Hello!!
As I said in my last blog post, my stall is now over. How did I break it? By doing a few things that are working for me (that means they may, but may not work for you!!)
I limit myself to no more than 1400 calories a day. That might seem really high, but I also REALLLLY exercise and my body seems to be handling that well because I'm losing weight. I feel good.
I found a diet - really just a great eating plan that works for me, although I modify it for myself. I focus on how food feels inside my body and while I'm exercising I focus on repeating several mantras. There are some things I don't eat - tofu is one of them and I don't handle beef well now that my band is in place. I eat chicken and fish and I have veggies and fruits. I was never a good salad eater and I'm still not, but I insert veggies into omelet's, into stir fry, into anything. I also can't handle bread, but I can eat crackers and I love my Wasa crackers.
I'm using less and less in the way of shakes because I'm aware that they don't keep me full for a lengthy period of time. Shakes and liquids pass through the bad relatively quickly, whereas 'real' food has to process through the band, through the stomach.
So I had only my 2nd fill scheduled for this Tuesday, but I'm also in this groove, and I don't want to play with that at all. After speaking to the nursing team at the clinic where I had surgery, they agreed. I'm pushing out on having another fill in another three weeks. I can move that up if I need to.
After reading a lot, I decided that it was a possibility that I wasn't eating enough, and for me, that turned out to be true. I felt there was little harm in experimenting. Just like not that long ago I discovered that I can push my body with exercise. Believe me when I say that I barter with myself constantly. "Maybe I'll only do 20 minutes", "maybe I don't have to exercise today", "maybe it's too hot/cold/windy/early/late to exercise", "maybe I can eat that entire box of cookies"...UGH! It goes on and on and I ignore it all. I feel so good when I have promised myself that I'll eat well and exercise that day and I actually do that. Upon occasion I allow myself some treat. I feel like I could go on a bender at any time and I try to keep vigilant.
All is good right now, and I know that can change, but I have my band to help me and an outstanding medical team at my disposal.
I wish everyone success!
Nancy
Today I'm two weeks out from surgery. I feel so much better even from a week ago. Today I had to go back to the clinic to have a nurse examine the incision sites and get a date for my first fill. All of that went well and the nurse was pleased with my progress. I am too!
I'm struggling a bit with hunger and apparently that's normal. I eat approximately every two hours or so, though my caloric intake is good and I track everything on myfitnesspal. I track even a dash of pepper or salt. All of it.
I have upped my protein level. According to the literature I received from my clinic, about 65 grams is good, but that doesn't keep me sated at all. I hover near 90 grams a day. I'm still very low fat, very low carbs, very low sodium.
I exercise, but truthfully - not everyday. I'd say I'm at 5 of 7 days and it's all been walking.
I'm still going to a therapist who I adore and yesterday we spoke about body image and the pain that causes me to this day. Shame, guilt, frustration. Coupled with my weight is that I'm very tall and you stand out when you are obese, let alone tall. I want so much to figure out how to reconcile all of this because I'm convinced it's one of many keys to my weight loss.
As a child, I wasn't given the freedom to discuss my feelings. If you were angry - you couldn't express it, if you were unhappy for any reason, you just didn't say it. Those feelings must be dealt with and it's unnatural to not express them. My anger formed my depression.
I'm so grateful I'm on my way to learning about why I do what I do, and how to better care for myself. I may sound down, but I promise, I'm not, I'm pleased I'm working away on me.
Nancy
*sigh*
Not a good day yesterday. I had been invited to a lunch thing with girlfriends and went. I had checked out the menu online in advance and discovered that there was very very little in the way of healthy foods. It turns out it's not a buffet, but you choose food from the menu and for one price they bring as much as you can eat.
Suffice to say, I ate. And not well. I ate a piece of beef that threatened to stick but fortunately didn't. I was able to eat a stunning amount of food. To make matters worse, I decided I needed a dessert on the way home. And in my attempt to gobble it down, I had pain like nothing I've felt before in my life.
