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Thoughts, Feelings, Ideas, Fears

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Hungry All Day

For some reason, I have been starving all day, and can't seem to consume enough food. My BF has completed the 2nd day of her liquid diet, and she is having a tough time. It's hard watching her go through it, because I want to help, but there's nothing I can do except NOT EAT around her. However, when I got home this evening, I ate just about anything I saw, and I don't know if my being so hungry is because she can't eat, so now I'm eathing for two???? Who knows.   I go to my family physician tomorrow to have my blood work and EKG done, and then next week I will contact Dr. Jay and schedule my surgery.   Still smoke free :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Goodbye 80's and 70's

Well, I'm down 20lbs as of this morning!:clap2: I have said goodbye to the 280's and the 270's. I weighed this morning and it said 261. Just another week or so and I can say goodbye to the 260's. My clothes are starting to get loose. I love that I can take my jeans out of the dryer and put them on and not have to suck in my tummy or jump up and down trying to get them on. Also, I can now tie my tennis shoes without standing up! I know that I will have made it when I can sit on the bed and bend my knee to bring my foot up on the bed and tie them then. That's what I'm waiting for!   I'm still on mushies until Wednesday. I did have a slice of smoked turkey breast yesterday (shaved slice), and it tasted so strange. I had my DH try it and he said it tasted normal. I guess my taste buds have changed since all I've had is liquids and creamy and mushies. So, what do I want to eat for my very first "real food"? I have no idea. I'm a little bit nervous about eating regular food (Is that normal?), but I have no restriction so far. My first fill is on 2/21, and maybe then I'll feel restriction. My band holds 5cc's so hopefully it won't take very many fills to know what restriction is. I'm looking forward to it.   I was home sick yesterday with sinus problems, sore throat, and didn't want to risk making anyone else at work sick. There are several there that already have this, and they don't have a problem with sharing their germs. I have been taking Advil Sinus and Cold medicine, and don't have to cut the pills in half. Once I get a fill, I'm sure that I will need to do that.   My DH has been so patient and so supportive that tonight I'm cooking salmon for dinner. I'm going to spray it with Olive Oil, but some sliced Roma Tomatoes on it, and some fresh Rosemary, wrap it in foil and bake. He's eaten out at fast food restaurants ever since this started, so he wouldn't eat in front of me. He feels self-conscious doing that, even though I've told him it's not a problem.   My BFF DH is getting lapband on Thursday and has already lost 16lbs! :clap2: I am so happy for him. Of all of us, he will probably benefit healthwise the most. He's on a insulin pump and takes a lot of other medication, so it will be great to have him healthy! I owe a lot to my BFF and her DH. Without them, I wouldn't have had the courage to do this. They are such a blessing! We tell people that we are family by choice. You can't choose your family, but you can your friends . . . but they're more than friends. Thank GOD for them.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Good Stuff!

Today I am smoke free for 10 days (HOORAY :clap2: ). It's not been easy, that's for sure! But I'm really proud of that accomplishment.   Last night I went for my very first Yoga class. It's a type of Yoga called "Vinyasa" - or also known as "hot yoga". The room is extremely hot, and you really sweat a lot. It was amazing! I will continue to go, even though I can't do half of the stuff, I know that eventually I will be able to. Everyone in the class (including the extremely skinny, inhumanly flexible young chick) said I did great for my first time. I know that for my exercise, working out at a gym won't work for me, and walking is "OK", but I really believe that this Yoga thing could really turn out to be something extraordinary.   Also, saw the psychologist and had a consult with the Nutritionist today, so all my "requirements" by the insurance company have been met, and Ricardo at Dr. J's office said they would be able to submit everything to the Insurance Company tomorrow:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: !!!!!!   It's a good day!
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Good and Bad

So today my BF was approved by our insurance company BCBS of MN (we have the same insurance) for her band. I am so incredibly happy for her. She wants to be banded by the 2nd or 3rd week of Christmas. :girl_hug:   Today, something happened with both my daughters, and while I am not willing to put it in this journal, suffice it to say they have both broken my heart and I feel a deep and profound sense of loss. I am scared to death for my youngest (she's 19) and very angry with my oldest (she's 22). After my divorce from their father, it was just the 3 of us, and we were so close. We were the three amigas! Now, to listen to them talk to each other and then make me feel as if I have to chose, is more than my heart can bear. Being an only child, I can't begin to describe to them how precious it is to have a sibling. No matter what happens, family is top priority. I am really considering cancelling Christmas.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Decisions/Decisions/Decisions

