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What is This Thing Called Pride?

An amazing thing is happening. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say, "I don't give a s h i t what other people think." Perhaps it's because I'm another year older today, and on birthdays one is wont to take stock. Perhaps it's because I am feeling the empowerment than accompanies true change. Perhaps it's because I'm finally realizing I have people in my life who love me unconditionally, or that I now know I am deserving of that love. Perhaps it is all of these. What I do know is I've said that phrase many times before, at times very convincingly, but I never meant it. I wanted to mean it, others even believed that I meant it because I come across as irreverent and impossible to embarrass, but there was always a motivational undercurrent of wanting to be liked.   The following is a list of notions I've recently come to accept as valid. Some are mere reminders to myself, some are rants, some are missives directed at specific people on this site. All are liberating:   I am not required to tell anyone about my decision to have weight loss surgery. Should I choose to do so, I have no obligation to explain or defend my decision.   I am justified in flipping off another driver when the egotistical delusions acquired from watching "The Fast and the Furious" momentarily override his cognizance of the fact that he is operating a deadly weapon.   I may express my offense when someone implies I should be ashamed of the way I look, or used to look.   I am permitted to be impolite, even rude, to a man whose words or actions are causing me to feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I am allowed to inflict physical harm if his clear intention is to harm me.   I am free to voice my belief that it is not all right for people posting in the general forum to attribute their weight loss to a higher power. If I attributed mine to Obama or the recent supreme court ruling on gay marriage, and put that post in a general discussion forum, I would be criticized. And rightfully so.   I have a right to discuss the increase in my libido on an internet forum, as well as the conundrum I'm faced with as a single teacher in a small town, without being accused of advertising for sex. And should someone attempt to shame me out of talking about sex, I have a right to stand firm in my refusal to be shamed.   I am allowed to call people out for misusing this and other support sites; for not following the rules, which have been clearly laid out; and I am allowed to do so without being subjected to ridicule and insult.   I am not required to dumb myself down because others are intimidated by my intelligence. I also am allowed to state that others are intimidated by my intelligence without apologizing or prefacing such a remark with a qualifier or self-deprecating damper such as "This is probably going to sound egotistical, but...." when I have a higher than average IQ. It is also true that I am endlessly disheartened by the dissolution of the English language, have won awards for performance and writing, and am, on the whole, infinitely more impressed with the emotional intelligence of animals over that of people. None of these statements require compensation.   I do not have to remain passive when others make remarks that are sexist, racist, ageist, homophobic, heterosexist, xenophobic, misogynistic, violently aggressive, indicative of body fascism, or convey intolerance of mental illness, mental retardation, or other disability.   I deserve to be treated with dignity.   And if you don't agree with me, I really don't care. Honestly. And it feels so f u c k i n g good to say that.
Canary Diamond

Canary Diamond

2
 

To The Men: I Get It Now; a.k.a. Damn, Girl

My libido is through the roof since having surgery. It is, without a doubt, the highest it has ever been in my life. A juicy, throbbing beast of arousal. It's like I have a whole new set of nerve endings and with the slightest whiff of sexuality they are firing on all pistons. I haven't even lost that much weight; the weight I'm at now is one I've been at many times in my life, with unspectacular effects on my sex drive.   But everything has changed. I understand the appeal of David Guetta songs. I understand why people risk going to jail for public indecency. I understand why women look forward to doing laundry so much. I even think I may be beginning to understand how it feels to be a man. Make that a teenage boy. Let me put it this way, I don't think I'll need to continue the 30 Day Abs Challenge to see results by next week.   I have a theory for this: For the first time in my life, the prospect of a toned, sexy body is real. Guaranteed, in fact, as long as I don't push my sleeve. I think my libido went to sleep years ago when it realized it wasn't going to be put to use anytime soon, and now it has awoken like a bear jolted out of hibernation by jumper cables.   And how the hell is it that men KNOW when you're feeling like this? Walking my dog today, literally every man I passed turned his head. Two guys even slowed their cars waaaaaaaaayyyy down as they were passing by and watched me. I was wearing sweatpants, slurping on a protein shake, and carrying a bag of $h!t - not exactly exuding an air of....well, what I'd just done in the shower.   If you can relate, I would love to hear from you. Especially if you're single like me. How did/do you keep yourself under control? I feel like I'm on the verge of doing something stupid. As a teacher in a small town, something tells me if I were caught in a park humping the statues people wouldn't want me around their children anymore.
Canary Diamond

