks I'm crazy...who gets excited about the possibility of having their insides rearranged and removed? I'm pretty impressed with myself as far as eating less, smaller portions, less calories and very few carbs. Sugars and sweets haven't really bothered me at all. It's been a long time since I was a regular soda drinker, so I'm not going to have a bit of a problem letting those go. I am still having a problem with breakfast though. I have some protein shakes, but I'm not a big fan of sweet stuff in the morning. Why can't they be bacon flavored? LOL! I know I'll need to try other types of protein mixes and shakes to find something I can stomach, but I'm worried about buying these huge tubs and not being able to use it. I guess I need to start checking out websites and looking for samples. My morning McDonald's habit is the worst decision of my day, but I feel like I have no time in the AM to do anything at home - and let's face it, there aren't a lot of good options for breakfast on the go. I'm just going to have to suck it up and get up a little earlier in the mornings I guess. Hopefully time will start to tick a little faster for me...I'm ready to start this journey!

<3 Carolina Girl <3

July 15, 2014

Let's get this party started!

So I finally have my initial surgical consult today. I've been looking forward to this for what seems like so long! I had an appointment with my PCP on Friday. In the time since I'd lasts seen her, about 6-8 weeks, I think, I've lost 18 lbs! That's so exciting! Anyone have suggestions on questions for me to ask? I have read so much here and on other forums/sites that I'm not even sure where to start. I guess I just need to see what he says. I think my biggest fear for today is that he will suggest bypass over the sleeve. I am pretty confident in the sleeve decision. I don't think I would get enough results with a band, and I don't want to go as drastic as the bypass - it scares me. I don't want anything re-routed, I hope to not have to take supplements forever. But with a BMI over 50, I'm worried that he will want to go for a more drastic approach. My husband will be coming with me for this appointment. I'm so glad to have him on my side. He's such an amazing support. I think this is going to be a journey we take together. His diabetes has not been adequately controlled by oral meds, so our PCP put him on insulin injections a few weeks ago. This really freaked him out. He never wanted to take the injections. It really bothers him. So between his PCP appointment and him going to the info session with me, he has decided to look into surgery as well. He's not as large as I am, but could definitely stand to lose a good amount of weight. He is leaning towards the LAPBAND. I'm so excited that he is on board, not only with me doing this, but to get himself more healthy as well. As for me, I just want to push fast forward and get it done. There are moments when I'm scared, but those are few and far between. I want to be healthier. I want to be active. I want to not be in pain from just walking down the street. So guys, wish me luck this afternoon. It's going to be a LONG Monday as I watch the clock until 3:15! But I'm taking one step closer to the loser's bench!

<3 Carolina Girl <3

July 28, 2014

Rambling...

Last week I went for my first surgical consultation. I'm so impressed with the Dr & his staff. Everyone is so nice. They scheduled my appointment for my Upper GI, EKG & chest Xray, and they were done yesterday. My next appointments will be with the dietitian & exercise physiologist. I still have to set up a psych evaluation. So I'm moving right along... Doc was very encouraging and talked through some of my concerns. He took the time to hear my story and he agreed with me - he too, believes that the sleeve would be the best option for me. I had an "aha" moment...or actually, a weekend worth of it. We had friends in town to visit this past weekend. I knew there would be a good bit of alcohol involved in our visit. But I actually went completely off my wagon! My eating wasn't as awful as it could have been, but I wasn't following the plan. breads & potatoes were the biggest culprits. I even passed on ice cream...so I guess I wasn't so bad. But I certainly felt the difference. I gained 9 lbs from Friday morning to Sunday evening. Salty margaritas are my vice, so I'm sure most of that was water retention, but still - it made me feel horrible, physically & mentally. At the same time, I was able to recognize that I'm not going to be able to do this anymore. I don't need the alcohol in such mass quantities, I truly don't need the breads and potatoes - I would have been fine without them. I just have to work on finding better food choices when we're out and about. I'm back in the saddle again this week. And the water weight is dropping off already. I know I shouldn't be weighing myself everyday, but I have been & right now, I'm glad to see it going back down. Once I get back to where I was last week & see steady loss for a while, I'll stop weighing everyday. I've also called my insurance company to verify coverage and prerequisites for my surgery. I shouldn't have any problems, but I'm afraid of one bit of red tape. I'm supposed to have 6 months of consecutive medical weight loss (failure) documentation. I think I should be OK because I did take phentermine for several months and this was all documented, of course. And since then, I've regained every bit of the weight lost on that program. My worry is that "consecutive" word. I'm not sure that I was in the office exactly every month. I will be going to see her again at the end of the month, so I'll find out then. I really don't want to have to drag this out for 6 months. I'm hoping that I will be approved based on the records we have already established. I would be devastated to have to wait so long. I'm ready now. I want so much to start feeling better. I hate feeling so tired all the time! I hate that my back hurts from carrying all of this weight all my life. I hate knowing that I have only a 10% chance of living until I'm 65. Really? So my life is more than half over right now! Unless I can lose this weight, I won't have a life. I'm merely existing from day to day right now. I don't feel like I live at all. Who knows if I'll make it another 6 months? With my family history and horrible health as it is, I am simply a walking time bomb. I'm rambling...just some random thoughts that pop into my head.

