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Cupcake Diaries of a Fat Girl

Entries in this blog

 

2 months already!

Well I am just shy of 2 months! I have made it to my first mini goal! Yay! So excited! I am and proud that I actually made it! I still am struggling to get in exercise! I know I need to but time is not my friend right now. I literally am so busy right now with everything else. My husband is going through some sort of something right now and I am picking up his slack. ALL the house chores and cooking is falling on me. Not to mention soccer pratice, homework, and giving the kids baths ect. You parents know the deal. It's like I am a single parent right now! He is not happy about his weight and I think seeing me losing and becoming more postive and happy has him in the dumps. He isn't being ugly to me or making me feel guilty but he seems a little checked out. I have mentioned to him about the slacking off but I am trying to let him work through this funk. I am however feeling a little stretched and I am going to snap soon! He is complaining about his weight all the time. It's like he is becoming me before surgery! Hopefully I can inspire him to change his lifestyle and this is just a phase before he snaps out of it and starts to. Well enough of that! It is just something I never thought would happen when I started this. I didn't think it would affect him this way. Well back to me! lol So my next mini goal is 199! That's right ONEDERLAND! Oh to see those numbers on my scale! What a happy day! So hopefully in the next couple of months I am going to make that happen! I want to make it there or under by Christmas! It is my Christmas present to myself! So my stats so far are... Pre-Op -7lbs Size 20 pant 1-2x tops 1 Month -26lbs Size 18/16 XL 2 Month -12lbs Size 16/14 regular L no PLUS SIZE! And 45 lbs lighter! Can't wait to see what next month loss will be! Happy Friday Y'all!
smjuroska

smjuroska

7
 

Big losses, stalls, hunger, and self doubt...all in 6 weeks!

So it has been 6 weeks and 6 days since surgery! I have lost a total of 35 pounds since surgery! Pretty impressive and I am 3 pounds from my first mini goal of 220. It has been over 8 years since I have weighed that and I was 13 weeks pregnant with my first child. It was my first weigh in and pre natal Dr. appt. and I was SHOCKED I weighed that much! Now I am so excited to see that number! Talk about perspective! I remember crying the whole way home! Now those tears will be joy! Well on to the NOW! The things that I am dealing with as I am more healed and eating "normal"... I am losing and I get to the point of feeling "normal" and dare I say comfortable. Then I get on here read something and get all paranoid and start 2nd guessing myself. I know that we are all different in how we lose weight, how we got to the point of choosing surgery, and how we will lose with surgery. The common thread here is we are all/were obese and we all had sleeve surgery. I have been not getting on this site and fining my own way. I want to continue to document my feelings but I am at the stage were I need to find a comfortable way to live and still lose the weight. Now, having said that this site has helped me so much! I kind of take the good and the bad and try to filter the crap out. I am not blaming this site for my doubt but ME for letting myself get caught up with this site and not listening to my body and my medical team. Since surgery I have NEVER been told by my NUT or Doctor to eat low carb high protein diet. Aim for 60-80 grams of protein and 64oz of water yes but no limit on carbs. I don't usually have room for more than a bite anyway. They said protein first, veggies/fruit, and then carb. Make good choices and eat a balanced diet. They never said restrict calories to such and such a day, do not eat over 1/4 or whatever cups of food. They said everyone is different and gave me a chart of what their average patient eats after surgery and at what stage. They did talk to me about sliders and how no one even people who haven't had surgery should avoid these foods. I am pretty smart and I know healthy meals from crap so I don't know why I think because I eat a piece of bread one day that I have sabatoged my weight loss and will FAIL! So yes the last few weeks have been plagued with this self doubt! I am working through that! I have had some pretty big losses! The first week I lost 14 pounds! This week I lost 5! But I also have had the dreaded stall! I lost nothing and even gained a pound around week 3 into 4! But it came off and ironically the next day after I ate the evil carb infested multi grain toast for breakfast! go figure. Hunger has come back but it is different. The first month I don't think I was ever really hungry. had some head hunger but nothing more than that. The past couple of weeks I do get hungry but it's not that crazy hungry where I will want to eat a horse! It just a tiny little pang in my tummy and chest. If I don't heed the warning and eat a bite I get shaky and get very run down. These hunger pangs don't happen everyday. Some days I feel like not eating at all. I never get hungry and never really want food. I am making myself eat something on those days. Then some days I feel like my body needs the food and I eat more on those days. Food taste better on those days too! I followed this trend last week. On the days I felt hunger and felt I needed food I lost and days I didn't want food and didn't eat hardly anything I didn't lose. I only usually weigh once a week but it was an experiement last week! It was interesting and taught me what I already knew! My body knows best! So while I am not an expert on weight loss surgery or how to lose the most weight and fast I do know MY body. So this week I am going to listen to it and see how things go. Oh I still like my little piece of chocolate in the evening! I don't eat it every night but I will not ever let myself feel guilty when I do from here on out! This self doubt and guilt crap was before and I will not let it get the best of me now!
smjuroska

smjuroska

4
 

One Month already?!

