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In the beginning......of my journey

Entries in this blog

 

Worry

I received a call from the bariatric doctor's office yesterday. I didn't get home until later yesterday, so I didn't check my messages. They said they need to talk to me about my insurance before my appointment. That has me pretty worried. I called my insurance before I ever started this to make sure WLS was covered, which it is. I also asked what were the qualifications I needed to meet, which I have no real concern of meeting. I also wanted to know if there was a required amount of time on a medically supervised diet/exercise program needed, and there wasn't. I was very specific to find that out because my old insurance did have one, you had to do it for 12 consecutive months before being considered. I had actually went to my GP to start the process in March, before my leg went to hell in a handbasket again... So I am just at a loss what problem there may be. The only thing I am thinking is maybe they do not want to cover as I have had a lot of expense this year already. I know I have met my out of pocket max for the year, but I am not sure what the annual coverage max is- if there is one. I don't know but it has me really worried. I have pinned all my hopes for my future on this and it makes me so nervous to think it may not happen. Then what??? I get to the point I am wheelchair bound because I can no longer walk? I have repeated DVTs because my vascular problems get worse? I can't be am active part of my daughter's life? Or the worst thought of all....I die young because of the weight? I pray with every fiber in my being that it is just some small glitch ( like maybe they can't read my writing or something) and I am worrying for nothing.
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Update

My PCP is the culprit of the delayed record share. I received a call back from them yesterday afternoon and the nurse told me they will be sending everything over tomorrow. (Friday) Apparently they have an outside company that comes in a couple times a month that handles these types of requests. She also said only one year of the two required is actually already in a computer file, therefore the earlier records have to be pulled manually. ( And scanned to be sent) To be honest it probably is not a lot of info. I did not have a lot of medical contact in 2012. So my surgeon's office will have everything they need from my PCP tomorrow. I hope the pulmonary evaluation report will be in too. It will be a week since the tests were ran. I may call the pulmonologists' office tomorrow to find out. So if they have all the records and needed clearances by tomorrow I am keeping my fingers ( and toes and eyes) crossed that they will submit them to insurance next week. That will probably be the most nerve wracking time, waiting to see if I am approved. Given I have a BMI in the 50s, (for several years) severe osteoarthritis in my knees, a history of DVTs and PEs and permanent vascular damage in my right leg I SHOULD be approved without problem. But there is a small nagging fear in the back of my mind that says I do not have the "big" co-morbidities of high blood pressure or diabetes. Those are two things that would pretty much guarantee approval with my insurance. I am scared to death that I have set myself on this path, I am determined it is my "salvation" of sorts, and that I could be denied and not get the surgery. That would devastate me to no end. I do not want my health to get worse. I do not want further damage done to my leg to the point I could actually lose it. (worst case scenario of course) I do not want to be the "fat mom" who is unable to be an active part in her child's life. My daughter already has to deal with the fact I am the "old" mom, at least I would like to be the active, highly energetic older mom who is not limited by her body! I have zero doubts that this is the path I need to be on. Yes, I have fear of major surgery. ( You would have to be pretty numb not to) But I have no reservations about what the sleeve means and how it will effect my life. I so hope I end 2013 starting my new life. Nothing else is acceptable now. It is now a waiting game. A very stressful, anxiety ridden, nail biting, difficult wait. My entire future depends on the outcome of the decision made by insurance. Some office flunky will have my life in their hands....
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The end is near...

The end of all my clearances is on the horizon. Today I went to the pulmonologist. He is scheduling a blood oxygen test, a chest x-ray and some other test. Not expecting anything negative. But it is what I have to do to get to the next step. Once those tests are done and the clearance is given, then my paperwork will be submitted to the insurance company. I am still very anxious to get to the next chapter. Yet I will admit some nerves are starting to creep in. It is to be expected. Once I wake up from the surgery it will be ok. I will expect to hurt, but if I don't then bonus. I will expect to have to learn how to live with my new stomach, but if it goes smoothly then bonus. I will expect my entire life to change, to shift at least. If it doesn't then I am doing something wrong!!! LOL I cannot wait to be able to be more active. I cannot wait to have a body that allows me to enjoy things I once took for granted. I cannot wait to spend time playing with my daughter. This weekend we spent time doing yard work around the house. It was needed badly. Due to my leg issues and weight I have not been able to do much outside this year. But my leg is feeling a lot better. Yes my knee still hurts, but not as much. And I do still get occasional pain in my calf from the vascular damage, but it is now only occasional. Just losing 19lbs has created that much difference, I can only imagine what my future holds once I lose a significant amount of my weight! This weekend I did yard work and then housework and laundry the next day. I was not so stowed up I could barely walk after. I ached some, but today I am doing ok. This is what I want my life to be. I want to LIVE my life, be an active participant. So any fears or anxiety I may have going into this major surgery, those things are what will keep me going. I am so very excited to see where I will go!!!
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Temptation

The past few days have been really hard for me. I don't know exactly why. I made the cake for my friend and wasn't too tempted until I got to the end while icing it. Then they had the shower and I decided to eat. While I didn't eat a whole lot it was stuff I had cut out of my life. I had the whole "this will be my last carry in I can eat" thing going on in my head. ( I went for my last clearance that morning) So I indulged. Made me feel heavy and bloated. After eating well since August 1st it was a wake up call to how I had been living. But today I have been crazy hungry. It's like I woke a sleeping beast inside me. I worked so hard to put it to sleep and one day undid that. I spent the day at my grandmother's house so it was hard to eat well. Breakfast was an Egg White Delight McMuffin from McDonalds and coffee. Not the best but not horrible. Then by two o'clock I was hungry again. We went to Subway where I got a footlong flatbread club to split with my grandma. Again, not horrible. Except I also bought cookies. Ideally they were for my four year old and grandmother. But before I even realized what I was doing I ate some. I am so upset with myself. The worst part is, as I lay here writing this, my stomach is growling. I am still hungry! This is all just reinforcing to me why I need this surgery. I need a tool to help me stay in control. I know I also need to work on my emotional side, why I give in to temptation. I feel I need a "sober eating" coach. Like in AA when you have a sponser. Someone to call when the temptation is great.. Someone to talk me down. Right now I could use that for my eating compulsions. I really pray I can get the surgery soon and begin living with a stomach that works with me instead of against me!
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So it begins..

