This would definitely be my word for the weekend. Perhaps its been the word of my life! I don't know how to fix it, other than to look at it with a fresh approach every day. Most of the time this is what gets me to my breaking points, where I want to look my best, do my best, feel my best, go for the "whatever it is that I never thought that I could reach before" goals, because it hurts me and challenges me to believe that I can be something better than this word has proven to be over the course of my life. If I could specify exactly what parts of my life has caused me to have such poor trust, I would. I cannot share it all. I cannot share in it's entirety, unfortunately. Perhaps that is my biggest problem, that I don't define the situations that have sent me so far against the word. Would I like to not have it crowd my mind? Would I like for it to know that it gets the best of me every single time it creeps in? YES. YES. When I look at myself in the mirror I see someone trying to survive. I have learned to be a lot more patient with the word. I have learned to be a lot more open minded as well. Will this change the way that I look at the word; how I define it still? NO. I pray daily for the strength to move forward. I ask my higher power to guide me when I am feeling lost and out of control regarding the word. I have gotten angry within the past two days. I have asked myself what I have done to claim the feelings I have, what I have done to be so destructive with the word towards myself and others? I want to 100% love myself again...I want to have no second thoughts, no fleeing desires. Just when I feel like I get there...when I feel like things are beginning to change it creeps up and most of the time I am vulnerable when it does. Then I begin the failure all over, of seeing myself reaching that point of opposition again! Wanting to write this tonight to allow myself to understand that it does get better, that my higher power will take me all the way to my desired destination, if I allow Him to. If I leave it all here with this entry and rest well knowing it's no longer as deep of a feeling as it used to be, that the more and more I admit it, claim it, face it, change it...the more and more I will heal and arrive at the place of longing I want to be. I am blessed. I am blessed to have the Holy Spirit come over me and comfort me and help me to see this word as a good....a great...a terrific thing. Please pray for me friends, as I seek wholeness. ~Missy~
Today was a good day. I got up and got ready for Church, had some cereal and took my vitamins. Picked up kids, taught Sunday School, participated in Worship time, led Jr. Church and drove the kids home. Was able to rest, get some laundry done, fellowship with a friend and her son and spend time with my husband. Tomorrow starts a busy week of VBS...looking forward to sharing the Gospel with many little lives! I did not over eat. I am going to bed happy Hoping this week will be times to get in some exercise, that the will to do it will be there often!
It's been a busy few weeks. The week before last, I was out at Camp Keystone in Starke, FL for our youth Junior Soldier Camp. I had a great week of walking and enjoying nature as well as getting a good meal 3x's a day with the choice of salad as a meal in itself or something to go along with my meal. I did well and ate what I knew I could and kept away from a lot of what I knew I couldn't. I was proud of myself as I began to take my Calcium Citrate pills again (for the first time in almost a year) that week and now I am able to take them faithfully! Last week I came home to my Day Camp Kids and felt so glad to be back. While I was away though I had many moments to think about what is going on with me and to admit some things. I kept reflecting on my "Desires". Coming back home I thought that I'd be ready to get right in there and go after those things that I wanna start focusing on...nope, it's actually a greater struggle. I have to pray often and consider what will help me change the mindset that I am stuck and can't move forward. It's almost as if I need someone to take me by the hand, grab my running shoes, put my buds in my ears and go until I sweat to death! Why do I need someone to do that for me when I was the one that got me to where I needed to be in the first place? Why do I need someone to challenge me to do something that I have always been able to do on my own? Why can't I get up and get motivated to go to the gym? Why can't I do all that on my own anymore? Why doesn't it matter as much as it had before? Why haven't I been able to make this a huge priority in my life anymore? I keep asking these questions and I know that I won't see the answers or the results until I am 100% completely ready. But here I am, I am at the point of desire to do something better for myself...to fight the struggle...to beat the wanna and just do it! I know that initially I had a wonderful support system; I had my team of Doctors, Surgeons, Nurses, Dieticians, therapists, friends and family. I now have an anxiety med, a great distance between my family (a sister that I moved here to be near and haven't seen in almost a year now due to her own life's circumstances) and almost a year and a half without working out when I had been doing it up to 75 minutes daily. Where is the joy that I had? Where's the love of a new life gone? I need it back!!! I need the desire back!!! I have had lots of time to process all of this and lately it has been heavy on my heart. I need to find the right person, the perfect scenery and make it to my destination...rejoicing together along the drive. So I pray tonight, I pray for the person God has planned just for me, the place to enjoy and the results to show the best I can possibly be. It is my desire, a strong, deep desire, to be back on track physically. I lay it at the altar Lord, I leave it before You...striving for Holiness, moving from the burden of the sin to accept staying where I'm at to the reality of what is right and what I need to do to feel better. Holiness is my desire...
All day I was in a slump...trying to figure out what my problem was. It wasn't until I got online earlier tonight and chatted with some wonderful people on Vertical Sleeve who have a lot in common, and I realized that is what I have missed, to talk with those who I can relate to and seek encouragement and advice from this site. I immediately felt a smile come across my face and a peace in my heart. I found my new beginning! I found where I need to wake up tomorrow and put my feet on the floor knowing where I am headed; my plans and goals and ideas...all to reach one destination, to be at my ideal goal weight. I am grateful for people who come into our lives and glad for God's leading to these people. I am definitely moving forward in the right direction, starting tonight! Thank you Lord! ~Missy~