Now that my insurance has approved the lapband for me, I have to decide which surgery center to have it at, and when. As much as I would like to have this done with by December 31st and start 2007 banded, I don't have any paid time off, and it's Christmas time . . . enough stress without trying to do liquids for 7 days pre-op, and then liquids 14 days post op. My Mom, Dad, and Aunt are coming in for Christmas (which is great), but I don't want to have to focus on prepping for the surgery while they are here. I guess I'll just enjoy the holidays unbanded. However, January is really financially tight as well. DH is having lasik surgery on Jan 5th, and taxes on the house are due by January 31st. I know my out-of-pocket will be around $800-$1000. So I guess I'll have to wait and see if I can afford it in January or February. I am going on Friday to get my blood work and EKG done, so that will be one more thing on the list done. The other things still left to do are 1) pre-op visit with doctor, 2)pick surgery center, 3) schedule surgery.   However, once the surgery is done . . . LOOK OUT WORLD!!!! A slimmer, trimmer, healthier Cha-Cha will be out there, and there'll be no stopping her!:clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Decision Made

After many days/weeks of reviewing this website, I have finally decided to to do. I called the Bariatric Surgery Center (at UT Southwester in Dallas) on Friday (10/27) to make an appointment. They asked me if I were interested in the by-pass or the lap band. I told them that I was interested in both. They are supposed to call me back next week for my first appointment.:drum: I have be trying to decide which surgery is the best option for me. Then yesterday, my best friend, Steph (who is considering the same thing) told me about a lady at our office who had recently been banded. She had it on a Thursday, and was back on work the following Monday. Our insurance paid for it, even though she doesn't have very many health issues (other than being over 100lbs and a high BMI (38). Steph and I spent all day Saturday shopping and talking about the surgery. Her husband is getting the by-pass surgery. While I like the idea of the by-pass surgery (quicker weight loss), I don't like the idea of it being permanent. Also, I've heard that if you develop stomach cancer, they can't scope you with a by-pass surgery.   My fears are that once banded, what if there are complications? Slippage, erosions, leakage. Will I know when that happens? What if I over eat, or eat too fast (while in public) and start throwing up, or whatever?   I'm so sick and tired of being fat. I've been seriously overweight since I was 22. At my current age of 44 I know that I have a very small window left to lose weight before I start seeing some serious long term health consequences. Currently, my health issues are relatively small, and are weight related. Joint pain, border-line diabetes, snooring, and a general feeling of just not feeling good.   Bottom line - I've decided to go with the lap-band. I will update as soon as I hear back from the Doctor's office.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

Day 5 PostOp

I weighed this morning and was down 10lbs. As of 2 days ago I was only down 6lbs. So that's 4lbs in 2 days. I'm not sure I'm okay with that, but it would seem that I don't have a lot of choice in the matter. I'm feeling really good today. I am working on trying to walk with my shoulder's back. For some reason, when I do that I get weird hiccups. They're a little painful, but I'm sure it's my muscles having a little spasm or something. I will also finish up the laundry.   What to say about food. I am not hungry, but when I do eat (drink - still on liquids), I have no restriction what so ever. I can drink as much as I want. I have tried various different soups, and pureed them in the blender. I'm not a smoothie person since I'm not a fan of cold drinks or the texture's of them. I drink Isopure Protein drinks (they're clear), for my protein rather than a shake. Once this weather clears out (icy roads), I'm going to the Vitamin Shoppe to talk to them about a protein powder that I can use to help.   Today was the first day that I didn't wake up at 4am with my tummy gurgling and making odd noises. I actually slept until 5:30! I go back to work tomorrow (thank God), and hopefully will have a good day.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Day 2 of Banding

Today has gone well. I went to Wal-Mart with Hubby, and then home for a nap, and then went to pick up my car (long story). Got back home and have rested, walked, rested, and walked. Not really hungry, but taking in water and was able to get down a creamy chicken soup at hand. Don't feel any restriction, or gurgling. Just taking it nice and slow. I will continue to focus these next 6 weeks on healing, and then start focusing on using the band.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Cold Weather A'Coming

Well we got all of our outside and inside decorations done :clap2: .   My BF should find out tomorrow from the insurance company if she will be approved. I spoke to Ricardo at Dr. Jay's yesterday, and he has faxed over all my paperwork to the insurance company, so hopefully I should find out if I'm approved next week. Once approved, all I'll have to do is schedule my surgery. I want to do it the 2nd week of January.   My DH's dad is very ill and in the hospital. He's had another heart attack, and the doctors have told us it's not a matter of "if", but "when". It could be days, or weeks. We will be going to Lubbock to see him next weekend. This is very hard on my DH, especially at this time of year.   I'm still smoke-free -- and man does it feel good. Again, the cravings only hit 2-3 times per day, and last only minutes:clap2:   I LOVE this time of year -- we have a cold front moving in and should not get out of the 30's all day tomorrow. I love cold weather (but only for short periods of time).
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Christmas Decorating

