I'm sure other people are feeling this way, but I'm so tired of not feeling good after eating. This morning, I scrambled one egg, couldn't eat anything else afterwards. For lunch, I had egg salad (1 egg and 1 tbsp light mayo), a cheese stick, and 2 crackers. I just feel so bad after eating that it takes away from the satisfaction of enjoying my foods. This has been going on for about a week now. I have a check up appointment with my doctor on Friday, but sure wish that this feeling would go away so I can get to feeling normal again.
I've been feeling really good about my progress lately, not just the weight loss, but also my physical abilities and what i can now accomplish. I had taken the day off from work yesterday and decided to reward myself. I went to the movies and saw GI Joe 2. I know I shouldn't have bought the popcorn, but I did and just got the smallest size. The sales girl tried to get me to buy the size bigger (she was just doing her job) and although I would have loved it, I refused because I knew I couldn't eat that much and didn't want to take it home with me only to finish it off later. Then she asked the bigger question, do you want butter on that? I said yes (even though I know how bad it is), but I didn't ask her to put some in the middle as I would have before surgery. Ohhhhh....how yummy it was. Half way through the movie and I had only eaten half the bag. I put it down to stop myself from getting sick. I later picked it back up and ate a little more. I had to put it back down again because it was making me feel sick. The movie was almost over and I had the urge to use the bathroom. So glad I was able to finish the movie before rushing out, although I could have waited for this movie to come out on DVD. Not worth the money, even though I did see it in 3D.
On my way home, I decided that I was going to make this a "cheat" day for myself. I stopped at my favorite Teriyaki place and got some spicy chicken teriyaki. I also stopped at the local produce stand and got some fruits for the week and vegitables for the soup I planned to make for the weekend. By the time I got home, I was hungry, so I started eating some of the chicken. I didn't touch the rice because I know I shouldn't be eating it, even though this is my cheat day. I probably ate about 4 or 5 pieces of the chicken and had to stop. That chicken ended up being 3 meals for me. Yes, I did eat it again for dinner and the rest of it this morning for breakfast.
So, what I'm finding that even though I want to try to eat some of the things that I used to before surgery, I'm still applying some of the teachings my nutritionist taught me, by habit and not from guilt of what I'm eating. I also weighed myself this morning and I'm down 3 pounds, which made me not feel so bad about eating things that aren't so good for me yesterday. I did realize that even though the popcorn tasted amazing, I probably will try it without the butter next time I go to the movies (I don't do it very often). I also realized that the teriyaki that I used to love doesn't taste as good now. Lastly, I know that it's okay to treat myself once in a while and knowing that I still can apply what I've learned to my choices, I still can do it without feeling guilty providing that it's on a rare occasion.
Today, I am back on my schedule of making good choices (minus the teriyaki breakfast). By the way, I did eat my normal breakfast for lunch. I'm feeling good, possitive and happy and can't wait to see/feel the changes that will happen through out the next year. =)
So, I'm a little frustrated. First, I have only lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks. I tried not to be concerned about this since I can now do my belt up one hole smaller, but it's hard not to get frustrated. I have been very strict about making the right food choices and have been working out so much more than I used to, but this just isn't working how I thought it would. I guess I imagined myself losing 2-5 pounds each week. I'm scared that I put myself through all this only to have to live with the same results I was getting prior to having surgery. And, my legs have started swelling again. I know it's probably because I'm not getting enough water, but come on, how the hell am I supposed to get enough water when I can't take more than a sip at a time, can't drink 30 minutes before eating, and can't drink until 60 minutes after eating??? Sometimes it feels like outside of those times, I am spending every possible minute sipping water. I can't get any work (at my job) done if I'm spending more time trying to drink water than actually work. I hate that I can't gulp water down like I used to without pain. Second, I am almost at the end of the rope with one of my coworkers. Everyone I work with knows I had this surgery. This coworker, who is probably pushing 400 pounds, just is being so disrespectful to me. We used to go to lunch every day at work. I told him before I had the surgery that I wouldn't be able to continue that anymore. So, what does he do, he asks me if I want to go get something to eat. I just looked at him dumbfounded. I told him I can't do that anymore and that I bring my lunch now. Then, another day, he tells me that Krispy Kremes is selling mini donuts. Not that I'm a big donut fan or anything, but come on. I told him that's nice, but i don't really care and that I won't be eating that kind of stuff anymore. He told me I might want to after I see how cute it is. I told him that wouldn't change my mind. Honestly, how food looks doesn't make me want it, it's the taste that makes me want something. He then got the donut off his desk and held it up for me to see. I told him that still doesn't make me want it and that he shouldn't be eating it either considering how many calories and how much sugar and other bad stuff it has in it. I then walked away. Today, he stops by my desk and tells me that him and others are going to Uwajimaya (it has a food court) and asks me if I want him to pick me up anything. I said no and then couldn't control myself. I told him that he doesn't need to ask me if I want anything, that if I want something, I will go and get it myself. He looked shocked and hurt, but I didn't care. I'm so sick of him trying to pull me into his bad eating habits just to make himself feel better about his choices, which that is what I believe he is doing. By the way, did I mention that his brother is having gastric bypass surgery? My co-worker is a nice guy, but sometimes I just wish he would accept the lifestyle I have chosen and I hope I can be an influence on him to do something about his weight. Anyway, had to vent.