<3 Carolina Girl <3

August 6, 2014

Impatiently waiting

This month is dragging by! It seems I'm waiting so long between my appointments...they seem to never come. I've got a week & a half still before my next appointment. I'm being very impatient. I think I'm doing very well on changing my diet. My doctor believes in and teaches that starch addiction is the reason behind obesity. While I know that not everyone is the same, I have cut out starches (bread, pasta, potatoes, rice & sugars) and am losing without much other effort. I feel like I've cut my portions pretty well. I use MyFitnessPal & 9 times out of 10 I'm well below my calorie allowance for the day. I look back at what I used to eat and I'm really amazed at how many calories are in starches. And I really don't miss them. The biggest issue I have is eating out for lunch. I try to bring food from home, but many times I don't. I know I should plan ahead more & I'll have no choice but to do so after surgery. I have a 30 minute lunch break with very limited options for lunches...and when you add in the fact that I'm broke and everything nearby is so expensive, it's just hard to make good choices. Wendy's chili is a great, cheap lunch & fills me well - but it gets tiring when you have it two or three times a week. I have to say though, I have not made those bad choices on this front for quite a while. I am willing to have chili as my "safe, go-to" rather than stuff french fries in my face. Just another thing I'll have to work on. Rome wasn't built in a day, right?! I know I need to get moving more, that will accelerate my loss, but almost every day, the number goes down just a little. I keep hoping that I'll start feeling some of the energy come back to me. Right now, I am tired & exercise, even just walking, wears me out pretty quickly. By the time I work a full day, come home, make dinner for the family, I'm pretty much wiped out. But I'm going to get there. I have to push myself & I've not been doing that much. The rainy weather we've had lately hasn't been cooperating with my walking either. Just excuses though...it's me & I have to own up to that. I'm anxious to meet with the exercise physiologist to see what is expected of me. Am I going to have to make it up to a consistent average of 10,000 steps before I can have surgery? There's another question to add to my list. I guess I'm not exactly clear on my requirements. Doc assures me that it's not a race to surgery & he's there for me until I'm ready - whether it takes one month or two years, but what does he consider "ready"? I feel like I'm ready right now. I foresee a long conversation when that appointment finally gets here. I probably bore you all with my ramblings, but it's good for me to put my thoughts - no matter how random - out there. It helps me to slow down my mind for a moment and see my thoughts. And if by chance I stumble across anything that helps or provokes thoughts or ideas for someone else, then yay - bonus! Best of luck to you all in your journeys. I'm finding this site very informative and helpful. Thanks for reading my ramblings