Every person who comes to bariatric surgery has a reason, a story. No one wakes up one day and goes "you know, having my stomach partially removed,diverted, or banded sounds like fun- I think I want to do it!" Nope. There is a reason. A moment of giving it over to a higher power mixed with taking full charge of your weight loss. It is the most odd feeling when your brain makes the leap and decides it is what needs to be. I truly believe bariatric surgery is a last ditch effort for so many of us. (Disclaimer- can't say there are not those who think it is a quick fix or an easy out. But from all I have read and seen, it is FAR from "easy".) I admit, I am from the school of thought where this kind of surgery is "giving up". I have never seriously considered it for me. When I thought about weight loss it was all on me and my will power. If I just dieted enough or exercised enough it would be all I needed. But at 43 years old the light bulb, as dim or as bright as it may be, finally went off. I am not a dieting or exercise success. I am morbidly obese. I need to be realistic. I need to change now, while I still can. The consequences of not changing are just not an option.   Let me go back here a little. I have to say I have always been on the chubby/chunky/ curvy/ husky side. I was never "thin" like the other kids. I had a round face and a tummy when I was young. I developed early. In junior high and high school I felt pudgy. Even though I know now I was far from obese, society made me feel fat. I wasn't athletic, but I was active. A band nerd. ( And anyone who has been in marching band knows it is a physically active thing!) After high school and into my early adulthood I was still heavy-ish. But I was starting to realize I had curves that were pleasing to some, it wasn't just being fat. Into my mid twenties I probably wore a size large, maybe up to a 14-16. But since I was only 5'3", this was FAT. Then in my mid twenties I got married. The perfect storm for weight gain began. I began to have "female issues", I was in a somewhat stable relationship, ( at least for a short while) I quit working jobs that required me being on my feet and got a desk job. It all added up, and I started piling on the pounds. I quickly gained in excess of 50lbs in the matter of months. 200lbs, 225lbs,250lbs...the numbers on the scale just kept going up. I stopped gaining around 250lbs. I went into "diet" mode. But this time it wasn't coming off like before. When I had wanted to lose weight before all I had to do was eat less and move more. This time it wasn't working. After some other things going on health wise, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. (PCOS) My marriage failed in a few short years. I joined a gym. I dieted. I gave up. I was on the hamster wheel... Years passed and I lost weight, only to gain it back with extra. This went on for years. Then my mother passed away unexpectedly in 2003, which threw my world into chaos. I gained custody of my niece and nephew when she passed. I had never had children, so it was a new world. And they did not come without a LOT of issues of their own. The next four years were a struggle to just get through life. During that time my weight edged up further, until I hit a (then) all time high of 314lbs. Finally, in 2007, I decided I REALLY needed to change. I joined Curves and got my butt moving. I put myself on a very restrictive diet and managed to knock off 36lbs. In about six months I started to feel great, see a new me emerging. But then I hit a stall. I stopped losing. I managed to keep it off for a while, but could not get back to dropping anything. Then something happened I never saw coming, which lead to the next major change in my life.   With my 36lb weight loss came a new confidence. I started going out and dating. I met a man. I won't go into all the troubles that came of that, it is best put on another blog! LOL But I did end up pregnant. I NEVER thought it would happen. With my PCOS and female issues, I did not believe I could get pregnant. But at 38yrs old I did. I had a healthy baby girl in November of 2008. But life wasn't perfect. I am a single mom. There are a lot of struggles, including financial. I would love to say I never lost the baby weight, which got me to where I am now- but that would be a lie. I lost all I gained plus a couple extra pounds by my 6 week check up after she was born. No, my body was changed by having a baby but I cannot say I gained weight from it. But slowly I did start gaining again. So in 2010 I decided to start back to Curves and I added Zumba to my arsenal. I was determined to get back on the right track. But an already arthritic knees could not handle the intensity of Zumba, and I was soon having a lot of problems with my knees. I started seeing a orthopedic doctor and tried all kinds of things to help nurse the knee back to health. You see, before the knee problems I was a pretty darn healthy person. Yes, I had PCOS and female problems. But I did not have the common weight related issues such as high blood pressure or diabetes. I just had bum knees holding me back. So after months of trying this remedy or that one it was decided I needed surgery to "clean up the knee". Well surgery went off without a hitch. I had more severe arthritic degeneration than he had thought, but other than that I was ok. Until two days post op. I developed a DVT (deep vein thrombosis-blood clot) behind my knee. The day after I was admitted to the hospital for it I had a pulmonary embolism and was rushed to ICU. ( FYI- actor Dennis Farina just died yesterday from the same thing) This was a set back to say the least. But time passed and eventually I got back to "normal". I was never able to go back to Zumba, but I did return to Curves. Yet the weight continued its climb higher. I can maintain a weight for a few years, then suddenly I start gaining another 10, 15, 20lbs. As I have aged, and as I have gained, it has taken more of a toll on my joints. I started having to swallow anti inflammatory medicine like Pez. Then suddenly, without warning, this past spring all hell broke loose...   In March I started having pain in my "bad" leg. I thought I had another clot, but it was determined I did not. I was told I had vasculitis or phlebitis. Then in April it got worse. Another check determined I DID have another DVT. I started treatment with blood thinners and bed rest. A few weeks later I returned to work for a sum total of 2 1/2 days. Then my leg took another turn for the worse. Apparently the clot got BIGGER, migrated upward AND I had another small pulmonary embolism. Five more days in the hospital. After I was released I had to be on bed rest for another month. I was told I now have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life. My vascular doctor has informed me the veins in my leg are "destroyed". I have chronic venus insufficiancy. I have to wear a compression stocking on that leg everyday for the rest of my life to try to avoid further deterioration. And the worst part.....I can no longer take my arthritis medication due to taking blood thinners. I have lived with increasing pain for the past couple of months. It is no doubt my weight has continued to climb now, as I am basically seditary at all times. And depression over my situation has lead me to eat more. I looked into disability. I actually have two qualifying factors, so physically I can get it. But I thought long and hard about it. Do I want to live the rest of my life in pain? Do I want to keep gaining weight from being depressed and unable to do anything? And what about my daughter? What kind of mother can I be to a four year old like this? How can I be an active part of her life when I can't even be an active part of my own life?   That was the day it all changed for me. The day I decided I had one answer, one path I MUST follow. I HAVE TO GET THE WEIGHT OFF! And the path I decided I need to take is the bariatric path. I started doing a lot of research. I called my insurance provider and verified they cover it and the qualifications for it. (oh I TOTALLY qualify!!) I spoke to my primary care doctor. He referred me to Dr. Bruce. I have not stepped foot into his office yet, but I feel my choice is clear and made for me. After much research and consideration I choose to pursue the sleeve. I had initially thought lap band, but a lot of things are swaying my decision. So if Dr. Bruce agrees with my thought process, and my insurance will cover the cost, I plan to go full steam ahead with it. I have already been to my vascular doctor to get his clearance for surgery. He said losing weight would help my vascular issues a great deal, and is very much supportive of my decision. I have researched and read and planned as much as I can. I am being VERY proactive. I have decided (on my own) to begin changing as many habits as I can now to help with the process. I am making myself drink more fluids (ie:water) daily. I have decided that, starting in August, I am changing how and what I eat. I want to begin the post surgery diet, consisting of mostly protein. I feel it will not only help me succeed in the long run, it will also be easier to NOT have to change everything I have done all my life in just a matter of a few weeks. (not to mention having to deal with major surgery at the same time) One BIG habit I have to get in to is NOT drinking while eating, and chewing my food until it is paste. Those things will be tricky for me. But I know I can do it..I know I HAVE to do it. And I will be documenting and blogging as I go. ( If you have not been able to tell, and have read to this point, I like to speak my mind! No matter the form or to whom...LOL) So if anyone else is just starting this journey, or has been on it for a long time, and wants to read one woman's insightful, crazy, thought provoking or just plain weird story stay tuned..................................
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She knows

