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Almost 6 Months -- 85 Lbs Gone Forever :)

I’ve been wanting to do a blog entry, but then the website went all wonky. I’m going to try this today, and decide if I want to continue blogging or not. So far I’m not a real huge fan of the new site. I chose VST over the “other” WLS websites because it was specifically for VSG people; now bariatricpal mixes us all together again. Yes there is a certain amount of segregation, but now I find it difficult to navigate. I don’t really like the name even! I know people do not like change & I am one of them. I find myself less involved in the message boards because of the change. I am grateful that the change to the site took place when I was 5+ months out. I can’t imagine having gotten to where I am without the old board. Perhaps I’m ready to fly on my own now anyway.   I am down 85 lbs since the start of 2 week preop diet, and down 75 since surgery. I am wearing clothes from the back of my closet, and people are finally really starting to notice I’ve changed. Amazing to me that it’s taken this long for them to see! BUT in a way, I would rather not draw attention to myself in this way. I am ready to be at goal weight and having people just know me as a girl of a healthy weight so that they don’t feel the need to compliment me on my loss.   Some days are easier than others with the weight loss. I KNOW at this point that I could eat whatever I want. I have been very diligent thus far, and I am averaging a loss per week of 1.24%. I am occasionally tempted by the wrong stuff (i.e. “treats”) but I haven’t given in, and it is SO much easier since surgery to stick to a healthy plan I’ve devised for myself. I contribute this largely to having gone through detox in the time immediately after surgery. I’ve never been able to eat this clean for this long, and it feels good! I don’t look at it like a diet – that’s so cliché, but I have always WANTED to have a healthy lifestyle I just never had the control before. Now I know I have the control if I work it right.   If I am hungry, I just have to make sure I eat dense protein first so that I can feel restriction. If I do not do that always, I will have a hard time getting to goal. I can’t say that I track my food anymore regularly, and I don’t count calories, etc. I stay away from bread, rice, pasta, except for one or two days per week. I have for the most part foregone sugar and processed food. I don’t stress over things being low fat. My breakfasts are coffee and protein drinks, then I have a green shake (spinach, fruit, protein, avocado, almonds) mid morning, then some lean protein for lunch, then a chike protein drink mid afternoon, and a “lean & green” dinner – but it’s mostly lean protein and just a spot of green vegetable. I feel my green drinks keep my veggie intake up. Routine is key for me. I take my vitamins daily, and drink as much water as I can. I enjoy sugarfree popsicles in the evenings. More than one. Sometimes I wonder if that’s a problem. They are essentially frozen crystal light, but am I playing into old behaviors by going back for several per evening? Yes I am still seeing weight loss but I want to change 40 years of bad habits, so I wonder about eating several of ANYTHING. I will ask my NUT tomorrow when I talk to her.   I had bloodwork done and saw my endocrinologist yesterday. He said my iron is slightly high and my blood pressure is slightly low. The episodes of feeling worn out can be blamed on the low blood pressure. Even when I was 85 lbs heavier my blood pressure was on the low side, so you can imagine how it is now. I’m a bit of an anomaly in that way. So I get to indulge my salt cravings, and I need to make sure I stay hydrated even that much more!   I fully intend to get to goal. I have yo-yo’d in the obese range for several years now. I’m now beginning to enter territory weight-wise where I haven’t been in 10 years, so I am really beginning to feel different. It’s fun and exciting and a bit scary. But I want to do it anyway – I want to lose about 59 more lbs.! And, 2 lbs from now and I will be merely overweight and no longer obese. That’s cool!   I never lost hair, and I figure I’m in the clear. I’ll say it again: I never had hair loss! I will be at the 6 month mark in a week, so I pretty much figure I’m in the clear!! Yay! I had accepted that as a side effect long ago, but lo and behold it didn’t happen to me. I am thankful, but I would have dealt with it. I just didn’t want to cut my hair, because I’ve been growing it out for years. I got my claories up to 900 to 1000 fairly early after starting real foods, and I think this helped me hang on to my hair. I have half a small avocado in my green shake every day, as well as almonds. These things are high calorie but are “good fat”. And good fat is good for the hair and skin. So far excess skin isn’t horrible, but I know I won’t know until I get there how much of an issue it will be. I won’t get plastics though – it just looks too painful! And I hope that after years at a healthy goal weight perhaps the skin will go back to a reasonable shape.   All in all I am very happy with how this is turning out! I knew immediately after surgery that I just needed to get on with living a new lifestyle and that as time passed I would see results. And I am! Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

