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Journey through WLS

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depression, big time

All of the sudden i feel so down and depressed. just have little energy to do anything. i have fought depression all my life and have come up with a myriad of habits to fight it, in addition to being on medication. i forced myself to go on a walk and that helped, then i read for a while, tried to enjoy eating one of my first pureed meals, and i did. i wasnt all that upset about how little there was either. i slept well but now i just feel like laying down and waiting for time to go to work. I cannot even focus on the plans for my vacation. they seem pointless. Nothing seems interesting. it doesnt help that my legs ache. i may have to resort to taking celebrex again. I feel like I need a jumpstart. I felt it begin last night but mildly, now it is of moderate strength and i need to deal with it before it builds like it did the last two winters.
aliekat55

aliekat55

4
 

day 2 post op

I was a new man. sure there was pain, but the usual muscle pain, stiffness and pinching from the surgery sites. nothing major. and i had a totaly clear head and lots of energy. i was ready to go! My doctor's appointment was at 9 then my flight left at 6.20. Lots of waiting, logged lots of laps, discovered many part of the hospital. i went anywhere i wanted and no one said anything. I was glad for the late flight so I did not have to worry about being late. I arrived at the airport three hours early and breezed through security, then the delays: one hour, two hours, another half hour. i left at 9. very tired. but surprisingly my mood was elevated, it seemed nothing could bring me down. alternated walking , sitting, texting, etc. an amazing thing was the smells. i had not noticed them before, just part of the background at an airport terminal.now i could almost taste the cinabuns, the wendy burgers and fries, etc. i did not have the urge to go get any and had way too much fear of even trying a lowly pea much less anything bigger, but it was like my nose had suddenly come alive. after a while it became irritating for i would forget about food and then the smells would remind me and who needs that? BTW-- this has continued, i can smell things so much more intensely, at home at the office.   When i finaly arrived home it was midnight and I went to a quick sleep. i usually have a hard time getting to sleep, not this day.
aliekat55

aliekat55

3
 

pre op nsv

I did not expect this. in learning to eat differently for my post sleeve life, i have evidently decreased my intake even more than i expected and have lost some weight. big deal, everyone here can lose weight, however today when i went hiking in the wilds of northern minnesota my gymn shorts kept slipping down. WTF? I have not had that happen to me in years and i was much lighter then. Perhaps the elastic has worn down, but it felt good anyway. I am heading to my surgery with a full head of steam, aiming to make the most of it right from the start. ten days to go. My daughter is getting married tomorrow and there are all sorts of people here, family people. the same ones that I tend to eat over. but so far i still have little interest in food. very strange, very welcome. We fly back on Sunday and i can get into the security of my routine until surgery. I have told a few chosen people and they have all been highly supportive. perhaps I need to expand my inclusion list.
aliekat55

aliekat55

3
 

No Pump for me

During my visit with my surgeon, I discovered that they dont do the morphine pump. I had not even asked for I have had many orthopedic disasters and can generaly deal with pain. however, on Youtube so many patients are pressing the pump and even stay awake to press it regularly. I dont know what to make of it. this doctor says that he can manage the pain with either oral or IM meds--of course that means waiting for the nurse to bring the shot or pill. I guess I will find out if I really have the high pain threshold I think i have. My wife has become my biggest supporter. I had blogged that I wasn't clear whether she approved or not, but in the last few days either she has come to terms with it or it is now clearer. An amazing transformation, she comes up with ideas, I can tell her about my anxieties. She does keep asking about adverse events and perhaps that is on her mind. I told her that the life insurance was all paid up but somehow that did not ease her mind. alex
aliekat55

