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I'm cleaning out my closet (literally)...

I feel like I’m going through a tiny bit of body crisis over something so small.   I’m getting rid of all my size 22 pants. EVERYTHING.   I’m bringing them down to SC to give to my grandmother to sell at a consignment shop. And I found a pair of 24 magenta jeans from Torrid, that still had their price tag on them. I remember when I bought them freshman year of college, thinking eventually I was going to be a 24 and they kind of fit at a 22. They were way too big on me when I tried them on, yet I still wanted to keep them. It was such a strange thought thinking that becoming a 24 was inevitable, even tho pre-op I was a 22 ever since I came to college. I never got to a 24.   I slipped on a few pairs of size 20 capris/dress pants with my shorts on bunched up and a tshirt tucked into them. They fit. I just can’t fathom losing almost 2 pants sizes. (I say almost 2 because most 18s don’t fit right) It doesn’t seem like a big accomplishment. I want to hold onto my 22s. I don’t want to let them go. I said to myself “Gabby they’ll fit you this summer. They might fall down but you can still wear them anyway and hike them up.”   But in actuality they won’t fit me. They don’t fit me now. And I just can’t get over that I’m going down in pants sizes. It’s been so long since I started dieting in middle school that I’ve seen actual progress.   Even at a 20/18 I feel like I have more fashion options open to me. I forgot what that felt like. And it makes me both delighted and sad. Sad because I know how hard this world can be when you don’t have all the nice clothes available to you as a fat person above a 14.   My size has been a huge part of my identity, all my life. And I’m wondering what will be left at the end of this long journey?? Will I still be the same or will I be an even bigger mess with an even bigger identity crisis than I started out with?
castiel

castiel

3
 

I'm gaining weight.

I know I've been working out, and lifting a little bit of weights. So I was thinking I was putting on muscle mass, but I'm not losing inches.   I have been meeting my protein requirements, but I'm thinking may I need to get in more. It's frustrating that the scale has gone up progressively as the days have passed. I just recently had my period, so I know it's not water weight.   I don't really know what else to do   I don't regret this surgery one bit, and even hitting a 40 pound weight loss, despite not being able to notice it too much. I guess I'm just impatient and dissatisfied that my body isn't losing the weight the way I want it to.
castiel