I'm upset because, EVEN AFTER PAIN, I still wanted that 'treat'. Even after feeling sick from eating so much, even after so much pain, I WANTED it and I kept the remainder and ate it very slowly late last night. I'm glad it's gone. Today I am very sore, really sore and need to return to a liquid diet today.
How can that be - to want something so bad, that has no nutrition, that I'm willing to hurt myself to eat crap. What does that say about my self esteem? I was banded only two weeks and two days ago. It's disgusting.and I'm hell bent on getting to the reason why that was acceptable previous to surgery and still is.
I'm pleased that I'm at least aware of this, and I know that this is an issue, but I swear, until I figure out how to unravel it all, it will continue to be a problem for me.
More than anything - I'm disappointed. I'd love to say that my upcoming first fill will take care of this, but that's bull*hit*. That doesn't address the why, and that I'm likely to still find a way to eat around the band.
I wish myself peace and kindness to myself today.
Hello there,
Ugh, it's SNOWING AGAIN here in Ontario Canada. Oh well, I can't fix that.
Today is my one week surgiversary and I'm pleased to say that I've lost 5 more pounds this past week. I'm very pleased with that.
The day before yesterday I started taking lessTylenol for pain - and being lazy I hadn't gotten any more after I ran out.
Yesterday I walked the longest yet - too long in fact for being 6 days out. Over an hour and almost four miles. I staggered home and was exhausted by bed time yesterday. I woke up around 2am in a lot of pain, and at last the pharmacy has just opened and I've returned from buying the tylenol and taking my double dose.
During the night I tried taking 2 tylenol pills. That was pretty awful, and while they didn't come up, I'm not certain they ever went down. I'm really sore today. I'll stay with the children tylenol double dose for as long as needed and today I'll take it easier, though I can still use the treadmill downstairs for a short stint.
I like the walking, and was so pleased I found out how far I could go, although next time outside walking, I doubt I'll try for an hour or more. I have a tendency to overdoing it, to pushing myself, and it's one way that I'm not nice to myself. All things in good time Nancy is what I think.
Tomorrow I get to move to more 'foods'. I cannot wait as I'm truly sick of shakes.
Thanks to all of you for your support!
Nancy
So as it turned out the prescription drugs I was prescribed for pain were absolutely useless. I didn't sleep for nearly 48 hours and had tons of anxiety and quite a bit of pain. After talking to the Doctor and the nurse I went to liquid children's tylenol. I had reservations about this working, but in face, it does. I doubled the dose as told to and it works. I'm now trying to take less of it. I have since spoken to others who have had the same problem. Once I started the tylenol I was able to sleep with ease.
I'm now able to spend a least a small portion of time on my sides which I couldn't tolerate at first.
Yesterday I was out and decided to push myself to walk the full 30 minutes. I was so pleased with myself when I finished and really it wasn't all that bad. Today I'll repeat that. I have a dog that loves to walk, and this week I'm dog sitting another dog.
I'm trying to up my protein by continuing with the shakes and chicken broth.
Rhodywoman sent me information on a book called "The Binge Eating and Compulsive Overeating Workbook" I recommend the book too. I'm interested in discovering the psychology of binge eating and compulsive overeating and why I have lived with those for so long.
It's a beautiful bright sunny cold day here in Ontario. I wish you all happiness today.
I'm tired, really tired and pretty weak. On the other hand, I'm soooooooooo glad to be on this pre-op because it's helping me so much in gaining control.
Yesterday it dawned on me that the Unjury Chicken Soup wasn't discussed in any of the handouts I have. I checked with the dietician and she says it's off limits during this phase, so yesterday, it was just Slim Time for me. I tried the chocolate during lunch and used the chocolate and put in a fair amount of peppermint extract. Made me imagine that I was eating Girl Scout Thin Mints. Any trick will work for me.
Other than being tired I feel fine, hungry at times but I just continue to swamp myself with water. I'm glad that I drank a lot of water before I started this (it's maybe the ONE good thing I've done for a long long time), otherwise I'd struggle to get it all in.
Along with surgery, I'm also spending time with a therapist who specializes in obesity and family issues. I've long been convinced that my eating difficulties are related to 'stuffing' emotional issues. I can see now how I had few outlets for my emotions and that translated into me eating to sooth myself. I have to learn new behaviours.
