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About this blog

One woman's journey to a healthier tomorrow

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Rough Start but Finding My Stride

So it has been 2 months since my surgery. I took an extended break from this blog and the site because I was getting crazy. I was crazy obsessed with every ounce that didn't come off when I thought it should, with every bite that went into my mouth (or didn't). For me, I couldn't read about the great weight loss that others were experiencing because it caused the same bad feelings I used to get when looking at fashion websites....and I knew for me that wasn't a good sign.   Today is the first day in a very long time that I've logged back into the site. Here is what I think I've learned in the 2 months since my surgery: 1. It's more complicated than I thought it would be. I did really well on the two week pre-diet and I thought post op would be like that...I would religiously follow a strict plan and success would happen! For some reason that was much harder to do starting about 20 days post-op. Perhaps it was because I had been on liquids, squishy things for MONTHS at that point, perhaps it was Christmas and all the holiday habits...but I found myself eating things I knew I shouldn't....albeit very small quantities. So when I went back to the nutritionist at about 6 weeks post-op, she was supportive but also blunt. Eating bread, rice, pasta are not good post op because they swell in the stomach....hearing that made me really take notice....did I go through all this to sabotage it 6 weeks out with some bread? NO I DID NOT!   2. I have to be more patient with myself. I've settled into about 700-800 calories a day...which for me is allowing around 2 pounds loss per week...and I've become accepting of that. For some reason I thought it would be 6 or 7 pounds a week...but not for me. I have stopped weighing every day and weigh just once a week again. I've dropped so many clothes sizes that I recently had to give away some pants I wore for 3 weeks....3 weeks! I mention that because it is another way when the scale doesn't move to know that I'm doing right things.   3. If you share your journey with folks, they will ask you questions afterwards as well....especially "so how much have you lost" which is really annoying when you haven't lost anything in a couple of weeks. It can also be awkward when you go out to eat with them...like I sometimes have to do for work events. The first one I went to was at a freakin Pizza Parlor. I ordered the meat sub, minus the bread...and ate 1/4 of it...lol. The folks at the table kept asking me if I wanted a wing...which I didn't...and saying things like "I should really be eating like you". I think I made them feel guilty...which made me feel guilty.   4 I still like chocolate. There I said it. I have given up bread, rice and pasta....but I still crave chocolate and so when I enjoy a piece, I really enjoy it, log the calories and move on. I've also found some good diabetic dessert recipes that I'm working with.   5. I still like cooking....a lot! I cook different things (cauliflower "rice" anyone?) and I grill a lot. I'm also eating more fish. I'm glad this part of my life didn't go away...   6. I haven't figured out a consistent exercise plan yet. Most days I get 30 minutes of walking, but that is usually at work and is to and from meetings...while I'm glad to be able to do that, I know that I have to get some more intense cardio going to improve my heart health and stamina.   So, one question I get a lot is ....was it worth it...and I would say absolutely YES! While not as fast or easy as I thought it would be, I have never in my adult life lost 57 pounds before...and I know in my core that those are 57 pounds I will not regain...so yes it was worth it! Till next time...Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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My Surgery...

So....this is a long story but I'm going to put the point right up front. Be prepared to be your own advocate after your surgery! I had my sleeve surgery on 03 December. 04 was a bit rough but that night I was finally making peace with my sleeve when at about 0130 in the morning I slipped into atrial fibrillation...which means the heart is not beating correctly. The atria, which squeeze the blood away from the heart were fluttering and my heart rate was fluctuating between 120-200...normal is a range, but generally under 90.   I was quickly moved out of my room on a floor that has had extra training in bariatric surgery care and moved to the cardiac unit. I wasn't in pain or uncomfortable at all...in fact my surgery healing has been amazing! However, the cardiac nurses required a lot of education about what I could and could not have/eat/drink. The hospital is not prepared to feed a new bariatric patient. The only "protein drink" they had was Ensure which was over 350 calories for only 11 g protein. Then they started bringing the pills. I don't know about you, but it has been drilled into me NO PILLS! So I refused to take them until the surgeon gave his ok which he eventually did. THEN, the put me on nothing by mouth, meaning no water, no nothing until they did a procedure where they tried to shock the heart back into a normal rhythm. This whole time I'm only allowed to go to the bathroom otherwise I had to be in bed...so much for walk, walk, walk.   Conversion attempts failed and they discharged my on the 6th still in Afib but with what we thought was a controlled heart rate. Best.Shower.Ever was how I would describe getting home!   Unfortunately because the heart medications were run through the same IV, I developed cellulitis and by Sunday evening my forearm was hot, swollen and the redness was moving up my arm....so back to the ER we went....here in my hometown which is 75 miles away from the hospital I had my surgery. The local ER folks FLIPPED OUT because my heart rate was 190 when I showed up....and by midnight I had been transported back to the hospital in Tucson.   Now I was a bariatric patient with cardiac complications on a general medicine floor...kind of like the Island of Misfit Toys from Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer. The staff here were competent, but definitely not the A-team I experienced on the cardiac floor. So back to the same old thing, only in bed and to the bathroom....spend all day Monday waiting for a cardiac consult that never came. Didn't see a dr after 0700...very frustrating. At one point they brought me 2 horse pills to take and when I said I couldn't the nurse asked "Why not?" It took everything I had not to unload on her..."Um...let see because my stomach is the size of a sharpie....let's start there". Then she came back a couple of hours later with 7 pills at once...she was not my favorite as she never did get my situation.   Tuesday morning the surgical fellow came by and I kind of unburdened myself to him...I was frustrated that no one was talking/consulting with me. I had been in Afib for over 4 days now, still had a heart rate that spiked every time I walked the 6 steps to the bathroom and was worried they were going to discharge me still in Afib again. I told him my "island of misfit toys" analogy and he agreed. He also got my surgeon involved (Dr. Galvani is head of surgery at UofA) and by 0900 I had 3 doctor visits! When I told the internal medicine doctor that I was still spking up as high as 205, she had no idea....not a real confidence builder in the staff of the floor. She agreed though that they wouldn't send me home with an unstable heart rate...which is all I wanted to hear.   At about 1130 Tuesday morning as fast as it started, my heart converted on its own back to normal sinus rhythm. YAY! A few quick laps around to ward to make sure it wasn't joking around and I was being processed to leave the hospital!!!!!   So upshot is I'm on a ton of new medications, including a blood thinner and will remain on them for at least 3 months. They think it was all caused by the fluids/electrolytes/stress of surgery but want to make sure.   I'm home, eating my plain yogurt and I couldn't be happier! I'll post later about what my husband brought to the hospital to help me stay close to being on my plan. Cheers! Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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Heading to the losers bench :)

