BamaGirl26's Blog

The First Day of the Rest of my Life

This is the first day of the rest of my life. Day one of the clear liquids pre-operative diet. I have dreaded this day for some time now. About two weeks ago, my 10-year-old daugher told me, with resignation in her voice, that I should, "Eat what you can, while you can." I wholeheartedly agreed. Every day after that, I thought about what I would love to eat and how much of it I would eat. After a couple of days I realized that I didn't really want anything! I was sick of food and my dysfunctional relationship with it! I couldn't wait for...today. Now it's here. I didn't sleep well last night. I had wicked weird dreams. I think that my stress level is probably through the roof. Thank goodness I am not prone to high blood pressure. I woke this morning with butterflies in my stomach. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I'm afraid that my brain will sabotoge the pre-op requirements. I know I can keep my stomach full. I am allowed only a few things. Protein drinks (3x per day) mixed with water, broth, clear juices, Gatorade, and water. Not the most palatable diet, but obviously I can live through it. My sort of sick thinking takes me to people who are not as fortunate as I. I think of those who have no running water and would give anything for broth. Third world countries. That's what I'll rely to get me through. Demented. The center that I am going through for this surgery is very helpful. They require each patient to take pre-surgery classes and a post-surgery class. It's been very interesting and enlightening. In each pre-surg class, I could pick out the people that will fail at this. They are the ones complaining about each step of the process and whining about requirements. I wanted to scream at them and tell them that they need to start taking responsibility for what they've become. I know that it's my fault that I'm fat. I know that it's my fault that I've put everyone's needs before mine for the last 15 years. I chose not to make the right decistions. I chose to live to eat rather than eat to live. I am responsible. Now I am going to be held accountable. During one of the pre-surg classes, three different people asked the nurse about caffeine and whether or not they should stop indulging in it. All three times, the nurse was very vague. She stated that, "The surgeon prefers you to be caffeine free right before and right after the surgery." Hmmm. That's not really an answer. I decided not to press for it because I like caffeine. It wards off the demons. I tried to wean myself off of my one can per day Diet Coke habit, but it seems that unless I want a dull, roaring headache on a daily basis, I cannot. So, I won't. I have decided that I will sip my Diet Coke and ration it to the smallest amount possible and still be pain free. I will refrain from any caffeine a few days before surgery. I'm thinking that I will be sick of living on liquids by then and a headache will be a welcome change of focus. I have learned, by reading this forum, that there are a million different pre-op diets and that each surgeon has a preference. I have researched why we are on this pre-op diet and why my surgeon has required it for such a lengthy period of time. I understand all of this, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it! Because my insurance is paying for this, I have decided that I will just be thankful and comply with most all of the doctor's wishes. My surgeon's office have stated to me that the MANDATORY protein diet should include Bariatric Advantage protein powder and bars. Apparently, they used to sell it right from the office but when I asked the nurse how I would be held accountable for using this specific product, again, she was vague. So, I purchased the bars. They taste like cardboard now, but on day seven they will probably taste like heavan. The powder is icky. So, I'm supplementing with Premier and Muscle Milk. They just taste better. Protein is protein. As long as I'm not loading up on sugar, I will survive. My liver will shrink and my stomach will be removed. The photo is of my support team. My husband, son, and daughter. If I had a photo of all of my friends together, I would include it. I am very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. My colleagues are rooting for me too. The key person in my success, besides myself, will be my very best girlfriend, Tammi. She has been my bff for over 15 years now. She was sleeved in August 2011. She reached her goal just over her year anniversary and has since had some plastic surgery to tighten up those loose areas. She was always beautiful inside and out to me, but now she actually feels it for herself. I'm so proud of her. She is my encyclopedia of vertical sleeve gastrectomy information. I feel very empowered and knowleadgeable and prepared because of her. Last February (2012) I embarked on my millionth time to start Weight Watchers. I weighed myself one morning and cried. I had never been as heavy...299 pounds. I couldn't let myself go over that 300 mark. My husband hugged me and told me that we could do it together. I thought of Tammi and said to myself that I didn't need WLS. That I could do this. I was seriously ready. I joined a gym and got a trainer. First time for losing weight and excerising at the same time. I loved working out! It was really fun. I was losing weight and, most importantly, losing inches! Seven weeks in, I stopped losing. I injured myself in the gym. This went on for 5 months. I didn't give up. I was stuck. I would lose a pound and gain a pound. Then I injured myself a second time. I gave up. I really don't think that the average trainer understands that a fat person cannot do what a more fit person can do. This isn't The Biggest Loser! In June, our insurance provider changed. I was browsing the list of changes to our policy and coverage when it caught my eye. The new policy actually covered some weight loss surgeries! With bated breath, I read it and reread it. I decided that I was going to swallow my pride, go to my primary care physician, and spill my guts. The day that I went to see my doctor was cathartic. I had never spoken about my weight out loud, in anything besides a self-deprecating manner, to anyone. Ever. I told him everything I've ever done, every pain I have, every fear I have, and cried. He hugged me and told me that he would help. And he did. I had already had a consultation with the bariatric surgeon. He told me I was making the right decision. Now I had to jump through the hoops. So we started jumping together. Now, here I am. My insurance company said YES! I'm so very excited about how my life is going to change. I know this is not going to be easy. The surgery is the tool. It's my brain I worry about. I have to let go of all of the thoughts and habits that I've adopted through the years. I have to start living for me and me first. I have to start eating to live rather than living to eat. The Southern in me is going to have difficulty, but I know that with the support at home and at the surgeon's office...I GOT THIS! Beginning weight on day one of pre-op diet is 289.6 lbs.

BamaGirl26

February 1, 2013

Tomorrow is the day that I fall in love with myself!

Well, it's here. Day 13 of my pre-op diet. I can't believe I didn't die. I really felt like I was going to a couple of times. That is that hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I cheated! I actually dreamed about tacos last Friday night. I woke up and realized that I was obsessing! So, I had a taco from my favorite Mexican restaurant. Oh well. At least it was off my mind then. I'm so weak that I almost crawled up the stairs to my classroom this morning. I get no protein today. Only clear liquids. I've had a sore throat since last Wednesday thanks to the dry desert that I live in, so the cough drops are what is saving me today. I'm very, very (did I say very?) emotional. I feel like I could cry at any moment. I think it's because I'm just so tired. I'm also a little pissed at my husband this week. This is a very stressful process. So, when I get home today I'm going to go to my room and cry. Just get it all out. I know I will feel so much better! I have prepared everything at work for my two day absence. Thank goodness Monday is a holiday. I also have an intern coming in next week to help me out or just to be present. Luckily, my job is not physically demanding and my kids know what I'm going through. They have been very supportive. I haven't packed a thing for the hospital. I figure I won't be able to sleep tonight, so I will leave it for then. I bought pretty new jammies and a robe. I'll take slippers because the biggest fear I have is gas pain! So I'm going to walk as soon as the pain meds clear from my brain. Speaking of pain meds...this is my biggest fear. I hate being drugged. Pain or no pain, I just don't like it. I took Motrin with both of my kids and it was fine. I really hope I don't have to have much tomorrow. I don't want to be a martyr, but I don't want to be spacy and loopy either. A less serious fear is the discerning comments that my husband has made. Twice he has mentioned something about getting skinny and finding someone else. Makes me think he is a little insecure. I'm a little happy that he would worry. Maybe he should pay a little more attention. Anyway, here we go. A brand new journey. I feel like I'm at the airport and they're going to call my flight number any minute. I love to fly!

BamaGirl26

February 13, 2013

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