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This friday... and the mental battle

My surgery date is this friday, and boy is the mental warfare raging. I've never been of normal size...(okay, I was from birth until age 5). So I have a very deep rooted attachment to those foods which give me positive affirmation, feel good hormones bring me pleasure via my tongue, etc. Counseling didn't help, because it's truely an addiction, and I just wonder is this really going to work for me.   I keep trying to imagine what it will be like when I wake up after surgery and the deed is done, and I have my first "mental hunger" for the "feel good" response needed from something sweet. I know there is going to be a lot of tears, a lot of shouting at my husband that I did this for him (which is only half true...I am doing it for me too), a lot of regrets and remorse. But in the end, as the weight drops, I hope to be excited about where my life/body is going.   Sadly I have not fully embraced what is about to happen to me because I'm fearful. Fearful that life without food (large quanities of unhealthy food) won't be as "sweet" as life has been with food.   But let me say that right there is a lie that my subconscious believes, because the more I eat, the worse I feel. The more my body hurts, the lazier I feel, the less I want to do the things that do bring me "feel good" hormones, that last and leave me in a better place than when I started...like the 11 mile bike ride I took this weekend. Hiking to the top of mountains (real ones..ha!) in the Smoky Mtns. Kayaking.   So, for now, I'm clinging to the hope that losing this weight will replace what is currently bringing me pleasure (but leaving me heavier and unhealthier), with something that is lasting and that will help me to live a long, healthy, and most important to me, active life. And I'm so tired of the yo-yo dieting, of the struggle to lose 10 lbs and have one weekend of "fun" and gain it all back...the endless dieting cycles. I do know I am down to 2 options...the surgery, or "let myself go" and ballooning back up to my highest (320) or higher which means giving up the activities I do enjoy. I don't have one single more "just try this diet" in me. Only radical change such as this is going to help me.   Ready or not... here comes the sleeve. I will embrace it...but first it will embrace me
rebecca_dsu

rebecca_dsu

1
 

Saying good bye for a while, and perhaps some forever, to food... the last few weeks until Surgery.