So this is my last post before surgery. Tonight we are going to a hotel in the city where the hospital is. Tomorrow at 0900 my surgery will happen. I've been more nervous today, I think it is as much anticipation and the unknown as anything. I have a great support system, did not cheat once on the preop diet and am ready to face what comes the next few months.   I thought about leaving a bunch of "If you are reading this bad things happened...." notes for my kids and husband but decided against it. I didn't want to spend time focusing on the sad/bad/negative. I'm comfortable that they know I love them and that they understand my wishes should things go wrong. Enough said.   I'll post again in a few days! Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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Final Appt with Surgeon and I wonder if my butt will look good and damn, that chicken smell good

So you can probably tell from the title that my mind is all over the place today! Less than 48 hours to go and I'm getting more nervous by the hour...lol. I'm glad it didn't start till this late in the game.   Had the final appointment with the surgeon today. Very short. His resident asked if I had any questions which I did:   1. How do you manage pain? IV injections and then liquid pain meds...no pump   2. How long do you anticipate the surgery will be? About 2 hrs   3. Will I have a drain? No. If I wake up with a drain that is not a good thing.   4. Does fixing the hiatal hernia found during the EGD change the recovery time? No.   While we were waiting to go in I found myself looking at everyones butt and wondering....will mine look like that, or I hope pants fit me like that when I'm done...anyway I am not a perv. I do not normally go around fixated on peoples butts.   Then hubs and I started talking about what he wanted for dinner....the hospital is about 1.6 hours from home and I didn't want to cook. So we are talking and keep saying...do you want mashed potatoes? He actually doesn't eat mashed potatoes but I couldn't get them off my mind. We picked up his food and it smelled AMAZING! But I stayed strong and put some curry powder on my cottage cheese for a treat.
4me4them

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Time Out

So I put my 50 year old self in time out last night. I really deserved it. I totally went berserk over a string of Christmas lights that wouldn't light. Of course I was tired, feeling head hungry, frustrated that my day to day plan before surgery was getting disrupted, anxious to get the tree done, melancholy about surgery Wednesday....and probably a bunch more. The line Ron Weasley utters when Hermione tells them about what Cho is feeling comes to mind...."No one can feel all that or they would explode" just came to mind. He's right!   OLD Beth would have said screw the diet, and would have eaten everything in site. EMERGING Beth told the family (husband and adult brother) I'm going to the bedroom. I was in time out about 1.5 hours, then I took a hot shower and rejoined the husband to watch football and eat my yogurt.   I slept almost 10 hours and this morning I'm much clearer of mind and I didn't bust my plan! YAY. Now to go fix those dang lights. Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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Day Five Prepop Liquid Diet...or how I'm coping in a house of foodies

So this morning marks the start of the 5th day of my liquid pre-op diet. Here's what I'm taking in every day: 3 protein shakes 1 8oz plain/vanilla yogurt 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese 4 oz apple juice 11 0z low sodium v8 juice Broth/sugar free jello/popsicles within reason   So it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I posted on the forum about my meltdown day one...went grocery shopping and was totally unprepared for the rush of sadness...got through it without going off plan and haven't felt that way again...but it was INTENSE! Silly, but intense.   I find that I'm waking up earlier (usually because I'm hungry), staying up later and my house is getting really clean! In fact my husband said I'm freaking him out a bit because I'm not a natural housekeeper. We used to invite people over so we would be forced to really clean up...lol   I'm still cooking and that makes me happy. I made my own homemade chicken broth and beef broth because the canned stuff is nasty. I'm still cooking for the guys (husband and adult brother that lives with us) and for the most part that is a relaxing thing for me. I put my broth in a pretty Starbucks coffee thingy to keep it warm and drink that while I'm cooking, then I have my shake when we all sit down.   I wont say it has been easy...but I am determined to make the most of this surgery and so I'm following the instructions exactly. I've weighed every morning since I started and am down 9 pounds in 5 days. I'm really going to try to stop weighing because I'm worried that A. when it slows down I'll be bummed and B. I don't want the scale that involved the first couple of months after.   See I'm a scale obsessive. Whew, it feels better saying that. I think I've written about this before but I let the scale dictate way too much! Either I'm successful so I allow a "treat" or I'm not and I figure nothing that I do matters and damn the torpedoes (order a pizza!) so not weighing for the next few weeks will be better. In fact as I'm typing this I think I'm going to move the scale out of the bathroom altogether. In fact I'm going to go do that right now, because my memory seems to be a little suspect the past few days. But more about that next time. Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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Endoscopy, Insurance and irrational self talk