castiel

6
 

An Update

It feels like it's been ages since I last updated. Some of this stuff is boring, aka talking about clothes shopping/dropping pant sizes, and also there is some talk about depression.   ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________     These past two weeks have been rough. Not because of my sleeve, just life in general. When I visited my surgeon's partner last month, I mentioned feeling depressed. He just said it was because I relied on food as an emotional crutch, but pre-op I would never eat when I was depressed. I haven't been depressed since my junior year of high school. I was a stress eater, and I ate when I was really happy/excited or as rewards.   It's just gotten worse since I've seen him . I'm terribly depressed. I'm really burnt out of school. I'm having A LOT of sleeping issues. I'm talking like, not being able to sleep until 6am, having to wake up for class at 8:30am and go all day until 4pm. There have been days where I'm so tired from lack of sleep, I just don't go to class for an entire day and it's affecting my grades. There are days where I wake up and think "I can't do this today" so I don't. I lack motivation for anything except going to the gym when I have enough sleep. I cry sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning. It's usually because I'm sad, or I'm so upset that I can't sleep and I know how awful my day is going to be because I can't get to bed on time. I feel trapped at school, despite being so happy with my major. I feel a little lonely even, which rarely happens because I enjoy being alone to wind down, and I have plenty of friends. It's just this cycle I'm trapped in that makes me so unhappy. I'm unhappy.   This feeling of unhappiness led me to sort of running away from college for 4 days. I talked to my instructor on Wednesday for my Thursday class and let her know I was having sleep issues. She said she completely understood, and let me miss class. Cue me leaving Wednesday afternoon, not even saying a word to my roommates, and spending Wed night, Thurs, Fri, Sat and today at home. I needed to escape, to get out of my toxic and entrapping environment.   I had an appointment Thursday afternoon with my GP. He gave me ambien. It didn't do diddly squat for me falling asleep. I've had sleeping problems ever since I got to college. Last semester they were manageable. I've tried Lunesta my sophomore year of college and trazodone my junior year as well. I have symptoms that mimic DSPD. For all I know, it could be DSPD. But it only seems to act up when I'm at school and in a perpetual state of stress. During the summer, when I work, I find that I'm pretty stress free and I can sleep normal hours. I actually like working more than school haha.   I'm thinking about making an appointment with psychological services at my school to help me. I've been taking St. John's wort for almost 4 weeks, 3x a day, and it hasn't really helped with these feelings or improvement of my mood. I'm also looking into switching to 5-HTP to see if that can help with my mood and sleep. I need to do something, because I can't keep living like this.   _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________     On a more positive note, I've had a wonderful time being home. It's nice seeing my puppy and playing with her, talking to my parents, even my annoying little bro. After my doctor's appointment, I went to my local Y where I took my first spin class!!!!!   Talk about difficult! I didn't have muscle fatigue in my legs, but geez my heart is in poor shape. I had to sit down during climbs and jumping because my heart was pounding so hard, I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. MY CHEST HURT! I needed time to catch my breath and slow my heart rate down. It made me frustrated I couldn't keep going because of cardio difficulties. I wanted to really up that resistance to get some real muscle fatigue, but the higher the resistance, the harder my heart pumped   Can I just say, those little seats hurt the nether regions!!! I even had padded biking shorts on. I would rather spend the entire class climbing and jumping than sit on that seat for an hour. I could feel immense pressure and pain on my urethra and other parts. It burned to use the toilet for hours afterwards, and it hurt to sit in a chair lol. But besides the chest pains and private area pain ( AND WRIST PAIN), that was the challenge I needed! I can't wait to register for spin classes on campus. They start at the end of march, so I know what I need to work on before then for cardio conditioning. I'm excited for spin class!   Friday evening, I decided to go to the mall. I needed some retail therapy. I went to JC Penney, but didn't find much in the plus size department. I went over to Deb, where I found out I'm down almost 2 pant sizes!!!! THAT WAS AN AMAZING FEELING! Instead of buying their stuff in 3x, which is supposed to fit a 24 (I actually think they're stuff is a little snug seeing as how I couldn't wear some of their 3x at a 22). I bought a dress in a 2x and a pair of blue jeans in a 20! I also picked up some belts in a 1x as well as a top in a 3x because it was really short. I walked over to Forever 21, and I nearly screamed in the dressing room jumping up and down. I picked up jeans in a 18 just to see if they would fit, and HOLY COW, THEY FIT!!!!!!!!   Ever since F21 introduced their plus size line, I've always worn a 3x, and even then a lot of their shirts didn't fit right. But I bought ALL of my stuff in a 2x! I bought 2 dresses, 3 pairs of denim jeans, one pair of black jeans (size 20 because they didn't have any other size besides 14/16, so I'll just use a belt as needed), 3 tops, and a pair of tights. I WENT A LITTLE CRAZY WITH SHOPPING. All these pieces however, will look fine as I lose weight, so I expect them to help me get through spring. I don't feel that bad about spending all that money because I haven't bought myself new clothes in, I don't know 8 months or more? I'm pretty much broke now, and patiently waiting for a tax return haha.   Shopping was a great feeling. It did make me feel better about my weight loss because I wasn't ecstatic about the numbers on the scale. It showed I was actually making progress. Being home, I'm in such a great mood. I'm happy and content. I'm calling it "The Eye of the Storm" for when I have to go back to class Monday, and I bet those sad feelings will creep back into my life. I also bought a new pair of leather boots that will go with my dresses nicely     Also, I'm down 3 pounds this week! That's the most I've lost since my first 2 weeks post-op. Maybe the stall is broken?? I can't believe I'll be 9-weeks post op on Monday. I'm almost down 40 pounds! That's very exciting.   Recently, I've had a little bit of pain while eating any solid foods. Sometimes even drinking muscle milk will cause me pain, but I hope it goes away soon. I've been doing well with getting all my stuff in, except for my vitamins. I skip days, but when I remember I take them.   It sucks that it's Sunday, because that means I have to drive back to school. I hope this week goes better than the last 2! I guess this sums up my long winded blog post.   xx
castiel

castiel

2
 

Completely frustrated.