I am 7 days away from an 8 mile hike up to LeConte Lodge in Great Smoky Mountains National Park, 8 days away from hiking 5.5 miles down from that mountain, 9 days away from a 7 day vacation in Hawaii, and 32 days away from being sleeved. It is going to be an exciting month.   However, I have really struggled with the "food funeral". I have had binge like behavior for the past couple of weeks, and have basically let my "inner fat girl" have everything she wants, and the result of that...the added weight, the bloat, the heart burn, the sluggish "I just want to be lazy" feelings, etc have taken enough of a toll on me, and I have finally decided that enough is enough. It's time to start preparing my brain for what my body is about to go through.   Today I kind of gave the following talk to myself...   Dear Food,   You have always been there for me. You were there for me when I was alone in the evenings after school, you were there for me when people hurt my feelings, you were there when I was alone, you were there when I was rejected, when I was awarded, when I was celebrated. You were there through the loneliness of my teens when I didn't have any "real" friends..during the long hour and a half drive from my mom's to my dad's house when I started driving alone. You were there through my college years when boys rejected me, when the school work got hard and continued on into the night. You were there in my lonely apartment in my early 20's, and there when I went through the financial crisis which landed me back in my parent's house feeling defeated. You were there when I moved to a new state at 28 with my fiance' and I was stressed about leaving everything I knew and loved behind other than this one man. And you were there when my dad died of a heart attack at 57 (obesity related) one week after that move, and through the months that followed trying to get his estate finalized while living 500 miles away. You were there in the nervousness of my wedding, and of being a new bride. You were there through the stresses of every long day of every tax season, and then when I went out on my own as a bookkeeper. You have been there every evening to help me alleviate stress lately. You have been what I've looked forward to at the end of the day. You have comforted me, you have praised me, you have distracted me, you have brought me pleasure.   But you have also brought me pain. You have brought me "weight", literally. My bones hurt, my body aches, my feet are killing me, my back feels like it's in knots. My heart races these days with the slightest hill or stair case. You have made me depressed which caused me to ponder that death might be better than life when I feel I can't overcome your power. You are holding me back from my passions of the outdoors. I can hardly hike up hills these days without feeling like I'm going to die. My heel pain is just getting worse with every pound you add to my body. I don't feel sexy anymore... You are tearing apart my life and I'm only 32.   I thank you for having been there for me, but I think in order to have the best life I can, I'm going to have to part with you, or atleast part of you. God has brought other things into my life to take over the work you were doing all alone. I have a husband who can comfort me and celebrate me. I have friends who can help me to not be lonely and a bible study group to strengthen me when I'm feeling bad. I have a bike, a kayak, hiking boots and a backpack that will keep me entertained. I have a fantastic gym membership and a mini home gym that can keep me distracted from work when need be. I have kitties who can sooth me on lonely days when I need "love" (okay, my husband can do that too if he's not working late)   I will be okay with out large quantities of you. Our relationship is changing, and while I'll still partake of you, I need the best you, you have to give.... things that will make me strong and healthy instead of weak and lazy. The sugary things that I let sooth me have to go...perhaps one day I'll be able to enjoy a bite or two, but since you've turned me into a sugar addict, that day will be far away when I'm at goal and am finally in control.   Here's to change!     Tomorrow, I will start a low carb, 2 protein shakes a day (I have plenty of sample packets to choose from), and one protein + complex carb + either 1/2 a sweet potato or 1/2 cup cooked quinoa meal a day, food plan. I will get out of this sugar fog, and back into "the light". And I'll flush out the funk with lots of water and green tea. I'm ready to start my new life even though I am 32 days before surgery and am only required to do a 7 day low carb pre-op diet. I'm just ready! With my hike before Hawaii, and lots of hiking/walking planned in Hawaii (and fresh pineapple!!) I can stay on track until my surgery.   Wish me luck fellow pre op and post op sleevers! I appreciate you and your stories and questions more than you know!!     Edit: No need to suggest counseling...I've already been doing it for 5 months and will probably continue after surgery. I wish I could say it's helping with the mental stuff...but I don't see it.
rebecca_dsu

rebecca_dsu

4
 

Waiting on the Calendar...

It has been a ruff couple of weeks. I'm taking this food funeral thing a bit too far, and I've felt like crap and been depressed because of it. I know that the way I feel is because I'm eating the wrong things, not exercising like normal, and the scale is going up.   I'm not sure if others out there are sugar addicts as well (meaning one of something is never enough, and you feel like a junkie when you haven't had sugar...but as soon as you do you are "all good" and can think straight again)....but I am so ready for this surgery. I'm ready for the pain and misery with having to deal with my food addiction in the weeks that follow, and that will be my "come clean" time. When I make it past about 7 days sugar free, I feel "normal" again...happy. But these days I can't seem to make it a day. (And I've been in counseling for 5 months now with no avail.....)   Being that weak and lacking in self control feel so humiliating...but it's truth. I had planned to lose 10 lbs before going to Hawaii in a few weeks, but I feel so powerless right now, that I don't know if I can. I need to get back to "clean eating" even if just for the next two weeks to detox my digestive system (and brain). So starting tomorrow I'm going to.   I hate the way sugar makes me feel. I seriously need this "intervention"....come on June 7th!!!
rebecca_dsu

rebecca_dsu

5
 

The beginning...well, not so much...