I'm glad I'm doing therapy at the same time. I think my odds of relapsing will be lessened if I could just get a handle on why I do what I do (binge eating, overeating, etc.) and how to stop doing what I've always done.
It's not to say that I think I wouldn't relapse - god that scares me SO much. My parents were alcoholic and they never relapsed but they talked about how easy it is, and I equate this to something like alcoholism - an addiction. Once I start with the carbohydrates and the sweet stuff I am lost and reigning myself in is very very difficult.
I'm blessed that I can have this surgery and for now, I'm grateful for the pre-op diet.
I sort of thought that as time went on, this liquid pre-op would get easier. In some ways it does and in other ways it bites.
I'm tired of just liquid and vegetables. Ah, I'll soldier on. I keep reminding myself that once I hear what I've lost during this pre-op phase that I'll be happy with myself.
I do far better earlier in the day, as the day wanes on from about 4pm onwards I'm out of energy and interest. I'm working on making that a positive. I find myself pretty reflective as I work through emotional issues. If I don't work through some of those issues I don't feel I'll be successful because we all do this to ourselves for some reason.
On Tuesday when I left my therapist I wanted donuts. In a former life I'd stop, go in the drive through, and buy two donuts and eat them in a huge hurry because I was on my way home. But after leaving her office, I wondered why I wanted them. Sure, there is their great taste, but I know it's beyond just how they taste. I think part of it sugar addiction. I've often wondered if Skippy dog food had a sugar variety if I'd eat that too.
I wanted to feel full. I could finally name that. I wanted to feel full. Full of what? Warmth spreading from within me when I eat, enveloped in sugar love. So I really examined that, really thought about it and of course, didn't buy the donuts, which not long after I got home I'd forgotten about them anyway.
Can food be love? You can surely love food, but isn't there something 'right' or correct about loving what well balanced food can do for you as a tool. Making you feel better, making your body work for you (me), filling it with nutrition. I can love food, and do but I think an important distinction is that I abuse food. I eat unhealthy food, I consume it in great quantities, I use it maybe to remind myself that I'm not all that great, not all that loved. **** that's awful.
Just free thinking here.
6 days until surgery
Yesterday I had my lap band put in.
But before all of that, I want to back up and tell you about the last days of the pre-op diet. I have to say that I battled head hunger and maybe real hunger the entire time. I actually looked forward to SlimTime. Some days were very tough, and others seemed to sail by and that was great. I weighed myself at home using my scale because I won't always be weighing myself on their scale and I'm so pleased to say that I lost 15 pounds on the SlimTime, I was ecstatic. In any case - onto surgery
I had my surgery at Smart Shape or otherwise known as the Surgical Weight loss center in Mississauga, ON on March 5th.
I was in a tiny panic as traffic was absolutely awful, and I thought I'd built in travel time, but as it turns out - no. I was 10 minutes late, and the team was thankfully very gracious about it. I still waited probably 1/2 an hour. The staff there are the best, so caring, thorough and wonderful. I was taken into a room that had a heated comforter for me to be under, and I changed into the gown. I met with the nurse, we went over my medications, took my blood pressure and weight. Then I met the dietician and my care coordinator, both who are inspirational and very kind.
Dr. Cobourn came in and we shared a laugh or two, and then the anesthesiologist came in, and we went through allergies and I told him how much I hate needles. He had a look at my veins and was hoping to put the iv in my hand. I told him that in previous surgeries that had been tried with no success he asked to try it anyway and I said yes.
I was then led into the surgery room, and really, I never ever look around the room, I never ask questions, I just closed my eyes and spoke only when I had to speak.
After trying my hand he gave up and used my arm. He gave me a relaxant of some type, and then told me it was time to go to sleep. He asked me to take two deep breaths after putting the mask on me, and next thing I knew I was awake in recovery.
I had no nausea - YAYYYY and everything went as planned. I could hear the nurse talking on the phone to my beloved. I was eventually sat up in the bed, then asked to dangle my feet over the side, and then asked to get dressed. They had a hard time finding someone to go down with me to find hubby as the nurse couldn't leave as another patient was in the recovery room.