I haven't updated in a while because there isn't much news to share. I've been hitting the gym about 4x a week. I do the bike for 45mins, 10 miles, 80+ rpm with resistance, 500+ calories. I hop on the elliptical for 20-30 mins and burn anywhere from 200-400 calories. I also walk on the treadmill for about 15 mins as a cool down. About 60-80 calories. I also use hand weights, 10 pounds and resistance bands every other day. I do squats and raise myself up on my toes to tone my calves.   I'm freaking out because I find that I can eat a whole cup of food. I can eat a whole cup of chili with cheese melted on it. A whole cup of cottage cheese. I can chug my water now (several big gulps at a time). I can eat 5oz of chicken. I feel like I have no restriction or control. I can also eat pretty fast and no issues with that either.   I'm still having issues not drinking 30 after eating, and I don't get discomfort if it's before then. I've only slimed once and that was because I knew I was splurging too much one night. I don't get discomfort with anything to be honest. No nausea, nothing.   I feel like I've stretched my sleeve somehow, or my sleeve wasn't small enough. My weight loss has been so slow and I'm 7 weeks post-op. I read people can only eat a 1/4 of a cup, but I can eat so much more without feeling full. I wonder if part of it's in my head. Like I don't need to eat a cup of food, but I do it anyway because I don't feel satisfied with 1/4 cup of food. No way.   I know I'm getting under my BMR, but I think the weight should be coming off. I see some people lose 5 pounds in a week, while I'm lucky if I can get one or two. I just feel so frustrated, which I assume is normal. I'm still feeling miserable at school and I'm more tired than I was right after surgery. I just feel so trapped at school, I wish it was May!
castiel

castiel

7
 

Things to be excited for when I get fit and healthy

Things to be Excited for When I get FIT Register for a cycling class in March
Bike with my Dad in May from my university to home! (60 miles)
Getting away with wearing only ONE sports bra (not 2 or 3)
Buying any clothes that I want
Wearing normal width boots
Having a regular towel fit around me
Run a 5K with my dad
RunDinsey 10k 2014 with my dad
Sit on an airplane comfortably
People actually don't mind sitting next to me in class or on the bus (if I get into grad school)
To not be fetishized on dating websites
Actually making eye contact with people instead of wishing I was invisible
Not be afraid to smile in photos because it makes my face look even fatter
Taking the stairs instead of dreading them
Not being hot all the time (although my hands and feet are like ice now)
GET TO ONDERLAND
be able to do at least 5 real pull-ups and 20 push ups
And finally, to try to love myself even though everyday is a struggle.   In other news, I went to my school's gym on Friday to get used to everything. I brought my friend with me Monday night, and I went tonight, too. Unfortunately, I got such bad blisters on Monday, I could only stick to the bike tonight.   I'm doing really lousy getting in all my fluids. I think I might get in about 40oz? I'm not really keeping track of my protein, but I estimate it's somewhere around 40g-50g. I think working out helps deplete any carbs I do consume. I've been in a stall for a while now, but the scale finally moved tonight. Although every scale is different, I have a doctor's appointment on Friday so hopefully my new nutritionist will be okay will my weightloss.
castiel

