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Thoughts, Feelings, Ideas, Fears

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Wednesday

As I headed home from work today, I sent my husband a text message that said "Going home to drink!". He sent back "Save me some!" Today was quite stressful, but still very good. Once again, I look forward to Friday. That will be my last smoke day. I have quit smoking in the past (for 3.5 yrs), so I know I can do it.   My BF had her psych visit today . . . they let her out, so she must be safe to be around :scared: .   I updated my Mom about my journey to Lband Heaven, and she is glad that I have found something that I feel very comfortable with. She is very supportive.   What's really weird, is that now that I am on this journey, I find I'm not as hungry as much . . . I wonder if it's normal. I seem to have become more aware of what I am eating (which is good). This should help me with having to make the decisions on what to eat once I have the surgery.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Toughest Day So Far!

The cravings are hitting really hard. Especially this afternoon. The is by far the hardest it's been. I can't believe how stupid I was to pick up the stupid cigarette, after being smoke free for so long! Stupid stupid stupid!   But this is the first step to getting my band. Dr. Jay won't do the surgery unless I am smoke free for at least 14 days, so this is part of it. I figure if I can get through the next 10 days I should be okay.   I go for my psych evaluation tomorrow at 1:30, and they called me today at 4pm and I have to say, that when I heard their voice, my heart stopped. I was so afraid that they were wanting to reschedule. All I could think of was if they want to reschedule, I'm going to crawl under my desk and cry. Thankfully, they were just confirming.:clap2: I am really excited about tomorrow! Then I just have the meeting with the nutrionist, and then the only thing that I need to complete before they can send the request to my insurance company is a letter from me. I am really lowsy at writing letters. I will have to look through this website to see if I can find copies of "suggested" letters.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Too Long

It's been way too long since I journaled. So things are going along just fine for now. I don't have any restriction what so ever though, and that's frustrating. I have lost 16 pounds and that's good. I'm on mushies, and on occasion have had some things that really aren't on the "mushy" phase, but seem to have no problems eating anything. My 1st fill isn't until Feb 28th, so I will have to wait until then I guess to figure out what "restriction" means. I have a Vanguard band that holds 5cc (according to the doc). I can tell my clothes are fitting bit better, and I recently downloaded the "FitDay" program on to my computer which lets me track EVERYTHING. It let's me see how many calories, fat grams, vitamins, and protein I've had that day. It even tells me how many calories I should have in order to lose the weight I want to, by my due date. That way if I eat anything above that, then I know I won't lose.   I'm feeling good, and even though I had some fluid build up around my incision (for the port), the doc removed it and I felt immediately better. I have even been able to sleep on my tummy now! Even had sex for the first time, and it was GREAT. Apparently not being allowed to have things gives you a better perspective of when you can :clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Too long

It's been too long since I last journaled. Let's see . . . I'm down 25lbs (hooray), and I'm starting to feel better. My energy is up a bit more. My DH's Dad died last week, and we went to Lubbock for the funeral and was there for 4 days. I ate everything people brought . . . and there was a lot of it. I have zero restriction right now, and don't know what "full" means. Thankfully I go for my first fill this Wednesday, and I am going to ask for an agressive fill. I am tired of losing weight so slowly. I was up 2.5lbs due to all the food in Lubbock (also started my period). As of this morning I am back down 2lbs. My DH and I worked really hard in the yard this afternoon (big wind blew down a dead tree), cutting and chipping away. So at least I got in some exercise today. He wanted to sit and relax all day, but when I do that, I EAT! So I insisted on getting the tree taken care of today.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Tomorrow's The Day

In about 12 hours from now, I'll be rolling into the operating room. Yes, I am scared. I am scared now about the surgery. I KNOW I will be alright, but still, it's a fear I wasn't really expecting. However, I know a lot of people will be praying for me, and I'll try to update everyone as soon as I can. I am also EXCITED, as I am 12 hours away from ending all these years of being obese. As of tomorrow, I will be on my way to being healthier, slimmer, trimmer, SEXIER me.   I spoke with the Pre-op Nurse today, and the anesthesiologist is supposed to call me later tonight. I am anxious to speak to him.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Thoughts For Today