2
 

month 9ish post op, down 105 lbs

Well Well Well..... It’s been 9 months (roughly) since I had my surgery on 5/22/13. That’s enough time to have gestated and given birth to a baby --- I am 105 lbs lighter. That would have been a really big baby! LOL   First – I will say -- the weight loss is slowing down, it is much more irregular. And, my eating is much more, shall we say, irregular as well. So it’s not the weight loss slowing down all on its own. I take some responsibility. I have gotten more lax in some ways. Still don’t eat very much in the way of bread, no rice, no pasta. Those things just no longer appeal to me. Which is – shocking! I never would have dreamed of that! And this will be my saving grace in the long run I bet. But I’ve had sweets here and there. And more cheese than I should have. Time to get a handle on that. I’m not in denial about it, and I have goals to reach so dammit I will do what it takes!   The weight loss began to slow a couple of months ago --- it was bound to happen and I expected it. I went all that time with no real stalls at any point. Funny thing is – I swear I lose a bunch in inches when the scale is NOT moving much. I’m sooooo glad I took my measurements and logged them into spark people way back in the beginning, because when the scale isn’t moving I can see that my circumference is getting smaller I have lost – gulp --- 15 inches off my waist and 14 inches off my hips. WOW.   I do have more of an appetite now. Nowhere near where it was before, thank GOD. But some days I have to catch myself grazing. So, when I began to struggle a bit I decided to try what a lot of vets are trying, the 5:2 plan. I am going to put something out here that on the regular board may invoke an uprising, but this is my blog, so I want to put forth this theory: the 5:2 plan has been bad for me.   I have been reading on the boards the vets raving about the 5:2 ( 5 days of normal eating and 2 intermittent days of really low calorie “fasting” days) and I think it harkens back to my old unhealthy eating habits so much so that it has caused me some problems. I have tried it for the last few weeks, because I could sense that my weight loss was slowing down (as it naturally does when you get closer to goal).   Well it has really felt like my old days of strict dieting and then going a bit crazy on the non-fasting days. I think falling into this pattern is to blame for my weight loss to stagnate further than it would otherwise have. I think I need to get back to a consistent and reasonable, healthy daily diet routine. With an occasional treat meal. Now, the vets out there who love 5:2 --- well it seems to be working great for them and I don’t fault them a bit for doing it. I just think for me, it is too similar to my old disordered way of eating. The thing is that I believe in 5:2 in theory, and I know that the 5 non fasting days doesn't mean these are Go Crazy days. It's just that for me, the 2 fasting days trigger me in such a way that I can easily go crazy on the non fasting days. It isn’t going to be something that works for me, at least at this point in my journey. It seems to work for me as a maintenance tool – I have stayed in roughly the same place for several weeks lol.   And an interesting thing I want to comment on with clothing and sizes. I weigh 184 today. Fifteen years ago I was (briefly) at my Weight Watchers goal weight of 165. I wore a size 10 then. Today, I am also in a size 10. Which means that when I get down to 165, surely I will be in at least an 8? So I can’t figure out if I am actually smaller this time due to more exercise and having more lean muscles this time (muscle weighs more than body fat) or is this vanity sizing in action? My husband says it’s probably a little of both….   Another funny thing with clothing and the body dysmorphic disorder that losing a lot of weight fairly quickly can bring on: when I go to put on my size 10 jeans, and they look so impossibly small in my hands that I think there is NO WAY these are going to fit or even come up my thighs let alone over my hips and be able to be buttoned. But then, as I put my feet in the pants legs, one at a time, the seemingly tiny jeans seem to grow until they do indeed effortlessly slide up my legs, over my hips and are easily buttoned. It's like some crazy movie special effects. It is a very strange visual phenomenon! I know my mind is playing tricks on me. I wonder how long this will last?   Anyways, I am still SO grateful to have had this life changing opportunity. Couldn’t be happier with the results, and I know the journey continues. I am committed to the process and to myself   Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