I can't believe my surgery was a month ago! Everything is going super speed here! I am feeling pretty good and at a very good place mentally. I think being prepared for all the ups and downs and having wonderful support has kept me sane. So my offical stats are 33 pounds lost total. I started at 258(my offical start weight with my surgeon) had a down slide blew up to 265 (my weigh-in the day I started my pre-op). I think that is super awesome! I have also lost 18.75 inches (from the parts I measure). I know I will not lose another 26 pounds this coming month but hey as long as that scale is moving down I am happy. 33 pounds in 6 weeks is quite a bit of weight and a great starting point. Hopefully next month I can have another 10+ pounds off. Things that I am thankful for are:   My internal stitch popped last Sunday! I had lots of pain Saturday from that darn little thing and Sunday instant relief! My sleeve! It has really made this alot easier for me. I am human and still want to eat but my sleeve keeps me from over doing it. Still in shock by the amount I can eat. Before that would have a been a nibble before I actually sat down and ate. My family, and job. They won't allow me to whine and complain and they keep my life "normal". Both keep me moving and active. The world didn't stop because I had surgery. Although the first few days I felt it should have! That constant hunger and craving bad foods is gone for the most part. Yeah I will get a whiff of something and think that smells good but it ends there. I don't walk around the grocery store craving the fresh baked whatever and end up buying it and eating half on the way home. I simply don't really want it.   Some things that I need to to work on (I am not near a perfect human nor WLS patient but, who the heck is?)   I HAVE to start toning up my flabby butt! For real! I HAVE to find the time in my jam packed schedule to do some cardio I need to keeping trying "new" foods to see how I can handle them. I want my fuel to come from food not shakes and bars. I am so against living off protein shakes and bars! They are fake nasty tasting junk, to me anyway! But I am not able to meet my protein without them for now... So I still use them.   This surgery was a lifestyle change for me not a "diet". So far it is working but I know that I have to keep up with a healthy lifestyle to be healthy and keep the weight off. So cheers to Fridays! I am going to go and enjoy my hot TX summer weekend (the last weekend of summer for us, school starts Monday)!
smjuroska

smjuroska

0
 

3 weeks...what?

