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My journey to healthy

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Confession-There's no point in sugarcoating it (pun intended!)

No sense lying on this blog. I went on a carb bender last night. I'm scheduled to be sleeved on Aug. 22 and am supposed to be on a liquid diet. Note: if you are thinking about posting a comment telling me that maybe I'm not ready for surgery (mentally or physically) or how dangerous this is, etc., please do us both a favor and refrain. Nothing you could say could make me feel worse than I already do.   Not looking for excuses but instead explanations so that I don't let this happen again. I still have 4 days to eat clean before surgery. Here's what I discovered:   The quitting smoking/drinking has been weighing on me. Those were two of my favorite coping mechanisms and they are gone. Yesterday, I took my son, daughter, and two of their friends to an amusement park for my son's birthday. I was exhausted. My brand new CR-V died on the way home from the park. I took the boys out for Steak and Shake dinner while I sipped water. All the sudden, an overwhelming feeling of aloneness and self pity snuck in. (I know...I know... I should be feeling GRATEFUL about the privilege of having this surgery). I ate a pastry crisp. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then a PB&J. Then drank some milk. It was HORRIBLE. It brought back all those feelings of the past 10 years of feeling completely out of control when it comes to food. For me, once I put carbs in my body, I am sunk -- the cravings are insane. So...I did what I've been doing for the past 10 years -- beat the absolutely hell out of myself mentally and woke up feeling absolutely defeated.   Some lessons from the experience:   1. Don't let myself get too exhausted mentally or physically. I felt like I "had" to take the kids to the amusement park because it was my son's birthday, but I probably shouldn't have tried that under the circumstances.   2. I'm going to have to be super gentle with myself through this process. On the liquid part, I am consuming less than 700 calories per day. I'm also super emotional and on edge because of the surgery coming up. This all means that I need to slow down and cut myself some slack. Sit and watch TV. Troll the internet. Whatever...I don't have to clean, cook, run around town for these next few days.   3. In contrast to the "be super gentle," it's also time to get really firm about some things. It is time that I am going to have to exercise some discipline and self-control no matter how hard, how emotional, how much of a bad day I'm having. Food, smoking, and drinking aren't acceptable answers any longer. Period.   That raises the issue of asking, "Ok, but as a practical matter, HOW am I going to do better?" I resolve to:   a. Type a call for help on to this forum and wait 30 minutes before I eat. b. Drink a big glass of water, Isopure, or crystal light while I'm waiting. c. Make a list of at least 3 things that I will enjoy about being healthier. d. If I still feel like eating, chose something with no carbs and no sweetness.   Here's to a diligent, self-controlled Sunday....   -Angela
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Report on surgery!

Day of surgery: I pop out of bed at 6:30 am because I am SO excited to get this over with. My sister drives me to the surgery center. I ask my surgeon again what are the chances that I'm going to die. My surgeon smiles and says he has done over 5,000 of these and he's never lost a patient. That helps some. I still beg for some "chill out" meds. They give me some and all seems okay. Then, the mask and that's all I remember until waking up in recovery.   Recovery: I woke up feeling very sore where the biggest incision is. I had to move from the surgery bed to a wheel chair to get me down to the outpatient recovery center. That sucked. I remember thinking, "This is not do-able." But it passed. I was ready to walk pretty quickly.   Nighttime: I got no sleep, but it wasn't bad. The nurse kept coming in to check my vital signs and I was vigilant about pressing my morphine button. I feel about morphine about the same way I felt about the epidural when my kids were born. They don't give out a medal for extra suffering...!   Day one post-op: The soreness increases some but it is manageable. Also, I am drinking water and ice chips at a quicker rate than I should be. Nurse tells me to slow down. The dreaded pulling out of the drain turns out to be not that big of a deal. At this point, before leaving the hospital, I feel pretty darn good.   Day one post-op once I get home. Things get a little dicey here. I find I can't hardly drink any water and I'm burping all the time. I vomit once. Then I crawl back in bed. Later, went to Target just to walk around some. Now, trying to get some more water in (I should say Crystal Light). Also, I'm on psych meds (Celexa and Lamictal). Doc says I can start taking them right away when I get home. I crush them and take them. I think it added some to my upset stomach, but for me it's totally worth it because I can't imagine having a full blown panic attack at this juncture!   Also, I'll add this because I worried whether it was normal: My stomach is WAY swollen. I look like I am 6 mos pregnant. I haven't lost any weight since I got home. From what I hear, this is fairly normal so I'm not going to freak out about it. I mean, seriously, I just had 80% of my stomach removed - my body has to be in shock. Still... the bloating/swollen feeling is yucky (I'm way less concerned with the weight loss at this point - the weight will come off -- it has to given what I'm (not) eating!   My biggest complaint: the burping, which makes me feel like I might vomit. Also, the soreness. The best way to describe it is like the pain you would get after doing a million sit ups. But, again, all-in-all, not too bad.   IF I CAN DO THIS, YOU GUYS CAN DO THIS TOO!!!!   I'll check in with Day 2 post-op tomorrow!
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So here I am... part old me; part new me; mostly scared me.