So, I had my 1 month follow up appointment today with my doctor. It wasn't a good visit, in my opinion. He didn't understand why I haven't lost any weight since my last visit 3 weeks ago. I told him that I had the same concern. I explained that I had in fact gained weight and just lost that weight this last week. It was really a depressing visit and I just wanted to cry while talking to him. I know he didn't mean to, but he really made me feel like I'm failing at this. I'm trying my hardest. I still can't eat more than 600 to 700 calories a day, I don't snack more than once or twice a day, and I get most of my protein in. I try to get all my fluids in, but it's been hard. I have even given up coffee (which has been really hard for me) because I know that if I drink coffee, I won't drink water as I tend to sip my coffee most of the day. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy the way I read every damn nutrition label making sure that I don't eat something that has too much of the wrong things in it and choose something that has all of the right things. He kept talking about liquid calories and I just wanted to yell and tell him to shut up about that because the only liquid I even drink is water. I miss juices and I can't stand adding those crystal light flavors to my water because of the after taste I get from them. I know he wasn't trying to be cruel, but after this visit, I just felt so defeated. I had to fight my own thoughts. I kept thinking about going out and buying the most unhealthy, greasy, fattening thing I could from a fast food restaurant on the way home, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Of course, the one thing I have always had my entire life is wheel power of not eating what I know I shouldn't be eating, so I didn't stop. I just went straight home and started working again. I'm just really worried that the weight won't come off.
Had my 3 month appointment on 05/17/13. My doctor says I'm losing weight a little faster than expected, averaging about 3 1/2 pounds a week. I thought WTF? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with that, but I thought it was a little slower than a lot of people. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it's hard not to wonder why others are losing so much more than I am.
I went shopping over the weekend because I'm just tired of wearing clothes that don't fit right. What a frustrating experience. I'm still in the plus size section, but just can't seem to find anything that isn't ugly, to my at least. Of course, I'm shopping at stores that the clothes cost a little less because I know I won't be in them long and don't want to spend a lot of money on something that I will grow out of fast.
The other issues I'm having is although I look at myself in clothes and can't believe how skinny I look in them, when I take pictures, I still see that "bigger" woman that I was last year. It's hard to get those thoughts out of my mind.
I did go dancing on Saturday night, which I hadn't done in about 2 or 3 years and it felt so good to be able to dance through 3 or 4 songs without my ankles hurting or getting tired.
Well, after quite a stall, I am down 3 pounds since my doctor's appointment this last Friday and it has stayed off for 2 days now. I finally remembered to buy a measuring tape at the store and have started keeping track of my measurements. I sure wish I had remembered to buy one earlier, so that I could know where exactly I started at, but that's ok. I'm trying to stay possitive. I have found that there is more protein in a serving of chicken than there is in a protein drink, so I'm going to try to not drink those anymore, especially since I am now on regular foods again. I just hope that I don't get sick of eating chicken. I'm not a big fish fan, unless it's lobster and crab. LOL I found that I hate ground turkey. We'll see how many new recipes I can come up with to not get bored with this. =)
Had my 6 month follow up visit today. At my last visit, at 3 months, my surgeon made me feel very uncomfortable with how he was very flirty with me. After that visit, I was relieved to find out that my 6 month visit would be with someone else. Boy, how upsetting my visit was. I saw just an RN and she had the worst bedside manner ever! Nothing she said to me was encouraging. It was so bad that I totally wanted to walk out of the office and started giving very short answers to her questions. I'm supposed to have labs drawn right before my 9 month follow up, but I walked out of that office with out making another appointment. I refuse to go back to a place that doesn't make me feel comfortable and be seen by someone who has a very negative attitude towards me. I'm just going to do all my follow up care with my PCP since I have had absolutely no complications with this surgery. It is so frustrating to not feel comfortable in a doctors office when a person is going through as much change as anyone goes through during this process. I felt completely unsupported. I felt like I was being told to do things that although I know I should be doing it (drinking more water) it's just hard. She tells me that I am supposed to get 40 grams of protein per meal. How am I supposed to do that when I can only eat 2 ounces of food at a time? If I eat any more than that, it hurts badly. Oh, and no mention about how great I am doing at my weight loss even though I have lost 58 pounds in 6 months. Then, she tells me to up my exercising, like I am not doing enough. I used to do 4 days a week on the elliptical for 30 minutes. Now I do 3 days and spend 2 to 3 hours dancing on Saturday nights. Sorry for rambling, but I'm just fed up with this office and I hate being made to feel like I am not doing anything right when I try hard to do the right things.