I don't really remember the ride home. I slept most of yesterday but did get up and watched tv last night with hubby. I had a hard time sleeping last night. Maybe because I'd slept all day.
Today I'm okay. I've walked a bit and will walk more. I want to feel better quicker and I know for me that as soon as I get out of a chair and moving a bit that that will help.
I wish I could call all of you and thank you individually for all of the support I've received on this website. I'm truly grateful. I had a far better idea of how I would feel, of what to expect because of you!
Nancy
So yesterday was stressful
Contractor chaos at home along with my poor dog who is nervous around ladders and paint rollers.
I took her to her doggy day care as this wears her out.
I'd planned on breakfast and lunch as I had meetings to attend. I drank breakfast on the way to the morning meeting. I ordered tea only but was sort of wistfully sad when a colleague ordered my favourite breakfast sandwich and sat next to me. I focused on ignoring her until she was done. As I was at a restaurant and because I had time to kill until a much later appointment I went outside to get my iPad and "lunch". When I picked up the bag and had already gotten it inside I realized that the shake had opened and had spilled its contents onto my SmartShape paperwork and onto my chargers. I got a load of napkins and pulled stuff out of the bag. I'm sue I looked ridiculous as it's colour - due to me adding a packet of crystal light to the vanilla shake looked a bit like blood. I caught MANY looks and a manager came over after asking if he could help me. Once I told him what had happened he laughed his head off.
The manager left and then I had to hunt an electrical outlet because of course my iPad was out of juice - typical. I knew that some seating areas had outlets but I had a hard time discerning which ones because the baseboards are painted black as are the outlets. I asked a waitress for help but she was just unsure of which tables had the outlets.
Now I'm not tiny. I'm 5'11" and I weigh 250 lbs. bending over to try to see is a challenge. I decided that because I HAD to get some of this work done that I'd have to get down on my hands and knees to see if I could see the &$(!?$$ outlet. I crawled underneath the table and finally was able to see it. So picture this - my full (REALLY full) moon was in the air and because I'm so tall I keep knocking my but and my head on the table threatening to overturn it. I look up and can see the shins of others passing by and two women who are sitting across from my table say "where's the wacko with the bloody bag". I emerged from under the table and smiled at them and said "right here"
As I left the restaurant I stopped and bought hubby a treat ignoring my most favourite cookie.
What a day. I'm admitting to hunger on occasion, but I haven't eaten anything I'm not allowed.
Having seemingly non stop chaos at home leaves me tired. By tomorrow the painters will be in the basement and I should be able to mostly working from home.
No access to pictures. Feels odd to end this without a picture. Tomorrow I'll post two to make up!
Well yesterday (which was day 4) was better and yet tougher in some ways.
The handsome one and I are in major renovations. And yesterday was the home depot, IKEA and a local carpeting place, followed by a trip to the grocery store (more on this in a bit). Now that the master bed and bath is complete, it's moving furniture back into place, lifting, moving, up an down the stairs. I'm glad for the exercise, as it's too icy outside to walk, but I'm also glad that hubby and I decided that today was a 'day off' work wise.
Hubby was sure to ask me repeatedly if I wanted to stay home rather than run errands and especially go to the grocery store. In my thoughts I feel that I have to face the grocery store, it's not reality when you choose to eliminate something that is vital like getting food. But it was hard....really hard and sort of sad - for only a bit. I wanted to buy bags of chips so that I could sit in front of the tv and consume them. On the way out of the store I had that same sad feeling when I could smell the chicken roasting. I know that these things can come back to me in food, but I'll have to be especially wary of chips.
Today I've woken up feeling great despite all of yesterdays work. I'll try to walk again today and if not, I have a small trampoline downstairs that I'll use.
I'm so grateful for all of the comments I receive. I thank you for reading and commenting. This is a great forum for getting the support you need.
So day 1 of pre-op Slim Time liquid 'diet'. I have two weeks of this before my surgery on March 5th and then one week afterwards. I'm feeling a bit weak today as I had a ton of blood taken from me for pre-op testing.