18 days til surgery. Having all kinds of second thoughts but in my heart of hearts I know this is the right decision for me. I've gained and lost the same 70 lbs over, and over, and over, and over again. Now, at 40, the weight is catching up with me. PCOS, high cholesterol, horrible knee pain, insulin resistance. It's time. I think what is getting me the worst right now is how much I am committing to an entirely new lifestyle and there is no going back. For me, this isn't just about food. It is about smoking, using food as comfort, not drinking. Those are three BIG changes for me. And part of my fear is that I just can't imagine that I am capable of this.   God please help me. Help soothe my nerves and my fears and stand with me through this process so that I might better do your will.
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What a difference a day makes

Hello friends! Thanks to all who posted the kind, encouraging comments. I can't tell you how much it means - really helped snap me out of the funk. With the caveat that I'm always happier in the morning (vs. evening when I'm hungry and tired), I will say that today it all seems bearable. I stuck to the pre-op diet perfectly yesterday (although I had more than one sugar free popsickle...!). Today, I am committed to doing it again, no matter how hungry and headachy I get. If you guys can do this, I can do this too!   In other news: I've been watching the Aug. 19 thread and it is so exciting to see those with whom you've been watching for the past week go through the process. They seem to all be nervous and excited. That's how I feel too -- I have to go to sleep 3 more times before it's time for the surgery. Can't get here fast enough as far as I'm concerned! Also, a shout out to all those who are on the other side of surgery and have posted their great results on the comments to this blog and on the larger forum. It is such an inspiration.   Lastly, there was a huge article in my local paper today (Kansas City Star) about the dangers of visceral fat. Visceral fat is the fat that we carry around our internal organs. (If you are considering sleeve surgery, trust me you have it). Reading the article was added motivation and comfort that I am making the right decision for myself and my children by having this surgery.   One recommendation to others who are nervous and always second guessing: remember how dangerous it is to remain overweight. I get myself into trouble when I start saying "I don't care if I'm fat...I am used to not looking good and having to buy big girl clothes." This is not a cosmetic surgery for any of us. It is truly a chance at a long and healthy life vs. a life of heart problems, knee problems, other inflammatory disease problems, etc. We are doing this for the right reasons. And the risk of this surgery is less than the risk of gallbladder surgery or knee surgery (I looked it up to give myself some comparisons).   Okay, back to work. Feels good to post a positive blog entry!   Have a great day, Angela
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Liquid diet today...my orders, not the surgeon's!

So...today I am starting my liquid diet. According to surgeon's orders, I am supposed to start 1 week from surgery (i.e., surgery on Aug. 22, start liquids on Aug. 15). I'm starting now because I'm so exhausted by all my food drama. I have been eating like I'm preparing for a frickin' electric chair. Literally eating into a food coma some days. It feels horrible. I know that discipline is going to be part of this new, healthier life so I might as well start this week. If nothing else, it will allow me to break this carb-bender/crazy maker. Also, this is the week of making some pre-surgery changes. I wish I would have done all of this a lot sooner, but I didn't..... So - Monday starts liquid diet. Thursday is my stop smoking date (2 weeks pre-surgery). I CAN DO THIS!   God help me.
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Liquid diet - You guys were right!