aliekat55

9
 

FITBIT et al

I got myself a fitbit yesterday. A friend had a Nike product and i loved the idea that it would track my daily routines and I could see how much i was really exerting myself. with food we can count calories, carbs, whatever but with exercise it is harder to quantify. I researched it and these seem to be quite accurate, certainly consistent so I can compare day to day how active I really am. I am really good at fooling myself into thinking i ate less than I really did, or worked out more. Of the three products fitbit, jawbone and Nike/apple I like the nike best except that it did not monitor sleep. Since i have always had trouble with sleep i picked up the fitbit and besides it was $50 cheaper. For those of you interested, it was dead easy to set up and gives me exactly the feedback i want. It syncs with an iphone easily. it is supposed to sync with MFP but i have not managed to figure than out yet. I love to work out so i use it as motivation to do more, for those people that hate working out I could see this being a great tool to keep yourself honest.   I am two weeks away, actually minus 5 hours, but who is counting? Being a doctor I am mostly concerned about the complications, well actually just about leaks, the others I deal with on a regular basis and perhaps irrationally feel i can control. But a leak is such a difficult situation, particularly since I am self pay. the chances are slim, i know and the chances of a bad one are even slimmer. Nevertheless the path I am on is unsustainable, so no regrets, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. I a starting to tell the people closest to me. My daughters are supportive, my wife becoming indispensably so. I will tell a few coworkers this week, my mother (not ever?). For some reason this past week has been easy food wise, i am not particularly attracted to it and have managed to stay well below my goals, with only some mild head hunger before bedtime. Of course now i head into the fast dangerous rapids of the preop liquid diet. I intend to follow directions even though my research does not support this (IMHO it is silly) liquid diet before the surgery. Sure people do well with a 5%-10% weight loss prior to surgery, irregardless of how it is accomplished. I have already lost over 12% and am still losing even prior to the liquid diet. In my cynical days i wonder how much of a money maker it is for them and whether that colors their decision. But i do not want to think bad thoughts about the surgeon who will be operating on me, so i hush that cynic, probably until i am well past the recovery. Probably by then if successful i wont care so much.   By the way, did I mention my daughter is getting married this saturday? that I have to travel 1200 miles to get there? No matter, I plan to practice my new life, focus on the fun, the people, the activities, not on the food. Kind of like a dress rehearsal.
aliekat55

aliekat55

2
 

practicing eating small and slow

My NUT told me that a good bite was the size of a pencil eraser and I have been studiously working at making every bite that small. Hard to do, I always felt like one of those dogs that inhaled the food, I could not get it in fast enough. Interestingly, although it took much conscious effort, it is becoming much more natural to eat tiny little bits. when I saw others eating and saw the size of what they put in their mouths I was aghast! was that me in the past? the twenty chews still needs work but I am close. I need much work on the timing between bites. I need to learn to pause. However, the effect it has already had on me is dramatic. My stomach has time to tell my brain it is full, I rarely get that horrible pain from overeating. I feel satisfied easier with much less food. So far I am continuing to lose prior to the liquid diet. They want 12 more pounds lost by surgery date, my plan (shhhh dont tell) is to lose a good portion of that prior to the start of the liquid diet and shorten the period of time I take the Optifast. I have already lost 30 pounds in preparation for the surgery! The research regarding the preop weight loss indicates that 5% of body weight helps a lot, I am already over 10% lost. OF course if i gain weight over then next week I will do the full two weeks of Optifast, but I am quite motivated. I figure 12 pounds is 12 pounds, it does not matter how it came off.   BTW- it is amazing to me that my dear wife of 36yrs who has seen me struggle with food all my adult life ( since we met 39 years ago) still suggests things that are so unhelpful. I know she is one of the chosen few that can keep her weight within a few pounds of goal with very little effort, but suggesting that one day of overeating ( at a party one week prior to surgery) can't hurt, is rather unenlightened ( sounds better than dimwitted).
aliekat55

aliekat55

2
 

business dinner

I went to an upscale restaurant yesterday for work.quite a challenge. but I looked at the menu online ahead of time and decided on what to get. I managed to slow my eating even while keeping up my part of the conversation going. I finished at the same time my wife did! unheard off, for she eats very slow! I came close to ordering dessert but avoided it. overall a good experience and practice. My next business related meal is two weeks after my sleeve and there will be thirty plus people to see what I eat. I will be on pureed foods then, how to finesse that? alex
aliekat55