First shake - vanilla Slim Time - I put in a bunch of cinnamon too, liked it lots.
Today I also start walking. My dog will be out of her mind happy. I hope to walk safely despite the snow and ice.
I'm ready to go on this new change. I also get to eat some vegetables during this time, and also, during this time (two weeks), I'll put the scale in hubby's car. Otherwise I'll check every single day and that's not a good idea for me.
like I'm scared that I'll never be able to eat like this again. What the hell is that about anyway?
I want to be free from feeling like I must consume everything in sight, that I must have many many many "last" suppers. And yet what does that say about my desire to do well? Like I'll cram it all down my gullet before I can't anymore, rather than beginning now, claiming now as the best time to start eating right and taking care of myself.
I see now that this an emotional journey as well as a physical one.
So I've decided after 'testing' my news about a lap band, that I won't be sharing the information with everyone.
I'm lucky in that I have great girlfriends who are usually open minded about most things. Apparently though that stops at weight loss surgery. I mentioned that I was considering lap bad surgery and what an uproar that caused. No, no, just eat right and exercise (like I haven't tried that a bazillion times. Oh why would you do any such surgery like that - have another cookie. Do you know what the failure rate is?
BLAH BLAH BLAH
I try to be an independent gal. I like to do research, I like to investigate and I really like to decide for myself no matter who says what. And I did a lot of research and I question a lot. I've read posts here on this site and on other sites too. Sometimes people 'failed' for reasons beyond their control. But often it seems that people don't do well because they don't want to work. This will be work! But I welcome that type of work and remain positive that if I comply and follow the rules, the band will work for me.
I've decided to not share my upcoming surgery plans for now. I don't want negative energy, I don't want those that love 'hovering' and watching every move, or calling constantly to try to 'help' me. I want to remain in the sunny side focusing on my health and what is right for me in my circumstances.
In the world we need more support and those that see what isn't right for them may just be the right thing for others.
My surgery date is March 12th. So grateful to have the date and in many ways I wish it was sooner and yet I'm glad for preparation time.
I know people that have had bariatric surgery of one sort or another and I seen their - well - their lack of success. Both have gained back all of their weight. One person is working to restore her health, the other isn't.
In this past year I've examined obesity. What keeps people obese? Why is losing weight so hard? Why is keeping it off harder? I'm closer to some of those answers but not totally clear on all of it yet - if I ever will be.
A part of my decision making on have a lap-band put in is that I want to better understand the psychological reasons for why I do what I do? And I decided that for me, the connection I must make is with a therapist, a doctor, and as I progress with both of those - surgery.
Interestingly enough - the people that I do know that have eaten around their surgery had limited support. Both people had their surgery away from their homes and struggled to find outside support. I know I have to take full advantage of the support I have at home and with my team.
Do you think support groups and some sort of team support has helped you?
Hello there, I'm your Lardy Duchess and I'm wanting to write about my weight loss journey.
I was a skinny child, really skinny, and was sometimes called "boney". I haven't been called that in many years and really, I'm not aiming for that ever again. In my late teens I began to gain weight.
Somewhere in the 1980's I lost all that excess weight, and promptly put it all back on. I think at the time I just thought that simply because I lost it once, I was good for a lifetime. Since then I've been on every diet known to mankind. I don't want to name them all here, but I can't think of one well known or notoriously horrid 'diet' I haven't been on. I've tried deprivation, excessive exercise and now, now that I'm in my mid 50's, I'm announcing right here, right now, I'm done with all of that. It's destructive and harsh and horrible.
For those that say - well now come on Duchess - you can do it. Just control yourself and exercise, I say yep, that is great, everyone should do that. I can do that - until I can't do that. Until I can't stop myself. This is like an addiction - on the wagon - off the wagon. Dieting/not dieting. It never ever ends. I come from a family with addiction and abuse issues. That's not an excuse - it's merely a reality. And I feel addicted to food. Unhealthy food in unlimited portions, in scary sizes. It dominates me, dominates my thoughts, controls me. If you've ever been there, you get it. If you've never been there, I suspect you won't understand.
