I blog to remember. I have this amazing ability to remember all of the good things: good memories, funny stories, positive people. I also have an amazing ability to forget all of the suffering, sadness, and embarrassment in life. That being said, I want to document my first week (and beyond!) here so that I can both remember what I went through and hopefully share my story to help others.
First, a little history. I have been overweight my entire life. When I was younger (until I was about 17) I played softball year round so even though I wore an XL in everything I was strong, I was fast, I was athletic and active and toned. I didn't see a problem with who I was. I was made fun of on occasion (small occasions, really), but no one really escapes MS/HS without a bit of teasing. When I left school and entered the college/work period of my life from 18-23 I quit working out, quit running, quit playing sports, and was left with a sedentary lifestyle and my old eating habits. As we all know calories make all the difference and I was putting in thousands, and not burning, well, any. I ballooned up from 180/190 to 230/240.
I had great family members and super supportive and loving friends that never said anything--they loved me for me. I never experienced the "tough love" or fear or hate or judgement that people believe come with being overweight. I've been lucky to be defined as curvy--my weight is evenly proportioned and leave me with curves in the right places so that helped me to avoid the negative stereotypes as a whole. At 22/23 I began to want to change. To wear clothes off the rack, to dance all night without exhaustion, to, well, all of the superficial things that a 22 year old craves, lol. Thus began my yo-yo diet and exercise track that would last seven years.
I have done it all. Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Bars, Fasts, Cabbage Diets, Phentermene, All Diet Pills (OTC and Perscribed), Training after Trainer after booth camp after gym after gym after gym, online support groups, cell phone support groups, workout buddies, running buddies, snacking, grazing, 3 big meals, 6 small meals, shakes only, liquid diets, Paleo, Atkins, Sugar free, gluten free, carb free...and so many other things that I cannot mention. I fluctuated between 215 and 270 for seven years. Seven.
2013 was my highest weight at a start of 270. I was miserable. I was in pain. I felt like a failure--even with an amazing job where I was rewarded for my hard work, a master's degree, an amazing boyfriend, and great family/friend support structure, my weight was making me suffer. I hired a nutritionist and a trainer who i met with 4 times a week. Within 3 months I was down to 235 and six months later I was still at 235 but was officially running 3 to 4 miles an hour 4 times a week. I was strong. I was doing burpees and cardio sets, inclines and sweat sessions--It was amazing. AMAZING! At the end of the year, I had put in 16,000 and was back at 245. I had lost all faith in my ability to maintain a successful training habit because of the amount of food I was eating.
I knew something had to change. With that, I began to look into WLS in January. I knew my Achilles Heel: I can work out, I can run, I LOVE to sweat and to train, I can buy healthy food. My problem was in my inability to stop when I was full. To eat 1000 calories of healthy food makes them unhealthy. I researched multiple places and options and, after seeing that Gastric/Sleeve was too drastic for me, choose the Lap Band.
I went to True Results March 18th. Finished all of my test, pre-op appointments, psych evals by April 4th. I was out of town for two weeks, and then, on May 5th, had my surgery scheduled for June 4th.
My next blog is going to be all about the pre-op diet, the pre-op day, and the day (and night) of surgery!
Please feel free to leave notes/comments--all support helps!
JB
As I mentioned in my previous entry, I blog to remember. I also blog to share my story so that others know the honest truth of what goes into the process. Yes, all are different, but knowledge is comforting to both the giver and the receiver. Please feel free to leave comments, messages, or questions and I will gladly respond!
My pre-op diet started on Monday, May 18th (kind-of) and was supposed to fully star on Wednesday the 20th. Honestly, there are two things I didn't expect: I NEVER expected it to be as hard as it was. If you go out and celebrate and have fun with friends/co-workers, have prior engagements set up, or are anything but a homebody than the diet is hard to follow. It just is. Second, I never expected not to be hungry...and on this diet with such intakes of protein I was NEVER hungry. Maybe 3 time in over two weeks did I feel hungry. Which, after 20 years of feeling hungry all the time, was an absolute shocker.
I pre-started my pre-op diet. Two days before schedule at 262 pounds. (For the reference, I go by my scale only and recognize that there is a 2-3 pound difference with the doctor, hospital, respectively). 262 was the heaviest I had been since the beginning of 2012, and that number in itself made my desire to follow the diet hard. On day one and two I looked at calorie intake but didn't really look at carb/sugar count. On day three, my actual start date, I had pre-cooked my one meal of chicken/broccoli/strawberries for the week and had them ready to go. I had ordered in Light Muscle Milk and Chocolate EAS drinks (If you order Isporpal it's awful, don't drink it.), and was set with sugar free jello and pudding. Work days were easy as I was so busy. What killed me, completely, was my prior engagements. Thursday I had a trip with some students to treat them to sushi and Marble Slab--neither of which they'd ever had. I did AWFUL. I tried all sushi with them, rice, soy sauce, diet cokes, had ice cream with them. Friday during the day I had a few calories, stuck by the diet, but had a Pedal Party that afternoon with beer and shots and margaritas--I did AWFUL that day, too. By Sunday, 7 days in, I was down to 258. Even with the two massive mistakes, I had managed to lose 4 pounds.