Okay...so.... I have been HORRIBLE about the pre-op diet. Was supposed to start 7 days in advance. Cheated my way through the first three days, including one of my "old" binges, i.e., eat carbs until stomach hurts then go sleep it off in a food coma. I got on the "real" diet 2 days ago and IT DOES GET EASIER just like you guys told me! I actually feel pretty darn good this morning. Now...the caveat is the usual caveat on my blog...I'm always better in the morning. Still....this is huge progress. Also, all smoking cravings are gone and I'm not using any nicotine replacement (didn't want to get addicted to the gum - lol)!   Another part of my experience that I thought I would share for those of you who are behind me in this process... As surgery gets closer, I actually am getting calmer. The 3 weeks prior to now, once I had my date, were pretty miserable. I truly went through a 3 week grieving period where I binged on foods and felt completely out of control -- all the worst parts of my food addiction. Spree, remorse, spree, remorse. I think it was a combination of two things: (1) the food funeral/electric chair eating effect; and (2) my nerves about the surgery (i.e., was I doing the right thing for the right reasons, was I really ready to change my entire life - quit smoking, quit soda, quit alcohol, and quit abusing food all at once??, would I be able to stick with my resolutions when in the past I never did, etc. etc. (these thoughts went on and on...). My pre-surgery craziness made me question again whether I was really ready for this. Now that I'm 2 days from surgery, it all feels bearable and I feel calm and confident.   I will re-post this so that I can hear it again... I am not doing this for cosmetic reasons. This is not a vanity surgery. This is a necessary surgery to allow me the chance at a long, full life with my children. Even though my BMI is "only" 35 and I'm "only" 40, I have significant co-morbidities: sleep apnea, high cholesterol, PCOS, orthopedic issues. These will only get worse with time. And...as important to me.... I am SO EXHAUSTED from the food insanity. I spent so much time planning what I was going to eat, eating what I was going to eat, hiding what I was going to eat, feeling guilty about what I ate, trying to "make up" for what I ate by starving myself -- which started the whole insane process all over again with another binge. Although I know that this surgery isn't a magic bullet and that my head is going to have to change along with my habits, but I also believe that this is the first step toward sanity.   Finally, for others who are Friends of Bill W., I will tell you that my program is really helping with this process. I remind myself that the 2nd step says that it is going to restore me to sanity. I keep repeating that. Take the action (the surgery), work the steps (my program), and be RESTORED TO SANITY. Now THAT is something to look forward to.... To me, this is even better than the 9th step promises!   Okay...scrambling to finish up projects at work so I can have a little peace during recovery.   Love to all, Angela
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4 days til surgery and I'm not ready for this!

Hello friends. I'm feeling very out of sorts and scared at the moment. I am on Day 3 of the pre-op liquid only diet and I am feeling INSANE. I'm hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. And it is making me question everything about this surgery. I gave up smoking and drinking for this surgery and it is really hitting home how much I have used food to comfort myself. I know these are all healthy, adult changes to make - and I just turned 40 -- it's time to GROW UP. At the same time, maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew (pun intended). Many folks on this forum have said, "If you can't do the pre-op, how will you do the post-op?" I'm wondering that myself today....   Sorry to be such a downer, but I think it's important to blog my real experience. And today that experience sucks!   Hopefully by tomorrow I will be in a better place to post something more positive...!
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I can't believe surgery is tomorrow!

