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Thoughts, Feelings, Ideas, Fears

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I just made homemade quacomole. Using only 1 avacado, mayo, pace picante . . . and then ate it with several Tostitos. I'm supposed to be on all liquids! What the hell is wrong with me?????:angry :angry :angry :angry
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

I've Been Psyched!!!

Today I had my psych evaluation. They let me out without any meds, so I must have fooled them good . Actually it was a good experience and they said "You have a good and realistic understanding of what is expected before, during and after the surgery". I wonder if they've ever really turned anyone down and said that they weren't psychologically ready for the surgery.   Anyway . . as far as smoking goes, it's been tough. I almost cheated today, but made myself picture me skinny. However, the cravings are waking me up 5-6 times during the night, so I contacted the "Quit Assist" program that is offered through our health insurance. Several people at the office have used it and said it's a really great program. So I called and signed up. This evening one of the "Coaches" called me and we talked about my smoking habits in the past, what worked, what didn't. We also talked about things for me to do differently. They are going to send me the nicotine patches for me to use (insurance gives me a deeply discounted rate - $15). In the meantime, I fear I will slip off this cart and buggy :help: . But if I do, I am getting right back on! I am sick and tired of this and once I get free, I will NEVER EVER go back to smoking EVER AGAIN. And yes, you can print this entry and tape it to my door to remind me!   Back to the psych eval -- I go back next Tuesday to get my "results", and will also see the nutritionist at the same time (also required by my insurance company). Once all that's done, the only thing left will be to write the letter to the Insurance company. I'm lousy at writing letters, and I dread this one thing most of all!
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Decisions/Decisions/Decisions

Now that my insurance has approved the lapband for me, I have to decide which surgery center to have it at, and when. As much as I would like to have this done with by December 31st and start 2007 banded, I don't have any paid time off, and it's Christmas time . . . enough stress without trying to do liquids for 7 days pre-op, and then liquids 14 days post op. My Mom, Dad, and Aunt are coming in for Christmas (which is great), but I don't want to have to focus on prepping for the surgery while they are here. I guess I'll just enjoy the holidays unbanded. However, January is really financially tight as well. DH is having lasik surgery on Jan 5th, and taxes on the house are due by January 31st. I know my out-of-pocket will be around $800-$1000. So I guess I'll have to wait and see if I can afford it in January or February. I am going on Friday to get my blood work and EKG done, so that will be one more thing on the list done. The other things still left to do are 1) pre-op visit with doctor, 2)pick surgery center, 3) schedule surgery.   However, once the surgery is done . . . LOOK OUT WORLD!!!! A slimmer, trimmer, healthier Cha-Cha will be out there, and there'll be no stopping her!:clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Measurements

January 7, 2007 Upper Right Arm: 20 1/2 Upper Left Arm: 20 1/2 Bust: 48 Waist: 45 1/4 Hips: 56 1/2 Right Thigh: 29 3/4 Left Thigh: 30 3/4 Weight: 279.8
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Hungry All Day

For some reason, I have been starving all day, and can't seem to consume enough food. My BF has completed the 2nd day of her liquid diet, and she is having a tough time. It's hard watching her go through it, because I want to help, but there's nothing I can do except NOT EAT around her. However, when I got home this evening, I ate just about anything I saw, and I don't know if my being so hungry is because she can't eat, so now I'm eathing for two???? Who knows.   I go to my family physician tomorrow to have my blood work and EKG done, and then next week I will contact Dr. Jay and schedule my surgery.   Still smoke free :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Too Long

It's been way too long since I journaled. So things are going along just fine for now. I don't have any restriction what so ever though, and that's frustrating. I have lost 16 pounds and that's good. I'm on mushies, and on occasion have had some things that really aren't on the "mushy" phase, but seem to have no problems eating anything. My 1st fill isn't until Feb 28th, so I will have to wait until then I guess to figure out what "restriction" means. I have a Vanguard band that holds 5cc (according to the doc). I can tell my clothes are fitting bit better, and I recently downloaded the "FitDay" program on to my computer which lets me track EVERYTHING. It let's me see how many calories, fat grams, vitamins, and protein I've had that day. It even tells me how many calories I should have in order to lose the weight I want to, by my due date. That way if I eat anything above that, then I know I won't lose.   I'm feeling good, and even though I had some fluid build up around my incision (for the port), the doc removed it and I felt immediately better. I have even been able to sleep on my tummy now! Even had sex for the first time, and it was GREAT. Apparently not being allowed to have things gives you a better perspective of when you can :clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Too long

