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The High Heeled Assasin's Intro

My official intro, you may know me as DrmBig4Evr, or Kathryn, but allow me to introduce to you The High Heeled Ninja Assasin.   Going through the official pre-operation phases from research to pre-authorization, approval and now finally pre-op status I have gone through a number of emotions. I know all of us have pre and post op.   In reflecting on this past week I realized a number of items I wanted to blog about, but didn't get around to it. This morning I realized the best way to do this is to write this blog and title it appropriately.   All of my life I have been known as a fighter, a fighter against adversity. Now, I realize that is not enough. Why fight adversity to gain a "normal" sense of life when I can go up against my fears, additions (food/abuse), problems full force as a ninja and break through each one and move FORWARD?? I've been living my life the wrong way.   A little background on my past, but this past does not define me...   * Teen mother * College Graduate * Abbusive Relationships * Supportive Family * Narcissistic Husband * Overweight * Single Mom of 2 beautiful boys, turning 11 & 18 at the most appropriate time, the weekend of my surgery * Professional & Strong Woman   I have allowed the above "classifications" define who I am. I thought I was embracing adversity and overcoming it when I should have fought through it and kept moving. There are those to remind me that I am too young to have an 18 year old and to them I say simply, I know. However, I noticed that I also have appeased my biggest interloper, my ex-husband (Nov 2012), by giving into his demands and putting my life on hold as not to "rock the boat". When I decided on this journey it was mainly for quality of life puroses, medically speaking, but what I have realized I've gained is a change of a QUALITY LIFE.   You may be wondering about the title of my blog. Well, obviously the ninja assasin may be self-explanatory. I will overcome AND advance forward very calculated and strategically. However, the high heeled part is specific to the abuse I have received over the last 13 years of my life. The physical abuse stopped about 10 years ago, thankfully, but the emotional, financial, and manipulative ways continue on today. I have clawed my way out and I am finally seeing a light. I was told I do not look good in heels, but I LOVE wearing them. I am not too tall, but not short either. 5'5.5" with 3" heels would make me as tall as many men. Being overweight, heels made me feel pretty. I used to blame my ex for his opinions stating it was his insecurities. Typical Napoleon complex in my opinion. However, I bowed to the abusive behavior, I started buying more flats, and why not I had back problems anyway. I didn't realize how upset I was about this control until I was faced with attending a R&B concert and I "asked" if I could wear heels with my dress and I was told no, I look unnatural. WHAT???????? I wore flats and rocked them, noticing I was the only one with them on. NOW? Its time for ME. I am going in full force with my heels on assasinating any negativity and facing adversity like a Ninja!
DrmBig4Evr

DrmBig4Evr

2
 

My Personal Experiment

No I didn't misspell! I am my own experiment and I am sharing with you my experience. Today is day 4 post-op. Odd day? Yes, but I am attempting to go back to work tomorrow and I do not count my surgery day in that.   So presurgery I had a low carb diet in which I didn't lose a darn pound because I had been dieting for 6 months prior out of want not necessity.   Day of Surgery I was down overall since my first surgical visit to 201.5. For low BMI people there is discrimination from everyone on why you chose this procedure and I know I do not have to explain myself, but for purposes of this blog I will bullet a list of reasons why I chose this surgery. The nurse who did my shot of heparin knew I had been overweight and lost a significant amount due to my panni and my stretch marks, but I've gotten good at hiding it to the naked eye by not being naked   Why I had this surgery:   **** 2 years ago my back surgeon approached me after I had 2 back surgeries and looking at a fusion and said... "You have two options you can get a bi-level fusion which I cannot guarantee OR you can lose a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight." That took me back a little, I knew I was overweight, that I struggled with yo-yo dieting. I asked one simple question, how much is a "SIGNIFICANT" amount of weight. He said at least 60 lbs, but in addition you will need to maintain it for the rest of your life and strengthen your core to do the job your spine is trying to do alone.   I have several other reasons like osteoarthritis, my children, diabetes prevention (family history), heart disease, etc. but the above was the main reason I looked to WLS. Hence my experiement, can I avoid a back fusion, type II diabetes, and improve my osteoarthritis?? Time will tell   Now fast forward to 2 weeks prior to my surgery. I have two boys 11 & 18. My son was there when I got my approval letter and I was crying with joy, he was crying because he was scared of changes in me and surgery itself. He also had a nightmare of me dying so I chose not to tell him when the surgery was scheduled. Because of this I went to the hospital alone, went through the surgery alone and was alone until discharge. My ex-husband and son picked me up and I was ok with that. The emotional grieveing with food I did mostly pre-op, I expect some post op...but not as bad, only time will tell.   I forgot my side effect from anesthesia and morphine is not being able to read for days so bringing my tablet, ipod and phone was pointless. Drove me crazy I couldn't read text messages The night of surgery was the hardest not being able to drink anything. Kudos to those who recommended chapstick! I was very nauseous and went for my upper GI the following morning.   Before my upper GI I saw my surgeon who was joking with me because I wrote SLEEVE across my belly with a smiley face which he left in tact. He is a general surgeon who does alot of lapbands so I wanted to make sure he didn't confuse me with someone else My surgeon informed me that I had a "huge" hiatal hernia, bigger than what he even expected and that the surgery went well. He gave me a photo of the hernia and of my stomach which is really cool.   I slept mostly Friday the 8th, Saturday the 9th and walked when I could and often. On Sunday the 10th I got out of the house and walked and did some shopping, got a chocolate fudge cake for my sons birthday. Didn't even think twice about eating it. Monday the 11th was my sons golden birthday he just turned 11 yesterday. I ended up ordering 2 pizzas for his friend and my neighbors came over and we had the cake. I was not tempted, it was the strangest thing. Its like looking into an old friends eyes and saying we just weren't meant to be friends anymore but I respect you and that you are wanted by others...lol!   I did overdo it last night and was laughing and getting up without protecting my muscles so I was swollen and in alot of pain. Late last night and all this morning I am in bed trying to recoup so I can go in and work tomorrow. I'm sure I can, but if not I'll just do a half day.   Weight the day after surgery... 205 (gained 3 from fluids/gas) Weght today day 4...196   Oh and gas pains are worse day 3&4 for me. Gas X is my friend! Good luck everyone and I'll follow up in a week or so!
DrmBig4Evr