So I am 3 weeks out from surgery! Can I get a woo hoo! I am starting to feel more like me and not a weight loss patient. As I see it this feeling can only improve as I progress. I can actually sit down with my family and have meals. Albeit I can't eat exactly what they are eating but I can eat with them and have my own plate of food (I am offically on soft foods for a week or so)! Been loving my fish soft veggies and chicken salad! I notice too I can tolerate a whole 1/4 sometimes even 1/2 of cup of food! I ate nearly a whole tomato (a very small tomato from my garden like gold ball size) and 1/2 cup of chicken salad yesterday. I freaked out! I actually called myself a pig to my hubby! WHAT?! My hubby looked at me and said are you kidding our 18 month old eats more than that?! Yeah he is right, I was just having a OMG moment. I get them sometimes even this early out! I had to get rid of some clothes this week. I had some things that were baggy and needed to go. I am not going to be one of those people who are going to wear saggy sad clothes. I like my clothes to fit, saggy butt is not cute! I have always looked nice no matter what size. It ain't changing! But as I was getting rid of things I thought really Shannon you might needs these again! Where the hell did this negative girl come from? I ofcourse pushed on and thought shut up negative nelly these clothes are outta here. What a feeling of accomplishment! The scale has tempted me this week! I hopped on today after swearing I was going to only weigh in on Fridays! I had lost but I don't want the scale to determine my success. I knew I had lost because my clothes were getting loose. That stupid number is just a number! But it still has power over me and I was glad it went down! This is something I am working on! Stalls WILL HAPPEN and I need toprepare myself for that. Previous diet attempts this is usually were I would give up and go on a binge so to speak! Not this time thanks to my sidekick sleevey! We are going to get through stalls like nobody's business! (I hope I don't became a blubbering mess!) Anyway, I am thankful so far for my surgery and feel I have a realistic mindset and postive attitude through the very short sleeved experience. Hope I can keep this sunny outlook! Things that are working for me are... I don't track my food calories or carbs. Nor will I ever do that again! I eat a healthy balanced diet. I try to keep a rough count of protein and make sure I get my water for the day (all in my head). I go by how I feel. I know what 64oz of water is. I know what dehydration feels like and the signals that I need more. I didn't get this surgery to became obsessed with every bit of food that passes my lips! Which honestly is not very much! I did that before and I am not living like that again! It didn't work and caused eating to be a form of punishment and when I failed (i.e. ate a cupcake) I would beat myself up. Plus I have two girls and I don't want to pass on those negative traits to them. I remember my mom always being on a diet growing up and it affected how I was! I thought my self worth was based on my weight and clothes size. Right now while I am healing I have to change things up but my girls know mommy's tummy is healing. I am not dieting! If I have moments of weakness I don't let them see it. (like calling my self fat or pig!) I am not perfect but I am trying not to pass this to them! I love food and different flavors and still do! So I experiement with different spices and mix it up. I always ate healthy foods before and enjoyed them but let my weak moments sabatoge all the good I put in. I am following my guidelines but also listening to my body. For instance I was not suppose to start pureed for 2 weeks but at 1 week 5 days I needed a little more fuel to fill me up and moved to pureeds. I am not advocating this but I am very in tuned to my body and it worked for me. I am active and needed more than I was getting! Next week I may not be ready for "real" foods and may hang on soft foods longer. We will see! I take my measurements every week! I have lost 14 inches from my thighs waist hips arms and bust! Lets me see how my body is shrinking! That is more exciting than weighing and will get me through those stalls! I don't talk alot to others about my weight loss or surgery. If they mention it I say yeah I am feeling great and I am doing well and that is it. If they mention my weight loss I say Thank you! I am Shannon not a SLEEVE. I happened to have surgery but people who had gallbladder surgery don't constantly talk about it! This is my outlet for that not my real day to day life. I had the surgery to get healthy and prevent future health problems. Not for it to become who I am! I do not do fat free sugar free. I eat real foods! I can't wait to not need the protein drinks and shakes! As soon as I can consume enough protein from foods they are going out with the trash! I believe real whole foods are best for my body! I eat a piece of chocolate everyday (started back when I went to soft foods)! I buy the good stuff and have a square every night! It give me sweet dreams! Plus a small piece of dark chocolate has health benefits! Moderation is key here! Well that is what is on my mind today! Go out and enjoy life and have a great day!
smjuroska

smjuroska

4
 

16 days post-op and back at work....Guess hubby didn't win the lotto last night! Dang it!

So today is 16 days post-op. I am back at work and seem to be fairing well. I had to stay an hour and then some over yesterday and was running all day. I was completely wiped when I got home. I was a little sore too. But I am still healing so that is to be expected. Talk about a welcome back! Anyway today is a new day. My weight is now down to 240.4 offically this AM. I was going to weigh every Friday but I felt lighter this morning so I hopped on. So now I am down 25 pounds since the 2 week diet and 18 since surgery. CRAZY! I am so not even going to complain or compare my weight loss with others (which I thought I would be obsessed with this, its a control thing). I am not a slow or fast loser in my book. I am just losing! I remember being so happy on WW and hitting the 25 pound mark! It took me about 2 months and I thought that was quick! I lost that in little less than a month with my new tummy! I am still worried about a leak or something going wrong. This while not easy has been a prettty uneventful and my tummy has responed well to everything I have put in it. I guess I am waiting for the bottom to fall. Don't know what that is about. Some of the issues I am dealing with... Fatigue. I feel normal but then BAM it hits me and I am down for the count. This happens when I am busy and not taking steady sips of water. (like yesterday afternoon at work hauling a portable x-ray unit around and having to walk up and down 2 flight of stairs about 6 times in an hour) Bathroom issues. I have always been regular, now I go days and NOTHING. I am taking extra fiber and milk or mag (twice now). I don't feel bloated but I guess I am not taking in much so much doesnt need to come out. I know gross but true. The damn main insicion. I am ready for it to heal and the internal stitch to pop disslove whatever it does. Heat I am ready for fall so I can get out and excercise. I am not a treadmill kinda girl. Even listening to music or watching a show I get ansty and bored after 15 mintues. Thinking about joining a gym so I can switch it up when I get bored. But I am not walking/jogging in 105 heat! My period I have not had a period since end of May beginning of June. NOT NORMAL for me. You can set your clock by my cycle. First I thought nerves and stress now I don't know. I know I am not pregnant. My surgeon know about this and my PCP told me to let my body heal before getting concerned. But it worries me. H.Pylorus My surgeon got the report back from pathology and my stomach was very inflammed and tested postive for this. So now I have to have a strong 2 week dose of antibiotics to resolve this. Have to wait unitl I am eating regular because they will wreck havoc if I am not eating. Apparently lots of people have this but never know unless it causes problems. Which I was having prior to surgery. So those are my issues which are all minor! I thank the Lord for watching over me and hope I continue this journey with only positive results. I want to post pics but I am waiting for the 1 month mark! My face is where I see it the most. No more chin(S)! I now have ONE just ONE chin! My nose is smaller too! Not so WIDE. Weird never thought noses got fat until I compared it with my "skinny" pics back in the day. Now it getting back to "normal" lol. Well that is all folks until next time!
smjuroska