My daughter Rowen is a very bright and perceptive four (almost five!) year old girl. Maybe it's because I am an "older" mother, or maybe because it is just the two of us, but she seems different than others her age. I mean that in a good way too. First of all she started early on talking in clear and concise sentences. Wasn't much baby talk or anything, her vocabulary picked up quickly. And her pronunciation has always been spot on. So a lot of people have a hard time believing she is only four. Yes, she does have a lot of traits typical of her age, but other things about her are more advanced. She notices things quickly, she gets that from me. She is very aware of her surroundings and what is happening at all times. Which sort of leads me to my blog topic....She knows. I told her up front and plainly I was having surgery to "lose weight and get healthy". I know everyone has opinions on how to handle telling their children, especially young ones. I chose to be honest. Rowen has had to deal with me being hospitalized for blood clots on a couple occassions now and it was scary to her. Mostly because each time was sudden andd unplanned. One day mommy is there, then she is in a hospital with things hooked up to her. So I wanted her to feel confident I was going to be ok this time, that I am planning this trip to the hospital. But in my confidence I am also being realistic and mature. I have drawn up a will and a living will. I know this is major surgery. I know I have a history of blood clots doing bad things to me. While every precaution in the world has been taken to ensure my safety, I know sometimes things just happen. So I am being an adult and dealing with every possibility. I am afraid my daughter has heard things though that are scaring her. I'm not sure. I know she has overheard me explaining the will/ living will to a couple people. I don't think she is old enough to grasp it. But I do know she has become super clingy of late. My child has never been the whiney momma's girl type. While we have always had a close bond, she has always been an independant girl. I have encourged it because I know it will help her succeed in life, make her a confident and outgoing person. But lately she is clinging. Suddenly she doesn't want me to leave her at the sitter's in the morning. (And this woman is like family, she has been with her since she was 6 weeks old!) In the evening Rowen wants to be on me every moment. She gets upset that I have to cook dinner, she just wants me to sit down so she can get on my lap. And she has been refusing to sleep in her bed. Again, never has been a problem. She isn't scared of her room, she just wants to be by me. I am afraid she is afraid. I don't know much of what to do. I reassure I will be ok. I talk of all the fun things we will do when I am "skinny" and able to. I think she is afraid I am going away. She has only known me as I am, obese. I am what is her normal. She has even told me I am fine and she doesn't want me to change. Even though she gets that I am much bigger than others, and that my weight makes me hurt and have problems, this has always been me. I even think her sudden desire to eat junk and snack all the time is her way of trying to emulate me, to be like me. ( which I actually don't do, but she knows eating like that will make her gain weight eventually) All I know to do right now is to show her I am here. I just love her and keep going. At this point, when it is so close, I think I just need to get through it. What better way to reassure that I am still mommy than to show her? Have the surgery, make the changes, and show her I love her all the same. I know that I will be able to be a much better mommy physically once the weight is gone. I just think right now a certain four year old is realizing "this" mommy (the obese one) has to go away, and part of her will really mourn the loss...
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Perceptions, opinions and why everyone has one... (even if it is WRONG)

I am a cooking show junkie. Probably not the best thing for a girl waging war on her fat and going for WLS. In fact, I did try to stop watching them. But I am hooked. Now I just try to get ideas and figure ways to make a version that I can enjoy. (without guilt) Anyway, getting off topic. I was watching one of my cooking shows the other night. It was the end of the show when they run the spoiler for the next show. It is getting down to the wire of contestants and things are getting heated. Then they show a clip of one contestant speaking of the other and she says "Time for that COW to go!" And there you have it. I was shocked. Not at the fact she said it , no. The girl is the "Barbie" of the show. Tall, thin, young, blonde and beautiful. The woman she was speaking of is a bit older, a single mom. Very middle America type, heavy set. Now the second woman can be a total witch when she wants, which is often. But the fact the "pretty" girl referred to her as a cow...Where is the moral outrage? Why haven't I seen news reports about another show having bigoted contestants? Another popular show has been the topic of all kinds of reports for the contestants being racist and bigots. So why is nothing being said about this clip? I will tell you why. Because weight / fat bashing is the last acceptable form of bigotry left in the United States. When someone uses racial slurs most of us get offended because we know it is wrong. When someone is discriminated against for their religion or sexual preference it is wrong. Yet many, MANY people still find it perfectly acceptable to use a person's weight as a form of ridicule or to discriminate against them. When the girl said "cow" to reference the other lady, she was making a comment about her size. Instead she could have made a remark that is about her personality, but no. ( She could have said b*tch and been completely correct) This person went right to the slur that would hurt the worst. And as an overweight (ok, obese) American I was very disgusted by it. But I will also be the first to admit I am conditioned by it. And I think that every person who struggles with their weight is in the same boat. Even those who practice "fat acceptance", who claim to be fat and proud. I think deep inside, in the core of our souls we are all hurt by any mention of our weight. It is such a tricky and delicate subject. A lot of people get heavy because they eat too much and do too little. A lot of people have emotional issues that contribute. A lot of people have medical problems that have lead to excess weight issues. Our country has a growing population of obesity, yet we all (to some degree) consider thinner people the "norm". An average weight adult is no longer the common folk, they are the exception. Yet fat bashing runs rampant. That is a fact I just cannot wrap my head around. I guess if I really put thought into it I come up with the analogy of comparing heavy people who fat bash to black people saying the "N" word. It is wrong. It hurts. It is a trigger that strikes at the very heart of the person it is unleashed on. Yet someone who IS that uses the term... well somewhere in our psyche we believe if we say it then we deflect it. It isn't me, it bounces off. I am not what I say. It is the only thing I can justify it with. But I think the constant ridicule conditions us to be defensive. We tear ourselves down just the same. I have seen a lot of recent chatter about how people deal with questions about their weight loss. Most of the posts have been very defensive and negative. It is a topic no obese person wants to discuss, unless it is on our terms. I have seen folks say how a coworker would ask about their weight loss and they thought that person was rude and nosey. Really? Put the shoe on the other foot a moment. If you knew someone wouldn't you be at least curious ( if not concerned) if they suddenly lost a lot of weight? I am a compassionate person by nature. I would want to know if that person was ok, was anything wrong. I would want to help them if they needed help, and support them if it was something they wanted. So if people ask me about my weight loss I plan to be very open about it. I understand there are a lot of people who are against WLS. They have the misconception that "diet and exercise" is all you need to be healthy. For some, yes. But my diet and exercise needs help. I blame tv and media for the wrong attitudes. All the extreme weight loss shows that are not really reality. My reality doesn't allow me to put my life on hold for x amount of time so I can hole up with a personal trainer and dietician. I cannot fit in 5 hours a day to work out. I don't have a $1000 gift card to buy all my healthy food and fresh produce. These kind of shows ingrain the idea that diet and exercise will melt the weight in no time, so we must just be lazy or happy being fat. People will have their opinions. I have learned to live my truth and let them believe as they will. I know I can't change attitudes like that, so why fight and try? At the same time I do not have shame for my choice. I am not going to lie. And if asked, I will be honest. Because when it all boils down I know I am being true to me. And maybe my truth will somehow influence someone. I do know I am raising my daughter to be one less fat basher in the world. At the end of the day everyone matters.
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One small step for this (wo)man

Tonight is the bariatric seminar. It is mandatory to take to become a patient with the practice I have been referred to. I am very excited, I want to get this party started! I have to keep myself motivated, keep pushing forward. I am the kind of person who will give up all too quickly if I do not see progress. Not exactly a shining personality trait, but it is who I am. It explains a whole lot about my lifelong weight struggles. Also explains how so many of my "big ideas" have never panned out. But this time is different. I have to stay focused. I cannot give up just because things aren't going at the speed I want them to. There are many steps in the process that I have no control over and I must accept that. At the same time I am being little Miss Proactive and I am trying to speed things along as much as I can. My GP told me I would have to get clearances from all my doctors relating to my recent DVT/PE. I already went to the vascular doctor and got his blessing. I go to my hematologist on 8/6 for my post hospital check up, and I will get his clearance at the same time. My GP is already on board, although I am aware I will have to do a full physical. And during my research I read that some doctors prefer you have your pap tests / mammograms current. I went ahead and scheduled my pap for next month ( not really due until September) and will get the mammogram scheduled from there. Like I said, I am doing my part. I won't lie either, there is a financial motivation involved in all of this as well.. Since I had the issue with my leg, the hospitalization, the minor surgery to have an IVC filter placed, all the tests that go with being on blood thinners, and all the doctor visits stemming from it all...I have met my cap out of pocket amount through my insurance for the year. Therefore, if I can get the whole process approved and surgery done before the end of the year I will have little to no out of pocket expense. I am not fully motivated by this, but it is just another component of my decision. Might as well kill two birds with one stone! LOL But the idea of losing weight and feeling so much better in my body is the biggest draw of all. I long for a pain free day. It has been a while since that existed. It has gone from a minor irritant before this last DVT, to a daily chronic problem that I seriously have problems dealing with. I do not want to be a pain pill addict. I do not want to learn to live with chronic pain. I want to learn to live again, without pain and without the fat that is holding me back!
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New day