After all the obsessing, the second-guessing, the tears, the food funerals, the binges "pre the pre-op," the failures on the pre-op, the successes on the pre-op, the hours reading on this site. And now.... the surgery is tomorrow!   Some musings:   --As I've posted, as surgery gets closer, I get calmer. Or at least that has been true up until today. I am going to post tonight to see if I start freaking out again, but right now I am solid and confident that this will all go well and I'll be very happy with the results.   --As I look around my community at women and men who are as overweight or more overweight as I am, I feel such compassion. I know how that feels to be in this body and not believe I could ever get out. The feeling of a sugar binge, the out of control feeling, the horrible remorse and beating of self, then the starving myself to "make up for" the binge. And then the entire cycle starting again. So many people will remain stuck there because they don't know about the surgical option, cannot afford the surgical option, or are too scared to go with the surgical option. I feel so blessed today. Although I have no illusions about how tough this is going to be, at least I have hope of a real and lasting change.   --I keep remembering my surgeon telling me that this is the only real cure for obesity. A CURE - not a bandaid this time!   --The risks of this surgery are less than the risk of gallbladder surgery or hip replacement surgery. I have weighed the risks and benefits and I'm not going to start the mental mindf--ck of second guessing myself this late in the game. Now is not the time to start re-questioning my decision. I thought long and hard about this before I made my decision. Now is the time to trust.   --I'm feeling grateful for this forum. It has been such a blessing to be able to read about your experiences, share my experiences, ask for help, ask for advice, and receive inspiration and support. You guys are like an online family. Only a lot more understanding about the weight stuff LOL!   --Because I am so grateful for being able to learn about this process by reading your experiences, I am resolved to "give back" by blogging my own experience. I've blogged pre-op. I fully intend to blog as soon as I get home from surgery and for the time I am home from work so that others can get another perspective on "what it is really like."   Okay...that's it for me this morning.   I'll check in tonight.   P.S. I stayed on my pre-op diet again yesterday - put together 3 days plus today (assuming I stick to it). Also, 2 week anniversary of quitting smoking. I rarely have cravings and I love not always wondering "where are my cigarettes?" "do I have enough cigarettes?" "how much longer til my kids go to bed so that I can sneak outside and have a cigarette." Etc.   Love to all, Keep the faith, Angela
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'Twas the night before surgery

I have to tell you guys -- this is bizarre, but I'm actually doing ok all things considered. I'm feeling a little squirrley, but for the most part, I'm just excited it is almost here!   For those of you who are behind me in terms of timing on this journey, here have been the most challenging parts of this process:   1. Making the decision. Until I literally put down money (I'm self pay), I was having a constant dialogue about "should I or shouldn't I." It was exhausting.   2. Mourning the food. I felt like a crazy woman for the 2 weeks leading up to my pre-op diet. I ate everything I could get my hands on. Seriously. I went to a different restaurant every night. I ate until I was sick. It was horrible. And it made me question EVERYTHING -- I kept saying to myself, "You are pathetic. If you cannot control yourself better than this, then surgery will never work for you." I now know that was just self-sabotage (as was the crazy behavior itself).   3. Giving up smoking and alcohol. These were a bit tough, but not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I just feel like if my entire life is changing, my entire life might as well change (if that makes any sense). No use holding on to other unhealthy coping behaviors. And what's the point of getting my health risks down with the surgery if I were going to continue to smoke?   4. Thinking too much about what my life will be life after this surgery. I know this is an important part of the decision making process because this surgery is irreversible and life-changing. That said, I think I over-scared myself. I keep forgetting that the person I am today does not have the same perspective as the person I will be after surgery. For example, right now, food is the center of my world. I can't imagine life without big plates of pasta, and ice cream, and steak, (etc). But once I get used to eating with the sleeve, I am confident that other things will fill in that void. I have faith that there is life on the other side of food addiction.   Okay -- off to eat my last popsickle before I make an effort at sleep.   See you all on the other side!!!!
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Sanity today - thank you liquid diet!

Hello friends! What a WONDERFUL support group I have found online. I just can't tell you how much I appreciate the encouraging comments. Today's update: Went to bed last night after reading on here about 2 people dying after surgery. Not sure if it's true but leave it to me to find something to be scared about and obsess on. Went to bed nervous, questioning, and resolving to update my will before surgery. This morning.... sanity has returned. Here's today's gift: I am GRATEFUL to be on a liquid diet today. For those of you who haven't read the earlier posts, I was talking about how the food insanity of "preparing to prepare" for surgery was making me crazy. I was eating everything I could get my hands on and then sleeping it off almost like after a few drinks. It was scary how crazy I felt. Started liquids yesterday and woke up today SO glad to be free from the food insanity. The structure of liquid diet and not thinking about what "fun" thing I could eat today feels sooooo good. I am even more convinced that this surgery is the right thing for me. I have realistic expectations -- I don't expect it to be a breeze, but if better health and increased sanity are on the other side, count me in. It's a risk I'm willing to take.
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Day 2 post-op report