smjuroska

0
 

Post-Op Day 5

So I am off the pain meds. Hope this blog makes more sense than day 2. I am doing well I guess. I am only sore where the main incision is. The only reason I know of the others are they are starting to itch. Everything I have put in my tummy is going down pretty well. No issues. (thank you good Lord!) Hope as I progress this continues. I love variety in my diet and hope that I can still do that post-op. I am pretty much drinking the 64oz. and getting 50-60 grams of protein a day. It is an ALL day chore however. I am having some bathroom issues. But with what I'm putting in my body I think this is just trying to adjust, not to mention I just had surgery. I am ready to put some texture in my mouth. I am tired already of liquids but I am not hungry at all. I have to remind my self to sip something other than flavored water. I get tired very easy! I am a go go go person and I just can't do it. That has been the worst part. I want to do things but my body just won't let me yet. I worry about going back to work. I hope I don't still have zero energy then. But that still a week and few days off. I am getting better each day and by then I may feel somewhat normal. I can't wait to feel like myself again! One month from now I am sure I will be screaming from the rooftops! I have lost 18 lbs since starting my pre-op diet, 8 since surgery. That is crazy to me! I can already see a change in my body. Well I am off to walk and drink and drink and drink!
smjuroska

smjuroska

1
 

2 days post-op

So I am on the sleeved side! I am doing ok...sore but ok. Surgery was uneventful and the first evening and night I just walked and pushed my happy button and slept. The next day is when the GAS hit. I was FULL of IT! Walking is helping but it is still there but much less. Until I could fart I was very uncomfortable. Now I am ok. I havent felt sick and I am handling all the fluids I have tried pretty well. I have had ISoPure power Zero with protein added decaf coffee and stevia broth jello and tea. Coughing hurts like hell burping can be uncomfortable. So day two the worst is I am just SORE. I have cleaned up a little and helped get the kids to camp and sitter and I am pooped. I have no desire to eat at all which is good since my family still has to eat. The smells don't make me sick either. Nothing too eventful and I hope it stays that way. Each day seemd to get eaiser. I havent even weighed myself. I am focusing on healing not the scale right now. Well I need a nap!
smjuroska

smjuroska

2
 

Am I seriously removing 80% of my stomach in 5 days...yep!

This summer has been so crazy that time has flown by! Now I am only a few days out. This all hit me this week and I began to panic. So I had a little pep talk with my friend who had the sleeve over 3 years ago. She made me feel so much better! I have been freaking out all week! I have strict orders to call her when I freak out the next few days. She has done great with it and lost tons of weight and says she feels better now than when she was in her 20s. She did mention that after about 18 months she started to slip with diet. She could eat whatever she wanted and more than ever before. She said she is still battling with sweets and sodas. She never had a craving after surgery until she had a moment of weakness 18 months out and let herself indulge. Since then candy and soda are her vice and she has to watch it. She is still skinny (5'6" 135) but said she put on a few pounds by backsliding. She said this is a TOOL, to me like 1000sX... she was starting to sound like my DR! I just love her! Anyway things are all a go and I have all my vitamins and protein ordered. Still gotta get a few things but I am ready! Still hanging on with the pre-op diet. (I am lucky though only liquids day before)This pre-op diet has had its moments still (mostly my husband taunting me with all the bad foods) but I am doing it and weighed today and I have lost 9 pounds in not even 2 weeks! I have been following it but I am not tracking my calories or carbs. I have just been eating lean protein (nothing fried or battered) and approved veggies. Lots of cheeses no butter. I have not had ANY bread, pasta, or potatoes! That's a victory in it's self! I am allowed 30 grams of carbs so I use that with sugar free chocolates(my treats). I get 3 bite size pieces a day for a total of 21 carbs. I am sure I have a few extra carbs in my foods to equal 30. I also try to add in a protein drink most days to up the protein. Hope that what I am doing is good enough. I hate calculating everything I eat. I did that with WW and I am over it! I was worried I was not doing it correctly but after my weigh in I think I am right on track. So now I just keep truckin on until surgery 5 DAYS FROM NOW!
smjuroska

smjuroska

9
 

11 more days...wooo whhhooo, I hope?!