It's been too long since I last journaled. Let's see . . . I'm down 25lbs (hooray), and I'm starting to feel better. My energy is up a bit more. My DH's Dad died last week, and we went to Lubbock for the funeral and was there for 4 days. I ate everything people brought . . . and there was a lot of it. I have zero restriction right now, and don't know what "full" means. Thankfully I go for my first fill this Wednesday, and I am going to ask for an agressive fill. I am tired of losing weight so slowly. I was up 2.5lbs due to all the food in Lubbock (also started my period). As of this morning I am back down 2lbs. My DH and I worked really hard in the yard this afternoon (big wind blew down a dead tree), cutting and chipping away. So at least I got in some exercise today. He wanted to sit and relax all day, but when I do that, I EAT! So I insisted on getting the tree taken care of today.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Thoughts For Today

I saw the psychologist and nutritionist yesterday and both gave me the thumbs up for the surgery :omg: . I can't believe how quickly everything has happened up to this point. I especially enjoyed visiting with the Nutritionist. She was funny but also very informative. She's been working with bariatric patients for years, and has a tremendous amount of experience and information. I really look forward to working with her throughout my journey. I feel that she can be very instrumental to helping me achieve my life long goal.   I have been incredibly hungry today, and want to eat everything insight! I think it's because I'm about to start my period:embarassed: . I could eat the entire side of beef right now.   I found out today from my BGF that our insurance company is extremely bogged down with their data entry, and it could take weeks before they get her information input and approved for surgery. She wants this surgery before the end of the year so bad. I really hope that she can get it! I think that would just about the best present ever.   Even though I want this bad, I am willing to wait until after the first of the year. I have a way to pay cash (if necessary), and I guess I could go ahead and do that, and then file it with the insurance company after they approve me, but I think I will still wait until January. That's my goal, to have this by the end of January.   Oh . . . and in case you're wondering, Yes, I'm still smoke-free -- 11 days :clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

I'm Banded!!!!

I got my band 1/10/07 at 7:30am. I was home by 10:30. I am feeling good, only had to take some liquid hydrocodone twice. I've not had any gas yet, but I've been walking at least every hour for about 10 minutes. Up and down the driveway - we have a really long driveway. I'm up right now because I'm tired of sleeping. My back is sore from laying in bed so much, however, I still feel a little sleepy from the anesthesia. I got the 10cc Vanguard band so I'm going to do a little research on it. Will journal more later. Thanks for everyone's prayers -- I really felt them.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Christmas Decorating

Today, my daughter and her hubby are coming over to help decorate for Christmas. We do it up pretty good around here. 10ft tree, lots of lights outside. I love the final product, but the work is really hard, and since my DH had shoulder surgery only 5 weeks ago, he can't really help much - but he sure does TRY!!   15 days smoke-free! Hooray!!! DH brought be a card last night in celebration of 2 weeks smoke-free. He's such a sweetie!!
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Cold Weather A'Coming

Well we got all of our outside and inside decorations done :clap2: .   My BF should find out tomorrow from the insurance company if she will be approved. I spoke to Ricardo at Dr. Jay's yesterday, and he has faxed over all my paperwork to the insurance company, so hopefully I should find out if I'm approved next week. Once approved, all I'll have to do is schedule my surgery. I want to do it the 2nd week of January.   My DH's dad is very ill and in the hospital. He's had another heart attack, and the doctors have told us it's not a matter of "if", but "when". It could be days, or weeks. We will be going to Lubbock to see him next weekend. This is very hard on my DH, especially at this time of year.   I'm still smoke-free -- and man does it feel good. Again, the cravings only hit 2-3 times per day, and last only minutes:clap2:   I LOVE this time of year -- we have a cold front moving in and should not get out of the 30's all day tomorrow. I love cold weather (but only for short periods of time).
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