castiel

8
 

Stall, thoughts, and other ramblings

I stepped on the scale today and it went down 3 pounds! I'm at 243. I can't recall the last time I was this weight. I've been above 250 probably since junior year of high school. I hit my highest weight ever of 275 my freshman year of college. It feels odd, but I'm glad the scale finally moved.   I can't believe I'm 43 pounds from onederland. I remember hitting 200 pounds in middle school and crying. My best childhood friend told me that she remembers me crying about it to her. I think by May I could be in onederland. IN TIME FOR GRADUATION... WHOOHOO! They say the first 6 months you lose the most. And I get to start the gym this week. My family has a membership at the Y, so at least I can get back into bike riding (which i miss like crazy) and build up some stamina before Sunday when I go back to school.   I'm really nervous about heading back to college because I go to a school where there are literally less than 20 fat students on campus. And from noticing the lack of visible fat people on campus, I've immersed myself within the body acceptance and fat acceptance movement online. I've come a long way in accepting and loving myself and reclaiming the word fat. Fat is just a word. It does not mean you are worthless or disgusting. My journey is about doing incredible physical things with my body and helping my PCOS as well as trying to prevent health issues that run in my family. I have history of diabetes, heart attack, and stroke in my family. And that's just from my mother's side. I don't know anything about my biological father's history, so my stepfather's (whom I've called dad all my life) doesn't count lol.   I go to a school that's very privileged, where the wealthy are thin, and I see first hand that thin privilege exists. Anyway, I'm nervous for college because my gym is full of thin young men and women. It's constantly packed. I've never set foot in the gym because it makes me so uncomfortable being the only fat person there. My dad says I need to say screw it, because this is about me, not them. I'm bettering myself. I just wish there was a plus size network that I could connect to at school so we could go together. Maybe my roommate will go with me since her doctor told her she needs to work out to help with her stress headaches. I just don't want to be looked at or whispered about. And I don't want to look like an idiot who doesn't know where the equipment is or how to use it because it's different than the Y. The weight area is generally full of men, and the women's studies majors have written theses about it, but I gotta scout out to equipment and weights before I use them. I know there are some women on sports teams that use it, and I want to use weights too! In the meantime I might buy myself a set of interchangeable weights besides the 5 pound weights I own now. I really want to get on board with toning and building muscle in my arms WHILE losing weight, not after losing weight. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________   In other news, I'm going into my 4th week on the food stage. Which means soft foods, and I started today :] I had 3 hard boiled egg whites. I made the mistake of not chewing enough, I was too eager, and I didn't have pain per se, but this incredible full feeling bordering on discomfort as if the eggs were something hard in my stomach. I chewed more diligently after that. I also finished the rest of my pureed chicken from last night and had about 3 small meatballs. I felt guilty, but I ate a little thing that I shouldn't have. It was 90 calories and 10 carbs, and all you need to know is it had chocolate on it. It was soft so I wasn't worried about it not going down. I mean I'm even allowed to have crackers (SO DRY) at this stage. I also found out peanut butter is hard for me to get down without it feeling like a paste is slowly leaking down my throat, just sitting there not making it down, even though it's on my list of foods for the soft food stage. So maybe I'll try it again later this week. Tuna is probably going to be my go to food. I can eat a whole can no problem. I also bought light mayo. I know I should've gotten fat free, but I need to work my way down to it because I knew it was gonna taste gross. I don't notice a difference with light, so once I get used to that, I'll eventually buy fat free in a few weeks.   I'm still having issues with not drinking for a half hour after I eat. I'm forcing myself to mark the time when I stop eating, and try to wait it out. I miss drinking with meals so much. The small portions and limited list of foods I can deal with, but not drinking anything before or after is killing me. Who would've thought that out of all things, drinking with meals is what I miss most. My main issues prior to surgery were eating foods that were a matter of convenience, eating large portions without feeling satisfied, and eating foods that were really bad for you but tasted delicious. I'm waiting for the food mourning to kick in a few weeks from now when I see things with bread that I want to eat so badly, or how easy it is at college to just grab that box of pasta and boil water and eat all those carbs. Eating is going to be hassle for me with all the planning. I plan on carting sippi boxes of muscle milk light in my bags from now on   I'm wondering if my PPIs aren't strong enough because I feel hunger, and I know that can be confused with acid. When I ate dinner tonight, I was able to eat a cup, A WHOLE FREAKING CUP, of unpureed chili over the course of 20 mins without feeling sick or getting to that full point where I feel it sitting in my esophagus.   I'm scared I'm going to give myself a leak. I need to be committed to measuring my food. Only 1/2 a cup. AND THAT'S IT. I see people on here who can only manage a few table spoons, meanwhile I'm sitting here with no nausea and eating like a champ. I don't want to be a failure. WHAT IF MY SLEEVE IS TOO BIG? what if my nerves are so dulled, I can't tell that I overstuffed myself and I give myself a leak? This is why I need to measure my stuff more accurately and not eye-ball things. There could be bad consequences (besides not losing weight) because of it. ___________________________________________________________________________________________   I noticed that there aren't a lot of blog updates on this site. I thought about making a wordpress blog or something like that, but I'm too lazy. The tumblr WLS community is small, and I don't connect with many of the users. I could use my old livejournal, but I don't know about that since I use it for other things. This is kind of like a diary for me, to look back on my thoughts and issues during my journey. I get comfort (and paranoia) to know that people are reading my posts, even if it's just one person.
castiel