Ok so nerves are kicking my butt right now. I keeping having these crazy thoughts. You know the "what ifs". What if I die (the most scary of all), what if I have a horrible recovery ( I work in the medical field and know all the things that could go wrong), what if I never can eat again and live off yogurt broth and protein shakes. I am scared that I will not be able to enjoy foods again. I love ethnic foods and trying new flavors. I hope I can still do that eventually once I heal. The thought of not being able to eat Thai or Indian again makes me sad. Hopefully it is a see you soon instead of goodbye! I am also nervous about losing weight. I NEVER would have thought i would be nervous about this. I discovered this fear when I was browsing in Kohls. I love to shop! I am trendy and I haven't bought any of the cute summer fashions this year. Mainly because my extra shopping money has been going to doctors appts and i don't want to buy something only to wear it a few times. I have bought ANY shoes either because of this. Anyway to get my fix I went window shopping for clothes when I get 'skinny". I held up a size 8 pants and the fear washed over me. I don't know how to be a normal weight anymore! I have lived in this bubble of denial so long (I never felt like the fat girl until recently) that picking up a pants size i could wear 15 years ago literally caused me fear. It's crazy I know but its my nerves getting the best of me. i have all kinds of emotions this week. Nerves plus lack of carbs (2 week pre-op, which is not too bad, bascially the intro phase to atkins) have made me have to deal with these thoughts and feelings. I am being forced to work through them and not stuff them away with chocolate (my weakness). Well this is all just part of it I guess. Part of me is saying hurry up July 23rd while the other part is saying time is going too fast and slow down July 23rd. Oh well time to go eat some lean protein and veggies. Happy Friday!
smjuroska

smjuroska

4
 

July 23rd not just another day

So I had a tentative date of June 27th which would have been next week! YIKES! I was bummed when I hung-up with my dr. office Tuesday saying no go on June 27th. Once again that pesky insurance throws a monkey wrench in my plans! However I am offically scheduled for July 23rd. I am at peace with this date...now. Not so much at first. But this date has meaning. On July 24th of 2011 my brother died while on vacation here in TX. He LOVED TX and was a true Texan eventhough he was born and raised in NC. He LOVED texas country music, the longhorns, his room was TX decor. Obsessed with Walker Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris was his hero. (We personally thought all this was strange lol) So it was kinda funny I ended up married to a texan and moved here. My family didn't want me to move but he was excited because then he could come visit me in the great state of Texas! Anyway off topic! July 23rd was the last time he was awake and responsive and the last time I felt him squeeze my hand and look at me in my eyes. It was also the day I realized in my heart that he was not going to make it and my time with him was short. He knew that day too that he was going to die. It is the date that has caused anxiety and stress. Since that date my memories of my brother have been that last few days replayed over and over. On top of that my mom and daughter (who will be visiting my mom in NC from July3-July 23rd) will be flying in that day too. Another stressor. So all this stuff around my surgery date had me questioning if it was such a good idea. Then this thought popped in my head. It was my brother's voice saying it was all ok. July 23rd is my rebirth day. Before 2011 that date was just another day. Since then that date causes pain and reliving those 3 days in hospital with my brother and watching him take his last breath. I have mourned him since that day and I kinda stopped living my full life. I just exsisted. i forgot all the good memories of my brother. (back story, My brother and I were very close. I was his second mama. No one was as close to him other than our mother. He had down syndrome and we were nearly four years apart. Adam was truly an angel here on Earth! Losing him that day felt like I had lost one of my children. It was tough) So even though that date makes my heart heavy it will hold a new meaning. The day I finally took control of my life. Adam thank you for being here with us those short 26 years and on July 23rd I know you will be looking down from heaven and watching over us all that day, keeping us safe and cheering me on. July 23rd will no longing be a day of mourning but of rebirth. I know he wants us to remember all the good and not focus a just a few bad memories. Even in death he still influences my life and can bring sunshine when I thought it was going to rain. Funny how life is and how things seem to work out. Happy Friday y'all!
smjuroska

smjuroska

1
 

OMG...OMG...OMG!

