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Free cookie

I was on my way to the gym yesterday and the weather had turned unexpectedly cold and rainy. I didn't have a jacket on, was only wearing a dress with a thin sweater over it and I was FREEZING. I had a bit of time to kill before my class so I decided to make a quick stop at a local coffee shop to warm up. I ordered a tea and because I was starving...a cookie. I know....why am I eating cookies? But this was a very small shop, they had nothing else and I decided to have it. Anyway, the guy at the counter said that he could give me a broken one for free and I said "hey it's still a cookie, right"? So I paid for the tea and then sat down to warm up a bit. After a few minutes, I hear the guy at the counter say my name. I looked up a bit surprised and he told me that his sister shared the same name. i couldn't figure out how he knew my name in the first place and I think I looked pretty funny looking at him and then looking down at myself to figure out where he'd read it. It turned out that I still had my work badge on, it was peeking out from under the sweater and that he could see it. When I finally put two and two together, I laughed slightly and said "I couldn't figure out how you knew that". He smiled and said that he didn't mean to creep me out and I smiled back and said that he hadn't. I wasn't sure if he was flirting or not...maybe he was a little. Normally, this is where I would freeze up and immediately go back to my tea without engaging but I took a breath, and made myself stay in the moment. We talked for a few minutes about the name thing and then I went back to finishing my tea and he went back to preparing to close the shop. Ten minutes later, it was time for me to head out so I said....thanks for the tea and cookie...and he said, you're welcome...have a good night...Petunia, with a smile. I looked back and smiled, waved and left.   The whole thing made me realize how little experience I have with men being flirtatious. Intellectually, I know that men rarely talk to a woman without some idea of flirtation, I've learned that from my guy friends many, many times. And I know that when I was heavier, incidents like the one in the coffee shop almost never happend to me. So while he could have just been being friendly, it's more than likely that he was also being mildly flirtatious, but in a nice, chilled out, unscary way which is still fairly foreign to me. I can more easily believe that he was just being friendly because...why would anyone flirt with me? But I know that's self-defeating talk....there's no reason to believe that some portion of the male population won't find me attractive. And the longer I stay stuck in the idea that no one would be interested...the longer I'll stay single and lonely. So I'm proud of myself for not clamming up yesterday and for remaining open to the interaction. It didn't have to "go anywhere" but I think that if I stay open, then someday, it will "go somewhere" and I'll meet a nice guy. I'll forgive myself the cookie that brought that lesson with it
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Hot guy talked to me in a bar and I freaked out