My 1st Dr's Appt

I am so excited! I got an appointment with Dr. Scott at UT Southwestern for Monday at 3pm:clap2: I can't wait to go see them and start this journey. Today, my husband informed me that he was having his dream come true . . . he's getting lasik surgery . . . on January 5th! While I am very happy for him, I was hoping to have my surgery the 1st week of January. So, now it will have to wait another week or two. Perhaps I can get mine prior to January 1st. Either way, I'm very please about my decision and it seems like each day, there are signs that only reinforce my decision. My Best Friend, Steph has an appt on Monday morning too, only with a different doc. We are going to get together afterwards and compare notes. We may or may not end up using the same doc.   Now, the downside . . . I don't think my husband is quite as supportive about this as he says. He expressed some concerns today, and also told me that he believed I was fully capable of losing weight "the hard way" (his words). "You just don't believe it yourself" -- that's what he said. My hubby has had some issues with his weight in the past, but he has been fully capable of losing it on his own, even to the point of looking anorexic. However I told him he was right, that I don't believe I can do it the "hard way". I've tried it for over the last 15 years, and it hasn't stuck. The slimmest I have been in over 15 years is 224. My ideal weight would be about 165. At 44 years old and being 5'8", I think that's an achievable, realistic goal. Either way, I'm doing this for me, not him. So he will have to accept that.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Good and Bad

So today my BF was approved by our insurance company BCBS of MN (we have the same insurance) for her band. I am so incredibly happy for her. She wants to be banded by the 2nd or 3rd week of Christmas. :girl_hug:   Today, something happened with both my daughters, and while I am not willing to put it in this journal, suffice it to say they have both broken my heart and I feel a deep and profound sense of loss. I am scared to death for my youngest (she's 19) and very angry with my oldest (she's 22). After my divorce from their father, it was just the 3 of us, and we were so close. We were the three amigas! Now, to listen to them talk to each other and then make me feel as if I have to chose, is more than my heart can bear. Being an only child, I can't begin to describe to them how precious it is to have a sibling. No matter what happens, family is top priority. I am really considering cancelling Christmas.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Starting Liquids Soon

I went shopping last night and bought a lot of stuff that I will need for the 7 day pre-op "mostly" clear liquid diet. I bought some slim fast low carb drinks because they have 20 grams of protein each. I can also have slim milk during this phase also (wonder if I can put chocolate syrup in it -- just kidding!). I start all liquids on Wednesday, January 7th, and also have a pre op appt with Dr J at 2pm that day. I'm not sure how I feel right now, I don't seem to feel anything other than normal. I'm not scared, nervouse or anxious yet. I do want to go to Saltgrass and have a steak because I know it will be the last one that I ever eat. They have my favorite, and even though I'm not a big steak lover, I do like one every now and then.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Shopping

Last night I had to go shopping for something to wear to a company function. A very nice dinner at a very expensive restaurant to celebrate employees who have been with the company for 15 years or more (My husband has the 15 years, I just celebrated my 13th with the same company). I HATE shopping . . . absolutely hate it. I hate that I wear a size 24, or 3X. I hate that everything I try on looks like an something my grandmother would wear. I hate that everything "dressy" has sparkles and rhinestones on it. Is that supposed to draw the eye away from how fat I am? I hate that what ever is fashionable does not come in a size 24, or everything is in "Petites". Don't fashion people know that some fat people are tall? I'm 5' 8" and weight 285lbs. There isn't a single article of clothing that has ever been created that looks good on someone that size. So I settled for some stupid outfit that yells "Look at me . . . I'm fat". So when we go to dinner tonight, I'll look at the other people there who have a shape other than "round" and feel extrremely inferior. Oh well, it's how I'm used to feeling.   I can't wait to see Dr. Scott on Monday. If my insurance doesn't pay for this, I still have the ability to pay cash for the surgery (thank GOD).   My husband and I talked a lot Thursday evening. I was very blunt and honest about my feelings. He cried and said he didn't realize how much I was hurting. He is scheduled to have lasik surgery on January 5th, and when I told him that was when I was hoping to have my surgery, he said he would reschedule or even cancel his. I can't let him do that because this has been his dream for 10 years. My dream of being slimmer and healthier has been going on for over 20. At least his is scheduled and everything is settled. My surgery will happen . . . I just don't know when.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

