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Dear Agony

is a song title from the movie "seven pounds" and describes how I feel one most days, I just wish it would let go of me. Well in some ways it has,, I got the call today that I have been approved for surgery. I have gone with RY, as i feel the LBand with not give me the effects I needs and want. Pre -op appt 8/31/2012 10:30am, Surgery 9/13/2012.. 5'7 1/2 , 240 , 41yrs old, and have OA of the knees, kidney stones, major depressive disorder, anixity, OCD . I think I am very lucky to say I dont have sleep apena, HTN, type2, comorbities, yet i found this to be a reason why I needed to have this surgery done, before I get them. I found even though I work out 5 days a week at a boot camp style system and have a personal trainer and i do roller derby, I find alot of the things I cant no do because of my knees and the weight I carry. Plus I go back and forth on diets. I also have a 17yrs type1 diabietic son (dx in 2009). I joke around ALOT about my weight and ebery thingks i should go in to stand up.. but deep down inside, i think when i have to sit down to put on my shoes, or im out of breath walking 18 holes of golf it makes me sick inside.. I hate asking my husband to buckle the strap on my high heels, or help me up because my knees hurt. I would like to not have to lay in bed with ice or heat on my back or knees every night after I do something like dance, workout,or better yet i havent been able to skate due to a tailbone/coccyx injury 3 weeks ago.. I am in the medical field and have my MA,EMT, PCT. so I know about the surgery. I am a organ donor and and have discussed with the doctor is something was to happen to me and i was not to survive the surery what I want done, I think he was a little taken back from that conversation, but i guess working in the ER does that to you. I will continue to blog as much as I can, right now my real thought is.. how thin is too thin? my husband is deploying and wont be here for oct to april. so he will come home to someone totally thinner wife, will he like that? also COFFEE, yikes.. i should start to cut down.. Please excuse the typos, this is the 1st blog i have ever wrote and i have know idea what I am doing or were the spell check thing is and NONE of my words are underling in RED,,, wth,,, lol, where is my son when i need him.

goddessblaze

August 22, 2012

Dreaming Of Food

I have always been very active, played sports worked out etc.. and have thought well if i workout for 2 hrs a day i can eat around 1800 calories and be ok..and then I would have one big cheat day. Now that i have had WLS 9/13, i have lost my ever loving mind. and i really think i am in love with food. I have been dreaming of it.. I dreamed last night i was a golden coral eating everything and let me tell you it was sooooooooooooooo good. then my husband woke me up right before i got to the desserts, I was so pissed.. Now I have my answer to why my weight came on and off, not because i didnt eat right, but because i ate crap.. I am scared at how my mine it going to adjust if in my subconscious I am dreaming of food..I dont eat red meat and all i want to do is go get a hamburger right now.. i mean really who does that!! what is wrong with me.. ugh I am so disgusted right now..

goddessblaze

September 20, 2012

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