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About this blog

Just a teen girl waiting for the big 1-8 to start her life as a sleeve patient.. dreaming... waiting... living... trying to change her life :)

Entries in this blog

 

When you don't have food to think about, you have to think about your life

So 1 week out on this clean eating sort of kick, the "i'm starving i'm gonna die" feeling has pretty much worn off (by the way i'm 5 pounds down !) and now that i'm not thinking about food every second ... it made me learn something about myself. The way it happened was so random, I was standing in my driveway, and I saw the lights across the street in the darkness, and felt the humidity in the air and it brought me back to my childhood, and I just started thinking about so many things that I guess I was trying to forget.My best friend leaving, my neighbor dying, feeling inferior to my sister, being bullied, the way i was always told to be quiet and not speak my mind, my step father leaving a few years back, i just thought about all of the things I never faced. I mean i knew they happened but i never faced them because i was always thinking about my next meal .All of it just hit me at once, and I kind of relived each of those days and let myself have that moment to cry about them.   Maybe part of the reason I never could stick to any diet or "way of life" is because it forced me to live in this reality, the one where bad things happen and you have to allow yourself to feel that pain and negativity and then just try to let it go.I dunno i guess you just learn something new about yourself every day when your on the journey
Tisa

Tisa

2
 

The Rant before Christmas.. even though Christmas passed a long time ago

Well i've finally got the ball rolling, I saw the surgeon a few months ago now i've finally scheduled my sleep study for this wednesday so I should feel really excited and bubbly right? Wrong!   I just feel UGGGHHHH GRRR BLAHHH. The main thing right now is that the doc said he wouldn't operate if I was one pound over what I weighed at the time I first saw him. Right now i am about 10 pounds heavier. At that time I was doing my swim season exercising 3hrs a day. Right now its freezing asses outside and all there is to do is sit inside and eat things -___-. I mean i always gain about 10 pounds in the winter then lose 10 pounds around spring/summer, isn't that normal for most people? I mean i suppose I could lose if I did some crazy **** like the south beach diet for a few weeks. I just feel so irritated because if I can't even lose ten pounds right now how am i supposed to lose the 130 pounds necessary to goal and how am i supposed to stay there. I feel like I need to reevaluate my whole life and decision to have surgery right now   It makes me want to blame everyone else, like my parents for always bringing home pies and muffins when they know i have a problem. My doctor for requiring me to lose weight. The weather for sucking. But i know deep down I'm just being a whiny b***h and the truth is that all of this is my fault and my own problem since the beginning. I just feel so powerless right now and it makes me pissed off .   I don't know what to do. I can't exactly dedicate my whole life to fitness right now I have to keep my grades up for AP exams coming up around the same time as my surgery. Then again my life is always going to be this way Im always going to be busy with something if not my current 5 ap classes, then medical school or some other ****. I guess I'll just pull out the old greek yogurt and hope than somehow I get these extra pounds off of myself before February rolls around
Tisa

Tisa

0
 

I Loovee it <3

Look at it, doesn't it look disgusting?? doesn't the thought of consuming such a thing just put you off? well guess what it's actually delicious! i know i was surprised too. Low calorie, full of vitamins/minerals, filling, delicious can it get any better than that?   well i first heard of the green smoothie from this book forgot the name of it, but the recipe the lady gave me tasted despicable >.<. Ok so rule of thumb, the smoothie should be half greens half fruit so it's sweet, also make sure to blend until smooth so its not chunky and gross. I use half spinach and half strawberry/apple, banannas dont have enough flavor for me :/. It tasted just like apple juice! breakfast anyone
Tisa

Tisa

1
 

First day of my clean eating kick :o

Soo today is my first official day of clean eating and it hasn't been that bad, I feel kinda hungry, so i've been nomming on carrots and strawberries.I had some gluten/wheat free waffles for breakfast, salad with chicken for lunch, a granola bar, and some delicious quinoa chillli for dinner. Then cuz i only had 1000 calories i had a turkey sandwich on rye with spin-NATCH. hehehe. It's been pretty tasty so far, but i still feel hun-gray, i think i just need time to adjust, prolly like a week or so and itll be easier x...x. I then jammed out to some bob marley with my dad in the living room, and now i'm just chiling, freaking out about my AP eng exam this friday, and us history on wednesday when those things are over i'll finally have a life and I can make some youtube videos!!Something delicious i discovered while tumblering is flavored water! You guys who are already sleeved have to drink a lot of water right? I need to drink it in the morning but at such an early time i just can't stand it for some reason.Ok so I got a platic juice container that was empty,filled it with water and chopped up 2 lemons and some strawberries so i can drink it tomorrow :3theoretically you can use any fruits like.. blueberries, peaches, pears, whatever you like, itll give your morning a nice kick.I only used a plastic juice container cuz im rachet but if you have a glass one its prolly a better idea to use that thing o...o
Tisa

Tisa

0
 

Coming back to BariatricPal after WLS

It feels weird being back here again. Last time I was here I was post-op. Desperately reading every scrap of info I could get on WLS. It feels crazy to say it has been 5 months since I had my surgery. It feels like just yesterday that I was on the top floor of a hospital looking out the window at the world and daydreaming about how I was going to conquer it. Since that time, I have accomplished so much. I've finished my first semester of college, dropped around 80lbs and 6 pants sizes, made new friends, straightened my hair, and next Monday I am fulfilling one of my long-time dreams to visit California (San Diego to be exact). I feel like so much is now possible for me. I feel like I can date if I want to and find a decent guy, I can sign up for a 5k and know I'll do fine. I can be exactly who I want and say what I think without apologizing for it.   At the same time, I'll never stop being a fat girl. That's who am I at heart and it's someone to be proud of. I am different from most people. Now my weight loss is slowing down and I'm currently in a stall it's kind of nerve-wracking I sometimes feel like I'll wake up tomorrow and the scale will read 289 again. That fear always gnaws at the back of my mind. I need to come back here from time to time as to not forget how desperate I was, and how much having the sleeve means to me. It's truly a blessing, a lifesaver, but it can't walk for me it's only a crutch. I still need to take the steps, especially now so that self-control has become part of the equation again 5 months out.
Tisa

Tisa

2
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