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Fighting myself - nearly 12 weeks postop

Well, as I approach 12 weeks post op I am struggling with my looks. I have lost about 50 lbs since the surgery and certainly my body is changing. I have been swimming and walking all summer but I haven't really hit the gym.   Two theories I have about my displeasure with my current body: 1) When I weighted nearly 300 lbs I had totally given up. I didn't look at myself in the mirror at all and I didn't care that I had to wear tents for clothes. Now I look in the mirror a few times a day. I see my breasts deflating and feel like a melting snowman. But it means that I haven't given up on myself anymore. I actually care. It sucks to feel bad, but it is better than just feeling numb. 2) My body isn't shedding lbs evenly. My waist has nicely decreased but my hips haven't moved so it makes my hips look even larger than before b/c the proportions are so far off. So hopefully if I get more general cardio into my life things will even out.   It sucks that I can't celebrate loosing this weight. People keep telling me how great I look, and I just beat myself up for still having to squeeze my fat a$$ into a size 18.   Well hopefully I'll keep working on these negative feelings and turn them around quickly.
lizrox

lizrox

2
 

4 weeks post-op

Yesterday marked 4 weeks post-op and I was thrilled to get on the scale today and see 260 lbs. I am really looking forward to being 235 again...that was how much I weighted when I got pregnant so it would be great to lose all the 'baby weight', even though I gained most of the weight after having the baby. Being on 6 weeks bed rest really deconditioned my body.   I have been walking and swimming a lot but I can't start a full exercise regimen until my gp gives the ok. I have some minor arthritis in my lower spine which is causing the outer part of my right leg to be numb and twinges of stabbing nerve pain. I had a more mild case of this before the surgery, but laying on my back recovering for three days really aggravated things. Since oral steroids are very hard on the stomach I decided to go the physical therapy route. (MRIs and steroid shots will be plan I started PT this week and I know I'm on the right track. Losing weight will certainly help.   Some big wins of the week:   - I am still very strong around food - I am in control, not food; this is so empowering.   - I am actually having positive thoughts about the future. I used to think getting old just meant gaining weight and the ticking time bomb of diabetes or a massive stroke (family history of both). But now I'm looking forward to 35, 45 and beyond. This is very new.   - Realizing that this new healthy life hasn't been very difficult to embrace. My new "default settings" are healthy choices. I don't want to eat hot dogs or pie right now! I don't have to have the internal fight of "eat bad food x...it will taste so good...you deserve it...everyone else can eat it so can you." In the past I would eat it and beat myself up for being so fat and out of control, and a loser etc... Now I think "Oh fish sounds amazing, with a few bites of steamed broccoli" The end!   - Knowing that I am on the right road to a long, happy and healthful life! I really never want to veer off.
lizrox

lizrox

0
 

Feeling STRONG!

I am a little over a week post-op and I am feeling great. The biggest change I feel is real strength around food. I was hardcore addicted and now my relationship with it feels so much closer to normal.   This weekend my father in law baked homemade cookies while I was visiting. He loves baking and in the past I would have obsessed over them. The smell, then my thoughts would be consumed with "Should I eat one? No, I'm too fat I need to stop...but I deserve one...everyone gets the have them why deprive myself?" Then I would go eat 5 or 6 and send the rest of the night feeling guilty and beat myself up. Certainly no way to live!   This weekend I smelled them an thought...oh that smells good. The end. No obsessing, no guilt...the cookies just rolled off my back. It is just so empowering. This really needs to stay. It freed my mind to think about life, family, the future etc... I am just thrilled I made this decision and need my strength to last.   Things are looking up!
lizrox