I saw the psychologist and nutritionist yesterday and both gave me the thumbs up for the surgery :omg: . I can't believe how quickly everything has happened up to this point. I especially enjoyed visiting with the Nutritionist. She was funny but also very informative. She's been working with bariatric patients for years, and has a tremendous amount of experience and information. I really look forward to working with her throughout my journey. I feel that she can be very instrumental to helping me achieve my life long goal.   I have been incredibly hungry today, and want to eat everything insight! I think it's because I'm about to start my period:embarassed: . I could eat the entire side of beef right now.   I found out today from my BGF that our insurance company is extremely bogged down with their data entry, and it could take weeks before they get her information input and approved for surgery. She wants this surgery before the end of the year so bad. I really hope that she can get it! I think that would just about the best present ever.   Even though I want this bad, I am willing to wait until after the first of the year. I have a way to pay cash (if necessary), and I guess I could go ahead and do that, and then file it with the insurance company after they approve me, but I think I will still wait until January. That's my goal, to have this by the end of January.   Oh . . . and in case you're wondering, Yes, I'm still smoke-free -- 11 days :clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Thank Goodness It's Over !

As much as I love Christmas, thank goodness it's over. Normally I would be very sad about that, but this year is different. The reason is, I got my surgery scheduled for January 10th at 7:15am -- yep, first one in that day:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: !!!!! This means that I am that much closer to starting my 7 day clear liquid pre-op diet. Normally, that would make me depressed, and I know it's going to be one of the toughest things I've ever done (probably 2nd on the list -- right below quitting smoking), but that means that I'm just that much closer to my band!   We had all the family over for Christmas and it was great. Great food, Great gifts, but most importantly, all the people that I love were all gathered here at the house.   My BFF has lost 22lbs since she started her liquid diet, and then had her sugery. In less than 2 weeks, 22lbs. That's a lot of weight, and I am so incredibly proud of, and happy for her. I know that she will be a great role model and success story! It will be great to be on this journey together!   Now, the depressing part . . . having to clean up after Christmas and family. I really hate taking out all this trash, and taking down the decorations. It makes me sad :cry . But at the same time, I'm glad to know it's over and that next Christmas I will be healthier and a lot slimmer! Well, I am going to go do 30 minutes on my treadmill. Talk to you later!
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

TGIF

Today is my last day smoking. I find that I am actually looking forward to the day ending so I can start the "non smoking" part. I have only 6 cigarettes left, and once they are gone, that's it.   My BF is out of town on business, and I miss having her to talk with about this process. She's working on getting Banded too.   However, another lady at my office talked with me about today, and she has an appt with Dr. J next week. She says that since she has decided to do this, it's all she can think about, that she's obsessing about it. I told her I felt the same way. It's like the LBand is the "Holy Grail", and I think about it all the time, and dream about it. I'm sure this is common (I hope), and probably once someone reaches that decision, that's all they can think about.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Sunday 12/03

Well, here it is the 3rd day of December and I've been doing some internet shopping. My DH and I went grocery shopping today, and then I made some chocolate chip/oatmeal cookies. I then made a huge pot of vegetable soup. Hubby and his BF went and picked up a treadmill for me that I bought from a co-worker. She only wanted $100 for it, and it's a really nice one. Probably around $300 or more if bought new. So, after the cookies, I will go try it out :girl_hug:   22 days smoke free today! I am hoping to hear from the insurance company by the end of this week. Once approved, then I can schedulev my surgery:clap2: . I am looking at the 2nd or 3rd week of January. I am beginning to dream about having the band. Soon it will no longer be a dream, but a reality!
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Sugery!