So I survived vacation with only gaining 2 pounds, which came off in 2 days! Yay me. We (hubby helped a lot) did very good the first week at my moms. Shakes for breakfast and lunch, reasonable dinner. Even went to my favorite Italian restaurant and ordered meatballs, no appetizer and only had 1 bite of their signature almond cake. The beach was not as good. I'm not sure why...might have been because I had not told my in-laws about the surgery. Anyway it's over and I don't currently have another one scheduled so I should be well down my road before I have to figure that out.   Had the endoscopy and it wasn't too bad. Arrived at 0700 (I was the first of the day). Was in the prep area by 0715...it was the first time in a long time that my husband couldn't come back with me. The nurse cracked me up...she asked if I wanted the larger gown and I thought Duh of course I do. Then she said....I think you could use the regular one...I mean your big but your not BIG....LOL I am too BIG that's why I'm here   So I meet the anesthesiologist who is a nurse practitioner...I joked and said "I guess you are going to put me a little under" and he said "Actually we are going to put you a lot under" I guess that is sleepy time humor. Then Dr. Galvani comes in absent his usual entourage of students (I'm using a university hospital). He jokes that he will be slower because they usually do the paper work.   IV is started, and by 745 I'm on my way into the procedure room. They put the mask over my nose, turn me on my left side, put a bite block in my mouth and I start to fight to stay awake. A bite block is a round tube like thing that they strapped onto my face (I guess they did, all I remember is being told to bite it but not hard). It protects the scope and keeps the mouth open during the procedure. The last thing I hear is Dr. Galvani talking to the others in the room about a different design for the room with stuff hanging from the ceiling...I think.   I woke up back in the original staging area around 840. Had some gunk in my throat as I was waking up that they suctioned out. I swear that nurse had me out of bed and in the bathroom to get dressed within 10 minutes and I wobbled to the car at about 850 with a print out of pictures of my insides...kinda cool for a science nerd like me but hubby passed on the offer to look.   We had always planned to go get breakfast so we took the long way to the café because I was feeling kinda woozy. Breakfast was uneventful except when I put pepper in my tea....but hey, that could happen any day right? Had only two lasting side effects...one was a slightly busted lower lip...apparently I caught my lip between my tooth and the bite block (it cleared up in 2 days) and I had a tenderness right under my left ear...which also went away.   We putzed around in Tucson till my last NUT apt and my pre-surgery class...both of which went well.   Back to work the next day, Friday and as I was driving home I got the call that the insurance had been approved! So I start my pre-op diet on 19 November and am scheduled for surgery on 03 December...This has been a long one so I'll talk about the irrational stupid self talk my brain is now putting me through later.
4me4them

4me4them

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Catching Up and Going on Vacation

So it's been awhile! Did you miss me? I have been so busy lately...The two day a week liquid diet had some interesting challenges. The first couple of weeks I found myself way overeating on the other 5 days. So at week three I started doing the liquid thing for bfast and lunch on the 3rd day and eating dinner. I've also played with liquid for bfast and dinner and eating lunch.   The reason for the experimentation is that hubby and I are going to visit our parents for the next two weeks and I've been wondering how to NOT GAIN WEIGHT! Lots of old habits around food and our families. I plan to shake for two meals and then eat sensible portions of whatever I want for the third meal (I haven't had surgery yet). I'm also taking my walking shoes! I hope that my working eating this way for the past week will help me do it on vacation...I'll let you know how it goes.   On a side note, for the lades out there...I threw away ALL of my remaining granny panties today! I replaced them with fun colors, ruffles...you get the picture...no boring white cotton! On the WooHoo front, I also was able to buy a pair of pajama's at Wal Mart...doesn't seem like much but they are really cute (pink with sheep and they say "sheep dreams'). The point is, if I hadn't started this journey back in July, I would not have been able to get them....they wouldn't have fit at all!   Hope everyone is having a good week. I probably wont post for a couple of weeks...but I'll let you now how the eating plan for the vacation went! Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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Trial run at liquid pre-op diet