4
 

one month since surgery

Today is one month out since surgery. I am down exactly 30 lbs since the start of the pre-op diet, and 20 lbs since surgery. I was telling my mom that this morning, and feeling a wee bit bummed about “only 20 lbs since surgery” but she pointed out that it is a 5 lb average per week. I thanked her for setting me straight and making me look at it like that. I get so impatient sometimes, but this process will take some time of course. And time is going to pass anyway – I’m awfully glad to be losing as time passes! This morning I shopped in my closet and am wearing a dress I haven’t worn in months. That feels good, and I’ve already gotten a compliment on it.   You know, I have lost weight before as an adult-- at one point I even lost like 75 lbs years ago. And I’ve noticed something…. it’s so funny how when people you work with, for example, who don’t know you’re losing weight, they begin to notice something is different but they can’t quite figure out what it is. So funny. I had a moment like that yesterday. I bought a dress two days after surgery; it’s a nice maxi dress that I can wear for a while as I shrink. I have already worn that dress 3 times to work since surgery! But it was yesterday that a male coworker of mine said “Well you’re all dressed up today! You look nice, is it a special occasion?” LOL! I’m changing but they can’t quite put their finger on what exactly is changing….in my experience ,soon I will get the “did you do something different with you hair? Did you get your hair cut?” questions. LOL   As far as food goes, I am still technically supposed to be on soft foods. To be honest, I would be scared to eat anything not soft right now. I have no pain of course, but my Morningstar sausage experience a little while back is not something I’d like to repeat. So it is not difficult to stick to the soft things—I gravitate toward them out of fear! LOL. I am eating 2 to 3 protein meals per day – I try for 3 oz but it’s usually just under 2 oz. In between, I’m doing my “green smoothies” with protein powder. It blows my mind that I haven’t had bread in 6 weeks. Or chips or crackers or any of that crap. I’m pretty much carb-free! I can prepare those things for my husband’s meals and it doesn’t even entice me. I do have occasional cravings. If it’s something that’s on my current plan to have (like cheese), I eat it, and I find that literally after 2 bites I’m more than done. The sugar fiend in me is still alive, but when those cravings hit I 1) remind myself that I would probably feel horrible if I ate sugar and 2) when I am at goal, I will allow myself such indulgences occasionally. I KNOW that I could totally eat ice cream right now. But I am just not gonna do it!!!!   I am finally getting a reasonable amount of energy back. I am walking 30 minutes almost every day. I need to start strength training. I am beginning to develop a fear of loose skin. Somehow I’m not sure I could bring myself to do plastic surgery – although never say never. Just depends on how bad it is when I’m there I guess. I need to worry about that bridge when I get to it. I bought bio oil and am trying to be really good to my skin. Hope it will return the favor! I totally have ketosis breath. It’s pretty funny. Love the altoids sugar free mini’s. They also are awesome right after a meal when I still need to wait 30 minutes to drink something. Monday I see my surgeon for my one month follow up. My incisions are great. I’m certain he will give the all-clear to hit the beach Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

