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The only way out is through...

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Crushed. Lost. Exhausted. Scared. Hopeless.

o for the past few days, well weeks, I've been nonstop thinking about what's wrong with me medically and thinking about how this is the worst time to not know...because it's going to hold up surgery next month. I've been crying and unable to stop thinking about everything. I feel forgotten about. It was 3 weeks ago that I was told I was bleeding internally. I was told to have a colonscopy. My referring doctor, the hematologist, was to fax over a script before I can schedule the procedure. My hematologist will not fax over a script without first talking to the GI doctor before scheduling the procedure. I don't know what's so important that he needs to speak with him. There's a reason why though. He's looking for something in particular. So the doctors have been going back and forth and playing phonetag for 3 weeks and unable to get each other on the phone, while I sit here and wait not knowing wtf is going on and not knowing what becomes of the surgery in a few weeks. At this point I'm like just let me please fucking schedule the procedure...please. I don't have much time between now and surgery...nor do I have much time in my schedule as it is to set up this procedure with interning and graduate school and all the other crap I have going on. I just don't want to wait anymore. I'm scared one minute, then I'm not, then the next I'm terrified to think I'll be stuck in this shit body for longer than longer than January.   Here's the shitty part too...   My surgeon's office is faxing my file to insurance to be approved or denied this week. I could be approved fairly quick (which at this point, I hope it doesn't go quick) and then I'll receive a surgery date. I NEED A COLONOSCOPY and some ANSWERS between now and the proposed date, which will probably be in the first few weeks of January before I can GET this surgery. I will probably go to pre-surgical testing ANYWAY and fail the blood tests miserably...which in turn will put off the surgery...which is turn will make my insurance approval EXPIRE causing me to have to explain this to the surgeon's office and again RESUBMIT and wait LONGER for a date or at least wait until this whoel colonscopy thing is resolved...which at this point, seems like the doctors will never fucking get in touch with each other and stop dicking around.   So that's where I stand. The stupid amount of money on vitamins and herbs and supplements I've bought and will be taking will probably mean nothing in terms of effecting my blood results.   So really...insurance will have my file this week, and yet I can't do anything until this stupid colonoscopy is scheduled, which at this rate, will be in 2014.   I can't explain how I feel. I feel crushed. I feel like giving up. I feel lost in this. I want some answers. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm losing blood quick enough that I'm a step away from anemia...and yet no one knows why.   Still this post doesn't even begin to do any amount of justice for what I'm feeling.   I'm so close to getting the surgery...done with 8 months of everything...and now this happens? How? I just can't...
lovealways

lovealways

2
 

"omfg Wait...you're Having What Type Of Surgery"?

Yup! You heard right! Weight loss surgery. Gastric Bypass to be exact! Am I excited? More than ever. Am I ashamed? Not in the least.   If there's anything you should know about me, you should know I can't keep a secret. I can't keep things to myself, especially exciting things. Everyone in my life knows not to tell me anything, because I always end up spilling the beans sooner or later. It always starts out this way. I'll tell one person one thing and then think to myself, well, I already told one person, so why not tell another? One person becomes two, two becomes three, and so on and so forth. This is how it happened over the weekend while traveling by bus to NYC for my first day of graduate classes with my long time classmates. These are girls I've been in the same intense undergrad program with for two years. We're also potential social workers, so they're used to hearing about life transitions and making big decisions, etc. so I kind of felt comfortable with them knowing my "secret". Plus, I figure they're going to be wondering why I'm absent from classes for a week, and wtf is going on with me when I start shedding the weight.   So, I told them! I told them all! It kind of just slipped out. I finally got to the NYC campus for my first day of grad classes, and noticed the desks were unbearably tiny (despite paying $30k a year, guys) and decided why panic? This will all be over soon! I'm proud of my decision to get the surgery. I have nothing to hide. I *have* tried every diet, been successful, unsuccessful, gained, lost, gained, etc. I know myself well enough to know this is something I want and need. Plus, I think by telling people rather than keeping it a secret, it helps to reduce the stigma attached to weight loss surgery and being obese in general.   Typical bullshit responses I've gotten so far: Oh, well, my father's friend's mother's aunt got the surgery, lost a TON of weight, but regained everything back after like...3 years!
Oh, gastric bypass? So you'll never eat again and be on a strict diet for the rest of your life? Oh, I see.
They do WHAT to your stomach??
I hear you're going to spend the rest of your life throwing up...you don't want that
One of my co-workers gained all the weight back and more. She eats McDonalds every day on her lunch break...and gained all the weight back...you don't want that, do you?
You'll never be able to eat pizza again and all that good stuff.
Maybe you should try another diet? I hear the FDA is approving a new weight loss pill this fall!
You know..maybe if you just try exercising you may be able to lose some of the weight
You're going to be needing iron infusions for the REST of your life
  So I have a few answers for this people...   I'm NOT your father's friend's mother's aunt's sister's boyfriend's uncle...I'm ME Yes, I know what I'm doing No, you can't change my mind Yes, I've researched And YES, I'm ready to begin a new life!
lovealways

lovealways

9
 

And Sometimes It Just Feels Lonely...

