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From Fat & Tired to Fit and Fabulous!

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Where did this fat lady come from?

How long has it been? How long since I felt like I was the right size and weight and everything about my body was acceptable?   And, bigger question... Where did this bloated, waddling, unhealthy, wide loaded woman come from that keeps showing up in my mirror and in pictures that get taken with my family?   Looking in the mirror is so hard, especially in the evenings when I'm getting ready for bed and seeing "all my glory" and realizing I really am as big and ugly fat and tired looking as I feel. Arrrrggghhh!   Is that really me? How did I let myself get to this point? I sit in a dressing room, my cute little teenage daughter (13) trying on adorable trendy little outfits and dresses. I see her spin and pose as she gets in a pink princess thing. She walks back in to try another one on. I'm sitting on a bench holding several hangers of other dresses and feeling tired, again. I look over at the mirror and see myself and I lose it. I cry and almost start sobbing right then and there. It hurts so bad. I used to look like her and I thought I was fat. Is that what doomed me to this? Was it because I didn't thank God for how I looked then? Did I take it for granted?     Honestly, I have thought I was fat from eighth grade (5'7", 130 lbs) when I began to get taller and a little wider in the hips than my little petite and pretty and girly classmates. That's the same age as my youngest daughter. I already hear occasional little comments she makes of herself and things that are not just perfect. I want to make her see how beautiful she is and embrace it!   When I look back at pictures from that time in my life (high school years), I wanna go back and slap her (myself) silly for not appreciating how pretty I was. I really had such an adorable figure. No, I didn't have much in the way of boobs, but I had curves in other "right places." I got attention from boys. I looked great and was tall and thin really, until I had my second child at 22.   In all truth, I know a lot of the explanations and reasons that I am in this place physically. I know there are a variety of things to blame from four pregnancies, perhaps a few medical causes, nutritionally bad choices, laziness, pain, bad marriage, stress, genetics, environment, and probably a few I haven't read about or dealt with yet.   Now in the last three years I come to the point where I have these little break downs like in the dressing rooms multiple times, or getting ready for a night out or to go to church and just sit in my closet and cry and hate myself. I've done it getting out of bed (rather, heaving myself out). Mentally being in a state of fury at my limitations that I know are self-imposed when I try to help my daughter move out of her college apartment and I can't even carry a 15 pound box down a flight of stairs without having to rest 10 minutes and huff and puff like I ran a mile.   This place is my "low point"... my "end of the rope". I'm at the bottom and exhausted enough to finally admit I need MAJOR HELP. And THAT is what brought me to WLS and specifically VSG.   There is a change in my focus that has helped me transition slowly, day by day from disgust with where I let my weight go and my new found hope and belief in myself I have begun to feed little by little with that hope. I can do this... I can do this... I really can be healthy and fit again. There is a tool I can use that I never really considered. Thanks to where I am in my life, the fact that we have good insurance through my husband's job and the support and encouragement he has showered on me constantly... I'm ready.   I'm feeling that by this time next year, I'll be looking in mirrors and pictures and saying "WOW, I knew that pretty girl was still in there somewhere under all the fat."
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On the Post-Op side and New Life ahead...