So I had my final NUT appointment on Monday. She has put me on a two consecutive days a week liquid diet...like the one that I will have to do prior to surgery. The other 5 days I am eating my surgeon's "Stage 4" diet, which is basically back to whatever foods you can tolerate.   I did my two days yesterday and today. Here is my doctor's/NUTs schedule 0600 (I go to work early) Protein Shake. no more than 130 calories, no more than 13 Carbs and at least 20g protein 0900 4oz apple or cranberry juice, 6 oz plain or vanilla greek yogurt (no more than 100 calories) 1200 Protein Shake 1500 (3 in the afternoon) 11.25 oz low sodium V8 (or 4 oz V8Fusion) and 1/2 C cottage cheese 1800 (6 in the evening) Protein Shake 2000 (8 in the evening) juice and yogurt if needed. Up to 2 cups low sodium broth, 5 sugar free popsicles and unlimited non calorie/decaffeinated drinks.   So day one was not to bad. I cruised actually. Planned to do day one on the day I do yoga at night so I was out of the house when my hubby and brother (who lives with us) ate. I did make one mistake....I tried to add a little sugar free jello powder to the vanilla shake and it was totally disgusting...got clumpy and was way overly sweet. Couldn't even get it down...lol Lesson learned...don't try to go all Chopped on the protein shake!   Today has been a bit more of a challenge...but still not as bad as I thought it would be. I ate a popsicle while fixing dinner so my mouth had something to do. As I'm typing I'm drinking my first Unjury Shake...strawberry and not too bad...not overly sweet. I have my tennis shoes on so if it gets to be too much when the guys get home and have dinner I can go for a walk.   I'm going on vacation 14 October for two weeks...I may continue the shakes for bfast and lunch...then when I get back I have about a month before I start the pre-op 14 day diet...may try to up my 2 days to 3 just to get ready.
4me4them

4me4them

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Better Sleep (part 2)

So I'm a believer in the night time routine I learned about at Miraval Spa. I've been using it for the past week and my sleep is deeper, and I can get back to sleep quicker. Some pre-stuff before the routine: 1. Make your room as dark as possible. We moved our phone chargers, turned the clock so that it was not facing the bed, and stopped leaving a light on in the main living area...we now use a night light out there. 2. Create a cozy place to do your routine. If your spouse is on board, the living room is just fine. I have an old recliner in another room that I'm using when hubby doesn't want to get zen with me   About an hour before you want to fall asleep: 1. Put on pjs (even if you don't sleep in pjs, put on clothes that you can begin to associate with sleep. This becomes a signal that you are going to sleep. 2. Wash face, brush teeth, take meds... 3. Find some relaxing music that you can listen to...or use fan to create white noise. I found a couple of cheap massage music things on I-tunes. 4. Light should be very low...I had to wrap a lamp with a scarf to get it low enough even with a 40W lightbulb 5. Take a few really deep breaths. Breath out should be longer than breath in. Think about pulling your belly button back to your spine on your exhales. 6. Sit quietly and notice what you are thinking about. 7. Use a journal to record what you are thinking about, any action steps you want to take the next day...the point is to get it out of your head and onto paper. You can also write about your day, include things you are grateful for...really anything. 8. If you like to read before bed....use the remainder of your time to read....not in bed. (this was hard for me at first, but the results speak for themselves!) 9. When you are ready for bed, move to the bedroom, using as little light as possible.   If you can't fall asleep within 30 minutes get up and repeat....or if you wake up and can't fall back to sleep repeat.   Let me know what you think and/or if you have any success with this! Beth
4me4them

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Better Sleep (or what I learned at Miraval Health and Wellness Resort this weekend)

So my husband of almost 29 years booked us a long weekend at Miraval Health and Wellness Resort this weekend...a place I have wanted to go to since moving to AZ over 20 years ago. Why didn't we go before you might be asking...2 main reasons...1. It is kind of expensive and 2. I always thought I'd go when I was skinny (not healthy mind you but skinny). He is supportive of my weight loss surgery and he booked it as a 50th birthday celebration, and as a way to learn some tools that might help through this life changing journey I'm on to have successful weight loss with surgery. This is the first of a few posts to share what I learned.   The first class we did was called Better Sleep. I know my sleep struggles are neither unique nor are they as severe as some, but when I have a bad stretch it really screws up a lot of things. I was reminded that sleep is the ONLY time the body is in repair mode. It is doing all the maintenance stuff it needs to do to keep me going. Even one night of too little sleep messes up the body's ability to repair itself.   The RN who taught the class (you can access her Better Sleep Blog at the Miraval site here: http://www.miravalresorts.com/blog/post.cfm/6-myths-facts-on-adequate-sleep ) gave us what a "perfect day" designed to promote sleep would look like. Yep I said DAY. Many of the things we do all day long, including first thing in the morning can interfere with a good nights sleep So here goes: 1. Get up within 1/2 hour of the same time every day...even weekends. The body likes to know what is going on. Having wildly differing wake up times keeps it guessing too much so it tends to make you feel sleepy because it is worried that you wont give it enough. 2. Get some AM Sunshine. The color of light in early morning sunshine shuts off the body's natural melatonin production which is good because melatonin is a hormone that regulates the body's clock. 3. Get some AM Exercise. This is not to short those of you who like to exercise in the afternoon, but most people get an energy boost from exercise so it makes sense to time it early in the day....even better if you can combine numbers 2 and 3. 4. Confine caffeine to the morning. Double steep your tea to reduce the amount of caffeine you get from it (steep for 1 minute, throw that away and then steep to desired strength). 5. Carve out some time daily to drop your "hyper-aroused state" which is totally NOT a sexual thing . When we try to multi task, the body can interpret that as a danger...which engages the fight or flight response...which triggers cortisol...which is the stress hormone...which in an overabundance can do bad things . Some ways to do this: Set aside one hour in the AM and one hour in the PM when you will NOT MULTITASK. You will focus on one thing at a time for that period.
Use a calming "breath walk". Breath in through your nose for four steps, then release the breath for six steps and repeat... can be used when you are walking down the hall to another office, walking to your car...
6. Stay hydrated....I didn't write down why and now I can't remember....but I underlined it so it must be important 7. Stop eating 2-3 hours before bed time. Food energizes body functions which is not what you want when trying to wind down.   I had a hard time with this next part....Bed is for sleeping and sex only! I LOVE to read in bed before turning out the light....have done it since I learned how to read. When I asked her about it after the lecture, she said to try the other things first...but to realize that reading may be too stimulating and if the other things don't work I may have to change that habit.   Tomorrow I'll post about creating a night time ritual....something I'm trying for the first time tonight...so I'll let you know how it goes! Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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Yeah...not so much