I am in a pretty good mood right now. Have to admit I am one of those emotional rollercoaster types. Not that I am into drama or anything, I just feel things strongly. ( and often wear my emotions on my "sleeve"...LOL) You know it is bad when you shed tears watching really crazy things on tv and your four year old scolds you.."Mommy, you need to do something about all the crying". Hey, mommy is hormonal and emotional and changing her entire relationship with food after 43 years. I am entitled to a little random crying now and then. But I am getting away from the reason I am blogging today. As I have said several times I decided to start eating a diet similar to post surgery. Very high in protein, low in fat, calories and carbs. My thought process was I needed to make eating like this habit now, to make it easier on me later. I will be dealing with enough at that time, why compound it with trying to change everything I have ever done at the same time? So, as of August 1st I took on the challenge of changing my brain and how I relate to food. It has been hard at times, but not as bad as I had imagined. I guess the fact I am very focused on where I need to go makes it a little easier. IDK. Anyway, I work in a manufacturing plant and we have industrial scales used to weigh rolls of paper before shipping. They are calibrated often so I feel they are fairly accurate. I was unable to get on them August 1st because there were just too many guys around in the plant to do so. ( I am NOT ready to weigh in with an audience) So on August 2nd I was able to sneak on them with no one looking. I weighed 316lbs., which is my all time (non-pregnant) high weight. It is also the weight I had been when weighing at my doctor's, so again I feel it accurate. Well today was the first time I have been able to get on them again with no one around. I hopped on and it said 303lbs! I did a double take.. I have lost 13 lbs in 20 days!!! Whoop whoop. I am excited because I know it is getting my body to where it needs to be for an easier surgery and recovery. Of course I have already heard from a few people "well at that rate you won't need surgery". I just shake my head at their ignorance...LOL We all who have come to WLS know that is such a misconception. All this weight loss shows is just how fat I have become and how badly I have been eating. This 13lbs is a drop in the proverbial bucket. Yet I am excited that I can see I am doing the right thing. I see I can do this. I see a light at the end of my tunnel. I have hope.
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My BFF

One of my oldest and dearest friends had VSG surgery on 12/17/13. He has been doing absolutely fabulous. In fact, I am a little jealous at his success because he has trounced me in weight loss. ( He started his pre op diet 12/3 and since that date he has lost 85lbs. I started dieting on my own 8/1 and total, including post op weight loss since 10/21 surgery date, I have lost 75lbs) Ok, granted he is male. And he had a lot more weight to lose. But I have to admit I am jealous as all can be too. I know I should not be. And when we speak I do not mention my stupid, irrational feelings. Yet there is one issue that has me absolutely baffled and even more upset. I am two months ahead of him. I was a guide (of sorts) to him early on. I would share my experiences and thoughts with him as he prepared to journey through things I recently had. But since his surgery we have very little contact. I keep track of him through his weekly Youtube blogs. I can't understand what happened. We had planned to be there and support each other as we did this. We had discussed sharing food as neither of us could eat much, didn't want weeks worth of leftovers, yet wanted to create new recipes for our new lifestyles. I bought him a Yonana machine for his birthday last August, preparing for his coming surgery. In the two months between my surgery and his something happened, but what it was I don't know. Shortly after I had my surgery he sort of disappeared. I was not hearing from him and would have to reach out to him several times before we would actually connect. When he was struggling through the early stages of his pre op diet I tried to be as supportive as I could. I encouraged him and did all I could to be the friend he needed. Then he had his surgery. After that he shut down, at least towards me. During his recovery he was too tired or not feeling well and didn't want to chat. As he healed he continued the distance. He speaks about reconnecting with all his old friends on his video blogs, yet I am being left behind. I am not sure what the reason is. Maybe it is because I am his former fat friend, from his former fat life. Maybe he feels our friendship is toxic for his newfound healthier lifestyle. Yet I have changed too, I am not the fat friend I once was. I am the friend who has been there through many major life events with him. I held his had at his dad's funeral. I held his hand as he went through a fight with cancer. ( and came out of completely in remission) I accepted and supported him when he came out, even as he struggled with his family to accept. We have been through thick and thin together, literally. Yet now, when we were both at a place where support is critical and we are both on the same page....He has gone. Maybe I was expecting too much from him, I don't know. All I know is it really hurts me deeply that he is wanting to move on with his life so entirely while our friendship is being pushed aside. I truly thought both of us having the sleeve surgery would only ingrain our long time friendship that much deeper, but it appears I was wrong. Watching him from the sidelines is becoming hard to do. How do I celebrate my friend's success when it has meant our friendship is suffering?
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Momentive....is ....slowing....down

My momentive is slowing down. Does that mean I throw in the towel and forget it? Nope. But I will admit I am having a little problem staying on track. I have lost 13lbs on my self imposed pre surgery diet. I am already practicing for life after surgery. It has been pretty easy for the most part, but I have had a little bit of backsliding. I am not talking chocolate cake and pizza kind of backsliding. But I have overindulged in some of my "healthy" choices. Too much cheese, too many protein bars. Today I had an errand to run at lunch. I had already come into work late, so I needed to grab something quick. Taco Bell ( not normally a choice for ANYTHING healthy) had the protein bowls/ burritos this summer. The chicken bowl is pretty low calorie and good protein. I would even allow myself a "cheat" of guacamole & chips with it. Well I get into the drive thru ( this one is designed that once you enter you cannot exit) and low and behold the protein items are gone! Ugh!!! I went with the cantina bell menu as a back up option and got the chicken bowl. But I really wanted the guacamole and chips, so I got the combo. MISTAKE. First off they screwed up the order and I ended up with a side of guac and a side of salsa- plus TWO bags of chips. Then my bowl just was NOT what I wanted. I realized the Cantina bowl is very similar to the protein bowl, just bigger and loaded with white rice. I should have never ate the chips, but I ended up eating most of them with the guacamole. Then I started to eat the bowl. After about a third of it I realized I was full. A guess a small victory in the fact I stopped eating it. In the past I would have ate every bite because I paid for it! But today it was just not what I wanted and I was able to easily stop eating when I was full. ( side note- I realized after the fact I had ate more than "just full" as I sit here with a rock in my stomach) I debated whether to keep the rest and eat later but decided to just pitch it. Why eat something that was not what I had intended in the first place? So now my quick food options (pre op) are even further limited. My other issue is with eating fast/drinking with meals. I know both of these things will have to be changed once I have surgery. I really, really need to practice both now to get into the groove. Yet I keep putting it off. I can eat sometimes w/o drinking. But not all meals. And I still eat way too fast and too large of bites. I need to get used to chewing my food to oblivion and pausing between bites. Otherwise I will have a very rude awakening if I forget to do this post op! I guess my biggest problem right now is time. Having to wait to get to the next step in my journey. Knowing that I will worry until I hear my insurance has approved me for surgery. Not knowing if I will be able to get the surgery when I hoped. ( original goal was October) Just a lot of variables that are out of my control. I won't go as far as say I am a control freak, but I do feel better when I can create my destiny. ( at least in something as life changing as this) I just want to get there. I want to be past the "scary" parts and get to living the life I dream of....
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Mind reset