SURGERY Friday, JULY 12TH at 1:15 p.m. Home Saturday 5 p.m.   It was frustrating to have to change surgeons and clinics, but now that I'm home recovering from my surgery, I couldn't be more pleased that it worked out like it did.   Dr Smith and his staff and all the people involved in my care were excellent. I was at peace the whole time and felt protected and pampered and informed.   My pre-op diet was not a big deal. I mean, I've been dieting for what feels like my whole life anyway. This time, it felt like a privilege. I feel like I'm getting a do-over. I'm getting a giant helping hand to get myself healthy and finally lose weight. Anyway, I drank two protein shakes a day then had a bowl of soup for one meal. I could have yogurt or popsicles for snacks but I only had yogurt once. There were a couple of days I had two bowls of soup instead of a snack.   On Wednesday I went and got pre-admitted and had bloodwork done. That day and Thursday were my clear liquid days. I did better than I thought, except for dealing with bad heartburn. The time for surgery was set. My husband was home and ready to take me. He works in the oilfield so he had to get time off to come home for the surgery. He's been amazing. But I knew he would be. He's my biggest support.   Friday we loaded up and headed to the hospital around 9 a.m. It's a two-hour drive from our house. We got there, I was pre-admitted, so they just checked me in. It took about 5 minutes till they were calling me back to pre-op. The nurse gave me what I needed to change into. I got on my gown, booties and hair cap. A few minutes later the nurse was putting in my IV. A little after that the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself. My daughters and husband came back then to give me hugs and support and visit a few minutes before they took me to surgery. Within no time, they were wheeling me out to the operating room.   Last thing I remember is the nurses that were guiding the bed and saying they were bad drivers. Then, I was out of it. I was told it took about and hour and fifteen minutes. I remember being semi-conscious and coughing (that was painful). But then I was out again for a little while, then started coming to. The pain wasn't bad at all when I regained consciousness. They said I coughed up a little blood when they took out the breathing tube. That's what I had remembered. My throat was a little sore, but not too bad. I had dry mouth but was told I'd just have to deal with that because I couldn't have anything at all in my mouth until after the swallow test the next morning.   It was done. Everything went well. My hernia was just a small repair, taking one stitch. So after being in recovery about 30 minutes, I got to go to my room. There was my husband, daughters and parents waiting to see me. The nurses, techs, RT all introduced themselves. They made sure I was comfortable. I texted my other kids and some friends that everything went well. It was nice and relaxing.   After a little visiting and making sure I was okay, everyone but my husband left. So about two hours after surgery it was time to get up. That wasn't too fun, but I made it. I was able to go urinate and then walked one lap around the floor of the hospital. The nausea was difficult at times but I never vomited. I was very thankful for the quick acting pain meds when I needed them. I was able to do the deep breathing with no trouble at all too. Every two hours or so I'd get up and walk and use the bathroom. Hubby and I just visited, napped, watched TV, as the nurses would come in and check vitals, give meds, change IV, etc. all through the night. I had to call and ask for pain and nausea meds only twice. My incisions aren't huge, but a little bigger than I thought they would be. I have five scars healing nicely across my abdomen.   