castiel

3
 

First work out post-op

I did really poorly today with hydrating and getting in protein. I think I got maybe 40 grams in? And only 40oz of water. I was so thirsty when I got home!   I'm still doing really bad with not drinking before or after eating. WHY AM I STRUGGLING SO MUCH? I think I'm literally going to have to buy a timer and carry it around with me when I'm home (since my phone doesn't have a good timer option on it and appt reminders are a hassle). I need to do this properly.   I'm also calling my doctor's office thursday because I think I need to up my PPIs strength. I'm taking Prevacid 30mg, and my stomach gurgles every 2 hours, and I feel hungry!!! That's not supposed to happen right?   I went to the gym today! I had an intense nightmare this morning that woke me up early, so I felt tired all day. But I made it to the gym. YAYYYY!   I did the bike for 30 minutes with an average speed of 12 miles. Weird thing was, my heart started hurting, and I lost my inhaler so breathing was really difficult. I was freaked out by the heart pains. I slowed down a little on the bike and waited for it to go away. I then walked on the treadmill for about a half hour. In total I burned about 400 calories. Not too bad I guess.   My legs felt really odd. Almost like I could feel the lactic acid building up within a half hour of riding. I just feel really weak tonight. I'm tired. Not like I want to shut my eyes and fall asleep tired, but my body just feels exhausted.   My nut says I can have up to 60 carbs a day, but with all the protein I eat, I don't think I breach 40 most days. I gotta work on being diligent with counting protein AND carbs. My nut stressed that carbs were important to think, especially since I'm in school. If it does get to be too much, and I can't function at school, I'm gonna have to up my carbs if my nut ok's it since caffeine is off the menu for a while LOL.   Here's to a new start with fitness!
castiel

castiel

2
 

Having a rough time

WARNING: CONTAINS A MOSTLY TMI POST   Today, I'm having a bit of a rough time :[   On New Year's eve, I formed a sinus infection. I was and am still miserable. I've been using a neti pot and afrin, and that seems to help. I finally got my hands on some Mucinex D that my mother kindly paid for today. I just took a pill, so hopefully it will help with the sinus congestion. I wonder if the surgery is to blame, but I did just have a sinus infection in September, so I'm susceptible to them.   Anyway, I have been experiencing constipation. I keep getting this feeling like I have to go, but nothing will come out. I bought smooth move tea, and like an idiot, I drank it this morning thinking it would take six hours. I had to go to walmart with my mom to get my tires replaced. She ate in subway, and I went to bathroom that was as hot as a sauna because I was getting intestinal pains. I went, and a little came out. I thought: no big deal, I'm fine.   I walked around for about 10 minutes, and the pains came back full force. I ran to the bathroom, and I had so much pain I was moaning in agony. I started sweating, meanwhile it was literally 90 degrees in there. Every woman that came in complained how hot it was. it was so hot, their friends or family waited outside the bathroom for them.   I started feeling like I was going to pass out. I didn't drink any water this morning besides the tea and to take some meds, and I only had one muscle milk and some oatmeal. I've passed out once before a few months ago from a painful bowel movement, and it felt like it was going to happen again. (I used to be very regular before surgery too, everyday. sometimes twice in one day). I tried calling my mother on her cell over and over to get me some cold bottled water. I sent a text and she finally heard a ping. I guess her call volume was off.   Well, I was on the toilet, in a Walmart, for an hour. Everything came out. It was so hot, I had to take my socks off as well as the pants around my ankles. I didn't dare remove my shirt. NOT MY MOST REDEEMING MOMENT. IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM.   I was covered in sweat and shaking so bad. I had tingling in my hands and feet. I wanted to flop to the floor and just lay there it was so painful and awful.   Moral of the story, DON'T DRINK SMOOTH MOVE TEA DURING THE DAY, OR ANY LAXATIVES DURING THE DAY unless you have a comfortable place to have a bowel movement.   I made it home in one piece. I'm now freezing and still shaking. I'm in sweatpants, sweatshirt, gloves, socks and slippers, under blankets as I write this.   My other issue is that people say they hit a stall during week three, but I've been in a stall since week two, and I'm still in a stall now. I had my surgery on 12/17 and I stopped losing weight around the 26th of December. The scale hasn't budged since. I've been drinking enough fluids, but I'm thinking I need to up my protein. I usually get in 60 grams as per my doctor. But it might not be enough. I keep my calories around 800 or less, but maybe I need more?? Maybe my body really does feel like it's in starvation mode. I wonder if the PCOS has anything to do with it as well.   I start exercising on Tuesday. So I hope that next week I'll see a few pounds drop. I think I need to be more diligent. Drink more, eat more, exercise and take my time as to not over exert myself.
castiel