6 Days Post-Op

Well, so far, so good. I've lost a total of 14 lbs! I am so sick of "cream soups", "mostly clear liquids". I can't wait until next Wed (1/24) to sink my teeth in to . . . you go it, "Mushies". Oh yeah, refried beans from Taco Bell and Ojedas, mashed potatoes with gravy, scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, and mac n cheese . . . here I come!   I went back to work yesterday and had to leave about 3pm as my back, and my port were really sore. Luckily, I had gone in really early due to the ice and so my boss said "You need to go home", and I said "Okay, I will". Normally, I would have said no thank you and stuck it out, but I was really sore. So I came home, put the heating pad on my port incision and slept for 2.5 hours.   Today, being the 2nd day back at work, I made it from 7am - 5pm. I am still a little sore - not as bad as yesterday - but I also took my liquid tylenol to work and swigged it as I needed it. It helped.   This friday, my DH gets his lasik surgery (goodbye $3300 ), but he has wanted this for so long. He deserves this! So now he will be able to see how really SEXY I look once I've lost all my weight :clap2: .   My 2 week post-op visit is the 24th, and I can't wait. I have lots of questions, such as "Why I don't feel any restriction yet -- is that normal with a 10cc band"?
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

ANGRY

I am very angry. I discovered that yesterday when my husband came back from getting his hair cut (we use the same person), and said "We were talking about you getting the LapBand, and she (the hair stylist) said she sure wished you could see a nutritionist before doing this". Something snapped inside my head . . . I actually heard it. It took me a moment to realize that it was inside my head and not something that my husband heard. The anger came out . . . not literally, but all the anger that I have kept inside of me for years and years. I've never been good at expressing anger because I have always been "the nice one". Whenever my family or friends want to do something I do it (whether I really want to or not), because I'm "the nice one". My Mother taught me that we always put others first (that's what Christ did), and everyone's feelings come first. So, whenever I have gotten angry in the past, I felt guilty and so I hid it. Well, not anymore. I told my husband that I did not appreciate him discussing my LBand with anyone else. It wasn't his to discuss. It was my decision, and I will choose who I tell and who I don't. I left to go get ready for this award supper for his 15 years at the company, which I cannot tell you how much I did NOT want to go. I cried the entire time I was getting ready. He came in about 20 minutes later, and that's when I let him have it. I told him that he needed to take a couple of days and decide whether or not he was really going to support my decision. He's either on board with it or not. And it doesn't really matter to me at this point. His decision doesn't affect mine. For the 1st time, I told him this was ALL ABOUT ME!!! I am tired of being fat, and fearful that each time I step on the scales I will tip the 300lb mark. I watched "The Half Ton Man" on the Discovery Health Channel yesterday, and my husband said, "I don't have any idea how people can get to that point". I told him I understood completely, and that I could get to that point so very easily. He said he didn't believe me, so I got up and left. People with addictions get that way. I have an addictive personality. Smoking and eating are my addictions. The truth about a food addict is that it's the one addiction you can never get away from. Smokers, alcoholics and people who use drugs . . . . once they get sober, they don't ever use cigarettes, alcohol or drugs again. When you're a food addict, you can't not ever eat again. It's the one addiction that you have to keep using.   Who am I angry with? Everyone and no one. I'm angry at my family and friends, the strangers I see at the store. I'm angry at me.   Last night was torture. I smiled, made polite conversation and laughed in all the appropriate places, because socially that's what they expect you to do.   Today, my husband asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I was angry. Not the yelling, spitting kind, but the kind that comes from way down deep. He asked if I was angry at him, and I told him that this wasn't about him, but me. I will talk with him about it when the time comes, but it's not now.   Tomorrow I go for my first appt with the Doc about getting the LBand. I told my husband I didn't want him there.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Sunday 12/03