If you have been reading my story though my blogs you know I have only been on my journey a short amount of time. Well, to be honest I have lived the heavy part for many years now. But the road to healthy weight has only been traveled in earnest since June. That was when I set my mind on changing my life and my body. I started making calls and doing research, the first call was to see if my insurance even covered the surgery. Once I started I have gone full steam ahead. I talked with my PCP and got a referral. I went to a seminar, scheduled a consult. I got clearance from my vascular doctor and hematologist even before meeting the surgeon the first time. I scheduled my psych evaluation and my nutritional counseling the same week, Heck, I even had my pap test done for good measure. All hurdles have been cleared. I have checked things off the list one by one. There is just one more thing I must do before the paperwork is submitted to my insurance. My surgeon wants me to have a pulmonary evaluation because I have had two separate events of pulmonary embolism, the last being this past May. I am not concerned there is any problem with my lungs, it is just a precaution. They referred me to a pulmonologist and I called to schedule an appointment, and that is when the brakes were slammed on for me. I cannot get in for even the initial consultation until Sept.9th. Any tests they want will be scheduled after that. Four weeks. Four weeks of nothing. With everything else going so quickly and easily this was certainly an abrupt slow down. I have been really hoping to have the surgery in October. With work and the holidays etc. that would be the best time for me. It was looking pretty good for me to achieve that before this. Given it is my last hurdle to clear before the paperwork is submitted to my insurance, it is possible I may still make my October wish date. It will all depend on 1)how quickly I can get the pulmonary clearance 2) how quickly insurance responds - and if favorably and 3) my surgeons schedule. I am motivated by so many factors to get the surgery soon. Of course there is the number one factor, my health. The sooner I have surgery the sooner I will get to the healthy weight I have been dreaming of. (and the sooner my body can get relief from all the weight related issues I have) Second is financial. Since I had the issue with the blood clot (DVT) and the embolism earlier this year, I have met my financial insurance obligations for 2013. If I can get the surgery this year it will be at little to no cost for me, which is a huge plus. And of course timing...The holidays are right around the corner. My birthday is Oct.17. Then there is Halloween, followed a few days later by my daughter's birthday. Three weeks later is Thanksgiving and then Christmas. I want to be physically healed before everything starts kicking into gear. And my work is supposed to have a new computer system go live on 12/1. My boss wants me at work during the process. So I cannot be off for surgery and recovery in December. Needless to say I felt a bit of stress over the situation. I was a bit down and depressed when I realized how close things are being cut. I admit I went off the rails a little. I have been getting used to a diet high in protein and low in fats/calories/carbs since the beginning of August. In 19 days I have lost 13lbs. Friday I took my daughter out and I ordered food I should not have. All that did was make me more depressed Saturday. So I got myself back together and got back on track. It didn't really make a dent on the scale, but it did effect me emotionally. So I am hitting the reset button. I am going to start back to the Y this week to get in pool time. I also want to start walking more. And my hand weights I ordered should be delivered soon. All these things were stressed by the sports physiologist and I plan to make good. So I am getting back on track. I will use this extra time I have to get myself in the best possible pre op shape I can be. That way, hopefully I will have a smooth surgery and recovery when I do get there...
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Mad at the world....

I woke up today in such a bad mood. I have no idea why but I am super cranky. No good reason to be really. In fact, I should be pretty happy. I have hope for my future, something I haven't had in a long time. Yet my mood is crummy. Before I went to bed last night I started my new journal. Maybe the feelings I was writing about churned up and caused my poopy mood. Or maybe it is a stage, part of the process. When someone dies there are stages of grief. While this process is not to be compared with someone dying, it is almost as dramatic and life changing. Maybe part of letting go of my old life and way of thinking is going to cause all kinds of mixed emotions. I guess this is what we cover in the psych evaluation, I'm getting ahead of myself! LOL I will say the longer the morning goes the more I feel the emotions leveling out. Crazy head playing games with me. I do sort of feel today truly starts my new journey, my new life. I am committing myself over to change, what has to be. I cleaned my kitchen shelves and fridge last night in preparation. Sort of symbolic I supposed, a cleansing to get rid of the old and bad ways. I tossed or gave away foods I would not or could not eat in my new life. My struggle will be my daughter. She is only four and is very fit and healthy. I have worked hard to make sure she maintains a good weight so that she doesn't have to struggle as I do. While eating healthy will benefit her, I cannot deprive her of every last thing she enjoys just so I am not tempted. It is going to be a fine line. Anyway, my new (forever) way of eating starts today. I did the whole "before" pictures this morning.. Have to say- YUCK! I think it will be a bit easier post op to eat this way as I will physically not be able to eat much. If I fill the space with what I have to, then there won't be room for junk. Right now there is WAY too much room and I know it will become difficult. But I can and will do this. No other options, no backing out. My body is near a breaking point and I have to change now. I have been having a great deal of pain in my leg the past week. Last night it was so horrible I could barely walk. I am crippling myself with all this fat and I cannot do that anymore. So time to have a good cry, yell into a pillow, then put on my big girl pants and suck it up!!!!
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Little victory

I wrote last week how I was changing how I eat now, to get used to what will be my new eating habits for the rest of my life. I have cut back calories, fat and carbs. I have limited any kind of sugar and little to no breads or dairy. I have increased my protein intake drastically with lean meats and soy products. I just made the change on August 1st, so I haven't been doing it even a week yet. Saturday was a true test. I had been invited to a birthday party at a restaurant weeks ago. I had three options; not go, go and eat whatever I wanted, ( because I have just started this new "diet" and it was my discretion) or go and maintain myself. I chose the latter option. Before I went I had gone online and searched nutritional information on their website. I found an item that, while still rather high in calories and fat for my normal consumption, was the lowest available on their menu. When I went to the party I made sure to avoid the bread basket brought with drinks. ( which was HARD) I ordered water to drink. ( I have yet to switch over to eating without drinking, that will be hard for me) And I ordered the item I had found. For my side item I got a salad with light dressing. Rather than dumping the dressing on the salad I dipped bites in. I used less than half the cup of dressing this way, and I know it saved calories. When my dinner came it was actually very yummy. I concentrated mostly on the protein, eating about 2/3rds of it. I did eat some of the pasta that came with it, but it was less than half. I stopped eating when I was full, and I did not bring the leftovers home! ( because I didn't need to consume the rest of the fat/calories) I did eat a few bites of the birthday cake. It was soooo good. But I savored the few small bites I had and left the majority of the slice on the plate. After dinner we went and played Adventure Golf where I sweated my butt off!! The course is built like you are going up a mountain, so there were a ton of stairs.. It was hard and my legs REALLY did not want to do it, but I played through the whole course. Yesterday I paid for it physically, but I am glad I did it. Today I had my gyno doctor appointment. When I was weighed I was 307lbs!!!!! Last time I was weighed I was 316lbs!!! Granted it was different scales so there could be some difference. But I know there is not a 9 lb difference. So what I am doing is working!!! I am so stoked... Anyone who has never had weight issues would probably think "well she can lose the weight, so why get surgery?" As anyone who has been in our shoes, and struggled to the point we turn to this surgery would know - when you are this fat it is easy to drop a few quick pounds. What is not easy is to lose all we need to be healthy and to be able to keep what we lose off.. So I am thrilled I am making a difference now, pre op. It will just make things easier down the road I truly believe!!!
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It's REAL!