Canary Diamond

12
 

Crabby Pants

I swore to myself I wouldn't be one of those posters who whines about ONLY losing ______ pounds. "I lost 52 pounds the first two months, but only 12 this month. I was really hoping to weigh less than my cat by now. "   Well, I'm whining. It's a week after surgery and I've lost 2 pounds. While I'm sure this is not uncommon, I can't seem to find any supporting evidence to that end. Stalls seem to make their first appearance, for the most part, in the second and third weeks after surgery. Also, I'm full of gas. More gas than I had two days after surgery. I can't seem to take a sip of anything without swallowing three times as much air. And it won't come out. If I tied a basket to my feet, I could probably give balloon rides over the breathtaking Oregon coast (note to self: possible future career?).   I'm just crabby. Nothing's working the way it should and everyone else is to blame. I keep having these practice confrontations with make-believe opponents in which I am angrily defending myself in imaginary scenarios. These things that haven't happened are making me very upset. And my mom moved my $h!t around while I was in Mexico. And did my laundry (which was a very nice thing to do, but also implies my incompetence, right?). And bought the wrong kind of yogurt.   And I don't want to take Anatomy and Physiology from that @$$ho!e who won't let me change lab times, even though my schedule only permits me to take the online class but not the online class's lab. Oh, it's my responsibility to free my schedule up so you don't have to deal with the grading "nightmare", as you put it, of dealing with students in labs they aren't registered for? I suppose I should apologize for being the ONE student at Southwestern Oregon Community College who's ever gone for her second Master's? (statistic not confirmed) Really, Mr. "I don't even have a Master's! Just a Bachelor's in Biology and a f**king chiropractic certificate"!!! SERIOUSLY???? Maybe I just won't become a nurse practitioner. That'll show him.   And this website won't even let me curse. I have to use fµck¡n8 §Ymb@[$!!! First Amendment, anyone?   And my dog is stinky.
Canary Diamond

Canary Diamond

4
 

Uh-Oh, I Said Too Much

During which week of the post-op diet is foot on the menu?   I'm teaching a summer chemistry class to adorable little teenagers. My post-op week we were using small, round candies (not using names - don't want to trigger anyone) to represent atomic particles during radioactive decay. Of course, they could eat whatever they weren't using. At the beginning of class, seeing the HUGE and numerous bags of candy on my demo table, they asked if we were going to be doing something with them for that day's class (they are masters of deduction - watch out, Dr. House!) and I joked that it was all for me.   Fast forward to the end of class, as they're cleaning up/inhaling their candy like Dysons. One of them asks if I'm going to have any and I reply, "Nah, I have surgery next week and I'm on a liquid diet." WAY TO GO, BIG MOUTH. Of course, they wanted to know more. I joked that I would tell them about it afterwards. That way If I died on the table they could make up whatever story they wanted ("Did you hear Ms. Diamond had a brain aneurysm and farted out her spleen???").   Well, I didn't die (thanks a lot, Dr. Illan), so now I'm in a pickle. I have no idea what to say if they ask me about it in class today. Do I lie and say I was just trying to crash diet before my beach/wedding/girls' weekend vacation? Or do I go the evasive route and imply it's gross and personal and they wouldn't want to know? I know some of you are wondering why I don't just tell them the truth. I'm sure when I'm 50+ pounds down and everybody's asking, my attitude may be different, but as of now the only people I've told are my immediate family and therapist. Something tells me that revealing my very personal secret to a room full of Tweeting teenagers may not be the best way to maintain an ounce of decorum in this very small town. Any fellow foot-eaters who can offer follow-up advice?
Canary Diamond

Canary Diamond

11
 

I'm on The You Tubes!

Hey everybody! I just learned how to make a video with my computer and post it on "The Internet". It's very high-tech and I wouldn't want to intimidate any of you technophobes out there. I am just BLAZING into the last quarter of the 20th century!   Anyway, I will be chronicling my weight loss journey for all to see. if you'd like to check it out, I'm pretty sure my channel name is "Canary Diamond". I don't know the difference between the member name and channel name, but I'm sure you'll figure it out - you smarty pants, you! Oh, even better. Here's a link (that's short for hyper-link in technology lingo, but again, I don't want to bore you with my exhaustive knowledge of what we early adopters call the "world wide web"):   http://www.youtube.c...JUTmAKTCP8BLOwQ   Check it out, and subscribe if you like it!
Canary Diamond

Canary Diamond

2
 

S'One-Derful!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIQ-SUM1nWE

To stay updated on my incoherent drivel, subscribe to my YouTube channel!
Canary Diamond

Canary Diamond

0

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