So I just got my surgery date! Well it is tenative...the hospital has to confirm they have the OR available that day. Ofcourse in true Shannon fashion...the scheduler is out today and you know doctors arent going to do the scheduler's job and make that call! But it is JUNE 27th! That is like not even a full 2 weeks away! CRAZY! She had me worried I wouldn't be getting my surgery for months. She said, "Well how soon are you looking to have the surgery?" I said lets go right NOW! She then said, "Well my schedule is so full right now. We have opened up July and August books". I am thinking, oh great I will have to wait until August or longer. She then said, "Well if you want first available I have the 27th open but not sure OR is available". I said, "August or July 27th?" She said, "No no no this month". I nearly fell off the table. She said, "If OR doesnt have a room she should be able to get me in first week or 2 in July no problem". YAY! So excited and freaking scared! I already have been measured, weighed, my before pic taken and have my scripts for zofran and liquid pain meds for when I get home! This is happening! She also informed me to not start the liver shrinking diet until the OR is booked for sure. I said what if it is not a full two weeks when I find out. She said no problem that she more worried about that in patients who have high liver levels, or are over 50 BMI. She seems confident that my liver will be just fine and a full week to be safe will be enough. I am so excited and scared to freaking death all rolled up in one! But I think I will be fine I heard my feel good song today on the radio as I was leaving the Dr. office (Three Little Birds...has a special meaning for me and lets me know I am where I need to be) which is random b/c 1 I NEVER listen to the radio hardly ever but my ipod was dead and 2 radio here in good ole TX hardly ever plays Bob Marley, even the cool hipster Austin stations. Funny and kinda childish but that was my sign, "that every little thing goin be alright"! Happy Friday Y'all!
smjuroska

smjuroska

5
 

Tell me something good...

My good news this Friday is I am done with all my pre-op appointments and it is a long weekend! What a crazy ride this has been! Hoping my surgery and recovery will be a little less stressful! I had the last meeting for the psy eval yesterday. I ofcourse was approved or "passed"! All those crazy questions I had to answers determined I was highly intelligent and a controlling ! HA! I could have told them that without taking a test! Whatever, it is behind me now. I am still not able to schedule my last appointment with my surgeon...waiting for all my labs to come in! Really how hard is it to fax results to one place to another! I do all the time, it takes like, 2 seconds! That is the appointment I get my offical surgery date. I have alot of things on hold waiting for that date! When to get a flight for my mom, when Bailey my daughter will be going back with my mom to NC to visit for the summer, day care arrangments, our annual summer get-away and the list goes on! I hate having things unresolved! I guess that's my inpatience and inability to control taking over! I should become a psycologist! HAHAHA! Time to get this show on the road! Happy Friday! What is your something good?
smjuroska

smjuroska

5
 

Random Thoughts

Ok so I am nearly done with my pre-op stuff. I hate that my surgeon will not schedule until all things have been done. Oh well. I was getting so worked up over all this stuff I nearly quit so many times ( I mean I have been on this journey for over a year). You can see my frustration in past blogs. Well this random quote came across and I love it and needed to hear it. "Stress makes you believe that everything has to happen now! ( that is me, me, me, to a T) Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God's time." It is so true. I am not a super Christian by any means but my faith has always been with God. Everything always works out the way it should for good or bad and I need to let go of things that I cannot control. Funny how one little saying can snap us back to reality and clear things up! By this time next week I will be waiting (well if that crazy psy doc doesn't derail me. hehehe...but for real he is one egg short of sanity) for my very last appointment with my surgeon to schedule my surgery. After all this and I get my date I am sure the reality that I am about get my guts ripped out for the sake of weight loss will hit me. I still can't believe that I am really going to do this! I mean that mostly in a excited good way! One last random thought...I think I may break out the kiddie pool and get some sun this weekend. It is going to be in the 90s! Perfect pool weather. Tan fat looks better than white fat. Well atleast mine does!
smjuroska