5
 

6 weeks post op

Aloha   Today marks 6 weeks since surgery, and Wednesdays are my ‘official’ weigh in, although I do weigh every morning. I just record it only on Wednesdays. Yesterday the scale showed me down 40 lbs since start of pre-op, 30 since surgery. This morning I showed down 39 lbs since pre-op and 29 since surgery. ~sigh~ this is my first gain, and I’m guessing I ate something salty yesterday. I am absolutely not bugged about this. I will continue to weigh every morning. I am not obsessing.   Just yesterday I had a meeting with my NUT and I asked her what her take on stalls is – is it something that just happens inexplicably, or is it usually something the person is doing wrong? Mind you, when I asked this I was still moving full steam ahead losing every day. LOL maybe I jinxed myself. ANYways, she said stalls just happen sometimes, but the individual has the power to break them. All this being said, I know that 1 lb gained overnight certainly does not constitute a stall. It has just set me to thinking about it. There will come a time when I actually do hit a stall. I want to be prepared for it.   So screw the 1 lb overnight last night – I am very, very pleased with my progress! I am beginning to go shopping in my closet, and that is fun. I realized last weekend that I can cross my legs; hooo! that was a thrill! My nightly hikes have become more energetic – I can go longer and faster and work up a good sweat. My dog is loving it!   I was thinking this morning that something I would love to be able to do would be pushups. Real, honest-to –goodness, straight leg, military style pushups. No way in hell I can do it now, but I was thinking how cool it would be to be able to do them eventually. My (very athletic) husband would be so impressed! And then I had a brainstorm that I will train myself in secret to be able to do them as a surprise for him! Every morning when he gets in the shower I am going to roll out of bed and start trying to do them. And then one day I'll say "look what I can do!" I also want to get some hand weights. My bariatric exercise specialist had given me a band to do arm strength training with, but I have begun to get very nervous using it because I am terrified it’s going to snap and put my eye out. Paranoid? LOL. Perhaps! But I noticed that in very tiny print on the typed instructions she gave it says “caution: wear eye protection when using the band”. LOL she never said it out loud, she didn’t wear glasses when demonstrating it for me, and I have never, never seen anyone in person or on TV wear protective eyewear with the band. Leave it to paranoid me to start thinking about goggles though. Actually, I’d just rather get some hand weights and not worry about it any further.   So far my hair is the same as it’s always been – yay! I am fond of my hair. But I think it’s just a little early yet anyways to see any losses. I won't be surprised when it starts to thin a bit in a month or two. My nails are still growing like mad—I finally had to actually clip them so I could type. In the past they’ve always broken way before they got to the point of needing to be clipped. Hope this nice side effect lasts I guess as long as I get my protein and take my vitamins it will. My energy is getting better all the time. Still would love more energy, but I have faith that my energy level, along with other things in my life, will just keep getting better n better as time goes on.   Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

3
 

5 weeks post surgery

Today marks 5 weeks since surgery. I am down 35 lbs since start of pre-op, 25 since surgery itself. I’m currently going roughly ½ lb per day, so I am sure not complaining. I feel I have a normal appetite when there’s not food in front of me, in other words, I do get hungry. But once the food is in front of me I don’t really want it. I kinda do miss enjoying my food, but honestly, this is what I signed up for, and I prefer the way I am now. It will just take some getting used to. For 41 years I have been food-obsessed (yes even as an infant, according to my mom). It will no doubt take a while to learn to refocus my energy. I have an awareness that I need to really take advantage of this honeymoon period to change my habits, because I know eventually it will become physically easier and more satisfying to eat and therefore I will be in danger of over eating again. Actually, I think the real danger will be in eating the wrong things.   Emotional eating was never my problem, I honestly feel like I was crazy-hungry (the grehlin monster?). Preparing for surgery, I was open to the possibility that I was an emotional eater – I really wanted to figure out the issues and deal with them head on. But apparently that wasn't my problem. My problem was a big appetitie for the wrong things, which exacerbates the cravings for more of the wrong things, which leads to weight gain, which leads to inhibited activity. And down goes the spiral from there. I finally feel like my spiral is turning upward! And, the point of my emotional eating tangent here is that yesterday I had a pretty nasty argument with my husband (we’re good now, thanks), and all I really wanted to make me feel better after our fight was………a cigarette. Ha! I quit in January, and I miss it. But I don’t miss all the icky things that go along with it, so I’ll deal. But I took a moment to acknowledge that in my time of stress I didn't want a chocolate bar. It was interesting to me.   I’m also dealing with my impatience – it doesn't seem fair that I am practicing the habits of a fit & slim person, yet I will have to wait months and months (and possible more) to actually BE a fit & slim person. But I guess it's that instant -gratification mentality that got me here in the first place. A healthy weight is not something to be grabbed at the drive-through (figuratively AND literally) This will take time and it will be worth it. I vow to try to find ways to enjoy the journey. It’s going to take time, may as well find it entertaining on the way, right?   Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