castiel

7
 

First Doctor's Appointment Post-Op

I met with my dietician and surgeon today. My Nut was impressed with my 20 pound weight loss 11 days post-op but she told me to take two multi-vitamins and asked me about my calcium (I really need to start taking my chewables). However, I am up two pounds from two days ago, but maybe it's because my scale and the doctor's scale are different. I've also had no issue with getting liquids down what so ever and my dietician said I was very lucky. (I THINK I AM!)   She asked me about acid reflux. I said I didn't have any or nausea. yay! But my BM's have become more difficult and I'm getting some serious gas pains and burping. She said it was normal. I just hope it doesn't last forever!   My surgeon told me I could remove my steristrips when I get home. I did, and man it's weird. MY INCISIONS ARE SOOOOOO TINY! like we're talking a centimeter and the biggest one is maybe 2cm. I think with time I might not have scars at all.   He told me when I start pureed food I need to go very slow or else I'll throw up. I'm starting those on New Year's eve dinner. woohoo for manicotti.   I'm still having major gas pains today and I already went to the bathroom this morning. Also, after I sip things like soup or muscle milk, I get pains that feel like gas, and I burp. Not fun :[ I don't think it's a leak, but now I'm paranoid of strictures. I guess once I get to soft foods I'll find out.
castiel

castiel

2
 

I pushed myself a little too much today.

I went to the flea market with my grandmother today. I would say I walked well over a mile, maybe even two. And then we had to go shopping. Sleep made me feel so much better, but by the time we were done, my stomach was on fire.   I took some pain medicine and slept again from about 4pm to 2am. My stomach still hurts a lot and I kind of regret walking so much being a week post-op.   At least tomorrow I get to start full liquids! Yaahoooo! On Christmas day too. So tired of clear stuff.
castiel

castiel

4
 

Today was rough.

I messed up my post yesterday, today I'm officially 5 days post op. I'm down another 2 pounds. 253 from 271! I woke up feeling horrible though. I had a sour stomach. I quickly grabbed my pepcid and took it with a swig of water followed by an anti-nausea dissolveable. I then took my first real shower since Sunday night. WOOHOO! However, I felt so weak. My arm muscles started to burn when I was washing my hair.   When I got out, it was nice putting on fresh comfy clothes. Being so tired and drained, I slept for another 5-6 hours and I still felt awful when I woke up around 7PM. My sleep is all reversed now. I sleep all day and stay up all night :[   I went for a walk this evening, but it was way too cold and I wasn't properly dressed. (Note to self: Don't walk around with leggings as pants in winter).   I definitely hydrated more this evening, and I'm feeling much better. I started getting incision pains, but not the external kind, it's the internal kind. I'M SO PARANOID I'M PUSHING MY SLEEVE TOO HARD WITH ALL THIS PAIN FROM DRINKING. It's not bad pain when I'm drinking, it's only after when I realize I did it too fast. I'm not having an issue drinking and keeping things down at all. I just really don't want a leak or an abscess.   I wish Tuesday would come (Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it!) so I can start some protein shakes and drink some milk. Maybe I could even try some egg nog (non-alcoholic of course) and water it down with skim milk. I know I could use the fat and protein to help me with energy because right now I'm barely getting any. and still no protein after trying isopure clear drinks this week. I think maybe max a day I'm getting between 5-10grams. WHICH IS HORRIBLE!   I'm going to Wal-mart tomorrow to get some vitamins, lactaid, sugar free syrups, powdered milk, and a temporary protein powder until my nectar chocolate truffle comes in the mail. I know by next Thursday, I'm going to be sick of protein shakes!
castiel

castiel

4
 

Sleep is so important!

Just when I didn't think my energy levels could get any lower, today was a true test.   I had to stay up all night finishing a paper, and I was going to go to sleep sometime around 11AM. However, my mom and extended family wanted to drag me out shopping. I was in such a foul mood my mom told me to stay home, and I almost did, but then she felt bad and made me go.   Needless to say, walking around with no sleep, protein, sugars, carbs in my body made me feel so physically and mentally exhausted I wanted to cry. The mall was crowded and I couldn't stand all the people around. (Normally I'm such a social person and don't mind at all). But today, everything was pushing my buttons.   We also went to Costco. MAN, THAT WAS SO DIFFICULT. If any of you know about Costco, Sam's or BJ's, they offer free samples of their food products. Well, almost every isle had something. Cheesecake, crackers, spreads, mozzarella sticks, pizza, cookies, candy. I wanted to scream right in the middle of the store. But I didn't have a single bite of anything and I felt at least a little proud of myself. I think I caught this one guy staring at me as I was eyeballing my grandmother so hard for eating a lovely piece of candy. I felt like he was thinking "Why isn't this fat girl eating all of the samples?" But oh well.   LIQUIDS ARE KILLING ME.   I picked up some light muscle milk (said not made with milk) and some lactaid milk as well in case I am lactose intolerant. I also have to buy lactaid pills, just in case. However, I hope I can definitely stand milk.   I kind of had a NSV today. When I was at the mall I was looking for a holiday outfit. I still bought a dress in a 22, but I probably could've got it in a 20. However, I did try on this lace party dress in a 20, and holy cow, IT FIT! I haven't tried on jeans because they're uncomfortable, but maybe 16 pound weightloss did help me get down to a 20. It's been since high school that I've been in a 20. I've been a 22 for the last 4 years. When I reach a 14, I feel like the world's fashion doors will open to me.   Oh, when I came home, I slept for 10 hours o.O   Can't say I didn't need it!   xx
castiel

