jessicakayyy's Blog

So optimistic. . . then kaploowey!

Well, after browsing this site all yesterday and reading others blogs, I decided that I should put my own thoughts to page and hopefully get some really awesome feedback from people who actually get it. First off, let me share a little of my story. I have always struggled with weight, even in high school. I was really active, participating in soft ball and played golf for my school. I was "plus size" even then. Got married at 20 to a man in the Navy, and then divorced by 24. I guess you could say I am an emotional eater, but this journey really has taught me a lot about what I actually need for nutrition as opposed to that satiating yummy feeling, that usually ends up making me sick 30 minutes afterward. I have tried every diet known to man, to only be knocked down a peg and it not be successful. After numerous tests (when my weight spiked to 299, and bp was 180/103) my doctors determined that not only do I have high bp, sleep apnea, PCOS, and depression; they found that my thyroid was barely working. I was referred to a seminar with Mission health at the end of November and from there it really has been a fast, whirlwind process. Had my first doctors appointment in December, and now here we are April, and I'm going into surgery in two weeks. I have been so blessed with my insurance plan. BCBS of NC has literally come back with an approval hours after submission. So far the process has been stress free and everyone has been really supportive. I can only think that this is devine intervention or something. Well, anyways. Today marks my first day of "full liquids" and I was so excited. It is like that final step before surgery. I sit and day-dream about all the things I'm going to get to do. All the clothes (that you don't have to pay extra for) that I can wear. It started almost like any morning, I was sitting at my desk at work. I had made the terrible mistake of telling my co-worker that I had taken "before" pictures. Which I probably will never share with anyone. Seeing yourself from a third person prospective totally warped my sense of "self-image." Like, I have no illusions that I'm obese. But at least when I look in the mirror I go "hmm, not that bad," but when I saw the pictures I was like OH MY GOODNESS, how could I let myself get like that? Anyways, my co-worker is and this is her quote "126 pounds and OH MY GOD a size 6" she's gorgeous. I hear daily from random patients "you are the most beautiful woman I've seen." While here I am a troll, hiding in my cave at work. She had the comforting idea to go "I took before pictures too!" (as she is doing crossfit three times a week and resistance four times a week) I can barely walk to the bathroom without getting out of breath. Of course her before pictures were disgusting and hideous and should be burned. I snapped. (Not proud, but whatever). I looked at her and said, "do you realize I've NEVER been a size 6." She retorted, "when I started working here I was a size 2, but everyone eats all the time I just join in." Like it's my fault she's gained six pounds and went up two pant sizes. We currently are acting icy towards each other and I just laughed at her response and told her I had work to do. So after saying all of that, I beg to ask... do people really not get it? When they think they are being helpful and supportive, do they really not hear what comes out of their mouths? I hate that I've let her ruin my day so early, but I'm so frustrated that someone so beautiful could think so little of herself to compare her to me, and think that its supportive that she's gained weight working here also. Just sayin' I would probably risk 10-20 years in prison to get a body like hers. SIGH, am I being petty?

jessicakayyy

April 3, 2013

Tomorrow! Eeeee!

Welp, tomorrow is the big day! Arrive at the hospital @ 6:30 for surgery start @ 8:30. I'm not really nervous yet. More excited than anything. Weight has been a lifetime struggle for me, and finally I feel like I have a team on people on my side cheering me on. By far, the liquid diet has been the worst part of this experience. I didn't like soup before the diet, always been a salad person before a meal. About four days in, just the thought of having more soup turned my stomach. Sugar free jello, lowfat yogurt, and protien shakes really saved me here. I am sitting here at work just patiently waiting for 5:00 pm to hit. My bags are packed, all thats left is the showers with those spongy things and arrival. Before I know it I'll have a new tummy. I hope everyone else going through this experience has just as much excitement when they get to this stage as I do.

jessicakayyy

April 16, 2013

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So optimistic. . . then kaploowey!

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