5
 

pre-op pondering

Hi – this ridiculously long entry really is for me to organize all the questions I’ve been having as I progress on this journey. I don’t expect answers, because in many cases it’s different for different people. I’ve been on VST for many months now, reading every experience I can. I think this has been instrumental in educating me enough that I feel comfortable proceeding with the pursuit of the sleeve. I feel I’ve learned a lot about what to possibly expect. But I’ve also learned enough to know that people’s experiences can vary greatly or be very similar. So in that spirit, I’m committing to the blogosphere my personal ponderings. I intend to revisit all these sometime post surgery and have some answers. - Will I have to fight much with insurance to get approved? I’m working with my surgeon’s office to do the 6 month thing, and have requested all my files be sent to surgeon’s office to see how many of the 6 months have already been met. I feel like a show pony doing a tap dance – I will do whatever they want! Just approve me already! - Once approved by insurance, when can the surgeon schedule me? Will they bump me up if I say pretty please? - When I have my date, will my sweet husband decide he’s too scared of the risk of me doing this? I have been patiently educating this wonderful, naturally fit & athletic man about what it’s like to have a weight problem, and I believe he does understand, after many long talks , why I can’t “just try harder”…. - When I have my date will *I* get scared of the risk and freak out? I’ve read on VST that it’s common. I am reading VST every day and doing some hard core soul searching. I want to be as mentally and emotionally prepared as possible. Even so, some fear is to be expected…just hope it’s not the high BP kine, or the kine where you jump off the OR table in the gown where your butt’s hanging out and run away lol - When I check in the hospital for surgery, will I be able to let go and not worry about how my family is doing while I’m in surgery? Will I focus on worrying what my husband will have for lunch, or will I be thinking about my stomach being cut out….on second thought, probably better to wonder what hubby is having for lunch. - What will it be like to go under anesthetic? What will it be like to wake up? Will I say anything embarrassing? Will I sing? Will I tell jokes? - Will the surgeon be able to do the single incision at my belly button as planned? How big will the incision be? Will my belly button ever look the same? Or will he need to do additional incisions? Can’t imagine my gi-normous stomach coming out a little bitty puka. Does he cut it up to get it out? Or fold it? Or roll it up like a yoga mat? Do I really wanna know? Glad I won’t be awake to see :] - Will I be in much pain when I wake up? Will I be nauseous? Lord I’d rather be in pain than throw up. VST shows a wide variety of how people feel waking up. I know there are a lot of factors including how I react to the anesthesia and pain meds. - Will I be able to walk and sip water easily? I read and read here that I should “walk walk walk, sip sip sip”. That will be my job, hope I’m good at it. - Will each day get better and better? What will be my worst day? - When I come home, will I be able to sleep in my bed ? Will I be exhausted? I’m exhausted all the time anyway now so maybe it won’t be much different - Will I have difficulty with swallowing water? This has been something I’ve tried really hard to imagine and honestly it is pretty much beyond my realm of imagination. To have a hard time with a teeny sip of water….what about my own spit? Is it hard to swallow that? Will I drool? OK I’m being silly. But seriously…. Will I even have spit if I can’t drink a decent amount of water?! - Will my incision heal nicely or will my weird-@ss skin react to the bandage or whatever doc uses. Will I get itchy? Hivey? Will I be able to take my allergy medicine? - How long will I need pain medicine? Will it help? Will I need an acid blocker right away? Will it help? - Will I be a slow lose or a fast loser? Honestly, doesn’t matter much to me, so long as I’m a BIG loser! - Will my tastes change? OMG I want to lose my sweet tooth! And my Mexican food tooth! - What will I learn about my relationship with food? I know I am already exploring this, and I want to find a counselor sooner than later. I truly believe that I am not an emotional eater. I do believe that I am a hard core food addict though. Explaining that will be another entry some time. - How soon will I feel human again after this major surgery? How soon will I feel like going back to work? So MANY different experiences with other VST folks. This question is truly unpredictable as far as I can tell. He he he …. Oh I’d say I never want to go back to work…..cuz it’s work. But how soon will I be able to go back. Unless of course I suddenly become independently wealthy during my recovery. Even then, I’d want to go back and organize my files…. - Will I experience the “buyer’s remorse” phase like so many do? How long will it last for me? - Will I experience the moodiness and depression some feel? I wonder…but knowing it’s a common occurrence will help me battle it if it does show up. Depression is a sneaky monster, but knowing it’s hormones is a great way to arm myself in that battle. - Will I experience the other thing the ladies on VST sometimes talk about in regards to the hormones after surgery? Will I finally tire out my hubby insteada the other way around? - What will it be like to finally have success in a weight loss endeavor and know I can make it long term. I know it will be work, and I know I will be embarking on a major life change. But how will it feel to know I actually have a great chance of achieving my goals? How exciting! Happy dance! - Will I lose hair? I know many people do….understandably there’s lots of discussion about it. Take biotin, but be prepared for hair growth to increase everywhere on the body Also, Biotin helps with regrowth, not preventing loss. Eat lots of protein. Well hell, this is a motivator for sure! I know with the fresh sleeve it will be difficult to eat. But I will make damn sure what I do eat will be protein! Meh, if it falls out , it will grow back. I would embrace the added body all the little short hair would give to my maine. Snick – I hope to remember to be so flippant if/when my hair is laying in clumps in the shower drain - Will I have loose skin? Hmmm…probably. I aim to strength train to help with this, and I hope I’m being realistic to think it won’t be major for me, but no doubt there will be some. And I hope I’m cool with it. I tell myself that right now I don’t look good dressed OR naked, so at least losing 120# I would look good dressed. But the truth is I just want to FEEL good and I need to lose significant weight to feel good. So I will take the saggy skin in whatever degree it comes. I don’t aspire to work for Victoria Secret. And who knows….maybe, just maybe, if I am able to become super athletic, over the years the saggy skin will tighten itself up a bit. Because of my raging muscles lol - I can’t wait to be an Active Person and lead an Active Lifestyle! So I know all the things I want to do: weight training, spinning and/or cycling, long distance hiking, surfing, stand up paddle boarding, zumba, other dancing, pilates, yoga, maybe jogging??, rock climbing, horseback riding, tennis, racquet ball….I just wonder which one will be my favorite? I sooooo look forward to finding out! - And the elephant in the room of course is – will I have complications? I don’t want to get too much into this particular topic. Suffice to say I have read the stories on VST of the folks who have had complications while healing. This is part of the soul searching I talked about at the beginning of this post. I understand there are serious risks to this very drastic surgery. It makes me a little sad to think that I have gotten to the point where I know that my quality of life and my hopes for the future are worth the risks of this surgery. But I truly believe this is the case. I will be a model patient, and I have faith in my surgeon & his team,........and the rest is in God’s hands. If I have complications, I pray He sees fit to bring me through it so I can stick around and do good things for the world.
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