So, today I went to the gym, and because I keep reading how so many people are walking 3 and 5 miles a day, I decided to do the elliptical rather than the treadmill. For some reason, I can't seem to do more than 30 minutes on the treadmill. I can't decide if I just get bored or I'm actually too tired to do more. Either way, I switched it up. Before surgery, I wouldn't be able to do more than 10 to 15 minutes on the elliptical. Today, I did 33 minutes! I did have to push myself to keep going though. Last time I did the elliptical, my calf started hurting after 10 minutes, so I had to stop. I'm so happy that I did this today and hope it continues to be this easy. =)
Met this guy online and we finally decided to go out the weekend before last. I told him about my surgery up front, so that he can understand what's going on with me. We met for coffee, but ended up going out to eat. He first said that we should go to the Mexican place next door, but then changed his mind and said there was a healthier place we can go eat at. I told him he didn't have to decide on a place that's healthier just because of me. Honestly, I really wanted Mexican food badly. LOL We ended up going to this pita sandwich place. It wasn't bad at all. The sandwich I got was under 300 calories. I opted to get the grilled chicken breast to make sure I got a good amount of protein out of it. I was only able to eat half of the sandwich. This sleeve is really hard to get used to, mentally that is.
This last weekend, he took me out for breakfast. I had a spinich and cheese omelet. I declinced the toast, but went ahead and let them give me the hashbrowns, but didn't eat them. I ate only half the omelet. Gave me bad stomach pains. I'm thinking I must not have chewed it well enough. The restaurant is owened by this older couple and the lady asked me if I wanted a to go box, but gave me a horrible look when she asked. I so wanted to tell her that the food was really good, I just couldn't eat very much, but I don't think she would have understood.
After breakfast, we went to a park and walked around. It was nice to be around someone who is so understanding and suggests that we do things that he knows is not only healthy for me, but also for himself.
I really wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating again, but that was mostly because I wasn't sure if men would understand my situation. I am glad that I did find someone who is being supportive and understanding. Can't wait to see where the next date goes....
So, I haven't been on here in a while, and decided to give an update. I just posted some pictures that I had taken back in June when I was at 222 pounds. I just came out of a 3 week stall and am now at 205 pounds. It was frustrating to not lose anything for such a long period of time, but I think it was because I wasn't exercising as much as I had been due to all that has been going on at work. (Just now getting frustrated typing this because the enter button won't work in this box!) I am happy about my weight, not so much about the saggy skin that is coming up in places where I didn't expect. I also haven't been this weight since after having my son 20 years ago. It's nice and I'm excited to see how much more I will lose and how much better I will look.
So, I constantly see shows on TV that are about people losing, or wanting, to lose weight. Shows about how the USA has the highest obesity rate ever. When I started thinking about having this surgery, I had many people that had possitive things to say about it and one person that said absolutely don't do it because of the risks. After doing all the research, I realized for me, that the risks outweigh the benefits, plus I believe that if you have a good surgeon, are open and honest with him, and follow all the rules, the risks are very minimal. So, I went to a seminar and decided that this was what I wanted to do. I also decided at that time, that I wasn't going to hide it from anyone that I work with (there are many obese people in my workplace). I wanted to show everyone that it is possible, no matter how many times they thought they couldn't do it or had failed at trying. In June 2012, I had my first nutritional visit. I have very nosey coworkers (that sometimes can be annoying), so after every visit, they wanted to know "how it went." I have explained many things to them and even talked about how using MyFitnessPal had shown me so much of what I was doing wrong and right. I've also said they should try using it to see if it helps them. No one was using it. I had my surgery on 02/11/13 and have had a coworker try to get me to make poor eating choices, my supervisor tell me (in a joking way) that I'm driving everyone crazy with how I look at the label of any snacks that are brought in and explain why I can't eat it, and I've also had coworkers that have been very encouraging and supportive in this life choice/change that I have made. In the last two weeks, I have found out that 3 of my coworkers have started using MyFitnessPal and it made me feel good to know that I've influenced that.
Here I am, a few days shy of 2 months. Down a total of 50 pounds since my first visit with the nutritionist last June and 25 pounds since my surgery. The weight loss has been slow, but I'm happy with my progress.
I have noticed a change in the foods my taste buds will tolerate. I know, it's usually what the sleeve that will tolerate or not tolerate things, but not for me. My sleeve has tolerated everything I have thrown down it. =) I can't eat egg salad and tuna salad anymore because both of those just taste horrible now. Hopefully this won't happen with chicken as I will just scream if it does. I get almost all of my protein from chicken.
This week I will be adding more fruits to my routine. I had planned on starting this last week, but the strawberrys and avocados that I bought at the local produce stand, which I had never shopped at before, didn't last long enough to eat. The strawberrys had turned moldy within two days and when I cut open the avocados, they were both rotten inside. Such a disappointment. Ever since moving here last year, I have been having the worst time finding fruit that is fresh, ripe and not on the verge of going rotten. I have gone to 5 different grocery stores in the area! Maybe it has just been a bad year of crops, not sure, but I hope this changes soon. I miss my fruits.