I have it! I have my approval. God was looking out for me and knew I would have a hard time waiting to hear. I called Anthem BC today to verify that the paperwork was indeed submitted, and much to my surprise I was told it was submitted AND approved 9/25! It's a small miracle that I received same day approval because I would have been a basket case waiting! LOL She said I am approved for a 1 day stay from 10/21-10/22. My first question was " this is a two day thing, but only approved one day?" She said it is standard to just submit for one day, then they will add the additional day at the time. Then my wheels turned a little further and thought about the date. I asked her how that day was chosen and she said it was the date my surgeon applied for. So being the ever brilliant detective I am (I say laughing) I deduced that is my surgery date - 10/21. Apparently they have it as a tentative schedule when submitting for approval, but do not tell us until after they have the approval. So I am one up on my surgeon- I know my date! LOL I am a mixture of emotions, which I expected. What I am sort of surprised about is that I am strangely calm too. I am really so very thankful that this is happening. I would have been devastated to get anything but an approval. And the way it has all worked out....Well all I can say is a higher power certainly had to have a hand in it. The date is exactly as I hoped, four days after my birthday. So October will forever be my birthday, and my rebirth day!!! I should be feeling pretty good ( knock wood ) by my daughter's birthday on 11/3, and should be back to my (new) normal by the holidays. I also reap the benefit of having already met my cap out of pocket amount for the year through insurance ( thanks DVT and PE) so this should cost me next to nothing! I am truly, truly happy and thankful and excited. I realize there will be rough patches ahead and will deal with them as they come. But right now I am on cloud nine and will save this feeling for those times...
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Insurance run around...Take 2

I was told by my insurance that there was no "medically supervised diet" requirement on my plan, yet my bariatric doctor was told BY MY INSURANCE there is a six month requirement!!! I just got off the phone with my insurer and was told once again it is not required. But when I made my appointment with the NUT she informed me the office said I had one. ( and she verified it while I was on the phone with her) I wish people would get their darn facts STRAIGHT!!! On the bright side I did see my PCP back in March to start my "medically supervised diet" that my old insurance plan required. So I am almost at the six month mark anyway.....Grrrr
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Insurance run around

If you cannot tell by now, I use this blog as a way to vent, blow off steam, get things off my chest or to just share my story in general. Well today it is to vent. I have spent the past two days getting the run around trying to get the insurance thing settled, and I haven't even went to my consultation yet!!! Geesh! Ok, let me backtrack a bit. Early in the year I started thinking about WLS and I contacted my then insurance provider to get all the information about coverage. At that time I had to do 12 consecutive months of medically supervised diet /exercise before I would be considered. I started that in March. I went to see my GP to document it. I joined the YMCA to use their pool for exercise. ( as water therapy is my best bet at this time with the weight/ arthritis) Then my leg issues flared up and I was unable to continue. During the time I was dealing with my leg my employer switched insurance providers. As of June 1st I have been on Anthem Blue Cross. So when I got past the hospitals and bed rest and returned to life, I started thinking strongly about the surgery again. ( Given a poor prognosis on my leg with few treatment options, weight loss is one of the few positive things I can do for it.) So I contacted my new insurance carrier to find out IF our plan covered WLS and what the requirements were for it. My company actually added bariatric surgery as a benefit. ( the original Blue Cross package plan did not cover ) When I was quoted the qualifications I was sure to find out about any mandatory time frame of supervised diet, which to my surprise there was not. All I have to do is provide a list of things I have tried and the results. ( Seems obvious to me the results but...lol) Once I had this information I proceeded to get a referral to a bariatric doctor from my GP, went to the mandatory seminar and just started to get my ducks in a row in general. Then Friday I get a message there is a problem with my insurance. I found out yesterday that , when Dayton Bariatrics contacted Anthem about my coverage, they were told my policy excluded WLS. What happened was whoever took the call only looked at the basic policy, they did not check out the non standard benefits clause. So I made a call to my insurance to get it squared away, then called back the doctor's office to let them know. Last night I found a message on my VM saying that the claims rep for the practice was extremely back logged and did not have time to call my insurance back. Therefore they asked ME to get a statement from Anthem saying that WLS was covered for me, and a list of their requirements for approval. Really??? I have to say this left me feeling a little bewildered. Seems like that is not my place to do this, that the office should handle it. But maybe I am being over sensitive. Anyway, I called my provider back today to make the request. I had to sit on hold upwards of 10 minutes as she collected the information. Then the customer service rep comes back on the line to say she cannot find the requirements list, but can verify I am covered. What the heck???? When I had called before the girl had no problem finding and listing the requirements for me. So the rep puts me back on hold as she calls the doctor's office to verify to them I am covered. Another 5-10 minutes pass and she gets back on the line to say the office still needs the requirement listing, but she will have to search for it. She didn't want me to have to be on hold any longer, but she assured me she would get that information over to them today. Now being somewhat pessimistic I have a feeling this is NOT the last time I will be hearing about this!!!! I rather expect she will not provide said list and I will have to jump through hoops yet again. It is a good thing I am a strong believer that this is what I need to do, because this run around would be enough to put anyone off!
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If I knew you were coming...I'd bake a cake!

Yes, it is a complete oxy moron that a person who is in the process of getting approved for a sleeve is baking cake. But that is what I am doing. A good friend and co-worker is getting married soon and we are throwing her a shower at work. I was asked ( rather nominated) to make the cake for it. I am pretty well known for my baking skills. (Yep- another stereotype. A fat baker!) I heard through the grapevine she is not having an actual wedding cake at her wedding, so I decided to go all out and make her one. I am also completely insane and have a masochistic side! LOL What the HECK was I thinking? And this ain't gonna be your average thrown together, out of a box cake either. Nope. It will be three tiers, all double layer. The bottom will be devil's food with butterscotch caramel filling, the second layer is marble with chocolate ganache and the top will be white with raspberry filling. And if I wasn't already a glutton for punishment I am making my own homemade buttercream icing for it and decorating it with fall leaves I am making by hand out of gum paste! Really? REALLY?? And here is the kicker....I have NO formal training whatsoever. I just got a burr up my butt that I could do this. I jumped on the internet for ideas and it snowballed. This is also a loooong process. Last night I spent 5 1/2 hours baking the bottom layer of cake (2-14" cakes) and making the gum paste. Then I rolled it, cut out the leaves and started to paint them. Had to stop as they were still too tacky. So today at lunch I went home and painted a few. Tonight I am going to make the other two layers of cake ( 2- 12" and 2 -8") paint the leaves, and crumb coat the first layer. ( after I make a batch of icing) This is all after working an 8 hour day, and I also have to entertain a 4 year old! Tomorrow I will finish icing and decorate the whole thing for it to be ready for Friday. If I did this for a living it would be ok. It is kind of fun to be creative and make something. But to work a full time job, take care of a preschooler AND do this on the side.....well it isn't as much fun as I had thought. Yet here is the weird part. With all the cake and sugar and smells around me last night I had to make myself stop and eat something! I get so focused on getting done I don't want to eat. And once I stopped for the night I was so tired I didn't care about food. So maybe baking IS the key to weight loss...Hmmm
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I'M SO EXCITED!....

...and I just can't hide it! Just spoke with my surgeon's office. All of my paperwork and clearances have been received and she will be submitting it all to my insurance TOMORROW for approval!! The girl who does it is actually pretty cool and we have chatted a few times, so I don't think she is blowing smoke up my butt. She knows I am very excited so I hope she does follow through...Now I pray ( and yes- stress) for a quick approval. My fear and nerves may start to take over, so I just need to stay focused and positive. If I am this excited about this, imagine how I will be when I get approval!!!! I probably better bring a spare pair of pants with me to work for a while, I may need them!!! LMAO The timing could not be any better. I have been seriously struggling lately. I lost some of my momentum. Like everyone who struggles with weight I have been plagued with doubts and self sabotage. My will power has been turning to "won't" power. I have lost 20lbs since 8/1 and I am very happy and proud about that. But, without the surgery, I don't see much more coming off. I need the restriction. I need that extra "umphf" to get me past my head. I need the surgery. I am just so very, very happy my journey is moving in the right direction!!!
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Hurtin' for Certain

