I'm almost there. Got a call from my insurance yesterday on a different matter (about my knees) and that's when I told them that I was in the process of getting the surgery but hadn't turned in for approval. She asked me a few questions and then told me that unofficially I should have no issue getting approved. Then I got a call from my case worker at the surgery center and we talked about the fact that I am actually almost done. I have my sleep study this weekend and should know the results before the end of next week. She is going to turn in my insurance approval on March 11th and I should start my 6 week pre-op diet a week or two later. She is actually going to put me on the surgery calendar for May 7th but thinks that there is an earlier date. I will know more in a few days. As I get closer to my date more and more people are asking me about it and after almost 6 months prep I am more confident in explaining what will happen. I actually have this excited but scared way about it. The guy I go to lunch with told me this today and I didn't realize it. The more that I think about he is right. This is a life changing event and the closer I get to it the more I think about what it will be life 6 or even 12 months down the road.
OMG...I am almost there but I have to say that I am real anxious about the whole thing. I have been telling people at work how weird it is going to be. I am going to be changing every week and the thought actually scares me. Not in a bad way but in a new and exciting way.
Boy I am having an off couple of weeks. Not sure what is going on with me but it has been tough and it’s not getting any better. Of course I know it will but it sure doesn't feel like it :/ I’m struggling with food, working out, and everything else. I have my 2nd nurse’s visit next Friday and I’m scared that I've gained weight. Not sure what will happen if I do but I will be honest with my nurse and let her know that it has been a struggle. I have to give myself some credit in that I have changed a lot of behaviors that I normally would be doing but the one that keeps popping its ugly head is soda. Soda seems to be my Kryptonite and knocks me down each time. In my head I have this constant battle where a line has been drawn. On one end there is the thought that I can have soda until the surgery because I know I can’t have it after. Then on the other side I know that if I stop soda now I will feel better and know that I am making a change for the better. Man, my head feels like a war zone!!!!!!!
Then I have the wonderful pleasure of watching my mom go through the surgery this coming Tuesday. I am praying everything goes great and that she is successful but I am having issues with her process and mine. I know that we are going through different journeys but I feel so angry that she doesn't have to go through as long of a pre-op diet as I will. When we talk and I want to talk about how I am struggling all she does is talk about herself. Take for example today, I stayed home from work yesterday because I spiked a fever of 102 and my knee was killing me. She called me last night when I was sleeping so I called her back this afternoon. The first minute she asked how I was doing and before I could finish she was talking about her progress and how many more days she has. She has also been driving my sister & my dad crazy. I know I should be happy but I just don’t have the energy to. I’m sure I will eventually but right now I’m a horrible daughter.
I need to get out of this funk and realize that I am doing this to be healthier and live longer. I want to be able to do the things I used to do and enjoy my life. I want to experience my true self and the way I am right now is not true. Things will get better and things will start to look up but until then I just have to take it day by day but today it’s hour by hour.
Happy New Year everyone
So I made it through the Christmas season without gaining a single pound. Now that is a first but we will see how the next 3 months goes because I start my supervised diet tomorrow. I have faith that I will do good and even though my doc doesn't care that I don't lose any weight I am still going to try. He actually is really excited about my journey as well as my registered nurse. I had an appointment with her on Friday and she was really giddy about me and my journey. I think that was the push that I needed to really work on the issue and be completely ready for my surgery in May. Any who....enough about that and more about the project that I have started with the encouragement from my therapist.
When I was home for Christmas I looked through pictures of me from when I was born until high school and noticed the weight gain that I never noticed before. I think when I hit junior high school is when the weight started to increase. With that being said you can also notice the ups and downs weight that I had as a small child. I even found a picture of me stuffing my face (I think I was about 5 or 6) and my dad laying down on the couch eating as well. I guess father like daughter is actually true after seeing that picture
While looking through the pictures I actually became sad. I noticed how cute I was as a child and what would it have been like if I wasn't as overweight in school and in my 20's. Would things be different or would I be different than I am now. I was so innocent as a child that I don't think I realized that what I did back then would actually hurt me today. I am about to turn 35 in less than 14 days and I have more motivation now than I did 10 years ago.
2013 is going to be my year and I soooo look forward to sharing it with each and every one of you all.
So my dietitian recommended that I create a reverse bucket list and today I thought of one. As I was driving over the mountains on my way to my parents house I saw people skiing and I was thinking I would love to learn to do that. I would also like to start cross country skiing which I have always wanted to do but can't because of my weight. To some it might be a little weird for someone my size that loves hiking, walking, and working out but I do. I think that one of the things that I do when I have the surgery and become smaller would be to ski. That would be a great winter vacation for myself!