<3 Carolina Girl <3

August 12, 2014

Moving along

I had another appointment with my surgeon yesterday. He was extremely happy with my food journals. My Upper GI, chest x-ray and EKG were great. And I've lost 9 pounds! He had told me his best expectation of his new patients was about 4 lbs in a month. I more than doubled that! It's paying off! I feel pretty impatient at most times, and just ready to get this surgery, but knowing all that I'm going through is really paying off, makes all the waiting worth while. So then we talk about my other outstanding appointments & that they'll be completed next week. He says, great! Then here's your blood work orders, get your PCP to send over their records and recommendation letter. Come back to see me next month and we'll set your surgery date! I was floored! Really? So soon? I don't have to wait forever & ever?! You couldn't have knocked the grin off my face. Then we talked for a minute about my insurance. I had spoken to them a few weeks ago & was expecting to be mailed all of the requirements, etc, of bariatric surgery, but it never came. I explained that from my understanding, I would need the 6 consecutive month weight loss attempt - documented by a Dr, of course. He told me, no worries, if that's what we have to do, we'll just keep seeing you every month until we get there. And that's fine. We talked about this to the lady in the office that works closest with the insurance companies. She tells me she should have the policy already. She finds it, prints it out and gives me a copy. We're looking over it and sure enough, there's that stipulations - six months documented attempt, blah, blah, blah. So I leave the office. I had another appointment to get to. Actually with my PCP, so I'm all fired up to find out if last year's phentermine attempt had me in the office for 6 consecutive months. I'm crossing every finger, toe and eyeball in hopes that I won't have to wait another 4-5 months. As I'm waiting to be called back, I find the next point in the stipulations - the six month documented attempt will be waived if the patient has a BMI of greater than or equal to 50. (I have a BMI of 53/54) Fireworks went off in my chest! Really?! So, that means, I can get my surgery date next month?! Do you have any clue how excited this made me? I was literally sitting in my Dr's waiting room, reading from this huge stack of papers and wiping tears from my eyes. I couldn't wait to get out of the Dr's office so I could go back to the surgeon's office to let everyone know what I found! Sounds crazy and dramatic, but I was crazy with excitement! And I also had forgotten to make next month's appointment, so I needed to go back anyway. I showed the ladies what I'd found and they were all so happy for me. My surgeon has such a wonderful team. I'm so blessed to have found them. Everyone is so supportive and welcoming. They treat you like family and it's a wonderful feeling. I know I'm in good hands and I'm so thankful for this feeling of confidence in them. So now I just have to get a few things out of the way - Tuesday I'll have my Dietitian and Exercise specialist appointments. The following Saturday, I have my second/final session with the psychologist and one day I'll drop by the hospital for my blood work. Then I see Doc again on September 22nd to set my surgery date. I'm coming into the home stretch! I'll be sleeved within two months and I am barely containing my excitement. Thanks again for reading my ramblings. Best of luck to each of you, no matter where you are in your journey!

<3 Carolina Girl <3

August 26, 2014

Anxious

I'm about an hour and a half away from my next appointment with my surgeon. As far as I know, all of the hoops have been jumped & cleared & we will set a surgery date today. I've met with the dietitian. I've had my chest xray, EKG & swallow test completed. I've been to two sessions with a psychologist. I've been cleared on all of those. My blood work was done last week, so we should be going over those numbers at my appointment today. I don't foresee anything there holding me back. My only worry this far has been my BMI. I know I've lost a few pounds this month, but am hoping I haven't fallen below the 50 threshold. If I have, I may still be waiting for a few months due to my insurance's 6 month supervised requirement. That requirement is waived for patients with a BMI over 50. I'm right on that line, so it's been a little LOT stressful. I've faltered this month because of that stress. As much as I swore that I didn't want to sabotage myself into not losing any weight, I let myself eat some things I shouldn't have. I haven't been keeping my food logs like I should have and I have been lax about getting in my steps/exercise. I've tried to keep these things under control, but it's been quite a struggle. I know I have lost a little weight and am very thankful, but I'm positive that had I not been stressing over this insurance situation, it would have been an even greater loss. I suppose I should just be thankful that I didn't let those demons consume me so much as to make me gain this month. I don't know why I'm stressing so much on this - maybe it's just my nerves creeping in as I get closer to surgery. My head knows that I'll be fine and I'm going to know my date within the next two hours. Am I setting myself up for the worst case scenario so I'm not disappointed so much when it doesn't happen? Rambling again... On another note - I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time with clothes very soon. I'm already throwing out some of my panties - they feel like an extra yard of fabric is flopping around under my butt! None of my jeans fit anymore. I'm constantly pulling them up. Heaven forbid I have to carry a lot of stuff upstairs. With my arms full & no extra hands, my pants have been known to shimmy down by the time I reach the second floor! I've been over 300lbs for most of my adult life, so I don't have a stash of clothes to go backwards into like some people may. I'm not complaining - it's an awesome problem to have, it's just going to start getting expensive here very soon. But I'm still in such a large size (guessing I'll need 24 or 26) that it's hard to find in the thrift/goodwill stores. I don't want to spend a lot of cash on new clothes that I'm going to be falling out of in a few months either. I'm broke enough as it is. LOL. Well it's about that time that I head out for my appointment. Wish me luck guys...maybe my nerves will be calmed in a little while!