castiel

2
 

4 days post-op: Down 16 Pounds... not fat?

I had surgery early Monday morning. I stepped on the scale, 5 days later on Friday, also early in the morning. I went from 271 to 255.5 pounds in 5 days. That's almost 16 pounds... in 5 days. Seems like a lot, almost abnormally so. My grandmother seems very excited for me, however, I keep telling her it's probably just my liver shrinking and all the waste leaving my body. Is it bad that I'm being pessimistic?   I've had no issues with constipation. Still gassy, but it's making it's way out pretty fast down below and I have no shoulder, side, or chest pains. Walking a few hours after surgery and walking blocks around the surgery ward every 2 hours really did help me, I think. A lot of the nurses were amazed. I didn't see many other bariatric patients walking around until late at night I saw one man walking a little bit from his room until he turned around and went back.   I remember the next day after surgery when I did the x-ray test and had to drink that nasty liquid, I ran into a young woman named Monica waiting for it, too. She looked at me and asked "What did you get?" I mentally laughed and then said the vertical sleeve, and she said she had the same. I asked her what he goal weight was and she said 140. I'm going for 150-155. We talked about gas pain, but I told her I was up and walking a few hours after surgery. I know I mentioned the VST forum and asked if she was on it, and she asked me my name, but I thought she meant my username.... obviously the drugs got to me and I gave her my username (Castiel is a name of a character from a TV show) and yeah.... so she didn't know my name until a nurse called it. probably thought I was crazy haha. I didn't see her walking around the floor at all during my stay nor could I find her room til the very very end right before she was leaving :[ I wanted to wish her good luck!   Right now, I'm seriously hungry. I'm only on clear liquids, no protein. I can't stand the taste of isopure. It's revolting! I thought it was okay before surgery, but that weird filmy after taste and the smell? no thanks. I know it's bad, but I had a half of a teaspoon of peanut butter over the course of a half hour with water swished in my mouth. I was prepared to get sick, but so far I'm okay. I feel drained of energy, and I just need some good tasting protein shakes (not until monday). These next two weeks of liquids and full liquids can't go fast enough! I'm ready for some mashed potatoes and pureed beans... maybe even with a little sour cream, and a glass of milk!   I think the hardest part is getting through this month until I can finally get to soft foods. Head hunger is killing me and I can't wait to have smaller portions of healthy good tasting stuff! I'm also paranoid I have leak already, but I guess I'll find out when I have a fever and more intense pains. I seem to be straining my stitches a lot :[
castiel