Saturday morning was restful and just tried to walk occasionally and stay comfortable. Around 9 am I got to do my swallow test. It went just fine. I was afraid to drink the barium, but there was no problem. It wasn't the best taste, but not too bad really. NO LEAKS!   Then, I got my water. One ounce at a time, every fifteen minutes for four hours. If I drank too fast, I got nauseous, so I had to slow down. The doctor came in around 1 pm to see how I was doing. All good reports. So it was time to get checked out. Before I knew it, I was getting dressed, signing release papers, and walking out of the hospital.   Now, the ride home was the worst part of my whole experience with surgery. I hadn't had a dose of pain meds since about 11 am. It's a two hour ride without traffic home, but, let me tell you, after abdominal surgery, you feel every single bump in the road!!! Plus, I had forgotten to pick up all my prescriptions before surgery so we had to make a side-trip to the pharmacy which took another hour. By the time we got home at 5 p.m. I was in pain, big time. I got to my recliner and that's where I've been most of the time. Our bed it tall, so I'm not going to try that till my belly isn't so sore.   I took the pain medicine (liquid, thankfully), but didn't look at the measurement right and only took a third of a dose. Because of that it didn't help much with my pain. I was suffering and concerned, so I called my doctor to ask if it was okay to take a dose sooner than 6 hours apart. He okayed a dose four hours from the first. That's when I realized that I had not taken enough the first time and after the correct dosage, I was getting relief. I kept drinking, but only tiny sips. I took a dose of nausea medication with the next pain med dose, but haven't needed any more of it since. I'm taking the pain meds to help my body heal without stress. I got my cpap hooked up beside my recliner and then was able to get some pretty great sleep.   Today, Sunday, has been really good. My sweet mother made my husband and daughter yummy meatloaf, veggies, banana pudding and cantaloupe and brought it over on their way to church. I am blessed!   I'm more relaxed, walking around the house a bit, still feeling pain in the incisions but less than it was. I was able to take my liquid vitamins and opened my iron capsule, omeprazole capsule and vitamin D3 cap into the multi vitamins and took them together. I just put my b-12 sublingual under my tongue as I normally do, and chewed up my biotin dots. Then took my liquid antibiotic and a dose of pain meds. I was feeling pretty good and mixed up a unflavored, unsweetened protein powder in water. No problem at all. I just drank it an ounce at a time and gauged my tummy reaction. It was all good. About an hour later I had some beef broth. I think it gave me some gas. I took some gas X.   I've ordered a bathroom scale and it should be delivered tomorrow. I think I've lost about 15 pounds since starting my pre-op diet. My belly already looks like it is deflating, Yeah!   I'm so glad to be on to the next goal. That goal is to make it through the week of clear liquids and get some energy back and the surgery pain over with.