lizrox

2
 

First entry post op

It is official, 85 percent of my stomach is gone. It's hard to wrap my mind around that. To walk through some some events of my hospital stay. 5/22 I went and got a new haircut and my legs and brows waxed. Then went home and drank the horrible bowel cleaning drink and waited. I felt bad the rest of the day and received a call that my surgery time had moved up, I needed to check in at 5:30 am. I fell asleep easily and my parents drove me to the hospital on time. Checked in, was weighted in, answered some questions and the IV was started. I met a slew of nurses, doctors, my surgeon and quickly enough I was in the operating room. I remember only a sliver of that room then I was waking up. I just said pain and nausea and quickly feel asleep again. I guess my potassium levels were too low and they started potassium through the IV. It still burns just thinking about it. Then I fully woke up and remember everything around 1pm. I got to my room, it was private thank goodness. My parents were in there worrying about the delay. My mom is a nurse and has seen it all, but just the potassium was holding me up. Then quickly the nausea set in. Horrible, listless feeling I wouldn't wish on enemies. I didn't realize the nausea the directly linked to my pain meds. I rarely take any pain meds and just couldn't handle them. My husband visited that night and I remember him just holding my hand while I drifted off to sleep to soothing music. I really love that man! Next day more potassium burning, nausea, a change of pain meds, and swallow test. When my nurse walked in and said I didn't have any leaks I lost it and started balling. I had no clue how worried I was about that. I just felt like I had too much nausea not to have a leak, so to hear I would be taken off of IV pain meds and some of the machines I was so releaved. One more step closer to freedom! That night my IV site was burning that I rang my light at 3am asking for a new one. By 4am and a few tries I had a new far less painful site. They gave me some benedryl to sleep and let me go to 9am! All that was left was the need to pass gas, then I could go home! And I woke up and tooted, again happiness. I told the nurses immediately and they were pumped for me. Unfortunately my blood work came back with low magnesium and potassium. Fortunately I only needed the magnesium through the IV and to drink the horrible potassium. I kept telling myself this was better then a burning vein and powered through. By 3:30 my mom was taking me home.   I want to tell others that your pain meds may be linked to the nausea. Walk as soon as possible. I was up and moving as soon as I hit my private room. The gas will come out far more quickly.   This is the first time I have had the mind and focus to read, go online, watch tv or even talk. It took a lot out of me, but if it helps me get this damn weight off it will be worth it. The memories of pain are quickly fading. I really hope to see the scale move down fast!
lizrox

lizrox

3
 

Day 6 of Pre-Op Diet...Feeling Down

Today was day 6 of my all liquid pre-op diet. I am supposed to drink 3-4 "Bariatric Advantage" shakes a day. I can also eat anything from the clear liquids list - broth has been my savior. The shakes have killed my appetite. I barely had one today. I drink plenty of water and broth but I'm worried about straight starving myself.   I haven't really heard that many people struggling with this part very much. I'm feeling alone. I'm proud that I haven't cheated at all, but I'm really hoping I'm not damaging myself. If my body goes into starvation I may not lose. I guess I'll talk to my surgeon tomorrow. Only 7 days away...seems strange.   I will just take it one day at a time and one shake at a time. What else can I do?
lizrox

lizrox

5
 

The first day of the rest of my life

Hi. My name is Liz and I was born, raised and live in the Chicago burbs. My story seems similar to those I have read here on this forum...I have battled with my weight for as long as I can remember. When I was 13 I remember crying b/c I couldn't fit into anything in the juniors section. Even back then I thought "When was I a size 6? Was it for 4 days in the third grade??" I have done Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers losing a good amount but always gaining back more over time.   April 2011 my wonderful son Julien was born (despite my battles with PCOS I had him naturally) but after I had him the pounds just added it quickly. I went in for a physical in October 2012 and was floored when the scale said 295! It was my rock bottom, I knew I needed to make some BIG changes.   My surgery is set for May 23rd. Last week I finished all my pre-surgical testing and today I start my 15 day pre-op diet. I can only drink protein drinks and clear liquids for the next 14 days. Today I had a chocolate strawberry shake for breakfast, a root-beer float shake for lunch, and a coffee/mocha shake for dinner. I was pretty impressed with my creations - all slightly different recipes the office provided me when I purchased the shake powder. I also had two mugs of low sodium chicken broth and 2 sugar free Popsicles.   I made my husband eat dinner out tonight b/c I knew I couldn't handle watching him eat in front of me. I was pretty strong all day, and I wasn't up for ending the night on a low note. I had to feed my son his dinner but I wasn't tempted at all. There is half a banana calling my name in the kitchen, but I'll blend it in with my morning shake tomorrow.   I'm trying to focus on how this is my choice. Back when I would do other diets I would say things like "I can't eat that." And feel that I was denying myself. Now I say "I can eat that, but I choose not to." I like how that gives me the control.   Well, one day almost done with 14 more to go. Staying strong and in control...   --Liz
lizrox

lizrox

3
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