Today is a bad day physically. My right leg is in a great deal of pain. My knee feels like it has an extremely tight band wrapped around it. I can barely bend it and walking is very difficult. And my calf is radiating pain down to my foot. ( vascular) Yesterday I felt pretty good overall and I was able to go grocery shopping. I spent extra time looking at things and reading labels, which kept me on my feet longer. So needless to say I am paying for it today. I do not fathom how people live with chronic pain for years. While my knee has been pretty bad for a few years now, it was manageable. I could stay off my leg, ice or apply heat and take meds to keep the pain down. But since I can no longer take my anti inflammatory medication ( due to taking warfarin) the pressure and pain has gotten out of control. And add to that my new pain from vascular swelling...It is more than I can take almost. I am at the end of my rope so to speak. If I do not get this weight off and get some relief I could very easily end up much worse off. I would either become a pill popper with pain meds ( I can take those, just not the stuff that will actually HELP my leg!) or a cripple. Neither is an option as a single parent of a four year old. That is my main reason for turning to bariatric surgery. I need it. I have so much empathy for those who have pain that there is no cure or treatment for. Losing weight won't "cure" me, but I have no doubt it will vastly improve my situation. On the plus side, I have been making changes I need to for success in my future. Yesterday I started eating a lot less, making sure it was full of protein while low in fat, calories and carbs. This is how life will be post op, so might as well get used to it now. And any weight loss I achieve from changing now is just a step closer to where I need to be!
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Hello old friend

Wow. I cannot believe I haven't blogged since surgery! I will blame it in the problems incurred from the switch over from the old site to new, but the truth is I have had a lot of emotions that have blocked me. I truly and honestly thought I was 100% ready and motivated for this surgery. Early out I held in there so well, being super careful to follow the plan to the letter. Heck I even had a lot of restriction early on, almost too much. But then it all changed. One day I realized I didn't feel the restriction I once had. I could eat more. I assume I healed and swelling went down and this is what I have, my new stomach. But I liked the post op one better, then one that couldn't hold as much. This one gets hungry. Hunger still feels the same post op, it just doesn't take the same amount of food to make hunger go away. I have learned the difference between what I feel like eating protein dense food, and what it feels like to eat junk. I wasn't going to be the person to mess back with junk, no not me!! Until the day I put that first bite of whatever it was in my mouth. My stomach didn't complain. I tolerated it. Flood gates opened back up. No, I haven't binged on a daily basis since I had my first slider food. But I have had entirely too many sliders since that occurred. It is only by the grace of God I have continued to lose weight, although slowly. To date I have lost 42 lbs in four months post op. I am just not one who posts the big numbers, for whatever reason. Maybe because I had lost a bit pre op, on my own diet. ( 33 lbs) Maybe I am just a slow loser. Or maybe , and yes I realize this is more likely than not, maybe it is because of my lack of conviction of late. Not only have I taken a walk on the slider side, I am also guilty of Couch Potato-itis. I have all kinds of ideas, plans to get up and get moving. But the end of the day I am not up, I am home sitting. I can blame it on a thousand different things.. I am a single mom (it is hard to make time with a 5yr old) I work 40+ hrs a week, I have other stuff to do etc. But the bottom line is I haven't done it. I need to exercise. At least part of me wants to. Yet I am a big lazy blob once the work day is over and I go home, take care of the dogs, and make supper. Weekends are only slightly better. At least one of the two days I spend hours running up and down stairs doing housework and laundry. The other day may or may not consist of watching tv. Occasionally we go do something...something. It has been a rather cruddy winter so I am ready to go outside and DO something, so is my daughter. There is a lot of outdoor activities I want to do this year as I have been unable to do them in years past with my weight, things I want to do with my daughter. But I also sort of worry I will cop out of that too, as I have done with each and every other thing I had planned to get myself moving. I just do no know what has caused this "ugh" factor in me. I was so darn pumped to get this surgery. I was so darn excited to lose the weight finally. Is it because I was have fantasies of returning to an "old" version of me? One that last hit one-derland in my twenties? I haven't been twenty in over twenty years, I can't go back! And let's not start on the toll the weight took on my body. I haven't been at my current weight in at least the past 17 years, but it is hard to enjoy it as much because of how bad I look. The decade of obesity has stretched the skin past its rebound point. I have rolls, just more deflated. My double chin is mostly gone but in its place are deep ridges no amount of facial exercise and firming cream is going to fix I fear. And my hair is....gone. As I have said many times over my situation is unique with other factors contributing to my hair loss. But dang....it is harder than I thought. I hate having to wear a wig, even if it does look good. And when the wig is off I absolutely cannot stand to see what is left. I look horrible. I look sick. It is so hard to stand and look at myself and enjoy what is happening (losing weight) when I cannot stand to look at my true self. Maybe that is why I stopped blogging. I am depressed. I am so hurt by what I allowed myself to become and now what it has done to my body. I can't go back, only forward. I still want to get the weight off. I want to reach goal, but I admit I am very scared. If I am so unhappy now (with my body) what will I feel when there is nothing left but sagging skin, wrinkles, a bald head and smaller clothes? Maybe some of my slider sabotage has been to stall that from coming. Maybe I am afraid I won't be happy when I am at goal, and then what? I have a lot to deal with, but then again who doesn't? I am going to try to blog more and hope I can talk my way through all of it. Sometimes just getting it out can be a first step. ( I hope)
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Happiness and a sinus infection

Tuesday was a big day for me. In fact, it could be life changing. I met with the surgeon. It was great. He said I am a great candidate for the sleeve and that I should do awesome with it. Our consultation went as smoothly as can be. The few areas of concern I had were quickly put to rest. I was worried about having the DVT/PE this year and being on warfarin. But that will be handled and they aren't very worried about it. My other concern was time off work. I have already missed the better part of two 1/2 months work this year due to my DVT/PE. Even though my boss is on board with me for the WLS and believes this is best for me, I do not want to be off for weeks on end. That might be pushing it. The surgeon said that as long as I am healing well, there are no complications, and I am tolerating any pain or discomfort without being a zombie on pain meds he will release me to come back to work after a week. While I intend to take it easy at home and rest as much as possible, my job is really no physical stress. I sit on my butt at a computer all day. I don't want to make the work Gods mad, so I will be a good little loyal employee and do what I can to be here. So resolving those two issues was about all I had worried about. It sounded to me that the process will go fairly quickly from here. ( from what the surgeon said) My psych evaluation is next Tuesday. I am waiting to hear from the hospital to schedule my nutritional counseling. And he said I "might" need a pulmonary test to check out my lungs since I had the two PEs, but he isn't really worried that there is a problem. ( he will consult with the anesthesiologist to see what the say) Other than that he said everything was in order, so my footwork before hand has paid off! LOL The only bad news of the day was from my hematologist. Seems that he wants my INR level higher, so he is going to request they increase my warfarin dosage. I already have some undesirable side effects from the medicine, so I can only imagine those will get worse. Of course there is the easy bruising/ easy bleeding aspect. I also have been having weird skin issues. Random bumps and spots appearing, then disappearing. Some are boil like and get sore and end up draining. But the thing that is most disturbing to me has been increased hair loss. When I was in my mid 20s I lost a good deal of my head hair due to PCOS. Then after my pregnancy, when my hair had actually thickened in due to hormones, the eventual fall out made things worse than they had been before. I have been using Toppix hair fibers for a few years now to help hide the extreme thinning. Without it I look very much like someone who has been on chemo. Since I have been using the warfarin again the thinning has increased. It is getting harder and harder to cover the bald areas. I can only assume when my dosage of warfarin is increased the thinning will increase too. And of course I already have read all about hair loss after WLS. So....I made another pretty big decision. To be honest it was fairly easy to make, given what I have to work with. I purchased a wig. I did it over the internet (not a lot of wig shops around to go into) so I am praying it looks realistic. I know what is coming and I might as well be ready for it. I am not someone who will be able to embrace the whole "bald is beautiful" thing, even though I do applaud those who pull it off with style and grace. Nope, I'm a hair girl. So I am just hoping I can find something that will help me feel confident in the next phase of my life... And now to the sinus infection. After all my great news Tuesday I started to feel puney. By the time the work day was over I knew I was a sick chick. That night was miserable, congestion and a runny nose. When I woke up yesterday I had the WORST facial pain from a sinus infection I have ever had. Finally got to see a doctor in the evening. Finding a medicine I can take that won't interact with the warfarin and that I am not allergic to was tricky. In fact, I actually threw up this morning after taking it. ( of course I might not have ate enough beforehand and caused that) So all my elation over Tuesday was tempered by feeling crappy. Amazing how fast it came on too. Zero to crap-tastic in no time at all!
Roo101769