I had one more major mistake, and that was on Monday, memorial day. Which, of course, was filled with grilled food, grilled burgers, hot dogs, beer, etc. I partook a little too much, and that was another hit for me. It was only on Monday night when I Googled "what happens if you don't follow your pre-op diet" that I found out how detrimental what I was doing was. I shut it all down that day and realized in the next 9 days I was going to have to be incredibly strict with what I was eating.
...and I was. With the exception of one piece of pizza on Friday, I stuck to high protein shakes, sugar free jello/pudding, brocolli, roasted zucchini, and baked chicken/shrimp. By Wednesday morning (the day of my surgery) I was down to 252. I had lost 10 pounds in 16 days. ((Why the heck can't I do that without the help of the lap band? lol)) The only thing that kept me going, and not cheating any more, was the fear of my surgery being cancelled. Could I have stayed focused without that fear? Sadly, no. no I couldn't.
Overall, I am lucky and my story for the pre-op diet isn't one of huge success so please don't follow my lead. It also isnt' healthy to live with the fear of failure during such a critical time of surgery.
I am (finally) sleepy, so I will write my next blog, the day of the surgery, tomorrow.
JB
June 4th was my decided surgery date. I had known about it for a month and, as the day approached, I wasn't really to fearful. I had never had surgery before. I had never spent more than an hour in a hospital and that was to visit a friend or relative in (usually) happy circumstances. I was completely unaware of the process that is a hospital/surgical ward. My mom had driven in the night before and stayed with me. We woke up around 6:30 and drove into the hospital. I had some direction of where to go but nothing too specific. Parking was in a crazy building and too far to walk to afterward. That I remember.
I walked in and was ushered from place to place, person to person. I had arrived two hours early, an hour of that I spent chit-chatting in the waiting room. At 9 o'clock my name was called, I was taken back through a full on maze, and prepped. Who can put on that plastic/paper robe effectively? NOT ME. I was covered in purple with paper cords and pull tags all over. I felt ridiculous. My feet were warm, that I liked.
I walked through my expectations, birth day, allergies, surgery, name with about 2049827 people in a 45 minute period. The surgeon came in, he was kind, the ana came in, he was kind, too. They talked about putting me under, what it was like, what I should avoid, how I will say funny things. My mom was there with my stuff. The needle in my belly to prevent blood clots--no one told me about that AND it was painful. Yuck. Can we avoid that please?
They finally gave me my cocktail and sent me to surgery. I remember floating down the hallway, feeling loopy, and then, in the surgery room, being moved to the metal table. I remember thinking "This looks nothing like Gray's Anatomy" and then passing out. I remember waking up crying, I was distraught for some reason--I remember thinking about my kids. then I remember recovery. Recovery was crazy. My glasses were off so everything was fuzzy AND I was fuzzy. I couldn't think straight. They brought me back to my room and my mom was waiting for me. I was so drugged up I wasn't feeling too much pain.
I then was told that I was going to have to go down to do the barium swallow and check my lap band. I was wheeled out, and wheeled around the hospital in that damn sheet/that damn bed. I felt like a pariah. They gave me the swallow with me hooked up the IV. It wasn't going down. I had to do the barium swallow again. It wouldn't go down. They put me in a wheelchair, made me sit for 20 minutes at a time etween those. Finally someone came in to tell me that the surgeon had filled my band too full and was going to have to get in the port and loosen it. I sat for 30 minutes, the surgeon came in, I was a drugged mess, lol.
I remember watching American Pickers for an hour and a half, and being half naked as that stupid gown kept coming off. I guess I should have had some shame...but the drugs and the pain kept me from that. Another barium swallow, a needle in my stomach, and a tying of the gown later and I was ready to go back. I got back to my room 2 hours later. My mom was told it would be a 30 minute procedure and it took over 2. At that point I was the last person in the wing and I was waiting to be discharged. I started to cry. The pain meds were wearing off, I was in pain, I was terrified at my choice...the nurse gave me more pain meds and I felt great. I kept walking around, trying to be semi normal.
Walking around and being productive after surgery is not normal, lol.
They wheeled me out 10 hours after I arrived, and I made it home around 6:30. The drive home was the worst. I was nauseous the entire 30 minute ride home, came straight home, and passed out til 8. From there I slept on and off, talked on and off, took meds on and off, ate ice chips when needed, and made it through Wednesday.
...overall, Wednesday was intense, emotional, and so much to take in. It was nothing compared to day two...