DrmBig4Evr

5
 

God works in mysterious ways...2 week follow up

Ok, so I went to the doctor yesterday for my two week follow up appointment. I have lost a significant amount of weight considering I had dropped below 35 BMI by the time I had my surgery. I am officially down 18.6 lbs at 2 weeks! Excited and I can fit into realy old clothes. Also, this is the first time I have been this weight in 12 years. Absolutely ecstatic about that.   Now onto why God really watches over me...so many people said I shouldn't get the surgery, yada yada...but the best thing that could have happened to me happened yesterday. The surgeon sent my stomach off to pathology and they found an indicator of a type of non-Hodgkins lymphoma. This I would never have known had I not gone through this surgery. So that was a Blessing in disguise just as my prior denial from my insurance for lapband was a Blessing also.   Anyway, where am I at now. I have entered into the 2nd stage foods for my diet plan. It appears to be a little different and a little more liberal than most. I can pretty much eat alot of different foods now. Obviously with the exception of harsh breads, nuts, etc and of course caffine, sugar, high carbs, etc.   At my first meal I measured out 3 oz of food. I was sooo excited to eat and feel normal. Wow, let me tell you I ate 1.25 ounces and I overfilled myself, it was hilarious! I felt like I ate an entire Elephant, but it was such a small amount. It was oddly humerous. What I stepped back and looked at is what others see when I eat and will probably always see. To them, and to my current mind, it wasn't enough, but boy oh boy my tummy let me know. I now at least know my sign of feeling stuffed or full, yep I have the dredded LOUD burp. Hilarious trying to go on dates when I got that going on! Oh well, I digress. Hope everyone here is having a wonderful day!!!
DrmBig4Evr

DrmBig4Evr

3
 

Attention Attention - Part Deux Y Follow Up

So its been a while since I've posted a blog or updated anything on here really. I have been really enjoying my weight loss overall. It has truly been a Blessing. First, as a follow up from my last blog entry I did have cancer and it appears that it did go away when my stomach was removed. Very optimistic now.   Now onto the subject of this blog...I blogged before about the amount of attention I was getting just before surgery. All were willing to bet it would be more post op, and yes it is. My inner struggle I believe is similar to other sleevers out there who are single....should I be happy with the attention, move forward and remain positive? Or not even give those the time of day who wouldn't give me the time of day if I was my previous weight?   I want to believe I am a more outgoing and positive person than I was before. I have always been this way, but as a fellow sleever noticed I have come out of my shell a bit. Is this behavior what is attractive or is it purely physical. A part of me wants to be upset and not give anyone the time of day since they wouldn't have a few months ago.   However, I will remain positive and continue to be me and hopefully weed out the ill intended ones   Love all of my fellow sleevers and wish nothing but the best for you all!!!
DrmBig4Evr

DrmBig4Evr

0
 

Attention Attention - Go Away

I am down 35 lbs from the beginning of 2012 and I am currently on my preop diet. My surgery is schedule next Friday. Recently divorced and feel very awkward around the opposite sex. I've always had my weight to hide behind and I do not look around or up in public. Lately, I've noticed more attention from guys. Not the normal, hey you are cool, but the whole you're hot stuff. This only makes my anxiety worse (I know there are other worries like people who are starving or abused animals), but seriously not fun. I paid attention to how I reacted today and I'm not sure if I am handling it right. I tend to just put them off and tell them they have no chance. Something funny like get in line its gonna be awhile. For the most part its true, I'm a sleeze magnet, but now I can identify them easily (I hope). The issue is that if it is this way and I haven't had the surgery yet, will it get worse? The another fear comes into my head, will I get too thin? I know its pretty much impossible and I've done the math, but scared I will lose my "assets" too. Either way, I still do not want the attention. I haven't been single most of my life, I wouldn't know how to be if I tried...if anyone out there has experience with putting off men you aren't interested in, but letting the nice ones in...please give me your tips! Thanks!
DrmBig4Evr

DrmBig4Evr

1
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