Today has been pretty uneventful. I slept all day. Literally. I got up every 4 hours to walk a little and drink a little and do some deep breathing. Then...back to bed. I got in 32oz of fluids (and I'm sure I can get in another 10 or 15 oz). As far as I'm concerned, this is pretty amazing.   I thought very seriously about going to my kids' soccer games this morning -- that's how ok I feel. I ended up staying home just because it is Africa hot here and I knew I could sleep.   My tummy is still swollen - I look fatter than I was when I went in for surgery. That said, some of the fluid has started to drain off. I was 230 on DOS. I came home at 237. Today, I'm back to 230. So that is very encouraging. (I'm not concerned about the weight loss right now - but it is nice to have the swelling go down).   I took a shower today - I highly recommend it. It made me feel more human. After the shower, I changed my dressings. I wasn't prepared for these big honkin' staples. They are sore and itchy.   Burping remains an issue. But it is way easier to drink today as compared with yesterday.   Tomorrow is my 8 yr old son's birthday. My BFF is hosting a party for him so all I have to do is show up with the little birthday boy. I'm confident I can do it. While napping today, I had a dream that I freaked out and went inside and ate all the icing off the red velvet cake. Total reminder of my "old" self. Eating in secrecy, feeling guilty, etc. Soooooo glad I don't have to do that anymore.   Finally, I know it is too early to say, but I can't imagine that I won't be ready to go back to work at the end of week 1. If I absolutely had to, I think I could go back Monday (I have a desk job). Don't get me wrong....it wouldn't be easy, but it could be done. I say that just because I know there are lots of people out there wondering about work. My advice: take off as much time as you can but don't let a lack of time off prevent you from having this surgery.   Okay...I'm about ready for bed again...hahaha! Tomorrow - FULL LIQUIDS HERE I COME!!! (Not a moment too soon!)   Love to all, Angela
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One week from today, surgery will be over!

I can't believe surgery is one week from today. It's strange because the closer it gets, the more calm I feel. The weeks leading up to now have been pretty miserable because I've done so much worrying. Strange that, now that surgery is closer, I feel better about it. One of the hardest things about preparing for surgery was the month long food funeral. I know that others talk about how healthy they were pre-op, etc. etc. and that always makes me feel bad. I was the opposite. I felt like I had to eat everything under the sun - all I could think of was food some days. It made me feel so pathetic. And insane. Now that the liquid diet is in full swing and surgery is right around the corner, i feel much more in control. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still scared. My most common fear (today...!): If I could plan and cook healthy meals and stick to that plan, I wouldn't be in this situation - I would have lost the weight and kept it off a long time ago. What makes me think that surgery is going to make it any easier to meal plan and stick to the plan? Unfortunately, I don't know the answer to that question. I'm going to sleep on it tonight....
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All that has to change is EVERYTHING

Today is my last day of smoking. It is a nasty, smelly, expensive, unhealthy habit that I will be so glad to be rid of! I feel the same way about this food addiction. I'm so ready to make this change. In many ways I wish I could hibernate for these next two weeks and wake up with surgery behind me. But I need to remember that this part of the process is really important too. It is allowing me to really be aware of how big a role food (and cigarettes) play in my life. This sounds horrible to admit, but I can't imagine a life without smokes and platefuls of food (and raw cookie dough, etc). That's when I remind myself about the magic of this process - I absolutely believe that there is a happier, healthier life after food and cigarette addiction -- there has to be! And I trust that there will be! I am confident I will look back on this and smile (with lots of compassion) at this person who has allowed food to rule her life. I am not a holy roller at all, but I really believe that there is a power greater than me that is guiding me through this process. Today I am going to trust the process that thousands of others have walked before me.
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Mornings are better than evenings (6 days til surgery)

I woke up happy, joyous, and free this morning. I had a dream last night that my two BFFs were trying to talk me out of surgery and saying, "Just try one more time to do it on your own." I responded, "IT WON'T WORK." I woke up feeling so secure about my decision. The feeling I had in the dream is so right on - I have tried and tried and tried and tried. And even if I could take off 75lbs, the chances of me keeping it off are slim. Also, on Good Morning America today they showed results of a study showing that 18% of premature deaths are caused by obesity. That's another good reminder. Bottom line: Today, I am at peace with my decision. Caveat: It is only 8:30am. When I'm hungry later today, I may start questioning again. Hahahah. What a ride this is....! 6 more days til surgery!
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