Ok, so...I'm putting it out there...I am not experienced when it comes to love and romance. I've never had a boyfriend and I've only been properly kissed once...by a super hot guy in a band that I won a Valentine's Day date with. I've always been insecure about my weight...positive that no one would be ever be interested in someone has big as me. Over the years, there have been a few (just a few) guys who have tried to penetrate that brick wall that I've got up but no one really put in much effort, which played into my insecurities.   Now, 80lbs down, things are slightly different. I'm not getting hit on all of the time but I have definitely noticed more attention and there have been a couple of guys at work that have gone out of their way to try and say hello, despite my complete indifference. I've mostly just ben confused by the attention...I may weigh less but I still know what's going on under my clothes, and it's not pretty....I'm thinking that no matter how interested they are, that interest will wane fast as soon as things get intimate. So, I'm being exposed to this whole new world of male attention and I'm completely clueless as to how I am supposed to react to it.   The other night, I was at a gay bar with friends (some were gay, some were not, including me), and I casually remarked to them that there was a REALLY hot guy who just walked in. I have pretty good gaydar and this guy didn't seem gay but I asked my gay male friend, and he said "sure he is", so that was the end of that. Besides, I often make remarks about guys I find attractive to friends, just to fit in, I want to come off as normal as possible, I'd die if they knew just how inexperienced I am. So I made my comment and then promptly forgot about it. Twenty mintutes later, one of my other (very drunk) friends, taps me on the shoulder and she has this cute guy in tow. She says "I asked him if he was gay and he said he wasn't and I told him you thought he was cute, so here he is". I was floored to say the least. I mean, i'd been drinking but I was NOWHERE near as drunk as I needed to be to handle this situation. But I did start talking to this guy who was hot, Iike seriously unbelievably hot with this amazing body. And the whole time, I am nervous and freaking out. So it turns out that he was visiting for the weekend from Indiana and he was staying with 2 gay friends (who could not be staring more intently during this conversation). I'm responding back but getting more and more freaked out y the moment. Suddenly, there was a lull in the conversation and I sort of took the opportunity to drift back to my friends. Who then proceeded to berate me about why I was talking to them and not this hot guy! I looked over and he was talking to another friend of mine who is tiny, like a size 4. So I thought, of course, that's the natural order of things and now the pressure is off, he's talking to another straight girl in the bar that is much more likely to be his type. But my friends still wouldn't let up on me. At some point, hot guy talks to me again and asks what our plans are after this bar. i tell him I have no idea, that people are just now sorting out where they'd like to go. He tells me he and his friends are going to some club and asks if he'll see me there. I tell him I don't know, I have to see what my friends are thinking. So I turn to them and they completely nix the idea of going to this club, all while pressuring me to "make something happen" with this guy, either go with him and his friends (who I seriously thought did not think I was good enough for their hot friend) or give him my number and tell him to call me. The more they pressure me, the further I shut down, it's as if every insecurity, every bad thought I've had about myself, my size, my looks, everything caves in at once. I'm in full-scale meltdown mode. The hot guy turns to me one more time before they leave and asks if he will see me at this club and I say maybe even though everything inside of me is screaming "hell no!". And then he is gone.   My friends immediately start in on me "what was wrong with me...that guy was hot! Why didn't I pursue it more, etc. etc." I was mortified, embarrassed, confused about what they thought I was supposed to do, just...everything. Part of me couldn't believe this guy even talked to me....that he didn't run away screaming when my drunk friend pointed me out as the one that had made the comment. I may have lost some weight but I am NOT skinny, thin, just a little chubby, or any of those things. I am still a big girl, compliments aside. Now i am a big girl with a melting body...nothing is where it should be and while I can deal with it in clothes, I can only dream of a day when I get to goal and can get some plastic surgery to fix this....situation. But the contradiction is that yeah, I am lonely, and yeah, I'd love a boyfriend, or even love to make out with someone super attractive who I never thought would be interested in me, ever. But I have no idea about how to get from point A to point B.   I read the message boards and I feel like I am the only person in this predicament...everyone else seems to be married or have an SO or are dating...and don't seem to have these problems. Am I the only fat girl out there who is this insecure? And what the hell was going on with that guy? Was he talking to me because he thought I might be the only straight girl in this bar's radius? Was he just being friendly because he's from indiana and that's how people are outside of the big city? Was he going to lure me to this club only to have a bucket of pig's blood dumped on my head like the movie "Carrie"?   How am I supposed to deal with stuff that I should have learned years ago but didn't because I let my weight and appearance stunt my emotional maturity??
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Coming to terms

This is my first blog entry, despite having been banded for about 18 months now. I had imagined that 18 months after surgery, I would be as skinny as I ever wanted to be and would be enjoying everything I imagined that life contained. I'd be happy, I'd have found someone to share my life with. I might even be pregnant. Well, unfortunately, none of that has happened. But this isn't going to be a "Debbie Downer" post, it's actually a hopeful one!   The thing no one tells you, or more accurately, that everyone tells you but you either can't or won't hear it, is that a band alone will not make you thin. It won't solve the reasons you got so big in the first place and it won't get you to exercise. What it can do is change the amount of food you eat. That change helped me lose about 65 lbs. Some people might think that 65 lbs in 18 months isn't much (I'm sort of one of the people) but knowing that instead of being over 300 lbs now (where I was surely headed), I've not only maintained more than 50lbs off for a year and recently lost another 10, means that I have accomplished something I thought was impossible pre-band. So, despite a few minor issues, I'm THRILLED to have been banded and am now coming to the realization that the band has taken me as far as it can on it's own. Now I have to take it the rest of the way.   The good news is that the past month or so has led me to believe that I can. Simply put, I got back on a heathier eating track. Instead of eating anything I want, just in smaller portions and drinking whatever I want, I've gotten to a point where I am eating like someone who wants to keep losing weight. That's not to say I am where I need to be...in fact, I have spent the better part of this weekend figuring out why the first 7 lbs lost since I recommitted to weight loss fell off and the last 3 have been a battle. But I think I have figured that out and am now ready to march forward towards that weight loss goal again. It's going to be a hard journey, I'm not fooling myself about that...and I will struggle every day and fall, probably alot. But I am looking forward to getting back on the horse and keep at it until I get to where I want to be. Hopefully, in another 18 months, I'll be there, but if not, I at least hope to still be trying. This is a journey, not a race and I'm ready to take another fork in the road.
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Hard couple of days

