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Weight Loss Journey

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Did I just cry at work?

No matter how old I am, I always try to pull it together and look professional at work. Most of the time I succeed. Today I failed. Usually I am the youngest person in the office (really isn’t saying much now that I am in my mid-thirties) which in itself lowers my credibility. The over achiever in me also plays into this.   Stress can come at you full force, or in little pieces building up. Effective stress relief is a requirement in life. I am in serious need of finding a new tool. When I was in college, I would hit tennis balls as hard as I could against the backboard. After I hurt my knee, I would go shopping. Then I would have buyers remorse and return stuff. After shopping it was baking and eating it. No chocolate for me today = tears.   I saw this coming a few weeks ago when my eyelid twitch returned. The last time I had a twitch I was in college and the doctor’s resolution was to be less stressed. Ha good one! Furloughs…Potential RIF…spouses inconsistent pay…rental house…weight loss…pending surgery…knee pain…work project…3 hours in the ER…then a phone call that resulted in tears. The phone call in itself should not have resulted in me crying, but alas I had reached my breaking point. It is really unfortunate that I work in a cubicle and someone can walk up at anytime, like my boss.   Everyday is a new day. Just have to hope tomorrow is a better one. Also need to find a contractor to remove the brick wall from my cubicle.   Next up on the to do list: Research stress relief techniques. Need to be prepared next time. Have any suggestions? (Other than food, shopping, or alcohol.)
 

Image Perception

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "I look good"? ....then.....you see a picture of yourself in that outfit and words just can't express how unflattering it really is.   Image perception is what you see in the mirror. Your brain tricks you into seeing what you perceive yourself to look like instead of reality. Some people have a true disorder involving distorted image perception – body dysmorphia.   When I was in high school, I thought I was fat. When I looked in the mirror I saw a thick chunky girl. I look back at pictures of myself at 15 or 16 and I was not fat. Truth is I looked like a healthy teenager, not like the "anorexic" ideal. This is an issue that you often hear talked about in regards to anorexics and bulimics seeing a distorted image of themselves. In movies they compare it to looking in a funhouse mirror.   Recently I have noticed that I have the opposite issue. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see size 22 Kristina. I see size 16 Kristina. For some reason my brain is in denial about all the weight I have gained. My distorted image doesn’t really look that bad. I see a picture and it is shocking. That isn’t what I look like, that outfit looked good on me. My clothes are shrinking in the wash, no I have gained weight.   See a picture here: http://www.verticalsleevetalk.com/gallery/image/22606-image-perception/   Is image perception what causes all the funny Walmart pictures? We all wonder how people can think they look good when they look a hot mess.   In all seriousness, I am worried about image perception after the surgery. Am I going to see myself the same? Will I still think I look fat after I lose weight?
 

Blogging Newbie

Firstly, this is my first blog ever! I have thought about blogging for a while, but just never saw the point. I decided to go ahead and create a blog now because I would like to record a history of my weight loss journey. ***WARNING*** I will be using brutal honesty.   To be honest this is no where near the beginning of my journey. I have been battling my weight since I was a teenager. Some of my attempts were successful in the short term. Some were healthy choices. Some were not. Probably the most embarrassing things to admit to is buying illegal diet pills, throwing up and taking laxatives (that didn't last long). I have always wanted to be skinny, but my body has not always cooperated with me. After countless diets, diet books, diet pills, and meal plans, I have decided to get the gastric sleeve.   GASP.....did I just say that I am getting weight loss surgery? Yes, I did. The decision to have surgery is not one I made lightly. What I am choosing is to be healthier and to hopefully live a long fulfilling life. I am not taking the easy way out. I do not believe there is an "easy button" for weight loss or a healthy lifestyle. I previously decided to only tell a few people that I was considering surgery as I did not want to be judged. I will be judged, but that is OK. What I do ask for is acceptance and support.   I just received my approval by the insurance company and a surgery date has been scheduled. That sure brought some mixed emotions: anxiety, failure, and excitement. Anxiety of what is to come. Failure in my attempts to lose weight on my own. Excitement that I am opening a new chapter in life. So October 2nd it is!
 