I am going to schedule my surgery for January 10th (hooray). I will call Dr. Jay's office tomorrow and set it all up.   Tomorrow my BFF is having her surgery, and she's never had surgery before. She's very nervous and scared, but I know once it's over, she'll be so glad and relieved. This is her first step to showing the world who she really is. Hugs and Kisses !!!!:clap2:   We've finished our Christmas shopping, so tonight will be nothing but wrapping presents (yuk). I love to buy and give presents, but I really hate wrapping them.   I'm still smoke free, and it's mostly easy now. Not to say that there aren't days when the cravings hit especially hard. However, I can honestly say that this is something that I am most proud of.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

Starting Liquids Soon

I went shopping last night and bought a lot of stuff that I will need for the 7 day pre-op "mostly" clear liquid diet. I bought some slim fast low carb drinks because they have 20 grams of protein each. I can also have slim milk during this phase also (wonder if I can put chocolate syrup in it -- just kidding!). I start all liquids on Wednesday, January 7th, and also have a pre op appt with Dr J at 2pm that day. I'm not sure how I feel right now, I don't seem to feel anything other than normal. I'm not scared, nervouse or anxious yet. I do want to go to Saltgrass and have a steak because I know it will be the last one that I ever eat. They have my favorite, and even though I'm not a big steak lover, I do like one every now and then.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Shopping

Last night I had to go shopping for something to wear to a company function. A very nice dinner at a very expensive restaurant to celebrate employees who have been with the company for 15 years or more (My husband has the 15 years, I just celebrated my 13th with the same company). I HATE shopping . . . absolutely hate it. I hate that I wear a size 24, or 3X. I hate that everything I try on looks like an something my grandmother would wear. I hate that everything "dressy" has sparkles and rhinestones on it. Is that supposed to draw the eye away from how fat I am? I hate that what ever is fashionable does not come in a size 24, or everything is in "Petites". Don't fashion people know that some fat people are tall? I'm 5' 8" and weight 285lbs. There isn't a single article of clothing that has ever been created that looks good on someone that size. So I settled for some stupid outfit that yells "Look at me . . . I'm fat". So when we go to dinner tonight, I'll look at the other people there who have a shape other than "round" and feel extrremely inferior. Oh well, it's how I'm used to feeling.   I can't wait to see Dr. Scott on Monday. If my insurance doesn't pay for this, I still have the ability to pay cash for the surgery (thank GOD).   My husband and I talked a lot Thursday evening. I was very blunt and honest about my feelings. He cried and said he didn't realize how much I was hurting. He is scheduled to have lasik surgery on January 5th, and when I told him that was when I was hoping to have my surgery, he said he would reschedule or even cancel his. I can't let him do that because this has been his dream for 10 years. My dream of being slimmer and healthier has been going on for over 20. At least his is scheduled and everything is settled. My surgery will happen . . . I just don't know when.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Private

I just made homemade quacomole. Using only 1 avacado, mayo, pace picante . . . and then ate it with several Tostitos. I'm supposed to be on all liquids! What the hell is wrong with me?????:angry :angry :angry :angry
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Patches are a Miracle

I got the nicotine patch and started wearing it today. NO CRAVINGS!!!!:clap2: Today has been very easy with no desire to smoke. I just hope that it will continue throughout the next few weeks. My DH sat down with me to eat, and he cut his food up into teeny tiny pieces, and ate very slowly and took his time. He did this with me so he could learn what my eating habits are going to be like. He has read everything I've brought to him, and has asked a lot of questions. He's being very supportive.   I see the nutritionist and get the results of my psych eval next Tuesday. I will work on my letter to BCBS this weekend. Hopefully next week, I too will have my paperwork submitted to the insurance compamy.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

One Week Anniversary!

Today I have been smoke free for one week! No cheating . . . not even once. I will admit that I feel better. My DH and I went for a walk this morning (with the puppies) and I didn't wheeze as much as I have in the past! One week down and a lifetime to go!   I completed my letter to BCBS for my surgery. I will send it to the Doctor's office Monday morning. After that, the only thing left to do is to see the psychologist for my results, and the nutritionist (all at the same time) on Tuesday. Hopefully the Doctor's office will send all my info to the insurance company before Thanksgiving. I hope it only takes a week or two to get approved. If so, then I can have the surgery prior to Christmas. That would be the ultimate Christmas gift! :clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