This week has been extremely challenging....I'm really stressing out about how unprepared I feel for this upcoming trip and as a result, my eating is all over the place. It's all the wrong foods, far too much snacking...a lot of poor choices. It's crazy how quickly you can swing from eating almost perfectly to finding yourself putting things in your mouth for no good reason. I find that I don't even enjoy the taste of most of the things I am eating anymore...the last thing I really enjoyed and which made me feel good was some really high-quality, excellent dark Mexican chocolate given to me by a friend which i waited a day to eat because I was low-carbing it the day before. Not only did I enjoy the experience of eating it but it gave me a happy feeling, there was a spring in my step about an hour later and I couldn't figured out until I remembered the chocolate! And I felt happy because I thought...how great is it that I can feel this happy after only a 1/3 of a chocolate bar! Well worth the calories/changing body chemistry/or whatever else.   But all of this other junk food has not given me the same spring. It's just stress-eating and it's unsatisfying and doesn't solve anything. Ugh. My coworkers keep telling me that I should take snacks from the office to India with me for times when I am hungry and there is nothing safe to eat. But I don't want to...not sure those snacks will even make it to India...scared I'd eat them on the way to the airport and feel sick about it. I'm only going for 2 weeks...no one has ever starved to death in 2 weeks. And there'll be plenty to eat in Thailand.   I'm glad I started this blog because it does give me a place to work out these issues and see where I am at different stages and realize that just because I'm happy about 219.8 one day (now 220.8) doesn't mean I've won the war. Still a lot of head work to be done here.
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100lbs down! But still fat.

I'm a 100 lbs down...give or take...scale this morning said 191.8. I'm on a 30 day food challenge and I know I will be down over 100lbs by the end of it so I feel confident in saying it. 100lbs! That's a whole person. There are girls out there who weigh a 100lbs. Cra-zee! I'm happy about it, I am...it's huge progress and I've gotten tons of compliments and I know I look so much better than I used to. But when I face that mirror....I also realize....I'm still fat. Still have so much more weight to lose. It's frustrating and daunting to think about all of the work I have put in and how much I still have to put in now and for the rest of my life. I know it's about the journey and not about the destination but I want the journey to be over already. Coming to the "still fat" realization means facing how delusional I was in the past...looking at myself and thinking "Not that bad". It was that bad! However, I am grateful that I jumped through all of the hoops, made all of the sacrifices and learned what I have learned to get here. And now I just have to believe that I can make it the rest of the way. And if I don't believe it, I have to act as if I do.   Next short term goal....25lbs by end of year. With a few cheat days right after this 30 day challenge just to maintain some sanity and remind myself that bad food isn't that good!
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7
 

Chasing down the elusive 100lbs lost.....

So I got to the point where my scale at home pretty consistently says I've reached Onderland.....somewhere between 197-199 depending on how I've eaten and how much alcohol I've had. In one of my previous posts, I said I couldn't wait to get to that point and that I would savor it. Did I? No, not really. Mostly because I didn't really believe it at first. I figured it was due to water fluctuations or whatever other excuses I came up for myself. For what it's worth, the medical scale at my gym is still says 203 lbs, with gym clothes on. Maybe I'll believe it when that scale doesn't require me to move the heavy bar to 200...but either way, it doesn't really matter, I realize the number is rather arbitrary...it's more about how I look and feel. Which makes it rather ironic that I'm now really interested in this idea that I can get to 192lbs and that would represent 100lbs lost. I don't know how I will feel then....but I do know that 100lbs lost is a big accomplishment. I hope I let myself enjoy THAT milestone.   On the NSV front, something that I don't notice must have changed about my appearance because both my mother and grandmother went on and on about how I'm nearly unrecognizable. I don't see my grandmother that often, the last time was at Christmas so I guess I can buy that I look different than I did then. But my mom? I'd seen her about 3 weeks before. A few other people have made comments so I guess I have no choice but to believe that I somehow look different but I honestly cannot see any tremendous change in the way I looked 2 months ago and the last time I saw my mom. The scale isn't really giving me any answers, I have seriously only lost maybe 2-3 pounds between mom visits. But I had been religiously going to my Crossfit class 2x a week so maybe I traded some fat loss for muscle gain which would account for the scale not really moving but having some sort of change in my appearance. I don't know. I guess I should just accept it but the mental gymnastics this weight loss thing requires is much more complicated than I'd anticipated. My dad has been away since March and is coming back next month and apparently my grandmother told him about my supposed grand transformation. Gee thanks, no pressure there, grandma! Not to say that my dad won't think I look different but I'm nervous that he'll be expecting me to look a certain way and I won't meet that expectation. I'm 5'4.....I still have a good 60lbs to go to get to a normal range and personally, I'd like to lose another 75lbs. I know my weight has been a family conversation for years but usually I'm not privy to them as I had asked everyone to back off a long time ago. Being the center of the conversation again, even on the positive side is not pleasant.   So this post is a bit whiny (people are saying I've lost weight and look good....wah!) so I'll end with something a bit more upbeat. I'm planning on visiting my friend in Naples, Italy in November and she's a photographer. I've seen her take amazing pictures of people and make everyone look good and I asked her to shoot me but when I last visited her (3 years ago), she couldn't point the camera at me in anyway without me feeling uncomfortable. But this time I'm at my lowest weight ever and I look forward to getting some good pictures out of her so it's a good incentive to stick to my diet as much as possible and get some amazing pics out of the deal. Dieting for a photo shoot....how far I have come
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Keeping up the good fight.....