smjuroska

0
 

Stressed Out and Overwhelmed

Ok this week has been a doozy. I have been so busy with life and then on top of that trying to get all this pre-op appointments behind me. I had to cancel my last f/u with my psy to go to a NUT appt. I couldn't do both so I had to make a choice. Damn work! Anyway it is how it goes sometimes. So now I am rescheduled on June 5th! Really that feels like a lifetime away. I will never get a surgery date! I have had hurdle after hurdle to get this surgery and it has me questioning my choice again. I know this is right but then there is this little voice saying maybe all this is a sign. (Damn little voice...bet it's my stomach! I have been depriving it of junk and refined sugar!) Plus at my psy computer test the Dr. said, "You arent that big. I can't believe you are considering surgery. Yes on paper you are obese but you carry it well."(thanks I guess but I don't feel that way and my joints and lungs don't like it either) Then again yesterday the NUT said, "Are you sure you can't lose the weight without surgery you don't have too much to lose. Surgery is a lifetime change. Most of our patients are 350+. " Um hello people my BMI is 41 I need to lose a little over 100 pounds to be within a normal BMI. Plus if I keep on my track I will be one of those patients in 10 years! I thought after being apporved by insurance the hurdles would stop. But they don't. So I thought I made peace with this little voice. Then today my PCP office called and informed me their lab no longer accepts Quest and I would have to pay 350.00 up front or go get the blood work done at Quest. The nearest Quest is 45 minutes away. Really?! If I was just honest with my employer I could get my labs and EKG done here. So I am making this so much harder on myself and the voice is back. I really don't want to have to go to my boss and admit that while my gallbladder is being removed so is 80% of my stomach and that is why I am having so many appts. I work at a drs office so I am sure they are on to me. Gallbladder surgery doesn't require all I have gone through. I feel like I am being pushed to my limit. I have had atleast 1 appt every week for over a month now and I feel like they are all saying the same thing. Madness! Plus the co-pays and PTO! On the bright side I have surprisingly not "cheated" on my low-carb diet. I have had to talk myself out of eating a candy bar a few times! One was last night I had it unwrapped and everything. I threw it away then looked at it in the trash (almost a Senfield moment). But I conquered! woohoo! Anyway...I am not the only one who is going through this and I have to remember that. It will all be ok...right? So how did y'all deal with the stress leading up to surgery? How did you handle the appts. and work with your boss?   TGIfreakingF!
smjuroska

smjuroska

5
 

Changes are a comin...

So I have been through all the emotions scared unsure happy sad calm etc. I am sure I still have some to go. I can only imagine the days or week leading to surgery. I can tend to be doom and gloom when facing the unknown! Then the dreaded pre-op liquid diet! I get snappy when I am hungry and I am sure my family will just love me those 2 weeks. I have been researching, picking brains, and trying to get me ready for this for over a year. I can see the end. Last week when I was approved I thought, "FINALLY" then some strange feeling of panic, and sadness. This was it, it went from I want to have this surgery to I am having this surgery. I mulled over this panic and sadness for a week. I realize that I am scared of changing me (never knew I kinda co depended on fat me until I was faced with finally get rid of her). I am scared/panicky ofcourse of complications and death. I have two young children. I am scared that I may fail. So I have been sitting with these feelings for a week. I woke up today and I know I am on the right path. I am sure those doubts will rear their ugly heads as I near my sleeve date but I know this is right. No ones opinion or advice can change my mind. I got this. Well today I do! What a crazy journey! I also decided to stop the chaos and focus on what is going in my big mouth. I pretty much eat healthy meals it's the in between when I am hungry that gets me. I need to make wiser snack choices. So I'm back on the wagon so to speak. I am even going to replace a meal and snack with a protein shake. So we will see how this goes. Ever since I put in my paperwork I admit I have been having food funerals. So that madness HAS TO STOP! Those funerals are just adding guilt on top of all the other emotions I am having. I am back in control! Happy Monday to us all!
smjuroska

