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About this blog

Documenting my weight loss journey - mainly for me!

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Moving past my past

So now that I have "officially" accepted responsibility for my weight gain over the years, now I'm trying to figure out what led to this roller coaster life I lead! My last blog, I talked about being on phen-phen and loving it... then getting married and 2 kids later - poof I'm topping 259.6 lbs! But there is a lot in between that time span that I need to reflect on!   So - in my late 20's and early 30's - newly married, fabulous job, living in DC - smoozing with the politicians, climbing the work latter, away from my mom.... hmmmmm - can't think of a single reason emotionally that I should have gained weight... I think I stayed a size 10ish - wavering between an 8 and 12 probably - so not too bad. Though, again, I thought I was HUGE! But honestly, other than eating out, and enjoying an adult beverage (oh and not working out) - I'd say life was even for me during this time!   Moving into my 30's - 2 kids now! Moved to Atlanta - lived in the burbs with the white picket fence (literally, a white picket fence)... hanging in the cul-de-sac in my sweater sets.... I gained about 40 - 50 lbs with each kid - though I lost "most of it" each time - but stayed in the 170s - 180's for the most part. I played tennis on the neighborhood tennis team - and in my late 30's, started running... I got down to a size 8 - 10 again and looked and felt good!   Then BAM! It hit! My daughter is in kindergarten - teachers think something is "not quite right"; tests begin... nothing unusual - but still something "is off".... she enters 1st grade... and now the fun begins.... without going into the details of how we got there... we found out my daughter was dyslexic! The end of the world!!! We thought we had to brightest (her IQ by the way is 1 point below Genius), most perfect child... oh my god... what are we going to do? What did I do? I went into Mamma Bear mode.... started looking at private schools that specialize in dyslexia, started taking her to special tutoring sessions (driving an hour home from work to pick her up, then driving another 45 minutes to the tutor, waiting an hour, then driving an hour back home (rush hour). We started eating in the car - snacks on the way there, dinner from Mickey D's or Chick-fil-a on the way back... 3 x per week!!! I stopped running - who has time for that when you have a full time job, 2 kids, and this new "the world has ended" weight on my shoulders?   My daughter was accepted in the top school - whew!! but that meant commuting 1.5 hours each way every day... but I was willing - because it was only supposed to be for 2 - 3 years (a transition school, where there is remediation and you go back to the "real world"). So we ate in the car...ALOT!!! My daughter isn't gaining weight because she is active (see a pattern from my mom here?)... but she is also on ADHD meds with acts as an appetite suppresent. I however, am gaining weight... not on the tennis team anymore, and definitely not exercising!   Now add in my son - the pre-schools are saying he has some issues too - oh here we go again - at least we know what to look for this time - right? But we have him in a pre-school that is for advanced kids - and he is falling behind - and the teacher is bullying him - yes bullying a 4 year old. He went into a depression - 4 year old!!! He was the happiest kid - every day is a good day - and then boom - depressed! We pulled him out of that school and went to another school - he was happy, but not learning - but happy :-)! In Kindergarten - we decided to nip it in the bud - have him tested and boom - he is dyslexic too (it is hereditary and I probably had it but overcame it with my intellect and my dad is). We enter him into the same private school as my daughter - and now have $50,000 in tuition plus uniforms... plus the commute... and eating on the go!   But - it was only temporary - right? So we did it... and then.. came the time for my daughter to be retested (every 3 years) and to start thinking about the next school..... I remember it clearly... I had just started a software development leg of my company... I was 30 minutes from walking into a board room filled with CEO's and CIOs from major companies (7 of them) to pitch my latest product.... and the psych called.... "Hey Krista - just wanted to let you know I'm coming up with some "weird" results for Natalie".....pause...."I'd like to run some additional tests"....pause...."I think she may be on the autism spectrum...and by the way I think she comes by it from her dad"! THUMP!!! OMG!!!! Did she just say AUTISM? OMG!!!!! So I compartmentalize that, and do my presentation... them come out and just CRY!!!!   Turns out... after the initial testing and 2 second opinions... she is on the spectrum... and my husband is accepting that he may be too - but what is he going to do about it at almost 50 years of age?... Now my world is crumbling... AGAIN!!!! I have to find a new school, I have to put her in a "social skills" class (she was "shy" all this time - not autistic), I have to rearrange my life... AGAIN!! My world ended during this time - how can this be? So I started taking Lexapro to "deal" - and I probably drank way more wine than I should any given week... and I most definitely ate out every meal and did not exercise!   OK - so, I found a school - only it is 2 hours from our house... my son is still at the dyslexia school - the complete other direction... so now what? Oh - sell our house and move closer! We also decided to go ahead and move our son to this school as it is a school for all types of learning differences! So - we move, move schools, and I also decide to sell my businesses.... I had to make changes - I had to do something!!   But selling my business turned out to be a VERY bad idea (I'll write more on that another time)... and turns out, my son has Asperger's too - OMG - TWO KIDS on the spectrum!!!! Though actually with my son, they don't know how to diagnose him - so they just gave him that DX - he really has more working memory issues and his IQ is on the low side!   So - moving from my past - I think I did very well overcoming my mother and childhood stuff... I did very well with moving up the corporate ladder, and I did well early in the childhood raising area.... My weight gains - major weight gains started when trouble hit my perfect little life! I turned to food (and alcohol - though I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic) to solve my problems - to comfort me! Food was the one staple that was there - no matter what - I could count on a drive-thru... I could count on a good sushi meal (I mean like $50 - $60 of sushi for me alone)... I could count on a bottle of wine!   I can see the crisis that hit - I can see how I used food - but what I don't know yet, is how will I overcome the "next" crisis?????? More to come as I figure out this journey!   Look for my scary boss story coming next - this is when I hit the top of the scales!!!
2013newme