I am sure that over time this list will be long but just today skiing is at the top of the list
Don't worry this entry isn't going to be about me being sad or depressed. However, being a little sad isn't a bad thing this time of year. Went to my first suuport group last night and the guest speaker was the doctor that will be doing my psych evaluation. He was talking about the holiday blues and what happens during this time of year. I have to admit I do suffer from this from time to time but I think it's a little more obvious this time. Not sure if it's because of the surgery or just something else. Understanding it and working through it is probably the only way to heal from it.
I believe that my morning for food has really taken shape this Christmas. I'm still about 4 months from surgery but I think my relationship with food was so time consuming that I am missing it already. I am trying to look at it as a change in relationship rather than a loss. I mean food will always be there but it depends on me and how I react to it. I really want food to live and not to live for food. I have more to work on as I enter into my 3 month supv diet and all my testing but I know that I can make it and know that the end results will be great
This week was rough....I have been down in the dumps most of the week. I think the main issue was food and I have been going off my diet. It might be because it's Christmas but then again it could be that there have been a few individuals in my life that haven't been as supportive as I hoped. It actually kind of hurts but I know I have to let it go. I have also been beating myself up because I think I have talked the ears off some of my closest friends. I have 4 months to go before I have the surgery so I am thinking I might back off a little bit. Maybe I should focus on getting into the water and working out then this surgery. I have a feeling it is driving me nuts and those around me.
Actually I just want to get through the holidays without wanting to eat everything in front of me. Being around my family can do that to this girl. When I get back a few days before the New Year I won't be traveling to visit them until after the surgery. Maybe that will help me keep on track and do my best on the pre-surgery diet and getting my knees better. It seems like I go 1 step forward and 3 steps back every other week. I know that things will get better but waiting isn't fun!
Today was my first surgeon’s appointment and I have got to say that my surgeon is awesome. He was great to talk to and he was really amazed as to how far I have come to quitting a lot of things already. He believes that I can be very successful in this process. Now I am sure he says that to all his patients but I do believe that I can be successful. After talking with the surgeon I talking with my case manager. Now she is a cool person and she just recently had surgery herself….8 weeks out and she is bubbly and so nice. We talked about my insurance requirements as well as what they expect. In the beginning I thought that my smoking and having to wait 6 months before I can have the surgery was way too far out but seeing my schedule and everything I have to do before it now doesn't seem too far way. I am actually excited now because we are shooting for a May surgery. I was amazed and wondered if my insurance would take a long time but she said that as long as I meet the requirements it shouldn't take long especially since my BMI is 66 and even if I did lose weight I would still be in the range to qualify. So I have my first dietitian appointment on Friday and I meet with the nurse on January 4th to start my 3 month supervised diet. OMG….I am actually in this process and can’t wait to see what is next. I am not going to put a number on how much I want to lose. I want to be able to feel good in my body no matter the number that I lose. And so it begins….
I'm a few days late with my entry but I have been very busy traveling. I traveled to visit my family this past weekend and it was a good visit. I did inform my parents that I was going to get the surgery and of course they are supportive. I think that they were surprised because I was so defensive when it was brought to my attention in past years. I told them I needed to soul search by myself and it was my decision and my decision alone. I still have my days that where don't think I can do it but I know that in the end I can do it.
These next 10 days are going to be interesting because I am traveling for work. I am spending Thanksgiving with my friends in DC and taking this vacation is a must. Trying to eat the same as I do at home has been hard but I have made better decisions then in the past when traveling. I get into this mood where I try and rationalize that since I'm on vacation I can eat what I want. I think becasue of the past 3 or so months of me watching what I eat and the differences in choices has helped me now being out of the comfort of my home. This is a much needed vacation and I will still enjoy myself but I still need to watch what I eat and make better decisions. Now next week will be the test because of where I am for work.....it will be interesting but at the same time a leason in how to choose better food when there isn't much to choose from.
I hope everyone has a joyful Thanksgiving....enjoy family & friends
Why am I this heavy? How could I have let myself get this far? Why even try when you know you’re going to fail again?
I can’t tell you how many times I asked myself these questions this week. I thought last week was an emotional week…..boy was I wrong. I think it all started when I thought about the 7 hour flight I have to do in about a week. I have to travel to Washington, D.C. for work and knowing that it’s going to be a hard trip is scaring me. Trying to fit into a seat that is made for someone half my size and sitting next to a person who is eyeing you because you are spilling over into their seat makes me want to cry. Knowing that you can’t go to the bathroom because they were apparently made for a Barbie! I have avoided flying for the longest time but this trip seems to be the hardest thing to try and get out of. After a really long cry and kind of beating myself up I decided that getting an extra seat would be a better solution. This will be my first time purchasing two plane tickets just for me but I know that I will be comfortable and there will be less embarrassment if I bought it in advance. Boy what a wake-up call that was…..oh the joy of flying. I know that there will be a time when I do fit in one of those seats and not have to worry about the looks and whispers.