My 1st Dr's Appt

I am so excited! I got an appointment with Dr. Scott at UT Southwestern for Monday at 3pm:clap2: I can't wait to go see them and start this journey. Today, my husband informed me that he was having his dream come true . . . he's getting lasik surgery . . . on January 5th! While I am very happy for him, I was hoping to have my surgery the 1st week of January. So, now it will have to wait another week or two. Perhaps I can get mine prior to January 1st. Either way, I'm very please about my decision and it seems like each day, there are signs that only reinforce my decision. My Best Friend, Steph has an appt on Monday morning too, only with a different doc. We are going to get together afterwards and compare notes. We may or may not end up using the same doc.   Now, the downside . . . I don't think my husband is quite as supportive about this as he says. He expressed some concerns today, and also told me that he believed I was fully capable of losing weight "the hard way" (his words). "You just don't believe it yourself" -- that's what he said. My hubby has had some issues with his weight in the past, but he has been fully capable of losing it on his own, even to the point of looking anorexic. However I told him he was right, that I don't believe I can do it the "hard way". I've tried it for over the last 15 years, and it hasn't stuck. The slimmest I have been in over 15 years is 224. My ideal weight would be about 165. At 44 years old and being 5'8", I think that's an achievable, realistic goal. Either way, I'm doing this for me, not him. So he will have to accept that.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

My 1st Dr's Appt

I saw the Intern at Dr. Jay's office today. She was wonderful! She said I was an excellent candidate. The only thing is that I must quit smoking -- which is cool. I knew I'd have to do that. I quit for 3.5 yrs and then for some stupid reason picked it back up again. So this Friday 11/10 will be my last day smoking. I know it will be hard (been there, done that), but at least I know what to expect. I'm sure I'll be journaling a lot during that time. I've already called and set the appt for my psych and nutritionist. So it looks like it's coming along! Now I just have to write a letter to the insurance company, and I'm not very good at that, so for me, that will be the hardest part.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Monday - Oct 30

Today, my friend Steph called the Plano Surgery Center, and they've already set up her 1st appt for this Wednesday at 2pm. I am soooo excited for her. I had called the UT Bariatric Center last Friday, and they said they would call me this week to set my appt. If they don't call this week (or they set my appt out in to December), I am going to call the same place Steph did. I have already met all my deductibles for this year, and would like to get banded this year.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Measurements

January 7, 2007 Upper Right Arm: 20 1/2 Upper Left Arm: 20 1/2 Bust: 48 Waist: 45 1/4 Hips: 56 1/2 Right Thigh: 29 3/4 Left Thigh: 30 3/4 Weight: 279.8
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Just Stuff

Okay . . . so it's been a few days since I posted. I am very happy that I am 26 days smoke free :clap2: (with one slip last night due to a car accident). The urges are hitting less often, but when they do, they're a lot stronger than they've been the last few days. I dropped down to a 7mg patch. Maybe I need to go back to the 14 for a few days. Better yet, I'll just give this a few more days and see what happens.   Last night I was in a car accident. A female driver broadsided me, and did a tremendous amount of damage to the entire driver's side of my beautiful 2004 Nissan Maxima (I LOVE that car -- she's beautiful). I was so angry about it, and today when I took it to the repair place, I looked at it again and just burst into tears.   I called the insurance company and they said that they received the information on 11/28, and they take 10 business days to review it, so by next Tuesday I should know if I'm approved. I also found out that Dr. Jay requires a current EKG, so I have one scheduled with my family Doctor for the 15th.   I used to hear people talk about all the steps that they had to go through to get approved for WLS, and I thought "Man, that's too much for me to do, I would get lost in the whole process". Now that I'm almost done, I realize that it's not quite as bad as I thought. Besides, with this website, there is plenty of things to research and plenty of people to read about, and their experiences. So, all in all, it's not been nearly as confusing as I thought it would be.   We are driving tomorrow to Lubbock to see my DH's Dad. He is very ill, and not expected to live long. While we are there, we will visit Texas Tech (DH is alumni), and see all the Christmas lights. I am looking forward to that. I love Christmas lights and decorations.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Just More Thoughts