aliekat55

7
 

Met Surgeon

Well, after so much waiting and anticipation I finally made the trip to Charlotte where my surgeon is. On the night before the flight it hits me what a major ordeal this is, not the surgery but the flying an hour away (baltimore) to have surgery by someone i have not met. I could not have had a better experience though. I met one of his staff people in the elevator going up to the third floor and she was so pleasant from the start. I met several of his staff, all wonderful. I loved the nutritionist because she is like me, footed in practicality. I learned so much ,even though I have been researching like mad the past months. The doctor (Heider) inspired confidence and was personable, not all surgeons are that way. I have no remaining concerns about the technical aspects. I had been worried about the liquid diet but the nutritionist helped and it doesnt seem so bad. I have been through worse. I am old and tired of being run by the nose by food. There were so many people that were kind and helpful, from the check in desk at the hospital to the nurse at the preop center to the blood drawer. I do not think i had a bad experience. except for the flight home that was delayed a few hours. that said, I did get to witness two amazing things. I was sitting doing some surfing and one second I look up to see the plane had not arrived, the next I see a wall of water blowing in and within seconds the visibility went from unlimited to a few hundred feet! Quite an awesome event. then when the storm passed by there was a rainbow, no two rainbows--one of those rare doubles. Dont get to see many of them. It hung around for nearly an hour. Very cool. I remember reading that they are inverted, that is the colors are reversed on them, and sure enough they are. I am excited and ready and the only thing I have been worrying over is how much to share with people and when. being in the public eye in my little corner of the world, this is a bigger decision than simply telling a few people. Also deciding what to tell my mother. I do not expect any support from there and since she lives in texas I can let it slide until I am comfortable with my new habits. who knows. One thing--note to self--time to stop the obsession with the research and get back to normal living.   IN the great Karma department---I was sitting in the waiting room when this man and his wife sat ahead of me. I instantly recognized him as someone on this forum who had surgery the week before by the same doctor. I only debated whether to say something for a few moments, figuring that if he put his picture out there he was ok with people recognizing him. I had actually sent him a couple of mesages during his surgery. So I talked to him and he was shocked as i was that we ran into each other. we had a few minutes to chat and exchange contact info.
aliekat55

aliekat55

2
 

op day

I arrived full of energy and anticipation. the people were delightful and the prep-op went well. I dont remember them giving me anything to go to sleep, all of the sudden i was in my room and lots of questions: are you in pain, are you nauseated? over and over. I had pain but little nausea. I did not want to open my eyes for a long time, not sure why. when the anesthesia wore off more, the pain increased significantly and they gave me morphine which did not help all that much but muddled my already aging brain. I found it impossible to send a short text message to my wife. Finally they changed the medicine to dilaudid and wow; i was alive again. still in pain, a bit muddled but i could focus on my situation. I did have a drain in, which did not hurt but the ball creating suction kept gettting in my way. No matter how i asked for them to pin it in front so i would not lay on it they would pin it at my side. I guess they did not realize that the sight of blood, mine or others does not affect me anymore. that night was the worst. Sleep was not hard to come by but staying asleep is nearly impossible with all the demands the hospital has to check vitals, sugars, pain management. it seemed that I was beign woken up every few minutes. I held on thinking that i just had to get to the second day and all would be well...
aliekat55

aliekat55

0
 

day 1 post op

I finally woke for the final time around 6 in the morning, i was still tired but after being woken up every few hours and the sun streaming in, it was hopeless. the pain still dominated my thinking but only for the 10-15 minutes it took them to get it when i requested it. I found it amazingly easy to remember the time it was due. I learned the hard way that if i told them my pain was better they backed off the medicine--not good procedure. my worry now was being discharged. i felt in no way ready to go and was really worried. then i receive a call from my hotel that one of their watermains broke and they had no room for me! I had no transportation either. by mid afternoon i realized that although i would survive the night by myself i was in no position to find a hotel and transport myself back and forth. but the doctor was great, he had no issues with one more night at the hospital. He reasured me that i was doing about average, nomatter that the lady next door had felt marvelous immediately after the surgery.( young people!) He stated that about 48 hours it all turns around. And he was right, about 40 hours into this adventure the intensity of pain eased considerably. and if not for the interuptions of sleep would have had a great night. all throughout this i forced myself to walk, and walk, to the point the nurses were constantly surprised. i logged far more laps than anyone else there at the time. but I think that this association of walking easing the pain is wrong, totally wrong. I noticed no improvement at all except the walking made me more tired. The doc himself said that the pain is probably a mix of gas, streched abdominal fibers and all the damage they do inside. afterall they do cut and burn things. this gas thing is interesting and I cannot see why walking would help. the gas that they put in is not in the bowel but trapped in the belly. certainly blowing off carbon dioxide should help remove it, but that is much better accomplished with breathing exercises. Duh!! Why did i not think of this last week? But the biggest thing was the remorse of putting myself though all this. how could i have been so short sighted? nevertheless as soon as the pain eased up and i did not need the narcotics then my head cleared and i was back on track. of course i needed this done! i had done my homework and it all made sense.
aliekat55