2013newme

2
 

Childhood and a Mother's intentions

Just like most people, I have been plagued with weight issues my whole life - starting at a very early age, I swear I could look at food and gain weight!!! Starting with childhood, my mother was very "on top" of this "issue", and did things like making dinner for the whole family, and then serving me a "lean cuisine". I remember spending my summers with my grandparents in Florida (wonderful memories), and coming back to my parents with my mom FURIOUS at my grandmother for the weight I put on (usually between 7 and 10 lbs). I was active the whole summer (swimming, tennis, water skiing), but I also got to have ice cream EVERY NIGHT as a treat :-)! When I was in high school, I weighed a whopping 105 lbs... I was thin... but I thought I was fat because of my lifelong (so far) drama with food (and my mother). But.... I was only thin because I was active... my mother made sure of that! I was on the tennis team, I was on the dance team (despite my "Elaine" like abilities), and my mother put me through multiple "boot camps" every summer... yes I was thin... but at 16, my cholesterol was 220+.... why? Because I ate crap when away from my mother's watchful eye... I ate candy (even hid it under my bed), I ate anything that wasn't green (no salads - ever!)... we had off-campus lunch in high school - so I had Sonic, pizza, sub sandwiches, and I did dabble in drinking on the weekends with my buddies (shhh... don't tell my mother).   My mom - super skinny (even when she was pregnant with me, she only gained 15 lbs), would get up at 4:30 am to run - she was a marathon runner, aerobics dance guru, tennis player, etc etc... she had soooo much energy (still does - ugh)... she would wake me up at 6:30 (even on weekends) to "start my day". I had to mow the lawn, clean my room - basically anything but sit or sleep! Note - by little brother NEVER mowed the lawn - not once (he is super skinny - always has been - and they didn't want to make him tired for his baseball games - WHATEVER)!!   So, it is no wonder, that when I left for college (left the state no doubt), I had NO skills for eating correctly... AND I was out of my mother's watchful eye.. I didn't have to exercise.... I didn't have to be accountable for what was on the scale! As I grew, so did my friends, so there were plenty of "hand me downs" to grow into - clothes weren't an issue! Bring on the Freshman 15 (or 20)!! So, there it started - age 17 (I was very young going to college) - my downhill spiral to weight gain!   Enter early 20's - so I was "sort of thin" - I was around 140ish - size 10ish (I'm 5'3" by the way).... I had boyfriends, I entered into the job market (working for a top company) in a size 6... and BIG bows in my hair (I grew up in Dallas, what can I say?)....I went up and down in my 20's - until I was about 26.... I went on PHEN-PHEN!!! I was about 140ish and got down to 110!!! I looked HOT!!! I loved phen-phen meds - I didn't want to eat - food was disgusting to me, and I was full all the time. I ate 600 calories a day, lost alot of hair (I have really thick hair thankfully - but still!!!)... and I had more boyfriends then I knew what to do with... So I know what you are saying... phen-phen at 140? really? Well - it worked for me - and remember - I was "fat" at 105 to my mother - and now as a young adult - to me too!! 140 - 150 - OMG - FATTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! (funny to me now - I dream of 140)!   Move on to age 28 - getting married at 130 lbs - size 8ish - looked good for wedding.... then started the weight train gain!!! Fast forward 2 kids later...and in Jan 2012 - I weighed in at my highest 259.6 lbs!!!!!! Here begins the journey.... the real journey!!!   So - was my mother right to restrict my foods? Was she right to get me moving all the time? Was she right in making me feel fat (even at a size 0 - 2)? I don't know!! REALLY!!! I have gone back and forth with this question... sometimes I like to BLAME her for my weight issues - I mean it is soooo easy to, right?.... but then again, she was trying to set boundaries and keep me from being the kid people picked on, keep me from the fat kid issues, keep me healthy ... she was trying!! and I am the one that CHOSE to break the rules - right? See, it isn't so easy to decide who is to blame now is it?   I think as I write this - I am going to have to start accepting my own actions - hold myself accountable - even for what I did wayyyyy back then (I'm 43 now).... I am going to have to grow up and realize - it is all ME - and it is ME that got ME into this... and it is ME that will get me out of it!!   My blog is intended for me to self-reflect, document how I feel now that I have been sleeved, and understand who and what I am. I hope you too will find some inspiration in my documentation - but I honestly am doing this for ME (for a change)! For the first time ever, I am putting ME first (though some of my friends would laugh at that statement "It's all about me" has been a "motto" thrown around about me sometimes)... but I mean putting ME and my love/hate relationship with food, weight, and even my mother at rest - understanding my triggers, understanding who I am and want to be the rest of my life (now that I'm a grown up)!
2013newme