I can't believe it's been 5 months since my last blog entry...thought I'd be better about keeping it up. So...I didn't starve in India....in fact I may have lost a pound or so. That mostly vegetarian diet started doing my head in though....I am not meant to give up meat!   It's cute to see me so excited about weighing 219.8 in a previous entry. I'm glad I got there and enjoyed that moment but I realize now that it's still so far from "normal". I made it down to about 213 and then got stuck again. Holiday season and general job stress kept me there for months. While in India, a coworker told me about her sister-in-law who was trying a new workout method....Crossfit. Everything she told me about it sounded like what i needed.....group classes where the coach actually got to know you and paid attention to your workouts, a combination of strength as well as metabolic conditioning exercises, a gym that emphasizes community, not just impersonally walking on a treadmill for an hour. It took me a few months after coming back to check it out but I took their Foundations class and liked it so much, I signed up for the 2x a week plan. I would eventually like to get up to 3x or even 4x a week, but Crossfit isn't your typical workout and when you were/are as out of shape as I am, you have to build up skills and strength before going whole hog. Work has been so stressful lately (which also isn't helping my weight loss) that I struggle to make it 2x a week (their beginner classes are only offered on Tuesdays and Thursdays) but the more I go, the more I enjoy so I plan to keep at it.   Crossfit makes you painfully aware of how unfit you are and it also made me painfully aware that one of the ways I was going to get better at it , besides consistently attending class, was to lose weight. Funny how that's been my endeavor for my whole life and a bigger focus in the last 2 years but it took taking on a very physically demanding workout to really make that fact stand out. I started dieting again this week....a very strict and challenging diet...and immediately lost 5 lbs this week. I know that some of that is just water weight but my snug size 16 Lane Bryants from November started to feel loose this week. I caught myself hiking them up a couple of times and seeing some extra material around the thigh area. Signs of progress but....I still ended up slipping this weekend and eating forbidden junk food and sweets. I'm lucky to work somewhere where there are healthy prepared food choices 5 days a week, making it much easier to follow this plan but clearly, I am unprepared for weekends. And as I am actively looking for another job, once I lose access to their food, will I slip again?   A friend of mine has been posting blast from the past pictures this week from a time when we were spending a lot of time together. I didn't let a lot of pictures get taken of me at my largest but somehow, she got quite a few shots in. It's shocking to see how big I was....and walking around like I wasn't! Was it confidence? Or complete denial? I think the latter. And while they are tough pictures to look at, they make me proud too....I'm glad I didn't shut myself off from living....even at my largest, I was out there grooving on the dance floor, going to weddings and concerts, and enjoying life. And I'm also happy that I don't look like that anymore...they are a good reminder of the progress I have made. So even when I see myself now and know I still have so far to go....there's photographic evidence of how far I have come as well. Here's to keeping up the good fight....no matter how long it takes.   To sum up this blog entry....weight - somewhere around 207-208 (depending on the time of day), mood - unsure if I can keep eating the way that will truly take me to goal. But looking forward to Crossfit which represents progress.
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I don't even like to shop!