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My Story - A deeper look

I'm Tammy (or Flutterby - the original name for a butterfly... )   I'm 45 yrs old, 5'8" tall. I weigh 295 lbs. My BMI is at 44.8. My first goal is 170 lbs. Ultimate goal is 137 lbs.   I've struggled with my weight since my second child was born about 23 years ago. I tend to gain weight all over. Well, except my bust area (strange). However, in the last several years I have gained more in my belly. I look like I'm about eight months pregnant... Uggghh! Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved being pregnant and I adore being a mother, but I’m not having any more children and I’m ready to be able to lose all MY baby fat. The baby fat may have stayed with me, but I added a whole person’s weight to it. I need to lose half of my weight – a whole person’s worth. Only those who have been here understand how much that realization can hurt and disgust me.   I have tried to lose weight by diet, exercise, supplements and programs just like so many others here. From Slim Fast, Cabbage Soup Diet, Herbal Life, fasting up to two weeks at a time,, Atkins, Low Calorie, Juicing Diets, Wheat Belly Diet, Gluten Free Diet, Gaps Diet, Hallelujah Diet, Mediterranean diet, Paleo Diet, HydroxiCut, Green Tea, many herbal supplements, OTC aids, a short span on prescription diet meds and thyroid medication and using vinegar as a diet aid. As I think about it, losing weight been a driving desire/force in my life since I turned 23. The endless weight loss/exercise and health-related books and internet ideas and “snake oil” type cures, well I’ve researched and attempted many of those as well.   I've tried exercise alone, or in combination with diet plans. I've used 10 to 12 different exercise videos both aerobic and weight lifting combined with aerobics, walking, swimming, biking, stationary machines, free weights, machines like elliptical, treadmill, stationary bikes, etc.   My results were sporadic and frustrating. I could stay with a weight loss or "get healthy" plan for months, sometimes even three years at a time but when I failed to lose weight at all or stalled with 10 or 15 pounds loss with hard work and high cost to sustain, I would slowly go back to eating my "normal diet". “Going back to my old ways” basically meant 70% healthy choices and still incorporating something new I learned, but I would stop resisting the dessert, the chips and dip, the popcorn with butter. I think the "extras" and "snacks" are one of my biggest weaknesses. I’ve also noticed in the last few months that I really do eat big portions especially when alone. I keep cooking for a big family and it’s only me and my teenage daughter at home to eat right now.   No matter what, my weight has continued to climb the last 23 years. I get so sick of my failure to be able to control it or change it. Several times I have resigned myself to being fat. But as I got bigger and older, other things started happening to my health and I realized how much it affected my family and my ability to actually live life like I longed to.   I kept thinking there had to be a "key" or a certain combination of things that would magically get my health back under control and I'd start losing weight. I had a sleep study done and found out I had severe obstructive sleep apnea. I was full of hope that using a CPAP would solve my problems because obviously I wasn't sleeping well with meant I wasn't getting proper rest. This in turn, I thought, surely meant it affected my metabolism and maybe perpetuated the problems with my weight.     I considered that since I started gaining excess weight when my first marriage got emotionally and mentally and sexually abusive I might have been trying to be less desirable to protect myself from my husband at the time. I just wanted to be safe. I could write out that long story here, but suffice to say I got out of the marriage finally, after 16 years.   What is frustrating is that even the strength and self esteem and “new lease on life” I gained by getting out of that marriage didn’t translate into the weight loss I should have or wanted to have and continued to try to have.   So, was my weight gain or inability to lose it initially due to the stress of the bad marriage that involved sexual abuses? Maybe, maybe not. More likely it was also genetics and environmental (how I was raised nutritionally). Both my parents are obese and have struggled most of their adult lives trying to lose weight and now dealing with health problems related to being overweight.   However I got here, I’m here. And I am so thankful and grateful that things have worked out for me to have this surgery. It’s such an answer to prayer and a dream come true. Honestly, I want this personally, but doing it for my family is a super-close second!   One thing I am appreciative of is that I’ve probably learned enough about nutrition, vitamins, food, feeding a body, metabolism, weight gain concepts, healthy living and very interesting discoveries about foods like kefir, kombucha, barley green, apple cider vinegar, good water, food supplements, and the benefits of grass fed beef, range fed chickens & their eggs, and home grown vegetables to write my own book. However, since I’m having weight loss surgery – I doubt it would be deemed worthy of contributing to my health. It’s sad, but true. True because all these things didn’t “work” to help me lose weight. However, I do believe with all my heart that all I have learned will continue to be super valuable to feed my body right after I’m sleeved!     My mantra has been, “If I don’t put myself first for once and lose the weight and get healthy, how can I be what my family needs me to be?” How can I truly give and serve and support and enjoy in my marriage and our children’s lives unless I first take care of me? Initially weight loss surgery can seem selfish and irresponsible. Only initially! In all truth, it is smart and right for me because it is what lines up with my vision of my future.