<3 Carolina Girl <3

September 22, 2014

42 Days and counting

A week ago, I went for an appointment to check in and hoping to get my surgery date. My stats looked great - lost another 7 lbs! We talked about some risks and went over what still needed to be done to submit to my insurance company. I have completed everything, they just had not received the letter from my psych evaluation yet. I'd not written out my daily food/exercise logs, so I'd need to print out my logs from MFP. Because I needed those things we scheduled a couple of extra weeks out from his normal 30 days. By Wednesday, I'd turned everything in & sent a copy of the psych evaluation. The office needs a couple of days to compile everything, so I'm guessing my case will be submitted today or tomorrow. I'm hoping for a quick approval & not even thinking of a denial. I don't see how they could deny me. I've done the hard work, I've made progress on changing my lifestyle. I meet all of their criteria and am still over the 50 BMI threshold to waive the 6 months documented dieting. I can't think of a single reason to not be approved on the first go-round. Still, I'm so scared that I won't be. Everything has seemed to go so smoothly, I'm just waiting for a bump in the road to make it all fall miserably. I'm trying to be calm on the exterior when actually, anxiety is reeling on the inside. When I can focus on the positive, I am so excited and happy for what is to come. I actually have a date to look forward to. I'm counting down the days til November 10th. I'm so ready, yet I try to contain my excitement so maybe it won't be such a disappointment if something falls through. I did "come out" to the world via Facebook late last week. I was overwhelmed by the support and love that my friends and family showed. I didn't really expect to have so many stop by my wall to comment and like, but it was blowing up my phone for the entire day. I never wanted to hide the fact that I am having surgery. I was, apprehensive about negative feedback. I should have known better - I have wonderful family and friends. The one not-positive message I got was from someone that I don't even know. She claims to know my husband, but even he says he doesn't remember her from high school. She recently added me (and him) out of the blue. I don't know where people who have no knowledge of your life or your struggles get off pushing their ideals onto someone they've never met. I realize I put my business onto social media and I will get responses - and I was prepared for negative and positive. I was not prepared to be told to rethink my decision because I could lose the weight without surgery by a complete stranger. I have not yet responded to her private message - no, she didn't even have the nerve to post publicly, but once I've responded, she will be "un-friended." I'm so ready for these days to fly by. There are lots of things going on in between and then the holiday season just after, but I can only focus on surgery. October brings my birthday, my daughter's birthday & my husband & my anniversary all within 4 days - it is always a very busy week for us. I'm usually knee deep in thoughts of how we will celebrate. Right now, I am feeling so selfish as I'm only thinking ahead to November and what I need to do to prepare for surgery and recovery. I hope I can come back to the present for a while. My daughter is 14 and although she's happy about my surgery, she's at the age/mindset where the world revolves around her and her birthday is like a national holiday. I don't want her to feel that it doesn't matter to me. Rambling again, I know, but that's the purpose - to put my thoughts out there and get them out of my head. As you can imagine by my rambles, it gets kinda jumbled in my brain sometimes. LOL Best of luck to all of you, no matter where on your journey you currently are. Have a great week!

<3 Carolina Girl <3

September 29, 2014

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