In search of..... Me!

Why is this so hard?

I have started, deleted and restarted this post so many times. It shouldn't be this difficult to write my first post, I have so much to say... I don't want to start at the "beginning" that needs to come, but I am not sure if I am ready to put into words what brought me to the place I am today. So I think I am going to just talk about why this surgery is important to me. The goals I want to achieve with this surgery and what I want to do for myself along the way. Goals Its easy to set a weight loss goal. I have had a number in mind from the first time I stepped foot in a Weight Watchers meeting when I was 23 years old. I picked a number right smack in the middle of the "acceptable" range. 142... The last time I saw a weight that started with a 1 and a 4 was when I was in the 7th grade. There is a part of me that thinks there is no way in this world I will ever EVER achieve that number again. There is a bigger part of me that says I can do this, no I can do this! So in my head I have a few weight loss goals, and reasons. 280: I chose this number because spring of 2012 I worked my butt off for months, with a trainer, 5-6-7 days a week in the gym. Taking step followed by Combat in one day and not blinking an eye. I lost 15# and for the life of me I could not get past 280, I grew frustrated and worried about answering to my trainer and.... I gave up. 261: Forever... my top weight was 261, I mean years. I started Weight Watchers so many times at this number it is unreal. It also happens to be the weight where my body seems to react to my weight and causes a metabolic response that causes me to be irregular with my monthly cycle (Sorry guys if this is TMI but it is true) From the moment we women start menstruating we women complain about how horrid it is, how much it effects our lives. After struggling for the past few years of random 2-3 times a year cycles I can say there is nothing that makes me feel like less of a woman than the fact that I do miss that every month. It might sound crazy but I think the first time I get my cycle two times in a row I will probably cry... 220: The one and only time I have been completely successful in a weight loss journey was 5.5 years ago. I counted every damn calorie I stuck in my mouth, I counted every damn calorie I burned on the eliptical, I worked hard and it showed. I had someone, that I respect very much, tell me I was like a rose getting ready to bloom any day. I WILL be that rose someday.... and I can't wait. 199: Who doesn't have this as a goal? The last time I weight around this weight was after I gave birth to my son. My pregnancy was not the cause of my weight gain. I started my pregnancy at 190# I gave birth to my son at 204# and the day I left the hospital I weight 189#. Yes I was overweight, I admit it, but I was OK. I don't really have a goal between 199 and 142. I don't know where I will land. I know this... I will not stop until I am happy. I love strength, I love muscle and there is nothing that makes me happier than showing up my friends on the gym floor with the weights. We have a University in my town that does body composition testing with the egg thing, once I get to the point where I feel I am close to a goal or I am feeling comfortable I am going to get a full body composition. I did this to lose weight and be healthy, I want to have a healthy body fat percentage and I want it to be accurate. More than anything... Size 2, Size 22 I am doing this for me, and only me. I want to be healthy and truly happy for the first time in a really really long time. I can't wait to add more along the road! I leave you with a picture of me and my pride and joy. I always wanted FIVE children and God has blessed me with one perfectly imperfect son. I know I will have more children someday, more than likely through adoption or marriage but.... you never know! He is my reason.... He is my soul.... He is my life.... He is rotten... and makes me work for kisses (typical 14yo)

Macy6

September 23, 2013

Battle of the Cheesecake

When we have surgery we say that we are doing it for our Heath, that when temptation comes we will be the one to battle and win and in some cases we are. We say when we are subject to birthdays and holidays that our surgery will be more important and we won't let it effect the joy and time we have to be with our family, we won't allow the lack of food to ruin the enjoyment of this experience because after all a birthday is a celebration of ones life and not the glorious cheesecake set before us...... Until that glorious cheesecake is in front of our face. Since my surgery (3 weeks and 6 days ago) I have had different types of temptations, there have been the chips and snack foods my 14 yo consumes. It was easy enough to take that one out, I created an area in his room that is a snack safe zone and I do not go in there, I don't think about it, I don't touch it. I am a baker and find not in cooking and baking and at 10 days post op the thought of living in my home 1 more min made me want to find the nearest train tracks and just lie there, why? because I'm down and unable to clean, the rest of my family became incapable of cleaning, I don't know. Anyway I bribed my family with a homemade Black Forest cake. Amazing what people will do for cake, I still had a lack of hunger so it didn't bother me. Today is my dads birthday, I made ribs and chicken, Mac n cheese, broccoli n cheese and cheese cake. I portioned out my rib and 2 oz of chicken and 1/4C of broccoli n cheese and sat down to eat and became depressed. I want that stupid cheesecake, but I can't have it, no not even a taste. If I allow myself even one taste I will open Pandora's box and it won't be pretty. I didn't think it would bother me, but it did. I'm heading out on a bike ride now. I'm hoping the fresh air and sun will wash the cheesecake worries away. Post bike ride.... Macy- 1 Cheesecake-0

Macy6

September 24, 2013

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