Had a business trip to Chicago last week and figured I'd better run into Lane Bryant for a few new camisoles. But the Manhattan location is closed! Now what???? I made do with what I have by way of wardrobe for the trip and figured I'd have to find another location or visit another plus sized store for some summer outfits. When I returned on Saturday, I happened to be in Union Square and stopped off in Nordstrom Rack, thinking they might have a small plus sized section I could look through. But they didn't. On a lark, I picked up a few XL and size 16 items to try on from regular lines, just to gauge how far off I am from being able to fit into those sizes. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that some of it fit! Not all of it...quite a few items were still a bit too small or ill-fitting, but even those items weren't too far off. I am basically a hair away from being a size 16! In regular sizes, not plus sizes. I was actually able to zip up an Ann Taylor dress. Unthinkable!   I've written about vanity sizing before so I know that the new size 16 isn't what it used to be but still....to be able to walk into Nordstrom Rack and shop like a regular person, to not have to find a "special" store to even begin to hope to find something that fits? That's HUGE to me. it definitely gives me motivation to be even more diligent about my diet and to continue eating as clean as possible.   Onederland is not that far out of sight....I know it's an arbitrary number but the day I see a 1 in front of my weight instead of a 2...wow...I will work hard to cherish that moment.
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Sizing out of Lane Bryant?

Wow, this weight loss ride is a trip. So I have had some SV and NSV since my last blog post and I can hardly wrap my head around them!   1. SV - my scale said 219.8 this morning. WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY??? I can NOT remember the last time I weighed anything like that. 219.8??? I remember when my goal was 250. Then I got stuck at 238 for like...a year! Then my goal was 225. But 219 is a number I never even dared hope for. Crazy. HOWEVER...still have a lot of work to do. I need to start exercising in earnest. Long walks are nice but it's not where it needs to be yet. But I'll beat myself up over that some other time....219.8!   2. A guy in my office left on a months long business trip in June. Before he left, we had drinks and all he talked about was "hot chicks". Now....I'm not interested in this guy in a romantic way, but still...it was clear that I was NOT being included in that classification. I sort of vowed that I'd lose some weight while he was gone..."I'll show him!" At first, I wasn't doing the work and thought...this will be yet another time I DON'T lose weight. But then I recommitted. He's back now and we made plans for catch-up drinks. As we were finalizing, he said "have you changed your hair?" (that old saw ) I said no and then...he gave me the old up and down eye scan! This is a new one to me...I've seen guys do it to other women...the "ok, you've got a pretty face but what does the rest of you look like?" But I've rarely had it happen to me. But today, it happened! He said that he wasn't sure what was different (really?) but that it was "working for me". Doesn't exactly make me a "hot chick" but a step in the right direction! I'm not one to judge my all of my efforts by male reactions but darn it if I didn't feel a sense of accomplishment all the same! Speaking of male reaction, I think as my confidence has grown, my radar is much more attuned. I'm noticing more male attention. Not to say it's all due to 20 or so lbs...more likely, I wasn't paying attention before because of low self-confidence. But I'M reacting differently now...not averting my gaze, letting my own looks linger a bit. Great NSV there. I hope to get to the point where I don't bolt for the hills when some guy tries to make a connection.   3. Halloween hooray! I wore a cute costume for the first time ever with calf hugging boots for the first time ever. Nice! And I didn't hate myself in the pictures....even nicer! Not hating myself in pics is DEFINITELY an NSV. I aspire to actually like myself in pics someday!   4. Oh yeah, the title of my post! I went to Lane Bryant for some winter clothes and....their 1x shirts were looking a little big. :w00t: I skeptically took a pair of size 16 jeans, their lowest size into the dressing room...and they fit snugly, not tight, snug, the way jeans are supposed to fit. That was last week...now they are a bit loose in the thigh. I found a Venezia size 1 jeans on sale for $3.99 and I have no idea what size they are supposed to be but they looked *small*. This morning, I was able to button and zip. Not yet ready for primetime but maybe by end of year if all goes well? Now I know that Lane Bryant's vanity sizing has gotten out of hand but I am MORE than ready to leave that store behind. Now into Old Navy XXL which is AWESOME because it means that I can run into any Old Navy and buy some clothes just because I forgot to pack something (travel a lot for business) or because they have something I like. Yippee!   Next comes a challenge...a business trip for 3 weeks to India and Thailand. My medical doctor has warned me....no veggies, salad, fruit...basically nothing that has been washed in water in India under any circumstances unless I want to get violently ill. He actually said..stick to curries and fried things. You would think I'd be looking forward to it but I'm not really. Not that I'm some vegetable lover all of a sudden but also not looking forward to going backwards. But I have learned a few tricks in the last few weeks...like only eating enough to stop hunger and not a bite more. Pushing the plate away with enough food for another 2 meals has gotten MUCH easier. I don't really care what others think about it anymore, and I don't feel guilty for "wasting" food. So hoping to at least "hold steady" by keeping portions small. Won't worry too much about not getting in enough calories or macronutrients, or eating "too much"...I'll live. Onward!
petuniap

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