Making My Own History

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Lost in the Sea of Me

Surgery complete. Half way to goal. Happy with the results thus far. But how far am I going? At the moment, I am just adrift in the currents of change and weight loss. Not a bad place to be, for now. Societal pressures say I should be rail thin. The BMI (to which our insurance companies enslave our health standards to) says I should be very thin, when going by the ideal weight for all of my 63". My boyfriend would like for me to keep some curves. My doctor wants me to lose at least 80lbs, no more than 100. Everyone has an idea of where I should end up, and what I should be. What about me? Yes, I know. I know. I should get to a place that makes me happy. But where is that? I know I don't want to be rail thin or too thin. I like having curves, but I don't want too many curves. That's why I got the surgery in the first place! I'm half way to the Doctor's goal. I have time to figure this out. I have time to discover the new physical me that emerges. In the end, fat or skinny, I am still me. I like me. I didn't like the way I looked, but I like ME. So, here I go, adrift in the currents of change and weight loss. Enjoying the journey. To thine own self be true.

Museum-Mama

August 19, 2013

"Well-behaved women rarely make history"

Cleopatra, Lady Godiva, Joan of Arc, Amelia Earhart....women of history. Now calm yourselves! I don't expect to be remembered at the level they are; but one thing I have learned as a historian is that we ALL have a history. No matter how unimportant you think your life is, you have lived through historical events and you have impacted others' lives. You have the choice to what level you will participate in history. You have the choice as to what YOUR STORY will be. After much soul searching and failed dieting, I had decided I was just going to live with being heavy. I can be happy with it. The truth was, I was actually trying to convince myself. My body is getting larger. My health is getting worse. And one night at the mall, I could no longer keep up with my family at a regular pace. I was out of breath and had to stop for a moment. We hadn't even walked that far! I was so ashamed and humiliated as my boys looked at me with concern and confusion. It was supposed to be a happy evening, and I swallowed my shame and brushed it off. The night have been ruined for me, but I wasn't going to ruin it for my loved ones. The next day, I looked up surgery options. I had looked into the local hospital's program, but was denied so I didn't really care. That was a few months and 15 lbs ago. Today, I no longer cared about the stigma of bariatric surgery. As I was looking, my doctor called. My B12 level was still low (not a surprise to me), but now so is my D levels. She also had concerns that I was showing signs of adult onset diabetes. Last night my right cheek (SLAP!), and now my left (SLAP!) WAAAAAAAAAKEEE UUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!! So, that was that. I contacted My Bariatric Solutions and started asking questions. As if the stars aligned, mom called and she and dad had talked about my health issues. They were concerned because I am too young to be having my problems. I agreed. They suggested surgery and how to cover the costs. I felt like a minion...WHAAAAAAAA????! I am making my own history. I am taking decisive action to show that I am in control of me. I do not have to be content with who I am. This is my journal to keep myself reminded that history is not made in a moment. There are always events and decisions leading up to the event. Now....how to stay patient until surgery for the next 2.5 months......?

Museum-Mama

March 15, 2013

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