Flutterby

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I'm gonna start singing because this fat lady (me), is OVER it!

"It ain't over till the fat lady sings"   So, I think I'll write a song about this struggle and drama and love/hate relationship with food and my experiences with being obese....errr, I'm FAT...then I'll sing it and it'll be OVER. Ha ha ha... well, maybe not.   Maybe I'll change the saying to "It ain't over till the fat lady sleeves!"   There are so many things I can't do, or choose not to do because of my weight. It's like a prison in ways (weighs)..and self-imposed sometimes, other times because of things I can't control.   Some things are just literally impossible to do. Like running, fitting into a roller coaster seat, etc. Other things I won't do because it embarrasses me to do it or I'm afraid of being judged (wearing shorts, having my picture taken) Silly and sad and vain at times, but true.   Singing is one of those things in my life that people say I should do more of. Why don't I?   It's because of my weight. I absolutely LOVE to sing, and I believe I'm pretty good at it. My husband even bought me a guitar last Christmas and I attempted to learn to play it three or four times till it made me cry trying to hold it and play it with nearly no lap and a belly that looks like I'm about 7 months pregnant. Then, of course, I feel guilty because it looks like I didn't totally adore him for buying it for me - he loves me to sing.   Of course, being overweight doesn't prevent me from singing, physically speaking, other than I seem to have more limits on my lung capacity. There is, however, the lack of energy, and being depressed about being unable to lose weight without WLS and be healthy and realizing how it affects my family and my goals and our future... all add up to mean I don't feel much like singing these days. I admit the way I look affects my self acceptance and esteem. What's there to sing about? Yeah, and the occasional pity party.   So, WLS is my "swan song"...lol. I'm gonna be the fat lady singing that my losing battle with FAT is OVER. I'm gonna use this WLS tool to kick the BUTT of obesity in my life!   And, this got me to thinking about all those "little things" and "big things" I will be so very happy to do again, or things that will be different (in a good way), whether it's because of the physical limits, or because I choose not to because of my weight and size and my feelings of guilt and frustration for not keeping myself healthy and fit.   So, the parts of my life or things that will change or improve when I am at my healthy goal weight --- (from 295 to 150-ish)   Energy - Hugs - Clothing - Shoes - Less pain - Marriage - Travel - Sleep - Pictures - Singing - Swelling - Exercise - Activities - Social life - Family get-togethers - Summertime - well, here's some detail...in no particular order and by no means complete:   1. I can walk into a "normal people" department store and find a cute dress that fits me. How happy I will feel... because I will always remember what it was like before, at 300 lbs....   (No more crying in the dressing room, I have to get a bigger size? good grief, how hard it is to move around just to change clothes because I'm sweating and it's a small space and the mirror is mean to me.)   2. I can wear cute shoes. I can wear strappy sandals. I can wear heels. I can put shoes on without holding my breath.   (No more "supportive" shoes for plantar faciitis-hopefully, so no more heel pain and knee pain, hip pain that presently prevent the heels and cute shoes I want to wear)   3. I can sleep.. fall asleep for a nap anywhere... spend the night anywhere. Sleep will be good.   (No more CPAP needed. Sleep Apnea cured.)   4. Climb stairs, walk fast, walk all day shopping   (No more getting totally out of breath to the point I black out or wheezing like I am dying)   5. Fit in things/seats.... - be it plane, train, roller coaster... or restaurant booth, movie theater, desk chair, swing, stadium seat.   (No more fear of breaking a chair, not fitting and being told I'm too heavy, no more pain in chairs that are not big enough for me, no fear of the terribly judgmental looks from passengers on a plane or train as they see me get on - hoping I'm not sitting next to them...uugghh)   6. ENERGY ... Oh my, that one applies to so many areas - or every area of life.   7. Sex ... I'll leave the details unsaid - but this is a priority. It's gonna be better than my present weight allows it to be.   8. Mom & Grandmother things - My grown children are close to marrying age and in serious relationships which means upcoming weddings and not too many years till they'll be having kids, too. The thought of being healthy, energetic and active for the future is great motivation here too.   9. Long life - My husband and I have been married three years this July. It's not our first go-around, and we have a LOT of things to enjoy as we grow together and we want a long, enjoyable future - not one filled with pain, health problems and limitations.   10. I'll SING - I have committed to pursue this talent in a way that will be personally fulfilling and hopefully inspirational. It's not that I can't sing now, while I'm overweight... but I feel as though losing my excess weight will be like a curtain lifting to reveal the "me" I've been all along, but finally I admitted needing help to find again.   So many more... but for now, that's what I'll remind myself of today. This is why the surgery will be worth it. The pain, the challenge, the new habits, the struggles, the day to day choices, the realization and commitment to the lifestyle changes, and the milestones that may come slowly.     Flutterby (it's gotta be what butterflies were really called first... there it goes, fluttering by) and I'm coming out of this cocoon too... soon!
Flutterby

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Five Days In - I'm ready for changes...