Today, my daughter and her hubby are coming over to help decorate for Christmas. We do it up pretty good around here. 10ft tree, lots of lights outside. I love the final product, but the work is really hard, and since my DH had shoulder surgery only 5 weeks ago, he can't really help much - but he sure does TRY!!   15 days smoke-free! Hooray!!! DH brought be a card last night in celebration of 2 weeks smoke-free. He's such a sweetie!!
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Chili . . . .YUM!!!

Tonight I made chili for my DH and I. I used the recipe that the nutrionist gave me because it has LOTS of protein in it and actually is very simple and quick (NOTE: I am not big on home-cooking, and usually only fix things that have minimal ingredients and require very little time. But I am going to have to get over that once I have my surgery):   1lb lean ground turkey (browned and then drain and rinse meat) 2 10 oz cans Ro-Tel Tomatoes (being from Texas, we like things spicy:) 1 14.5 oz can Diced Tomatoes 1 15.5 oz can Dark Red Kidney Beans (rinsed) 1 package McCormick Chili Seasoning   I let it simmer for about an hour, and man is it good! Add a little cheese, whatever "floats your boat" for toppings.   As I learn new things, I am going to post the one's I like best in my journal so I won't lose the recipe:clap2: .   I'm almost through Day 13 of not smoking:paranoid and still doing okay. I just wish these darn cravings would go away! I am tired of thinking about a smoke (just one, I promise). But I haven't fed the beast yet. Hopefully it will starve, shrivel up and die soon.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Changed Appt

Today, Dr. S office called me and said that there was a family emergency and he wouldn't be in this week. They would call me later next week to reschedule my appt. That was really really hard for me. After all the emotional ups and downs, I was really looking forward to my first Doctor's appt. So I called a different Doc . . . Dr Jay, which a lot of people on this website use. I was shocked when they said they could see me tomorrow morning at 9:30am. My BF saw him earlier today and she was very impressed. That was really reassuring to me. I might still see the other doctor when their office calls, but we'll see what happens.   I showed my hubby the website, and he told me that he had reached his decision, that he was in with me whole heartedly and 100% - Thank GOD (I'm sure the fact that they both graduated from the same College have NOTHING to do with it - go RAIDERS) That pretty much did away with some of the emotional stuff that I was going through over the weekend. I know my attitude was incredibly lousy, but this journal really helps me to get it out of my head. I feel a lot better about things today.   Why is it that once you make a decision to do something (after researching for almost a year), you are ready NOW!!?? It would make more sense for me to wait for the surgery until after the 1st of the year (time off from work), but at the same time I'm afraid our insurance may write this out of their policy. Well, once again . . . we will see :nervous
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Back Home

So we're back home after spending the weekend in Lubbock with my in-laws. It was good seeing them again, but they just mainly sit around and do nothing, so the urge to smoke was huge. However, I maintained. Just glad to be home.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

ANGRY

I am very angry. I discovered that yesterday when my husband came back from getting his hair cut (we use the same person), and said "We were talking about you getting the LapBand, and she (the hair stylist) said she sure wished you could see a nutritionist before doing this". Something snapped inside my head . . . I actually heard it. It took me a moment to realize that it was inside my head and not something that my husband heard. The anger came out . . . not literally, but all the anger that I have kept inside of me for years and years. I've never been good at expressing anger because I have always been "the nice one". Whenever my family or friends want to do something I do it (whether I really want to or not), because I'm "the nice one". My Mother taught me that we always put others first (that's what Christ did), and everyone's feelings come first. So, whenever I have gotten angry in the past, I felt guilty and so I hid it. Well, not anymore. I told my husband that I did not appreciate him discussing my LBand with anyone else. It wasn't his to discuss. It was my decision, and I will choose who I tell and who I don't. I left to go get ready for this award supper for his 15 years at the company, which I cannot tell you how much I did NOT want to go. I cried the entire time I was getting ready. He came in about 20 minutes later, and that's when I let him have it. I told him that he needed to take a couple of days and decide whether or not he was really going to support my decision. He's either on board with it or not. And it doesn't really matter to me at this point. His decision doesn't affect mine. For the 1st time, I told him this was ALL ABOUT ME!!! I am tired of being fat, and fearful that each time I step on the scales I will tip the 300lb mark. I watched "The Half Ton Man" on the Discovery Health Channel yesterday, and my husband said, "I don't have any idea how people can get to that point". I told him I understood completely, and that I could get to that point so very easily. He said he didn't believe me, so I got up and left. People with addictions get that way. I have an addictive personality. Smoking and eating are my addictions. The truth about a food addict is that it's the one addiction you can never get away from. Smokers, alcoholics and people who use drugs . . . . once they get sober, they don't ever use cigarettes, alcohol or drugs again. When you're a food addict, you can't not ever eat again. It's the one addiction that you have to keep using.   Who am I angry with? Everyone and no one. I'm angry at my family and friends, the strangers I see at the store. I'm angry at me.   Last night was torture. I smiled, made polite conversation and laughed in all the appropriate places, because socially that's what they expect you to do.   Today, my husband asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I was angry. Not the yelling, spitting kind, but the kind that comes from way down deep. He asked if I was angry at him, and I told him that this wasn't about him, but me. I will talk with him about it when the time comes, but it's not now.   Tomorrow I go for my first appt with the Doc about getting the LBand. I told my husband I didn't want him there.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