2013newme

2
 

The boss from H*LL!

I have brought you all through my mother and childhood issues, and then my comfort food needs with my own children's issues.... but my TOP weight hit after I sold my business and started working for the boss from HELL!!!   I know we all have had them - and trust me, LD (the boss with name change to protect the innocent (me)), was not my first experience with dealing with a difficult boss, but I can assure you - LD reached new limits - and pushed me over the edge to my highest weight of 259.6 lbs (I'm 5'3")!!   I sold my business to help me destress - as I realized that while I may be all that and a bag of chips, I couldn't do it all :-)!! With my kids diagnosis, and all the other chaos, my husband and I decided to sell my business. Luckily, my top client wanted to buy me out - including transitioning all of my fabulous employees! It was no task taken lightly, but I promise, I just needed to do this for my sanity and my health.... so I thought!   So - I sell my business to my number one client, who I'd been working for as a consultant, and boom - they have a reorg... and I start reporting to LD - who has a chip on her shoulder - and is very jealous of me (it took me over a year to see it was her not me)! She slowly but surely started taking away my duties, started berating me (cussing at me, telling me how worthless I am, telling me what a failure I am to the company, etc. etc.). It took me about 6 weeks to realize what she was doing...she was trying to push me out! So, I went to HR, the CEO (who bought my company less than a year earlier), and other VPs to plead my case. Guess what? They ALL took my side, but couldn't stop her - seriously - they are afraid of LD too!   By Christmas time, I was a mess.... I have NEVER been depressed before - EVER!!! My mom came into town, took one look at me - and told me I needed help (as in medications)... and I hadn't even told her what was going on! I was having a nervous break down! I cried all the time, I didn't move off the couch for ANYTHING (kids, dogs, nothing) - I felt helpless! My doctor said, "you have got to snap out of this... you are a smart, successful woman. You have started 4 different successful companies (I had an embroidery business for a while that I sold, consulting company, and software development company - all successful... and I still have a company where I buy and rent houses), and have so much going for you." But I couldn't see it! LD took me to my lowest point - she bullied me beyond return. I even went to my lawyer to see if there was something I could do - but there wasn't because of various right to work laws that I won't get into. So...I was put on XANAX, sleeping pills, and Lexapro. I drank alot of wine - and guess what? I ATE!!! ALOT!!!! For 3 solid weeks, I checked out of life!   The CEO finally saw the light and moved me to work for a VP that I LOVED - I worked for this VP early on in my career - and he taught me the way to lead! Funny how it all came full circle! But, that meant a "demotion" - same salary (with no raise allowed for about 10 years) - but a new title and no "power". I took it! I mean I love this VP AND I can keep my salary! At this point in my life, I really don't care about titles and promotions and all that climbing the ladder stuff... been there done that! I am really starting to see that balance is the key - work/life balance - never knew it before - but I'm starting to appreciate it now! I had to force myself into that relationship (work/life balance) - and it has been a rocky road getting there. I feel so much better mentally now (no more XANAX, sleeping pills or Lexapro)!   It's been a year now since I made that move - and on 1/1/12 - I was only 2.6 lbs lighter than I was at my highest weight!! Not because I didn't lose weight in the previous year being out from under LD - but because I lost the weight - and regained it! After I moved to VP and away from LD, I went on a vegan only kick... I loved it and I felt so healthy. I lost about 35 lbs... then BOOM!!!!   My grandfather (whom I'm VERY VERY VERY close to) needed heart surgery... my whole family came for the summer to stay with me (my mom, aunt, grandparents, and cousin - and brother for a bit). I spent 6 weeks at the hospital - every day! I won't get into the specifics - but needless to say - I ate hospital food or out every meal during this time - and turned to comfort food!   So while LD was out of my life, I found another crisis, and food to comfort me! Work was going well - I was just upset and stressed about my grandfather. The good news is... at 92, and two major heart surgeries, he is back on the golf course and doing great!!!   As I write these blogs - I am beginning to see where my pattern is... crisis=food! So now I just need to figure out why that is, and what to do about it!   More reflection and thought on that coming up!
2013newme

2013newme

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