My sister and I are bestfriends. We get asked all the time if we're twins, and we always tell the person asking that we are. They also reply with "wow, you're identical"! It's always been fun because we'd share eachother's clothes, make jokes about our weight, fight over leftovers, cry over clothes shopping and embarresment of more weight gain, binge together, and confide in each other about how much it hurts to always be "the big girl" and never the pretty girl. Misery loves company, right? We did everything together, and understood each other in terms of the low self-esteem that comes with being a young adult...a fat young adult, at that.   But this all changed 3 weeks ago and 38 pounds later. My sister just had vertical sleeve surgery. I watched her struggle with her approval. I even bothered her about it when I was jealous when I had no insurance and mentioned often to her it was the "easy way out". I was excited for her, but her journey seemed exhausting with all the hoops insurance threw at her, that I honestly never thought we'd see the day come. She (was) before the surgery 38 pounds heavier than me. I found a sort of consolation in that, as hard as that is for me to admit. Why? I'm not sure. I think I felt and do feel so lousy about myself that I tried to believe that it was okay, and that I'd always be smaller than her, and that I wouldn't be the biggest one on the family. Selfish and mean of me considering how much she means to me. And now the weight is flying off of her, and now we're the same exact weight, and I suddenly feel...alone.   I'm ecstatic for her. Thrilled that she is happy. So excited to see her daily progress, and so excited to see her confidence already begin to blossom. She's showered in compliments and oohs and ahhs. I'm scared. I admit to myself that I'm alone in this right now. The comfort of having a "binging partner" the comfort of knowing we'd always be big and miserable TOGETHER and never alone, and now it's changed. Now she gets full off of two bites, and I stare at her in disbelief, in both happiness, and bitterness.   Jealousy is such a horrible trait to carry around...especially when it comes to jealousy over loved ones. It's such a evil, sinnister, disgusting little tyrant that continues to drain. I hate that. I just know that I've now become the biggest one. She, as well as food, was our security blanket...and I'm sure I was hers as well. Food provides consolation and comfort and solace. Our relationship consisted of a shared common interest in junk food and a shared understanding of what it felt like to be fat and miserable. My sister is the happiest she's ever been.   So where does that leave me? Well, I decided in late May early June once I got insurance, that I would join in on her journey and take "the easy way out". This journey has been anything but easy. I want to rekindle a relationship with her not based on food, but based on making health a priority and positive changes for us both.   I want us both to feel good. I want to transition to a new life with her. Most of all, I'd like to bond over real interests...not just what type of fast food joint we hope to eat at next.   I want the rest of this year to focus on transitioning and good, healthy, positive changes. For everyone.
lovealways

lovealways

2
 

The Only Way Out Is Through...

Going forward and not looking back. With the things I've had to overcome in my life mentally, I'm so ready to take the necessary steps ahead to start healing myself physically as well. I've been going through very extensive pre-op testing as required both by my insurance and my surgeon. Things have been great. I know what to expect and I have the help I need because my younger sister has already been through the process and just had her WLS on July 25th, 2012, so she's kind of been a motivating factor in this. I'm 27 years old, and relatively healthy, and currently a month and two weeks smoke free. I'm healthy, right? My PCP discovered three times total from my blood work that my markers for inflammation are high, as well as my white blood cells. He has no idea what's going on. I have no idea what's going on. I am now being referred to a rheumotologist (sp?) and will have to wait till Halloween to see him.   I have so much anxiety that my surgery (hopefully in late december) will be pushed back because of this. No one knows what's going on.   All I know is that I've spent so much of my life giving up on myself and on everything in general. This surgery is something I am not losing hope over. I will get this done.
lovealways

lovealways

1
 

Sorta Kinda Invisible

Hi, I'm Jenn I figured I'd start a blog to document my journey - the good, the great, the not-so-great, and the downright ugly side of things without an ounce of sugar coating.   Background:   I'm 27, from Long Island, NY, and a Social Work graduate student going to school in the city. I'm set to graduate in May of 2013. I work primarily with clients struggling with substance abuse disorders and mental illness. This is an incredibly exciting time in my life. I've worked so hard to get to where I am, mentally, yet physically...well, I've kind of disregarded that area of my life for awhile now. I've been through some very difficult times growing up, and have put my body through some damage. After all the work I've spent on recovering mentally from all that's happened, I completely neglected to take care of myself physically. This has become a problem now, because although I'm finally happy with where my life is heading, I feel like I'm carrying a huge weight on my shoulders at all. I guess I kind of am!   My BMI is 46. I struggle on a daily basis with 0 energy and horrible leg/knee pains. I have sleep apnea. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without breathing heavily. I hate being seen in public because of my weight. I'm 27, and I'm killing myself with food. I'm not going to wait around for it to destroy me. I'm ready to fight back.   I am in the process of doing the (horrible) extensive pre-op testing. I am also doing 6 months of a supervised weigh-in/diet with my PCP. When completed, I will be set to have surgery in December.   I am ready to feel 27. I'm ready to BE 27. And I won't take a "no" from anyone, nor will I tolerate any negative comments from people, I'm doing this for me
lovealways

lovealways

5
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