6th Day Clear Liquids

Today was so much better than yesterday. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I was so glad to be at work on Monday. Being on clear liquids on the weekends, without much to do just flat out sucks :faint:   Well, only 36 hours left to go, and then I will be in surgery. What are my fears? -- My fears aren't of the actual surgery, it's of the "great unknown" afterwards. Each person's experience is so varied, that it is impossible for me to predict how mine will feel. Will I have a lot of gas pain in the shoulder? Will the gas pain be in my shoulder blades or back? Will I have very much gas pain? Where will my port be and how long before I can sleep on my tummy? I'm a tummy sleeper and I don't think I'll be able to sleep very good until I can roll onto my tummy. What if I don't have any restriction, what if I have too much restriction and can't eat. What if I can't figure out how to use the band? What if What if What if.   Being the type of person where any action is better than no action, this is probably going to be the worst part for me. Waiting for the surgery, waiting to heal, waiting to figure this all out. Waiting for my new life to begin. After 3 months of anticipation, what will take it's place once this is done? Questions, Questions.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

6 Days Post-Op

Well, so far, so good. I've lost a total of 14 lbs! I am so sick of "cream soups", "mostly clear liquids". I can't wait until next Wed (1/24) to sink my teeth in to . . . you go it, "Mushies". Oh yeah, refried beans from Taco Bell and Ojedas, mashed potatoes with gravy, scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, and mac n cheese . . . here I come!   I went back to work yesterday and had to leave about 3pm as my back, and my port were really sore. Luckily, I had gone in really early due to the ice and so my boss said "You need to go home", and I said "Okay, I will". Normally, I would have said no thank you and stuck it out, but I was really sore. So I came home, put the heating pad on my port incision and slept for 2.5 hours.   Today, being the 2nd day back at work, I made it from 7am - 5pm. I am still a little sore - not as bad as yesterday - but I also took my liquid tylenol to work and swigged it as I needed it. It helped.   This friday, my DH gets his lasik surgery (goodbye $3300 ), but he has wanted this for so long. He deserves this! So now he will be able to see how really SEXY I look once I've lost all my weight :clap2: .   My 2 week post-op visit is the 24th, and I can't wait. I have lots of questions, such as "Why I don't feel any restriction yet -- is that normal with a 10cc band"?
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

5th Day of Liquids

You'd think by now that I would be okay . . . but NO, I'm not. I am truly hungry -- head hunger -- but still incredibly hungry. I have less than 72 hours to go, and I know I'll make it, but OH MY GOD, this is hard. And another thing, I'm on my period . . . Yep, started it full blown, and it ain't helping my hunger any!! Chocolate, Meat, cheese, mexican food, italian, whatever!!!!! PMS on a clear liquid diet . . . welcome to my HELL.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

4th Day of Liquids

Saturday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My DH and I worked most of the day taking down and putting away all the Christmas decorations, both inside and out. DH says we don't have a single inch of spare room in the storage shed, not for even a single Christmas bulb :biggrin1: . But staying busy really helped.   Later in the day we went to see two movies, "We Are Marshall", and "Pursuit of Happyness". Both were good movies, although I liked We Are Marshall just a tiny bit more than the other one. The movies were really hard because it was 5 hours with nothing but one bottle of water. Even though I wasn't really hungry -- it was all in my head. I think that must be the "head hunger" that I've read so much about.   One of the ladies at my office had LPS back in September and she had brought me some chicken bouillon to try and I thought it was the best tasting thing ever (after 2 days of clear liquids :biggrin1: ). She said she would bring more to the office, but she had forgotten to, so she put it in my mailbox at home. Thank Goodness she lives fairly close. She also added Beef Bouillon too . . . they were very very good. They may be the only things that keep me on this for another 2 days. After the surgery, I'm not too worried about cheating, as the fear will keep me on the straight and narrow. Fear of causing a a problem with the band while healing.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