So this entry is an "OK news" bad news one. I wasn't able to pull it together last week. The stress kicked my butt and the result was a 3 pound gain on the scales. Now I'm under the gun because the only thing my NUT said on 07 August was....don't gain! Ugh. So I have two weeks to get down 4 pounds so that I can go in at least one pound lighter on 08 Sept.   It was a very humbling experience. I thought I had this. I thought I had turned a corner on my relationship with food...but yeah....not so much. Looking back I can even see that I was a bit cocky...   So what did I learn?   1. For me white flour is my gateway drug. I can not consume bread, pasta or other things made from wheat flour and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Maybe I never will and I will have to get over it.   2. I still have the "all or nothing" mentality. Yes it was a very stressful week, but my job at times is stressful and I need to develop stress coping skills that do not involved food. I need to figure out how to rebound sooner...one unhealthy day can not become one unhealthy week!   3. The biggest thing I learned is that I do need this surgery. I had 5 healthy weeks, hit my NUTs calorie, carb and protein goals, logged all my food, exercised, felt great...the whole nine yards....and I started to think maybe I COULD do it without surgery....but yeah....not so much.   So my goal for today is no flour! My goal for tomorrow is to start using myfitensspal again and start exercising again. I'll let you know how it goes! Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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A Bad (Unhelpful) Weekend

So my Progresso soup victory (see previous post) was very short lived. My stress overwhelmed me the past few days and well...lets just say I resorted right back to unhealthful eating habits. I'm not even going to try to put a positive spin on it. After 2 weeks clean eating...no flour products...bread, pasta...I have binged to the point of feeling woozy on carbs. Bread in particular...lots of bread.   I work in the education field...I've taught high school math and science and now work for the Army where I am in charge of about 55 people doing everything from teaching Soldiers how to teach, to designing curriculum, to building educational technology. Once every three years we get accredited which means a bunch of people descend on our organization and tell us whether we are doing a good job. This is the first year I am responsible for so much (last time I just had the teaching Soldiers how to teach part).   I mention this because as I've prepared for this visit, I've been looking at what the Army believes about training and education and one of the key beliefs is that Soldiers should be "self-directed learners". That is an awesome phrase and I understand what it means...the problem is, we don't do a good job teaching the young Soldiers how to be that....its as if we expect them to be born with the ability.   That's how I feel about stress management. I logically understand that my stress reactions are not helpful, that I should "shake it off" and "not let it derail me". The problem is I don't have a clue how to do that! I know how to eat. I've found myself thinking this afternoon that I just need to survive the week and then I can get back after it...after all I will still have 2 full weeks before I have to go weigh in again...sigh...I'm tired of just surviving.   So here's what I'm going to try...no I'm going to channel YODA and say here is what I'm going to do. Before I eat a meal, I'm going to walk for 5 minutes. I can do that, I can do it at work by walking through the halls to the other end of the building and back, I can do it at home rain (on the treadmill) or shine (outside). It might not solve all my unhealthful eating reactions to stress....but it IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT! I'll let you know how the experiment goes. Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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Progresso Soup Saved my butt...

So I'm still in the supervised diet phase before surgery and I've been doing pretty good (insert back pat here). But MONDAY was a MONDAY all day. I went to work with a long list of things I need to get done before our big accreditation team visit next week. Of course, life had other plans and by 1130 I had done exactly NOTHING on my list. I was stressed to the maximum....   And then it was lunch time.   And the 3oz can of tuna, lettuce and low fat dressing just didn't appeal to my emotional side. Now I've eaten this lunch quite happily many many days...but emotional Beth said nope not going to work.   Six weeks ago I would have walked across the parking lot...OK, who am I kidding, I would have driven across the parking lot and gone through the drive through of the fast food chain that is there.   So I start looking around the office and I found a can of Progresso Light cream of potato soup....so I had it, both servings...200 calories and way more sodium than I consume now but two amazing things happened: 1. The emotional side of me was soothed in a less destructive way 2. I didn't snack on anything rest of the day (except my veggies that I brought from home).   Hence the title...Progresso Soup saved my butt. I have now replaced that can and consider it my failsafe for the next MONDAY whenever it comes!
4me4them

4me4them

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A movie without popcorn

So I love movie theater popcorn...I don't get the butter, but I can put away a really big tub...or I should say I used to put away a really big tub of popcorn. I'm still in my preop, but even so I know that movie theater popcorn is not exactly a health food. We don't go to the movies very often, but I couldn't imagine a movie without popcorn.   My office was meeting at the theater today to see Guardians of the Galaxy (totally worth your consideration) and I wanted to go AND I wanted to stay within my calories for the day...so...hubby got a small popcorn (he used to eat big tubs too) and I took a Quest Strawberry Cheesecake protein bar (which I had already budgeted for in my daily menu). I had one handful of popcorn...it tasted good....then was perfectly satisfied with my protein bar...and guess what...I still enjoyed the movie!   One bad habit conquered...a bajillion more to go...
4me4them

4me4them

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Second NUT, EKG, Upper GI, Cardiac....all in one visit!