castiel

5
 

Back to School and my diet

I haven't updated my blog in a few days.   I worked out on Friday and was finally able to get my heart rate low enough to burn fat. Granted I only rode the bike for an hour, but hey it's better than me doing high cardio and only being able to do 30 minutes without my muscles feeling like they're not even in my legs.   I headed back to college on Sunday. It took me forever to unpack, but I was left all alone on what I should make for dinner. I didn't feel like going through the whole process of making chili or defrosting chicken or fish. So I went to one of my quick food options: Barber Foods Chicken Cordon Bleu. 250 calories for a 5oz piece (a little high in fat) only 11 carbs and 24 grams of protein! http://www.barberfoods.com/Our-Products/Category-One/chicken-cordon-bleu.aspx   I popped that in the oven for about 35 minutes and bam! a fast meal ready to go when I was unpacking. Perfect portion size.   Unfortunately, at the time I misread the label and thought it was 4oz and I tried to eat the whole thing. It was only in the last few bites where I could feel it come back up. It's weird, I don't get nauseous or feel like I need to throw up, it just keeps rising in my esophagus but never gets high enough for me to help get it out. Even gagging myself doesn't do anything. So I don't know. After last night's episode of having that feeling of food rising, I realized I need to measure my food. I just have to do it.   I've eaten a whole cup of chili before with no issues, and then I was forcing myself to fill my mug only half way for about 4oz instead just because I knew I was supposed to do 1/4 cup servings but I was doing 1/2. I felt like I was eating too much or maybe forcing myself with only a bite or two too much and having that rising feeling. This is why it's important to measure, so you don't over eat. I was just eyeballing it, BUT NO MORE!   I made tuna fish to bring for lunch in between class and I packed a baby wedge of cheese that had 6g of protein. I had a few bites of the tuna late last night while making it so there was less for today. I ate the tuna for lunch and half the cheese wedge.   My internship didn't start today, so I found that out after I went in. I went back up to my room, waited a bit and drank a muscle milk light and the other half of the cheese wedge. I later ate 4 crackers with 2tb of peanut butter.   After my last class, I made myself some ground beef with taco kit seasoning. I got out my 1/2 cup measuring scoop and put the meat on a little plate and sprinkled it with cheese and salsa. I started eating and I was getting these weird pains. So I was only able to eat half (or in this case 1/4 cup of food) without feeling too full. I think the 1/4 thing was right. My eyes are still bigger than my tiny stomach. I'm adjusting and learning. I'm only going into my second week of soft foods.   I'm eating the rest of the beef in 2 hours or so. I'm trying to get in all my protein because I'm still not losing weight even though I thought my stall was over. Then part of me was wondering, by not measuring my chili and other foods, was I getting too many calories? Or I could I not be getting enough? It could also be the spices causing me pain. I'm just not sure.   The other thing is that I don't own a scale at school. So I won't be keeping track of my weight loss. I have a doctor's appt on the 25th so I'll find out if I lost any weight then. I'm also going to start exercising at my school's gym on Wednesday. They're open til 10 or 11 and my school's gym is PACKED. I peer into it every time I'm on the shuttle and there's barely any equipment open. I figure going later is better because not a lot of people want to work out late at night. I'm a night owl so I don't care as much. I think my best work out days will be Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. I don't party or go out on the weekends (not like I can drink now hahaha), so I'm hoping the gym will be barren in the evenings. Here's to hoping!
castiel

castiel

0
 

A long awaited update.

I haven't posted on this site in so long, nor have I been active on the boards, and it's not only because of finals, papers, projects, and my thesis, but because I feel guilty.   I haven't worked out in over a month. My diet? Completely out the window. I've eaten pasta a few times and potatoes. I got stuck with a giant box of left over candy from a school project and ate a lot of it. The scale went up to 231, but now it's back down to 224. I'm not taking my supplements like I should and I still haven't gotten my blood work done because I haven't been home. My hair loss is still going on but it's not that bad. No one can even notice and some days I can't either.   Recently, I went out drinking, and let's say getting used to the lower body weight and the fact that liquid goes right through your stomach is a nightmare for consuming way too much alcohol and having nothing to throw up. So I learned my lesson the hard way. I shouldn't even be drinking anyway, but I'm young and graduation is around the corner. I just need to limit myself to one or two drinks.   I've been so blessed to be able to have this surgery and I feel like I'm wasting it. I'm so busy with school work, but once it's all over, next week my butt is getting back to the gym and this time it will be for good because my home gym is so much better than my school's gym. I'm more comfortable there!   I really wanted to hit that 50 pound loss for graduation on the 20th this month, but it might be possible the week before graduation to lose a few pounds to get close. I also have my 55 mile bike ride with my dad, and I think it's going to really test me because I'm out of shape again. (Heh, maybe I've never been in shape) but we're taking our time and spreading it out over two days.   So that's what's been going on in my life. I hope everyone is doing well.
castiel

castiel

0
 

6 weeks post-op

It's hard to believe I'm 6 weeks post-op. Surgery day feels ages ago. I'm down 31 pounds. I started to get my butt into gear and into the gym!   Unfortunately, I got a little too excited tonight and ate some beef followed crackers with pb&j. I kept eating, not being conscious about how much I was actually consuming, and before you knew it I had immense fullness and my mouth started filling up with saliva. I tried to throw up, but nothing would come out, just saliva pooling into my mouth.   At least now I know how much it would actually take to make me feel ill. I even had heart pains for a few mins. I feel horrible, yuck!   NEVER AGAIN! I didn't need to sabotage my great 6-week progress by not paying attention and slowing down. But it was a tough lesson learned.
castiel

castiel

0
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