Beginning weight 296. Surgery weight 286 (lost 10 lbs on pre-op diet), 3 days post op weight 273. (13 lbs since surgery - total 23 lbs lost)   Recovery and healing is going good. Liquids...liquids... and more clear liquids. I can actually take regular size drinks now instead of baby sips. I don't gulp and do take one or two swallows at a time.. but it's feeling wonderful. I'm having less and less pain at my incision sites and can walk around and do light (very light) housework for 10 to 15 minute stretches at a time.   I'm able to get in 50g of protein (unsweetened and unflavored powder in 12 oz. water each time). I'm drinking 80 oz of water, around 30 oz. of beef, chicken or vegetable broth, 100% juice jello, gelled broth, and an occasional zero vitamin water.   I'm not a fan of sweet protein shakes. I don't mind them, and I'll drink one occasionally and they taste great, it's just that I'd rather have something not sweet. I like fruit and fruit juice okay, but prefer savory, salty, creamy, sour and sometimes spicy tastes. Anyway, that's why I got the plain protein powder to mix in water. I found it on Amazon - Now Sports brand of Whey Protein Isolate.   I'm glad I only have two days left of clear liquids. I'm craving something more "full". I look forward to fruit smoothies, creamed cottage cheese, yogurt, and creamed soups. I can use my protein powder in any and all of my "full liquids" so I'll be sure to get my 80 grams per day goal met that way.   I'm keeping my food journal and going to make it a habit. I'm still feeling very optimistic and positive and happy every day. I'm so glad I did this!!!   When it comes time in my sleeve diet progression that I can add all of the ingredients, I plan to use my morning smoothies to get a great nutritional boost every day. I may have one for a snack each afternoon too. I have a magic bullet so I can make a small powerful blast of nutrition. I'll put in fresh frozen spinach cubes (using fresh spinach blended with a small amt of water then put into ice cube trays to freeze), with a couple frozen strawberries or blueberries, banana chunks, peaches, pineapple, etc. (usually I pick two fruits, sometimes three) Then I'll add barley grass powder and veggie/fruit concentrate powder, chia seeds, protein powder and epa oil. Occasionally I may put in a tbsp of fresh peanut butter, almond butter, avacado, coconut oil, or cocoa powder. Yum.. I can't wait.   I've got several soups frozen in individual serving size all ready for when I start my pureed stage... plus frozen cooked chicken left from when I made all my broth... and I'm going to get my crock pot going when it's time to make more mushy veggies and things to puree.   Awww.. now just to be patient with myself as I walk day by day in the moment and do what I need to do to get to each new goal. That's the hard part.   I love the planning, list making, preparing, etc. The fulfilling part of reaching goals is so motivating. Every time I get to mark something off my "to-do" list, or write down a goal accomplished or realize I need to begin working on the next phase - I just smile and remind myself that YES, I can do this... I AM doing this...and I am going to keep moving forward.   The challenges, set-backs, revising, unexpected interruptions, changes and knock downs are there to make me stronger. I usually don't see it that way in the midst of the "problem" or "issue" or "failure" and can get downright depressed and feel sorry for myself. But that's only temporary. Failure is NOT final. Success is mine because I keep getting back up and shaking off the bad stuff - I'm stronger and more focused than ever.
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Call Me Maybe -- NOW!

Yesterday (5-14-13) they finally called and told me the insurance approved my WLS. WOO HOO!   We had to go back and forth with the clinic personnel and the insurance company reps over and over to get everyone on the same page. Unfortunately we were dealing with an insurance coordinator at the bariatric clinic that was inexperienced. We discovered she had entered and submitted the wrong code twice. Because of that and other mistakes they kept concluding the insurance wouldn't cover the surgery due to being a pre-existing condition. Talk about confusing!   I would call, or my husband would and feel like we got everything straight and our insurance company rep kept reassuring us it was covered and all was well. Then we wait again. I guess the people who were to follow up wouldn't read the complete file and were thinking I would have a long waiting period to be covered. They would just go silent until I got worried and called again and again and find out they are still thinking it's not covered. This has happened three times now.   Someone didn't read their notes very well. So after many frustrating phone calls with confusing conclusions, my wonderful husband would take them to task and got things done! Three conference calls with the insurance and clinic and my husband all together and now we got the right codes, the right person to understand and things are moving forward. He's my hero!   Now, I was supposed to get a call yesterday or today about the WHEN! and.... Oh good grief. I keep getting butterflies in my big 'ole tummy and waiting on the scheduling lady to call me and let me know the date.   I'm nervous and happy and worried she won't call and I'll wonder why. Please let it all get done fast and let me get on the final stretch of the waiting race. I want to get to the next phase of my journey to health.   On Mother's Day we went out to eat with my folks and two of our seven kids (daughters 23 and 13), and I decided I would have my husband take a picture of us (Me, Mom and my girls) after our meal. Mind you, I normally would NEVER suggest a picture to include me. Part of me wishes I hadn't this time because it literally HURTS to look at what I've let happen. But, I know it's a "Before" picture and I need this to motivate me and reassure me of this path toward a wonderful future I am on.   Come on scheduling lady, CALL ME MAYBE? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
Flutterby

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