My Journey to Me

Anxiety, Excitement and Fears: Pre-Op and 5 days to procedure

I'm having surgery on the 19th of December. That's 5 days away, almost 4; I never expected this range of emotions and yet I feel they are not strange or uncalled for. I've been on the Pre-Op diet of 1000 calories, less than 40 grams of fat and at least 50 grams of protein--these numbers are becoming the law of the land. I know the calories will be amended as my medical team sees fit, but for now, it will hold its place. I was told that my emotions have taken me unaware because of the fact that I try to project an aura of calm and readiness. Once I heard this, I realized it was true. Even though I smile at everyone, and tell those who ask "How do you feel?" the expected and unheard answer of, "I'm good", I have several emotions rolling around inside my brain. I know that if they are not addressed, not expressed that they will snowball. Before I would turn to food to stem the tide, to fill the gaps, but that can no longer be the case. I will control my emotions; they will not control me. I control my emotions; they do not control me. I am anxious. I have never had major surgery before. I'm concerned about being put under for such a period of time; I have the silly fear of saying something stupid coming out of the stupor of anesthesia. I am excited. This is a major step on the way to Me. My weight issues stem from childhood and my past, and I have decided that I will no longer allow the past to control and influence who I am, the woman I know that I am but hides beneath this armor of obesity. This surgery, this tool can be beneficial in so many ways, besides just losing weight. I am afraid. This is a major surgery, a major step to a new lifestyle to promote my health and thus enrich my life. I've never had this chance at health, not like this. I've been overweight a vast majority of my life (since I was a toddler) so a healthier me seems like a mirage in the heat, a dance of shimmers dancing on the hot highway road, seducing your eyes to see water pooled where there is none--no water, just hot asphalt. The idea of a healthier and smaller me seems to be just a seductive thought that cannot truly manifest itself. Though this surgery will change a part of my body, I am the one who is ultimately in control of what I eat, how I eat and why I eat. I have shirked this responsibility for so long that now I wonder if I can handle it. From what I've seen, everyone has this fear, of going back to the beginning and then some; perhaps it is a reminder of all those diets that worked for a while but the results never stayed, and the weight that came back with a vengeance and reinforcements. This is a journey, the beginning of a new lifestyle and the maturing of Me. I am not "new," I will not give up my mistakes and begin again. My mistakes and history are my own, and I will take from them and use this new tool and opportunity to show all what I have learned--to show myself that I can finally and only be Me, and I am worth everything it took to get Me here.

MrsGamer

December 15, 2012

19 Days Since Surgery

It has been two weeks and five days since my surgery, and I am left in wonder and introspection. I have had my first post-op doctor's appointment and am scheduled to see him again in about two months. I am to lose 24 pounds by then. My scale and the scale at my doctor's are different by six pounds; I also weigh myself nude at home while I am fully clothed while at my doctor's (plus I think I had my car keys in my jeans pocket). I've realized I haven't been following the schedule that I am supposed to have set with my meals: 3 meals a day, 2oz each, and 2 protein shakes. I am still on a liquid diet; broths and protein shakes have been my meals. I've been nearly meeting my protein intake of 50g a day (I get around 46-50, depending on the kind of shake I drink). Along with my realization that I need to work on my food schedule, I also realized I need to be measuring my broth so I can get used to the 2 oz of food I am allowed, so when day 22 comes along, I will measure my soft foods out of habit. Instead of measuring my broth, I've been pouring them into my little toddler bowl and eating it slowly until I feel full. I believe that I was eating double of what I should, but then would not "eat" broth the rest of the day, but would focus on drinking my protein shakes. Even with the completion of my third week coming up and soft foods will soon be on my menu, I am still only allowed 500 calories. This is somewhat concerning to me in that a protein shake that I am loving automatically gives me 220 calories. I can reduce that by using just water to make my shake as opposed to a cup of soy milk and half a cup of water; though with the current way I make my shake, I get 33g of protein in. I'm considering having that shake as a "breakfast" and shake combo. I am also concerned about the 500 calories since I will be starting to exercise, besides the everyday walking that I do. I will start slow, but I also know that beforehand I could burn 400 calories with 30mins of cardio. I trust my doctor, so I just have to hold on to that while wrapping my head around the idea of small calorie intake and the addition of cardio and eventually strength training. With all these changes that I've been going through, I've realized that I've been focusing on the wrong numbers: instead of focusing on my number triad of 500/50/<40, I have been focusing on the number on the scale. and disappointed in that I see no difference in my body shape. Still, I know I am losing weight, and I tell/comfort myself with the idea that I may be losing slowly compared to others but that could be good for me skin wise and also, just adjustment wise. I've taken to keeping a food diary, and have set up a weight loss chart to remind myself that even if I cannot see a difference, I am losing weight and am on track. With all that being said, I am glad that I've taken this big step and am making progress on my journey. I've realized my mistakes and am seeking to correct them. I am working on my water intake, thought I do get my full amount of liquids in through the broth, shakes and bit of water I do drink. I know I need to get better at my water intake since I will be trying soft foods soon, so I will be including broth less and less in my liquid intake (and really, I am getting so freaking tired of chicken broth). I am making my way down this path and with each little step I'm realizing past mistakes in the way I ate and took care of myself, and I'm realizing the mistakes I was making now and am working on correcting those. Sometimes, things that are worthwhile must be worked for and earned so their enjoyment is that much sweeter. My life will be so much sweeter learning and meeting the new me. And for now, in the short term, the sweetness will come with my first scrambled egg!

MrsGamer

January 8, 2013

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