So since I live about 1.5 hrs away from the doctor/hospital, I tried to cram as much into today as I could. I'm glad I did with one minor exception which I will get to.   First up was the nutritionist. Good news, I lost 12 pounds since last visit 4 weeks ago. Bad news, I have to cut 200 more calories from my daily intake. Sigh. I knew that I couldn't stay at 1500 and I have had many days below that...but I thought with what I lost it might only go down 100. Not sure why this is freaking me out so much...but 1300 just seems like so much less than 1500. Also have to cut anything made with flour...entirely. While I haven't had any pasta (a known trigger for me) I have had an occasional piece of toast....I feel silly mourning a piece of toast but I am.   Next was the EKG. Pretty easy. Kept clothes on, hooked up with sticky pads one on each lower leg, one on each arm just above the elbow and then right around the left breast. Lay still. Done   Then it was off to get the upper GI. For this one I had been fasting since 600 the night before...not even water! So after being sent to the wrong area twice I got checked in and found out that they were doing a chest xray as well. So off with the top half of the clothes, on with an ill fitting (like didn't even come close to closing in the back) hospital gown. The chest xray room had to be no warmer than 60 degrees...it was really cold. After I finished the tech gave me a warm blanket for my shoulders/back which felt awesome!   The Upper GI was not horrible, but not fun either. First you drink a fizzy drink like alka seltzer and they tell you not to burp....which you really want to (or at least I did). The fizzy drink is to introduce some air into your empty stomach so that the second drink ( a really thick barium drink) will be able to coat your stomach. They use the barium to provide contrast when they take the pictures. I am using a teaching hospital so I had a newbie doctor...being coached by an experienced one. It was soo funny, I was trying really hard to not follow the coaches directions, even though it seemed silly because I could hear everything she said.   So you are standing on a footpad with a bed attached and as you drink the thick drink they start taking fluoroscopy pictures following the barium down the esophagus, into the stomach. After a couple of swigs of the thick stuff, they start to lower the bed which is kind of a weird feeling until you are laying on your back.   Then it is roll over time, which was not easy for me because 1. I'm a big gal, 2. the machine actually taking the pictures is right on top of me and 3. that ill fitting hospital gown got stuck....but I got all the way around...first left side, then tummy, then right side, then back to the back. This is all to literally roll the barium around in your stomach. Then, while laying, they give you a cup with a straw and a thinner barium and this time they are watching it leave the bottom of the stomach.   One more position, on the tummy with the left leg bent to check for a hiatal hernia and then I was done. Whole thing took about 30 minutes once I was in the room.   The only bad thing was I had planned to have breakfast in the hospital cafeteria...but GEESH. Would it kill them to have a healthy option....I guess it was between breakfast and lunch but the choices were small to none.   Cardiac clearance was last, she took a cardiac history, asked about exercise habits, asked if any cardiac symptoms....all in all about a 20 minute talk and she said I was low risk and she would send a report to the dr. Yay!   So , all in all, pretty efficient, arrived at 0800 and left at 1215....That's all the pre insurance tests...one more monthly visit to the nutritionist and I should be ready to submit!
4me4them

4me4them

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My Psych Eval

So I had my psych eval this afternoon. I found myself wondering on the drive there what kinds of questions they would ask. I really didn't worry about it but I was curious.   Since I wasn't a patient, I had to fill out all the new patient stuff...but it was kind of cool because it was all on a tablet and went pretty quickly. The Dr. was able to see my responses as I entered them and since I was the last patient of the afternoon I actually went in about 10 minutes early.   I'll try to list as many questions as I can remember: 1. How long have you been married? 2. Why are you here today? 3. How long have you been considering WLS? 4. Which surgery do you think you want? This one was followed by a discussion about talking to the surgeon, what did the surgeon recommend...etc 5. What are the cons to the surgery? I started with the medical ones...he pushed towards the "other ones" things like changing behaviors, social situations, family issues.... 6. What are the pros to the surgery? 7. How long has weight been an issue? I briefly wondered if this was a trick question....like "when did you stop kicking your dog...lol 8. What else do you hope to accomplish with your surgery? 9. Have you ever been in a psychiatric hospital? 10. Tell me about your depression. (self reported by me, have been on anti depressant for about 6 years and it runs in my family) 11. Tell me about your family's weight/relation to food.   Then we did some memory stuff...he asked me to remember three words, then asked me to spell world, then spell it backward (harder than you think under pressure ), who was president..before him...before him....and then he asked me what the 3 words were. I can only guess that this was to make sure I was able to follow things????   12. Have you ever binged and then purged? 13.Ever been treated for drug or alcohol abuse?   When we were done he said he thought there were 4 main reasons insurance companies require the psych eval: 1. To ensure the person has a good understanding of the commitment level/risks (although the surgeons office also assess this I would think especially if you have a supervised diet period) 2. To ensure that there aren't any environmental issues that might keep you from being successful 3. To help ensure you are able to follow instructions/guidelines 4. To help ensure that you will be a good patient for the surgeon (although he didn't elaborate on that one).   All in all easy peasy.   Next Monday is a busy day for pre-insurance testing...I have my second NUT apt, an upper GI, an EKG and my cardiac clearance apt! Beth
4me4them

