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About this blog

Just my personal blog.

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What got me here?

I'm going to start blogging my journey as a way to A. hold myself accountable for the negative thoughts and feelings I have towards myself and my weight B. to map my emotional journey in a way that photos alone can not. So here goes.   I am 23 years old. I have been fat my entire life. I was a fat child who was promised that I would "grow out of the baby fat one day" but alas I have only grown into a fat adult. I have an odd relationship with my weight. I must say that as a fat girl, you know who your friends truly are. Because of the negative stigma associated with my size, only the people of true character and kindness stuck around. I have a group of fiercely loyal friends who I wouldn't trade for the world, and they love me regardless of my physical shape. I have been interested in theater for as long as I can remember. I was a force in my community theater troupe, and while I was never chosen as the ingenue I always had a fantastic character role in everything I auditioned for. Never the star, but I had a ton of fans. My weight directly influenced my choice of profession. You see, I am a theatrical costume designer and puppet builder. I was taught to sew at an extremely early age, but I only began to pursue my talent because my community theater's designer didn't know how to sew anything for a plus size woman that didn't resemble a tow sack. I began to costume myself, and I must say that I looked fabulous. But the thing is...I WANTED to be the lead. I WANTED to be the ingenue. My size kept me from it, and I developed a deep seated self loathing over it. I developed a social anxiety disorder because of it. So in college I enrolled directly in design and never once attempted to audition again. Last year I was looking for an internship. I wanted to work as a puppet designer and builder, so I applied to all of the usual places. Jim Henson, Puppet Heap, Puppet Kitchen, Sprout, etc. But I also applied to late night TV shows like Conan and Colbert for their props making internships. Well, I was called back for everything I applied for...except for those applications that asked to include a picture. Maybe it was coincidence...but I don't think so. Eventually I decided that as a life long Henson Fanatic they were the company I wanted to peruse. Everything was going perfectly...I had every skill and experience they were looking for but there was one last hitch in the giddy up. They called and asked for an in person final interview!! Now, I live in Alabama. The Creature Shop for Sesame Street is in NYC...that's a long way to go and an expensive train ticket just to be shot down because of my weight. Those old insecurities creeped in and almost made me cancel the interview. So many opportunities had already been lost because of my appearance. But my mom MADE me go. She said that Jim Henson company celebrated people of all shapes and sizes in their body of work, why not in their employees? And she was right. The hired me for the semester and I had the absolute best time of my life!!! That's where I began my weight loss journey...on The Street. I lost 30 pounds just working my tail off for that amazing, AMAZING company. I met people that changed my life and my perspective on everything...Only problem? I discovered that a few of the AM puppets did not fit my obese arm, and that's the kind of character I hope to one day puppeteer. So I made up my mind. WLS happened about 2 weeks after I returned home.   I am 70 pounds down total at 2 months out. My arm fits most of my puppets now. I still have 100 pounds to lose, but I already feel like a different person. Sometimes I just don't actually SEE the change...more on that next time.
Groovinchikin

Groovinchikin

1
 

Not quite on schedule.

So, I'm about 7 pounds away from having lost 100 pounds. ONE HUNDRED. That sounds so crazy to me. I'm completely thrilled...But my surgeon doesn't seem to be. He said that I was about 15 pounds behind schedule, and that I must not be keeping up with my plan. (Keep in mind that he also just took my gallbladder out last month) That is not the case at all. I do everything I am told to do to the best of my ability. I may not get every gram of protein in every day, but I do everything I can to keep my calories low and my protein high. I exercise 3 times a week with a trainer at my University's student center. What on earth can he possibly think I can do on top of all that and a full time school load??!   I will admit that I had a come apart in his office in front of two residents who were shadowing him. I bawled and bawled. I know he meant to encourage me, but I honestly felt attacked. I've had serious trauma in the past with regards to being bullied over my size. That appointment put me in a very very dark place. I haven't self harmed since high school, but it took a frenzied call to my accountability partner to get me out of that mind frame. On one hand I feel like I've accomplished sooo much. On the other, I don't feel like I can ever hope to measure up to the expectations. I feel like a failure, and I feel like the sleeve will quit working for me.   For now I plan to do my best to stay positive and to stay on track. I am trying to remember that this journey has been for me, and me only. I can't be bothered if I don't exactly match up with his computer model. I will use the anxiety and the hurt to fuel my workouts, not my demons. I will make it to 100 pounds lost this week and buy a new dress. I will not let one quarter on the track derail me. I am stronger than that.   Miss Piggy always brings a smile to my face, so here is one of my favorite pieces of fan art, with excellent advice from M.P. "Never eat more than you can lift".
Groovinchikin

Groovinchikin

5
 

I just can't SEE it!

So I've lost at least 70 pounds in my journey so far. I say at least because I gave up my scale for Lent and I'm not actually sure of my current weight at the moment. But with that much weight loss I can already do so many things that I wasn't able to a couple of months ago. The beautiful winter coat that I bought right after Hurricane Sandy is already so loose on me that I can easily overlap the front panels. I fit in the seats at my school's theater. The dress I wore to junior prom in high school is so loose now that it falls off of me. I have a neck, I can wear normal sized rings, I can run....the list is long. When it comes right down to it however, I feel like I'm still looking in a funhouse mirror! I feel like I look twice as big as I did when I started. I look at old pictures of myself and where other people can see a difference, I feel like I am still exactly the same. It's a discomforting feeling, knowing that you are changing to everyone else but being unable to recognize those changes in yourself. I suppose everyone who has undergone dramatic weight loss deals with this sort of body dysmorphia, but it's still a bizarre feeling. As a costume designer, I can pretty much sketch an accurate body sketch of someone just from a page of garment measurements. So I've taken my own actor's measurements every other week since I began. Those numbers are really where I can see a difference. I can picture bodies from measurement charts and my first chart body is dramatically different for my current chart body. So for now I guess I'll have to depend on that kind of external measure to understand how my body is changing.
Groovinchikin

Groovinchikin

3
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