So I haven’t told my family except my sister about the surgery and I just found out last week that my mom is going to do the surgery too. It was surprising to hear this but no really because my mother and father have always bothered me to get it too. So one emotion I was not ready for regarding my mother getting surgery was jealousy. I am not a jealous person but for some reason I am now. I think the reason I am is because she doesn’t have all the restrictions I do because of my surgeon and insurance. All she has to do is try and lose 15 pounds then she will be able to get her surgery before they leave for Hawaii in April. Now I have to be on a 6-month supervised diet, work with a nutritionist, have a psych evaluation, and even then it doesn’t mean my insurance will approve. A friend told me that my surgeons are more detailed because they really want you to succeed in this process. Don’t get me wrong I am proud of my mother for doing this but I am just not ready to share this process with anyone. I know that I will get over this and I hope it is soon.
P.S. I did get a call from the surgeon’s office and I have my first appointment on December 5th. I am so excited and I also was assigned the surgeon that I wanted . Thankfully being in D.C. for 2 weeks will help me get to this date faster.
First off I had my seminar this week. It was nice meeting the surgery team. They are nice but also really funny. That’s a good sign because I love to laugh…who wouldn't I should be getting a phone call from my surgeon to set up an appointment this week. I’m excited and can’t wait for that phone call. Luckily I have another issue I’m taking care of (PCOS doctor appointments). Plus keeping busy with work has helped. Not sure how I’m going to handle 2-4 weeks away from work. One thing you should know is I love what I do and the people I work with. I know, it’s crazy but I do .
One thing I didn't expect so soon was all the emotions I felt this week. I know that your emotions will be up and down but I didn't realize it would be this soon. During this week, around 2-3 days, I was feeling alone. I’m single at the moment and all my family lives 300 miles away. I go to doctor appointments alone, figure out meals alone, and feel pretty much alone. Some might say this is ideal for this process but I really have mixed feelings about that. It’s funny because I have felt alone before but not like this. Today has been a good day, actually yesterday was too. They say you need to take it one day at a time but I have come to the conclusion that I need to take it one hour at a time. Need to work myself up to that one day but until then I am good with taking it hour by hour.
I’m so proud of myself thought because I have really started watching what I eat. Cutting out soda and sugar has been going good (even with Halloween I was good – no candy!). Trying to get in the protein and veggies but the carbs thing has been hard. I have to try because I want to get ready even though I am probably 6-9 months away from surgery…but this will be a large part of my success.
One last thing (I promise), I bought the Weight Lose Surgery for Dummies book and I have got to say it was the best thing I could of done. There is so much info in there and I feel a little overwhelmed but a good overwhelmed. I have a feeling I will be caring this book around with me everywhere and know it will be my companion for a while. I do recommend this book to anyone who is starting or even close to surgery date.
Well another week down and many more to go. Understanding this process is like a roller coaster ride….you will have ups and downs but in the end you will have a smile on your face and on your way to a healthier you.
Where to start.....well first off my name is Shanna (Shannalee) Smith and I am 34 years old. I live in Spokane Washington but grew up in the Seattle area. I have been heavy all my life so being "skinny" is really foreign for me. It has really taken me more than half of my life to make the decision to get wls but I think that asking for help is not a bad thing. I also believe that I needed to come to this decision on my own rather then everyone around me telling me to get the surgery. Denial is more like it but when you have the people around you telling you that wls is the way to go I just wanted to prove to everyone that I didn't need it. I guess even when I tried to lose the weight without help it still didn't work. With all the researching I have done on wls I found that it's merely a tool to help on lose weight and that you have to work on all the others parts along the way.
One huge fear that I have at the moment is that whenever I lose weight I get scared and put the weight back on. I guess when one has been big all their life you get comfortable and being something else scares me. I guess what I really need is to experience a better and more healthier me to know what if does feel like to be "skinny".
One thing that has helped me understand the process of wls is this website and everyone that is here. I know that while I'm getting all my tests and going through the pre-op diet, that everyone here will help me concur those ups and downs. Even after the surgery I know that when things hit a bump in the road that this is the place I can come to for help and advise. I guess this is the place to ask for help and with my history of not asking for help I know that I can break that cycle.
This is only the beginning and it can only get better from here.