Post-surgery Pregnancy Struggles

I watch the scale creep up. Sometimes, well really for more than half my life, the scale has been my enemy. For the last 18 months it has been a tool as I managed my weight loss after my gastric sleeve surgery. Sure we fought some. I couldn’t understand how I could be managing my calorie intake and exercising and that darn thing wouldn’t budge. But after perseverance I won the small battles. When I was initially scheduling my weight loss surgery (WLS), the doctor asks you to set a weight goal. I gave a number and then I mentally set 3 interim goals. My real goal was to have surgery and then within a year reach my weight goal, so I could then try to get pregnant. A year post-op and I had met 2 of my interim goals and was feeling great after losing 80 lbs. I changed my goal – one to a realistic healthy number and two to include a fitness element. So we went ahead and started our journey of expanding our family.   Fear creeps in when I get on the scale in the mornings. The number is getting bigger! I fight the urge to “diet” and restrict my calories. This morning I was .2 lbs below the last goal I had hit on my journey towards my ultimate weight goal. It is a number that I never wanted to go above again. I logically know that I am going to have to gain weight while pregnant. Emotionally I am fighting my demons. I strive to continue to be healthy during my pregnancy. I never thought it would be so hard to watch the scale move up. I really thought that I would just bask in being pregnant and enjoy every minute. Instead I look in the mirror and fear the fat returning. I am not a skinny girl and I don’t have a cute little baby bump at this point.   Firstly, I’m not sure who these women are that are just having easy pregnancies and glow. If I am glowing it is probably due to broken capillaries in my face from the frequent vomiting. Thankfully my all-day sickness is starting to become occasional sickness. And I am so tired, I just want to nap at my desk every day. Actually I have unknowingly fallen asleep typing. Do not take this as complaining, as I am not complaining since I am just having a few inconveniences versus some complications that some have to deal with.   The real struggle/question is how to balance the emotional demons and have a healthy pregnancy post weight loss surgery. I am striving to continue exercising and to eat healthy so both baby and momma are healthy. I will refocus on my goal after my precious baby boy arrives. 23 more weeks to go!
 

Wirlwind Month

September has been a crazy busy month! I am actually looking forward to my surgery, so I can rest.   I am a person that strives to do everything, even when there isn't enough time. I had to admit defeat this month and miss out on a family wedding. I was disappointed that I didn't get to celebrate my cousin's marriage to his beautiful bride and spend the day with family.   However, I spent the day out at a little airport with my husband and a group of his students. Although it rained most of the day and the days plans were ruined, it was still a good day. Watching how passionate everyone is about aviation was quite a sight. There was a group of atleast 50 people that sat around inside just waiting for the weather to clear for about 6 hours. Optimism was abundant and the pure passion they all have for aviation was abundant. My husband’s passion for aviation is unwavering, job losses, uncaring bosses, he just keeps driving on. Recently he said to me, “If you loved being an engineer half as much as I love being an aircraft mechanic, you would have so much fun.”   Where does my passion lie? Sure I am an engineer, mostly because I was good at math. Did I choose to be an engineer? No, my dad thought I would be good at it. There are days that I absolutely love my job and many where it is just a job. What I really love is helping people. Last night when I was walking back to my hotel from dinner, I gave a dollar to an older gentleman in a doorway. I know, you shouldn’t give money to beggars as they usually buy alcohol or drugs with it. It really wasn’t about the dollar, I was nice to him, told him to have a nice evening and his face lit up. I had just watched a man and his children completely ignore the older gentleman. Amazing how a bit of kindness can brighten someone’s day and your own. I do love helping people when I do my job, just need to find more days where I love it.   My surgery is in 9 days. One class to finish, a Piper's Barkery event at a dog fair and one work day to survive! I know I can do it! Ready for the next chapter in my life. I will then have 3 ½ weeks off from work to recuperate. Hope I can do a little self-reflection and rediscover my passion in life.
Kristina Mccarthy-Martin

Kristina Mccarthy-Martin

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