3rd Day of Liquids

The hardest part so far is getting through the 2nd day (ha-ha). Today has been good so far. I'm beginning to feel better, and my energy is better. Luckily, only 1 or 2 nicotine twinges, but so far, so good.   Today's Stats: Weight: 274.4 (down 4 lbs!) Cinnamon Dulce Latte (non-fat) 12g protein Won-ton soup (????) Chicken Broth Crystal Light (pink lemonade) - very tart :guess IsoPure protein drink (40g protein) 2 Low-Carb Slim fast (40f protein) Cherry popsicle Water, Water, Water   It's hard to believe that I'm only 4 days away from Surgery! :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: I think that now, I'm beginning to really think this is going to happen, and I can't find the words to express how happy that makes me.   I know that I will look back on this journal and it will help me through the next several months. Isn't that the point of doing this?
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

2nd Day Smoke Free

Okay, so far so good. I've had some pretty harsh cravings, but haven't given in. As the craving hits, I just try to pretend that I'm on a surf board, and try to "ride the wave" all the way in. I know that the physical cravings only last 2-4 days, and there after it's all psychological. I quit before (cold turkey), and I can do it again. This is what I get for picking up a cigarette after being smoke free for 3 1/2 yrs. But this is what I must do in order to be banded. Not to mention the fact that it's great for my over all health.   My office is offering free workout classes twice a week. At 5:15 on Monday's and Thursdays. I'm going to go. I think it will help me through this. Not to mention it will help me physically.   My husband is very patient with me, and is being a huge source of support.
angelburch

angelburch

4
 

2nd Day of Liquids

Today started out great. I felt great, everything was fine, until about 1pm. Suddenly my energy bottomed out and I felt a little funny. Also, I had a nicotine craving so huge it scared me. I hadn't had one that strong in a long time. I called the Dr's office and they said it would be fine for me to wear nicotine patch if I felt I needed it, it wouldn't interfere with my scheduled surgery for next Wed.   So, today's stats: Weight 278.4 (down about 1.4lbs) Isopure Protein drink (40g protein) 2 low-carb Slim fast (40g protein) 2 cafe latte's (non-fat) (14g protein) Won-Ton soup - minus the wonton noodle Sugarfree Jello water water water water   I'm sure the tiredness is normal, and is because of the lowered caloric intake. I've been told that it will improve in a couple of days. I really hope so! It's been almost 2 years since I felt this tired. That was back when I was having major thyroid issues.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

1st Day of Liquids

Hooray! Today was my first day of clear liquids. Just 6 more to go before my surgery :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: I had my pre-op with Dr. J today. It's the first time I met him. I absolutely love him!!!! He said that I was very healthy and thought the surgery should be easy for me. I also got my pre-op instructions, and was told I would receive a call the night before surgery to go over final instructions. I asked Dr J about my being on synthroid. Since I had my thyroid removed in May of 2005, would that affect my ability to lose weight in a satisfactory time. He said no, as long as I continue my follow ups every 2 months with my endocrinologist, they would make the adjustments to my synthroid as needed. His experience with patients who have thyroid conditions is that their metabolism speeds up after the surgery due to the weight loss and watching what is eaten.   So here are my stats: Day 1 of liquids: Beginning weight - 279.8 (my scale - which is in sync with the Doctors) 2 Chai Lattes (non-fat) Sugar Free Jello 1 White Mocha from Starbucks - non-fat (too much fat, won't do that again :embarassed: -- 6g of fat, but 20g of protein) 2 cups fat-free low-sodium chicken broth 2 low carb slim fast (chocolate) total of 40g of protein Isopure Passion Fruit zero-carb drink (40g protein) Flinstone chewable vitamin B12 vitamin - melts under the tongue Water, Water, Water . . . Oh yeah, more water So that puts me at 100g of protein. I will have to watch that tomorrow.   So far, so good, not really hungry or craving anything . . . yet! Before bedtime tonight, I'm going to drink some skim milk, so hopefully that will help in case I wake up hungry during the night.
angelburch

angelburch

1
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