4me4them

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My Work Food Curse

So I work for a government training organization and there are many hails and farewells (welcoming and saying good bye), monthly observances, formal balls....you get the idea. I am responsible for two organizations, that are not collocated and while their missions are complimentary, there really isn't a lot of joint events between the two. All of this is to set the stage for the food gauntlet I had to face at work this week.   1. Wed. Farewell for the senior protocol officer....formal luncheon buffet style. So my strategy going in was to use a salad plate only, get a good amount of salad, and the put small amounts of whatever else I could on top. (I'm just in the 3 month diet phase now). So not too bad, salad, mixed veggies, small amount of roasted potatoes and a pitifully small roasted chicken thigh. Put one in the win column!   2. Thu. Farewell to two of the tech nerds in organization number one. This group had the bright idea to have an open "snack area" from 1000-1400 so I took some olives and mozzarella cheese. No one brought salad, but this one went pretty good as well, had fresh veggies, some fresh pineapples, 2 small meatballs and two fresh tomato, basil, mozzarella on small bruschetta with balsamic vinegar. Ate socially and then had meetings the rest of the day so I was out of the office. Put a second one in the win column!   3. Fri. Farewell to one of the instructors in organization number two. This one was a "comfort food casserole" potluck....ugh. So I made a big salad with lots of veggies and brought a bottle of dressing. Plan going in was to use the same technique as Wed. But there was a giant problem here....there was very little protein and lots of potatoes, pasta and cheese (melty kind). I took very small portions of three things on top of my lettuce and then I went back (first mistake) and got more of a couple of the potato dishes (mistake number two).   I've been thinking about why Friday was so much more difficult to navigate than Wed and Thu because I truly did not feel deprived/upset/anxious at either of those two. I think there were two important differences.   A. the first two events were controlled...the lunch was one time through the line and then the program started/I left the scene of the second one. On Friday, since I don't get to see these guys that much (I used to work with them daily but then got promoted and am now located with the other organization even though I am responsible for both) so we sat around chatting, people kept going back to the buffet line, passed out cake...   B. I knew going in what was going to be available at the first two...not the third.   So you may be thinking, but Beth, Friday doesn't seem like such a big deal...and lunch wasn't...but for whatever reason, it led to lots of snacking/eating while I was making dinner which hasn't been a problem for me in the past few weeks. I'm still working on why one triggered the other....right now I'm blaming the carbs!   I guess my takeaway from this week is that I will always have the social aspect of my job and I've got to use this time before I have surgery to keep experimenting with what will work for me. I'm also taking a good lean protein to the next potluck in organization number two....they really need it. Beth
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Magical Monday

So I'm only two weeks into my 3 months supervised diet and things were going good. Then this past Sunday I slipped off the health bandwagon....big time...it was a quick slide back into the old smorgasbord habit. It was a carb laden, coma inducing 2hr fest of bread, peanut butter, popcorn, some appetizer thingys hiding in the back of the freezer and fat free milk.....and then I had dinner . Times like this before would very likely have resulted in a week(s) of beating myself up, eating poorly and basically giving up.   But I'm rewriting that storyline one word at a time. I did two very different things this Sunday that lead to what I'm calling my Magical Monday. 1. I logged EVERYTHING I ate in my fitness pal. I'm not proud to admit it, but even a month ago, I would have avoided logging the food I consumed as if that somehow made it not real. This time though I logged it so I would know how far off my plan I was. (FYI it totaled over 3500 calories), so I could acknowledge it and MOVE ON!   2. The second thing I did was post on my timeline on this very site that I had a meltdown and felt sick.   The support I received from others here is a big part of the reason that this time....for the first time....Monday came, I ate my plan, the planet kept turning and other than writing about it now, it is in the past.   Here's the takeaway from my point of view. We are so much harder on ourselves than we are on others struggling through this weight loss journey...other people's support reminded me that I should be at least as nice to myself as I am to other people. I'm going to have slips, slides and smudges on my nutrition and exercise records, it's what I do with them that will matter.   I've never been an athlete but I love me some football. I think my Sunday was kind of like Ben Roethlisberger throwing an interception for a touchdown, and having to immediately get back out there and try again. That's what we need to do....keep getting back out there, that's what I did Monday and that's why it was Magical. Beth
4me4them

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Telling my Parents (Part 3)

"Oh My" "Well" "Oh My" Those were my moms first three comments, in order. Mom is a total worrier and I expected to hear..."I just don't know..." which is what she kept repeating after my current husband of 29 years and I told her we were getting married.   Then came the "are you sure?", "are you really ready". Then came the stories of the people who she knew (or thought) had had the surgery....all from the late 1980s...lol.   Once we got over the initial shock of it, she came around in her own way, told me she loved me and that she thought I would do well with it. Then hoped that maybe my doing it would spur my brother to do it...I really hope she doesn't go there because he never did like being compared to me. I am 6 years older, a girl and was pretty much a nerd. He is the opposite of a nerd and every teacher from 3rd grade on told him that...he never lets me forget it either!   So I've told my folks and I'm glad I did. It will put me under a microscope with them when we are together and if they do come to AZ for the winter it could get interesting but they both thanked me for telling them and both support my decision, so it doesn't get much better than that. Beth
4me4them

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Telling my Parents (Part 2)