Roo101769

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Friend

One of my oldest and dearest friends has had a struggle with weight as much as I have. He and I have dieted together, joined a gym together and have spent years going up and down in weight. In fact, we are so much in sync that one year for Christmas we gave each other the EXACT SAME GIFT! We had both been down on ourselves for being heavy and had discussed trying yet another weight loss attempt. So when Christmas came around we both wanted to motivate the other. We had a photo of ourselves taken when we were both close to our ideal weights. We were probably around 21 or 22 and it was one of our mutual "skinny" periods. In our attempts to motivate,we both had the same photo enlarged and framed for the other person! It caused us to laugh so hard we must have lost a pound or two over just that..LOL Anyway, as the years have gone on we are not in touch as much as I wish we could be. He has his life with his partner, they own an apartment building together plus he works long hours at his day job. I am busy with the life of a single mom; working full time, taking care of a home and raising my daughter. While we no longer have as much in common, we still have a deep love of friendship for one another. So when I decided I knew what path I was taking I called him up to talk about it. He had long been my weight loss ( and sadly gain) buddy and I wanted to share with him. Actually I spoke with him early in the year about it, back in March when I first was thinking about it. At that time he said he was trying Weight Watchers again, but if he failed (again) he would seriously consider surgery. When I called him a few weeks ago to say I was determined to do this, I could hear such depression in his voice. He had failed again and was very upset over it. His mother and his partner both are against him having the surgery, which makes it tough on him. But I have been in his shoes, so to speak, so I have much greater insight on how he feels than they do. I told him I understood their concern, but sometimes you just have to take control to be able to live the life you deserve. Anyway, he and I left the conversation at me promising to stay in touch and him wanting to hear how things proceed. When I went to my seminar a couple weeks after I had posted it on Facebook. He saw it and contacted me. Apparently he too had attended a seminar at another hospital the VERY SAME DAY! His mom and partner went with him and asked all kinds of questions. His mom is now more on board, but his partner is still afraid. But I am so happy he has decided to pursue this, I KNOW it will make his life and health so much better. And here is the kicker...Before, when he had looked into bariatric surgery, he had decided on the Roux-n-Y. But now, after our conversation about it, he is now wanting to get the sleeve! So God willing ( and I pray with all my heart and soul he is) my dear friend and I will travel down one last weight loss path together, then spend the rest of our lives and friendship supporting each other to remain healthy!!!
Roo101769

Roo101769

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Doing their job

Sometimes it feels like I am doing the job of the office workers in my doctor's office! I realize that I am the one who wants this surgery. I am the one who wants things to move along as quickly as they can so that I can get to the place I need and want to be at. Yes, I am impatient. But I seriously wonder sometimes what would happen if I left things to happen when they happened. ( I would probably not like that answer) Take for example today. I have posted before that I have had a 4 week space where nothing has happened because I had to wait to get into a pulmonologist for clearance. It has been the LONGEST four weeks of my life in many ways. I feel like time has dragged by. I have wanted to do something to move this process along, but all I could do was wait. Well next Monday is the long awaited appointment. Even then it isn't "it", as this is only a consultation. Any tests will have to be scheduled and performed at a later time. ( Yes- I am going to push to try to get them scheduled next week) I decided that I would call my bariatric doctor's office to see where things stood on everything else. Basically find out if anything else needed done, was there any other clearance or paperwork I needed to have. First thing mentioned was my diet. This has gone round and round...It was once mistakenly said that I needed a 6 mos. diet before authorization. Well that information was incorrect. My insurance did clear it up with the lady in my surgeon's claims office, but apparently in is still notated in my chart somewhere. So once we got past that she said they still had not received my PCP letter of recommendation or last 2 years medical records. I was a little surprised. I saw my PCP on 8/28 for a check up on my leg. While I was there he asked if I had a surgery date scheduled yet. I said no, because of the pulmonary check. I also commented that was my last clearance, and that I hoped all my records and his letter had already been sent. Obviously the doctor has no idea what his staff does because he seemed like he was looking forward to me having this surgery too. ( in a weird way) Anyway, I called my PCPs office after speaking with the surgeon's office and left a message that they never got the records and letter. A few hours later the lady in the records office of my PCP called me back and said she had never received the request for the records or letter from Dayton Bariatrics!!! WTF?????She was very apologetic and said she would gladly send them over just as soon as she got the request and release I had signed and turned in back on 8/6. She even gave me her fax number so they could fax the request over and not have to wait for it to be mailed. I then called back the surgeon's office and relayed the information. She said she would get right on sending it over... So Wow. It is a good darn thing I am being so anal about this because who KNOWS what delays I might face if I didn't stay on top of it. I can only imagine now what I will probably go through once everything is ready to submit to my insurance. I would probably feel better if I could just do it myself!! LOL I know from all I have read on here that I am hardly the first person to go through this. I also know I am not the only patient any of my doctor's have in their practice. But if I did not stay on top of everything I am responsible for in my job, well I probably wouldn't have it for long. Oh well, lesson learned. I know what I have to do to get where I want to be.
Roo101769

Roo101769

2
 

Consult

I attended the seminar last night and have to say it was not new information. I like to be well informed on a subject, and I have done extensive research into sleeve gastrectomy. There were only a couple of things that came as any type of surprise to me. First was the fact that the sleeve is being strongly promoted now. In fact, they were pretty much discouraging lap band type surgery and pushing either the sleeve or Roux-n-Y bypass. They said, in their practice for the past year, they have probably done 45 revision surgeries for lap bands ( or removal) and only 5 insertions. I was also a little thrown off by their time frame for things. I realize that every doctor and every practice will be different. But this practice requires a two day stay in hospital after vertical sleeve surgery, yet said they typically release people back to work and their normal lives in a week post op. He did say that, if someone had the availability of taking two or three weeks to recover, they would prefer the longer time. But realistically people need to get back to their lives and, as long as you are healing and the pain tolerance is ok, they get you back as soon as they can. On a personal note my concern over my repeated clots being a factor to exclude me from surgery was pretty much eliminated. He said they control that with anticoagulants, which I already take. So all in all I think I am on the road to being "reborn" and the chance of really getting to LIVE the rest of my life! My consult is scheduled for 8/6 at 12:30pm. It was kind of funny really, when it came time to schedule the consultations. The seminar had been presented by Dr. Fleisher. I call him the "face" of the practice. He is quite a bit younger than Dr. Bruce, and is not bad to look at. If you go online and look at the website for Dayton Bariatrics you see Dr. Fleisher, not Dr. Bruce. So as everyone lined up to schedule their appointments, the sheet for Dr. Fleisher filled quickly, while the sheet for Dr. Bruce remained fairly clear. Good for me because I got his second available consultation time!. Dr. Bruce is who my GP referred me to. I have read his credentials and he is one of the best in the area. In fact, he is head of bariatrics for two of the main hospitals here. ( One being where they do the surgeries) I am pretty confident he will be an excellent doctor for me, even if he has a few more miles on him than his younger counterpart....LOL
Roo101769

Roo101769

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