Then again this blog isn't for you either probably. Many things have contributed to this weight loss blog and I'll be writing about some of those issues, but I also value my privacy and may elect to not be public about everything. It feels like if I write it all down, and tell those that can relate on some level, that somehow, someway I'll mend myself - a selfish endeavor maybe, but it's my truth.
I'm just about to go on my walk and then have lunch afterwards. Last night I was so tired and I think it's the shock of the diet, plus yesterday they took a ton of blood from me for pre-surgery testing, plus my walk. A slight headache today.
I've been using the Vanilla Slim Time and have added a packet of raspberry crystal light. DELISH
As a snack I've been using Unjury chicken soup...also well worth the money.
Well, my train zipped right off the tracks for a bit there, but I'm back now. Life you know!
Yesterday was my first fill. Today I'm just slightly aware of it. Truly it was a piece of cake. A discussion, a weigh in, withdrawal of the fluid inside already and a re-add of the original fluid plus a HUUGGGEEEE .5 cc's of fluid.
I needed the fill. I was beyond ready and I felt like I could eat a side of beef. I needed the contact too to slap me back into eating as opposed to eating slider foods.
Since I've been eating regular foods, I've discovered there are foods out there I cannot eat, and that's okay. Beef is hard. Fish and chicken are easier. Vegetables need to be cooked until they are well done. I can't eat raw veggies as of yet. Bread - no, crackers - yes. Tomorrow will be measurements day - the 5th of every month for me. Some clothes just finally fit properly, others are a bit loose, so I'm hoping for a NSV or two.
I have gained two pounds and I refuse to adjust my ticker until it's moving south. I am still walking, but admittedly less - no worries though peeps, I'll kick my own ass thanks!
I've experienced all of the following - stomach cramps from not paying attention, feeling suddenly bloated by drinking too much too fast. Serious pain like an elephant on the chest and most days when I feel great. I'm enjoying that my body is talking to me, I just have to be aware and listen. When you've never paid attention, it's strange at first trying to 'hear'.
The ice and snow are melting - temperatures are slooowwwlly rising and robins have been gracing my backyard. Spring is here at last.
Happy Friday all
PS - when I win lotto, the handsome one and I are moving here!
Hello everyone
I'm a fit bit user and I've just signed up for my first 5k walk happening near the end of this month. yesterday I decided that it would be good if I tried to walk further. I've gone just over 10,000 steps only one time.
I had to drop my car at the shop and I thought that rather than taking the shuttle, that I'd walk home. I mapped things out using something called "google pedometer". I have zero idea if it's accurate. But after fiddling with this I decided on a route that I thought I knew.
Turns out I didn't know, and I got lost, and I ended up walking for an hour and 44 minutes before I finally found my way home.
Later yesterday I found a 4 week course upcoming on Power Walking (different from Race Walking) that started last night. It was pouring here with rain, and I figured I go as it being the first course was likely just going to be examples or videos or diagrams...noooooooooooo
Out we went into the driving rain. An hour and 1/2 later all totaled, I'd walked over 22,000 steps. And I lived which inspires me because it tells me that I can do much more than I think I can, that I work against rather than with my brain at times.
Now today I'm taking it easy. Despite an epsom salt soak, I'm still sore. I did take the doggie out for her walk, but we didn't hurry.
Power Walking is about walking quickly but with precision so that you are efficient. Race walking requires a gait that I'm not comfy with at all. I'm excited for this class as I want to improve my form, my distance, and my time.
Push yourself. What can you do that you think you can't?
Nancy
yesss finally that stall is over. I'm losing so painfully slowly but it's still losing. The best news is that I feel great, I'm learning every day about what I can and can't eat, how my body tolerates change and when and if I'm hungry or bored, or thirsty. It's struck me how out of touch with my own body I've been.
I am obsessing about how much food I need for me. For my body type, how much protein, how much carbohydrate, etc. I'm looking for help with that issue. My sister in law is a nutritionist, and while I don't need help with what to eat, just how much. I have a theory that one reason my stall was so long is that I wasn't eating enough.
I've been on a roll, eating properly, exercising, devoting part of every day to health.
Best wishes
Nancy