So I'm half way there...lol. I did call my folks last night...but my mom was already sleeping so I just talked to my dad. He was very supportive and told me he thought I was making a good decision and that I will be heading off lots of problems in 20 years. I felt so bad. Here I am doing something that if he had done 20 years ago would have made such a difference in his current state of health/happiness. I almost feel guilty....how messed up is that? I've now identified another "opportunity for growth". I'll call back to talk to mom tomorrow.
4me4them

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Telling my Parents (Part 1)

So I'm going to tell my parents about my WLS. I'm almost 50 (in August) and my parents are in their early 70s and yet I’ve had a hard time deciding whether to tell them. See both are morbidly obese, both have weight related problems, and neither is having the retirement they dreamed of. They are, in some ways why I decided to pursue surgery. Worse than that, they have both become glass half empty kind of folks…not at all like the parents I remember from my childhood. I know they will worry. And then they will worry some more.   But here’s the main thing driving my decision to tell them. My husband and I are going to see them this October. My trips to my home town are normally gastronomical tours….fresh baked pepperoni roles from D’Anunzio’s, white cake from Bonnie Bell’s Bakery, calamari and lasagna from Muriel’s….my stomach is growling just typing. Already mom is talking about the new buffet at a state park resort and how we need to go there.   I’m using my 3 month doctor supervised diet period to establish good habits and drop what weight I can…and this trip occurs right after that period and about 6 weeks before the date I hope to have surgery. Unfortunately my folks are used to my “health kicks” and if I just tell them I’m on a diet, they might not take it seriously. Actually it was my husband who said “I don’t know if I will be able to not get mad if your mom tries to push food on you”….hmmmm hadn’t thought about it from his point of view.   I’ve decided to keep the peace, and to explain my commitment to my new eating habits, I need to have THE TALK. I can’t expect them to be supportive if they don’t know there is something to support. So I’m going to make the call. Tonight. Probably.
4me4them

4me4them

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My new Saturday

So I have an active husband. He used to be a runner but now he is a cyclist. He goes on these really long Saturday morning rides, sometimes he can be gone 5+ hours. I'd gotten into a bad habit of having a big unhealthy breakfast on my own, playing on the computer, snacking all morning and then fixing another big unhealthy breakfast when he got home and of course sharing it with him.   What a difference 1 week makes.   As I said last time, I had my first NUT appointment on last Monday. 1500 calories, watch the carbs, move 30 minutes every day. I'd totally forgotten how much I actually LIKE being outside early in the morning...here in AZ in the summer that is the only time to exercise! Yesterday morning, after a couple of nights of really hard rains I thought I heard a flock of ducks...seriously...in the southwest desert. So I start walking and I'm thinking that when I get to the really big wash (a wide area that collects rainwater for all you non desert folks ) along my way, I would see the ducks. Imagine my surprise when I got there and I couldn't SEE anything...but the noise was definitely coming from the wash. A little internet investigation after I got home taught me that there is a species of frog here that only mates one time a year...usually after the first few monsoons. I never would have heard that sound were it not for my decision to pursue WLS.   Which brings me to the title of this blog entry...THIS Saturday morning I got up when hubby left (before 0600), did my 30 minutes had a healthy breakfast, cleaned the dining room, packaged some pre cut veggies.....all before 0830...LOL.   Hang in there if you are struggling...keep pushing forward and you too might "hear the frogs". It's never too late to make a new habit. Next time I'll have my craft table all set up and I'll share a picture. It is my "keep Beth distracted when head hunger strikes" plan. Beth
4me4them

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First Nutrition Appointment

So yesterday I had my first nutrition appointment and my initial consult with the surgeon (Dr. Galvani). I thought I was going to have to do 3 months supervised diet, but apparently I wouldn't have to (because of my BMI). However I want to do my surgery in early December (good time to be off work) and so I'll do 4 months with the NUT. Dr. seemed agreeable to my timeline, and the insurance coordinator was not concerned about my approval.   The NUT was a hoot...enough energy for all of us! My husband went with me and so she included his calories/targets as well...he only gets 300 more calories than I do...I was surprised. So here is what it turns out my first month targets are: 1. 1500 Calories a day 2. between 125-150 grams of Carbohydrates (will go down in the following months but she figured out pretty quickly I'm a carb-a-holic) 3. between 80-90 grams protein 4. minimum 30 minutes daily moving 5. lose weight (no target pounds given)   It was very liberating for me to get some guidelines to follow. I know that may not make sense, but I've been winging it for so long, actually having a target to shoot for that I know will ultimately result in weight loss is kind of cool. I'm using my fitness pal to log my food and we will call it up at my next NUT visit on 04 August.   For the first time in a very long time....I believe I can do this! Beth
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Yay Me!

So my 19 month old granddaughter has been here since 30 July. She is awesome, fearless and a perpetual ball of motion. I tried to keep up and with granny naps I did pretty good. One thing my daughter wanted to do was take her swimming for the first time. This posed a huge problem for me in that I haven't worn a bathing suit in public in many many years. I had resigned myself to sitting in the chairs watching and consoled myself with the thoughts that "NEXT year (after surgery and losing weight) I would be able to get in the water and play. And then it hit me....Callie will only have ONE FIRST TIME! So I did what grandma's everywhere do and put the bathing suit on, jumped in the water and played with my granddaughter attachment=46130:Callie at the pool 5.jpg] And yes, that is my arm!   I have my first consult with the surgeon and nutritionist today...am excited to get started.
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