aliekat55

0
 

day 11 update

So i am into double digits post op and overall i can say the surgery was a roaring success! I have not felt any complaints from my stomach in days, either inside or on the surface. I am still not hungry and schedule my shakes and liquids. it remains a novel experience not to feel hunger and certainly not to think of what i am eating or not eating. More than strange it is totally alien. I have lost 55 pounds since i made the first call to schedule an appointment with the doctor. I am at my lowest weight in six years and close to my record in decades ( 9 pounds). I had decided not to weight myself so i would not see any stalls but it has turned out to be much harder than i anticipated. I went through alot to get this done and not to look for the fruits of the effort is very difficult. And as long as each day the news is good it gets harder not to keep looking. I am determined however to stop once this initial honeymoon phase is over. Then i am aiming for a monthly weigh in but doubt i will make it that long. I am also worried that as soon as i start eating food again it will trigger the old standby desire to eat too much. I have been able to eat greek yogurt slowly but when i tried applesauce it felt different, fuller and uncomfortable. Also the appleasauce was not particularly tasty, had no sweetness. so i will add some equal to it or leave it alone. sometime soon i will try pureed food. i am not feeling in a hurry at this moment. I have chosen my first meal. New England Clam Chowder, nice and pureed. perhaps 1/4 cup. I made pudding yesterday and forgot to try it! how is that ever possible? even when i thought of it, i felt too full to taste it. I wonder how long before I am out of risk for a leak?
aliekat55

aliekat55

0
 

Mom is visiting

My mom is visiting from San Antonio and although I look forward to these times they are stressful. my interest in food skyrockets when she is around. At this point in my life i know it is not her doing but my own internal associations. I have worked on this for decades and manage not to eat but my head is constantly fighting me. I remember the first time I went to visit and gained no weight that was a victory. It is harder when she is here for she usually stays a couple of weeks and her mood can fluctuate from pleasant to difficult to get along. So far I have almost made it 20 hours and sticking with my pre surgery food intake.   On the surgery front, I will fly out to NC in 23 days! I think that for us older folk ( i am 57) the decision to have the surgery is not as challenging for we know the other option is worse due to either existing or impending health issues. The risk of surgery is nothing compared to the very signficant issues that are worsening--arthritis, back and foot pain, constant fatigue and weakness, bum knee. Plus the risk of diabetes and heart disease are not theoretical as they can be for a thirty year old but quite real and imminent. I see the surgery as a welcome way out of the downward spiral my life has been in for years. I have even given myself many dope slaps for not getting on the ball sooner. What was I thinking? I could have been a contender! alex
aliekat55

aliekat55

0
 

nearly one month out- first goal met

it is day 27 post op and I am under 100KG (220 for the non metric amongst you). it is significant because although i got close once ten years ago i never made it into double digits. it is the lowest i have been in 30 years. My mind cannot catch up with the reality, i still see myself the old way even while people are shocked at the change. part of it is that it is hard to believe I am here and that it will not go away like it always has. Nevertheless, it is of interest that i am not as small as i was ten years ago when i got close to 100KG, back then i was much fitter and was lifting weights, so for the same weight i was one size smaller (38 pants instead of 40). I guess while i think about it i have already reached another goal which was to get the weight off my bum knee so i can exercise more. I havent had trouble with the knee for weeks. Although i lost much of the weight (43 pounds) pre op, it was all due to the VSG, the education, the preparation, the anticipation. Before i started this path i was on an uphill course. IT has been a very tough road with some difficult days. i am only now getting more energy than i had before.
aliekat55

aliekat55

0
 

liquid diet

Only four more days of this liquid diet. hasnt been too hard until today. for some reason it feels much more difficult. fortunately it is the end of the day and If i can get to sleep I should be ok until tomorrow evening. I am not even worried about sunday for the anticipation should hold me so i really only have three days, tomorow being the hardest apart from fri and sat of course. it did help to see that I dropped two pounds in two days. I will weight myself either friday or sat morning. I expect to be at goal for surgery if I can hold on. The coffee is raising my calories each day and i had two potfulls today, that is 100 calories. but it kept me from eating. I have had my last normal meal ever--five days ago. On Holly's wedding day, actually much before that becasue i was watching my food so carefully. I dont miss it much yet. My knee already feels better and i am only down 35 pounds. I cant imagine what it will feel like to lose another 70. I anticipate surgery being easy. after all i have been through, i will be surprised if it isnt. the pain will be interesting, some people have almost none some stay awake to press the morphine drip. Odd.
aliekat55

aliekat55

0
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