When I got home this evening, my husband greeted me and wanted to know all about my Dr's visit. He asked a lot of questions, and was very happy for me. He has truly come full circle and is back to being my 100% fully supporting husband. He has expressed his fears of me having surgery (of any kind), and we talked about those. I can tell when I look in his eyes that he is truly supportive   My anger has gone away since it's had a place to go (this journal), and I hope that I didn't make anyone think that I needed some major psych help. It's just that I have always been the kind of person to hold back on what I truly think and feel with about 95% of the people I come in contact with. I consider myself a very private person when it comes to my feelings and rarely trust anyone enough to be honest with them. However, I do have a terrific support group. My hubby, my BF and her husband (whom I affectionately refer to as my brother-husband), and my two daughters. Those 5 are the only one's I feel completly at ease with when expressing my emotions.   So, again, my appt today was great, however I was surprised that their scale said I weight 276 instead of the 282 that mine said this morning. So this evening my hubby and I "reset" our scale. My BMI is 43, and my body fat was 52.5% :omg: . I don't know what is considered a healthy body fat, so I guess I'll have to research that.   And yes BF -- we will live a long long time as skinny and HEALTHY BF's!!! Hugs and Kisses.:scared:
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Insurance

I'm approved !:clap2: BCBS of Minnesota called me yesterday to tell me that I was approved. Then within 15 minutes, Ricardo from Dr. Jay's office called me and said that the insurance company had already called him. I can schedule my surgery now!!!!!!!
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

In My Dreams

1. I can cross my legs at the knees comfortably 2. I can wear sleeveless shirts with confidence 3. I can sit at a movie theatre and not have my hips "oozing" into the people on either side 4. I can fly on a plane without the people on either side of me being uncomfortable 5. I can tie my shoes while sitting down and not have to hold my breath 6. I can shop in the "regular" size clothing stores/sizes 7. My BMI will go from 44.5 down to the mid 20's 8. That when my husband hugs me, my stomach won't be in the way 9. That I can look at myself in the mirror and not feel shame 10. That I can go out in public with my head held high and feel that the people I'm with aren't embarassed by me 11. That I can have sex with my husband and feel sexy
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

I've Been Psyched!!!

Today I had my psych evaluation. They let me out without any meds, so I must have fooled them good . Actually it was a good experience and they said "You have a good and realistic understanding of what is expected before, during and after the surgery". I wonder if they've ever really turned anyone down and said that they weren't psychologically ready for the surgery.   Anyway . . as far as smoking goes, it's been tough. I almost cheated today, but made myself picture me skinny. However, the cravings are waking me up 5-6 times during the night, so I contacted the "Quit Assist" program that is offered through our health insurance. Several people at the office have used it and said it's a really great program. So I called and signed up. This evening one of the "Coaches" called me and we talked about my smoking habits in the past, what worked, what didn't. We also talked about things for me to do differently. They are going to send me the nicotine patches for me to use (insurance gives me a deeply discounted rate - $15). In the meantime, I fear I will slip off this cart and buggy :help: . But if I do, I am getting right back on! I am sick and tired of this and once I get free, I will NEVER EVER go back to smoking EVER AGAIN. And yes, you can print this entry and tape it to my door to remind me!   Back to the psych eval -- I go back next Tuesday to get my "results", and will also see the nutritionist at the same time (also required by my insurance company). Once all that's done, the only thing left will be to write the letter to the Insurance company. I'm lousy at writing letters, and I dread this one thing most of all!
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

I'm Banded!!!!

I got my band 1/10/07 at 7:30am. I was home by 10:30. I am feeling good, only had to take some liquid hydrocodone twice. I've not had any gas yet, but I've been walking at least every hour for about 10 minutes. Up and down the driveway - we have a really long driveway. I'm up right now because I'm tired of sleeping. My back is sore from laying in bed so much, however, I still feel a little sleepy from the anesthesia. I got the 10cc Vanguard band so I'm going to do a little research on it. Will journal more later. Thanks for everyone's prayers -- I really felt them.
angelburch

angelburch

1
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