smjuroska

4
 

Two blog entries in 1 day...dang I am on a role

Not really... my intro was written a few months ago and realized I had not published it. Yeah I am one smart cookie...which is funny I say that! So I have been lurking in the shadows of this site for over a year. Looking through all the forums, blogs, and my favorite before and after pics! While doing research aka lurking on this site I have been over the past year going to appt after freaking appt to meet my insurnance requirements for approval for sugery. I finally finished the 6 pcp visits in March and was approved for my surgery the last week of April! YAY right...well yeah so I thought! My surgeron has her own set of requirments which includes a psy eval. No biggie that's pretty standard. I schedule the appt. I am ready to get the show in the road and get my surgery scheduled. Well I go thinking okay this will be a breeze. Yeah not so much I have PMS which basically means I am one lifetime movie away from a good ugly cry and I am tired bloated and trying not to eat any chocolate. I need to reschedule but that will hold everything up. I find out in the first 5 minutes this is the first of 3 appts. Ok so I have to come back here and pay a co pay and miss more time off work. I say is there anyway we can make it all one big appt? No avail! So we procced. It starts out okay... standard questions do you eat when you are sad happy yada yada. Then he ask what is the saddest time in your life and were you ever depressed. I say when my brother died unexpectedly in July of 2011. (Side story we were on family vaca and he got sick and passed away 3 days later...I also had just found out I was pregnant. it was a crazy horrible time in my life) I was really close to him and plus being pregnant made my grief ten fold. I was honestly depressed for a few months but that is to be expected I was grieving. Well he keeps probbing about that and I begin to cry and cry and cry. Gotta love PMS! I get myself together and we move on. Then he ask have you ever done drugs or have you ever got drunk? Yeah I was a wild teenager I did both alot! Dammit Shannon you are falling for his tricks! More questions. Makes me think I am an addict. Which I am not! I haven't touch an illegal substance since I was 22 years old. I am 32 now. Did this guy ever here of experimenting sowing wild oats? I barely can finish off a glass of wine now. My patience with this guy is getting thin. He then ask have you ever been sexually/physically abused. I don't answer. I start to cry again...damn PMS! I really don't want to go there I said. It was a long time ago. He keeps on and on. I go into a little detail and he said I should talk to someone maybe a female psy dr about this. Ok whatever you think... moving on. (I am thinking he thinks I am nuts! ) Surely he has heard worse. I am emotionally mentally done! He then ask remember these words in this order. (insert 3 words) I am repeating them in my head. He then ask the date...I answer. Then who was the president of the US during the Civil War? What I don't know am I in history class now. (If I answer wrong will you not approve me for surgery?) Then what is the capital of Italy? I give him a look. I say why?...I don't know why are you asking me these things? He says just answer the questions. Rome. Yes he says now count backwards from 100 and minus 7 each time. I give a even more nasty look with an eye roll. 100....um 93 ummm 86 no thats not right. Look I am not good at math in my head. I cant do that I need a calculator. He then says I give you an easier one...count back from 30 minus 3 each time. Ok I am offically pissed now I feel like a emotional unstable, addict, who is dumb! Plus I have to meet with him after my computer test to go over his results. I swear if this quack does not approve me I will show him crazy for real! Well probalby not but I will be mad.
smjuroska

smjuroska

9
 

Hello my name is Shannon and I am a fat girl...

So this is my first blog ever. I am blogging like most to keep a journal of my journey and maybe help someone along the way but I am sure I will need alot of that myself. Like most people here I have always been above average in the weight department. I ALWAYS needed to lose 10 vanity lbs in high school. Then when I hit my 20's the weight crept up. I always hated my body! I developed at an early age and look like a grown woman when I was 13. I had the boobs butt hips. Looking back I realized that this is when my problems with food began. It was my comfort. So I got married at 24 and got pregnant a year later. As soon as I saw that postive test it was my ticket to eat whatever I wanted for 9 months. For the first time since I could remember I was not feeling guilty for eating. I packed a whopping 90lbs. on. I was out of control! I had my beautiful baby and then realized I was huge and my body was forever ruined! I exercerised ate low fat low carb and lost 50lbs. Go me! Then life happened and things got stressful and I gained/lost it back, had another beautiful baby, over the next 6 years. I have been on every diet weight watchers atkins all the crazy fads only to go right back to where I started. That yoyoing can really play games on your emotions! So here I am I have 2 beautiful kids, a husband who loves me no matter what, and I am fat and I love myself least of all. I can give all the excuses like I am too busy or this happened and that happened but it all boils down to I put myself last on my list and now I have got to the point that I need help to get me back. The main reason I am doing this surgery is my health. I have a strong family history of early heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I have high total cholesterol high trigs and borderline high insulin levels. I am headed up the same hill many other overweight family members have taken. All of them are in poor health in their 40s and 50s or didn't make much past 50. I cannot end up like them and slowly kill myself. I have lived with my mother for 6 years suffering from heart failure and I know my days are numbered with her. She is only 52 and has given up hope. She has accepted that this is her fate. I can't let me children go through what I am going through with her. I know none of us are promised tomorrow but all my mom's serious health problem are directly related to her poor lifestyle choices. So while I need to get my head right and my emotions in check before surgery I am so glad I have made the choice to have WLS and hopefully be a happy healthy mother and wife for many many many years to come.
smjuroska

smjuroska

5
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