So this is my first blog entry on VST... I have a couple blogger blogs, but I'm not ready to share with blogland, and my family who reads those blogs, the fact that I'm getting ready to have WLS in 7 weeks. So, for now, I'll just blog here, with you guys   A little bit about me. I grew up overweight...and not just a little. My weight began to climb when I was in first grade and by 5th grade I was 165. By the time I graduated from high school I was at 275, and by the time I turned 25 I was 320ish. I am originally from Mississippi (the most obese state in the nation), though I now live in Tennessee. I love food, especially sugar, and over the past year I've had trouble with binge behavior.   When I turned 25, I hit my all time "pit of despair" moment. I was broke, having to move back in with my parents after being out on my own post college for only a year, and I was at my heighest weight. I decided to finally get my finances back in order, and to finally drop some weight. I had been on a ton of diets, but just like a yo-yoer I'd lose 20, gain back 25...but something "clicked" this time. I started cutting back and trying to make better food choices, and started exercising. I went from 320 to 245 in 2 years (2006 - 2008). I then met a boy, got engaged, moved to another state and got married, and here I am just having had my 3 year anniversary. Since 2008 I have yo-yoed again from a high of 255 to a low of 215 and I've been up and down and all around in between those numbers for the past 5 years...and it is BEYOND frustraiting and heartbreaking. I feel defeated. Every day I think about food...about wanting it, about wanting to lose the weight, about feeling guilty when I eat something I shouldn't, about needing to go the gym, about it all...and I'm "exhausted" of the merry go round.   I agreed to move to TN because after losing some of my initial weight, I found out how much I love the outdoors, and being next to the Smoky Mtns, I have plenty to do. I love hiking, biking and kayaking, and sometimes, even running the local greenways. But I have a mental and physical battle against my own body, and the weight that holds me down. However, no matter how hard I try, I always end up turning to food, and with my big ole stomach, I can eat tons of it.   On Easter weekend this year, after haven eaten about 6 reese's pb eggs & 2 cadbury eggs, and a ton of jelly beans...we were driving home from my parents when I got upset my husband wouldn't stop at a DQ for a blizzard. "You want ice cream after eating all of that...?!" I just felt horrible, and he was right. Why did I crave soooo much and have room for sooo much? From out of nowhere (well I believe it was the holy spirit...) the thought of weight loss surgery came to mind (all these years battling this and I never once thought of WLS as an option). Within a week I had secured the funds, the doctor, the airline tickets, and a surgery date. Now it's just a waiting game.   I'll blog later about what I've done to try to lose the rest of this weight... but I do know I'm a food addict...well a sugar addict (I won't binge on broccoli and fish...) And I am fearful of finally having to face my relationship with food head on and break up with it. The past few weeks I have neglected the gym and I have had wayyy too many McD's chocolate chip cookies. My brain is freakin' out over what I'm about to do to my body, and I'm having a hard time just getting back into a place of maintaining my weight before I start the preop diet in a few weeks. But I am so ready...I've been ready... June 7th, it's on.   Wish me luck!     Before - 320lbs (2005) This Easter - 245ish (2013)
rebecca_dsu

rebecca_dsu

7
 

Life with "Tiny Tum" begins!

I wrote a pretty long post about my surgery and experience on my blogger blog, which you can find HERE . But for the reader's digest version:   Surgery went great with Dr. Aceves and his staff down at Hospital Almater down in Mexicali. The hospital beautiful and clean, the staff super friendly and the language difference wasn't an issue. My "final meal" the night before was a fantastic italian dish of chicken and tortellini with tiramisu for dessert.   The day after surgery was the worst and painful with the gas pains and drain site discomfort, but by day 3, I was much better. Day 4 we flew home, and today I have done 3 loads of laundry and put them up, walked 30 minutes on my treadmill, and put up everything from traveling, and feel almost back to "normal"...ha!   I didn't reach my 64 oz liquid, 70 grams of protein, but I'm getting closer every day. I did make some "protein infused sugar free jello" and with a dollup of coolwhip, it rocked. I've also had the unjury chicken broth, and diluted gatorade today...both good. I have found my Tiny Tum doesn't really care for the artificial sweetners added to water (like vitamin water zero and the syntrix necture stuff), but hopefully that will change.   I even made a big spaghetti dinner for my husband with roasted yellow squash and garlic bread, and didn't even crave it...it was very odd. Like perhaps I wanted a taste, but didn't want it in my stomach if that makes sense. It was the weirdest thing... but I'm thankful!   Still happy I made this decision, and I plan to wait until Friday morning to do my first post surgery weigh in.   And so...Life begins with Tiny Tum
rebecca_dsu

rebecca_dsu

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