Well, here it is the 3rd day of December and I've been doing some internet shopping. My DH and I went grocery shopping today, and then I made some chocolate chip/oatmeal cookies. I then made a huge pot of vegetable soup. Hubby and his BF went and picked up a treadmill for me that I bought from a co-worker. She only wanted $100 for it, and it's a really nice one. Probably around $300 or more if bought new. So, after the cookies, I will go try it out :girl_hug:   22 days smoke free today! I am hoping to hear from the insurance company by the end of this week. Once approved, then I can schedulev my surgery:clap2: . I am looking at the 2nd or 3rd week of January. I am beginning to dream about having the band. Soon it will no longer be a dream, but a reality!
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Changed Appt

Today, Dr. S office called me and said that there was a family emergency and he wouldn't be in this week. They would call me later next week to reschedule my appt. That was really really hard for me. After all the emotional ups and downs, I was really looking forward to my first Doctor's appt. So I called a different Doc . . . Dr Jay, which a lot of people on this website use. I was shocked when they said they could see me tomorrow morning at 9:30am. My BF saw him earlier today and she was very impressed. That was really reassuring to me. I might still see the other doctor when their office calls, but we'll see what happens.   I showed my hubby the website, and he told me that he had reached his decision, that he was in with me whole heartedly and 100% - Thank GOD (I'm sure the fact that they both graduated from the same College have NOTHING to do with it - go RAIDERS) That pretty much did away with some of the emotional stuff that I was going through over the weekend. I know my attitude was incredibly lousy, but this journal really helps me to get it out of my head. I feel a lot better about things today.   Why is it that once you make a decision to do something (after researching for almost a year), you are ready NOW!!?? It would make more sense for me to wait for the surgery until after the 1st of the year (time off from work), but at the same time I'm afraid our insurance may write this out of their policy. Well, once again . . . we will see :nervous
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

My 1st Dr's Appt

I saw the Intern at Dr. Jay's office today. She was wonderful! She said I was an excellent candidate. The only thing is that I must quit smoking -- which is cool. I knew I'd have to do that. I quit for 3.5 yrs and then for some stupid reason picked it back up again. So this Friday 11/10 will be my last day smoking. I know it will be hard (been there, done that), but at least I know what to expect. I'm sure I'll be journaling a lot during that time. I've already called and set the appt for my psych and nutritionist. So it looks like it's coming along! Now I just have to write a letter to the insurance company, and I'm not very good at that, so for me, that will be the hardest part.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Just More Thoughts

When I got home this evening, my husband greeted me and wanted to know all about my Dr's visit. He asked a lot of questions, and was very happy for me. He has truly come full circle and is back to being my 100% fully supporting husband. He has expressed his fears of me having surgery (of any kind), and we talked about those. I can tell when I look in his eyes that he is truly supportive   My anger has gone away since it's had a place to go (this journal), and I hope that I didn't make anyone think that I needed some major psych help. It's just that I have always been the kind of person to hold back on what I truly think and feel with about 95% of the people I come in contact with. I consider myself a very private person when it comes to my feelings and rarely trust anyone enough to be honest with them. However, I do have a terrific support group. My hubby, my BF and her husband (whom I affectionately refer to as my brother-husband), and my two daughters. Those 5 are the only one's I feel completly at ease with when expressing my emotions.   So, again, my appt today was great, however I was surprised that their scale said I weight 276 instead of the 282 that mine said this morning. So this evening my hubby and I "reset" our scale. My BMI is 43, and my body fat was 52.5% :omg: . I don't know what is considered a healthy body fat, so I guess I'll have to research that.   And yes BF -- we will live a long long time as skinny and HEALTHY BF's!!! Hugs and Kisses.:scared:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Wednesday

As I headed home from work today, I sent my husband a text message that said "Going home to drink!". He sent back "Save me some!" Today was quite stressful, but still very good. Once again, I look forward to Friday. That will be my last smoke day. I have quit smoking in the past (for 3.5 yrs), so I know I can do it.   My BF had her psych visit today . . . they let her out, so she must be safe to be around :scared: .   I updated my Mom about my journey to Lband Heaven, and she is glad that I have found something that I feel very comfortable with. She is very supportive.   What's really weird, is that now that I am on this journey, I find I'm not as hungry as much . . . I wonder if it's normal. I seem to have become more aware of what I am eating (which is good). This should help me with having to make the decisions on what to eat once I have the surgery.
angelburch

angelburch

1
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