6
 

surgery was 12 days ago

Well it’s been a while hasn’t it?! I believe an insanely long blog entry is in order!! I want to first say that due to you, my dear VST people, nothing that has happened has been a surprise, and that has been really, really nice   I had my sleeve surgery on Wed., May 22nd. My “call time” was 1 pm, and my surgery was scheduled for 2:45. I believe I was #3 on my surgeon’s docket for the day. My parents, my husband and I arrived and were all ushered into pre-op, where I was asked to go behind a curtain and put on a hospital gown. I was so interested in the conversation my parents and husband were having that I rushed, and when I popped out from behind the curtain, the nurse said “No honey, you’ve got it on backward”. Lol. I was wearing it like a robe. So I had to switch it. Then I climbed into bed and my family sat in front of me in chairs – felt like I had an audience. The nurse was extremely nice – she got me all covered up and warm under the blankets and this special inflatable thing that blew warm air on me. I also got the leg-squeezy things and some fab socks with nonskid rubber on the bottom.   Another nurse came by and started an IV – I asked what was in it and she said it was basically Gatorade without sugar. I’m guessing there was no color or flavor either. Then I heard some commotion and found out that my surgeon was running ahead of schedule so they’d be taking me early (!) The anesthesiologist came over. This was the first time I’d met him, and let me tell you, he was so adorable I would have gone anywhere with him! But alas, he only wanted to take me to the OR…. lol. Before we left, he put something in my IV that made me goofy – I remember looking at my family and saying “ooh that was fast” and then someone putting the shower cap type thing on my head & I had to help because I have long hair. I remember being wheeled into the OR, and once in there they had me scooch onto a different table. I think. That could well have been after – it’s one of those weird disconnected memories. Anyways, I do know that my surgeon was there and they started introducing all the support team “this is John, and you know Dr. Z, and here’s Vern “ and I was chuckling to myself like you guys really think I care at this point who’s who? I think they were chuckling too – I just remember that there was happy banter and/or joking as they went about prepping me, and it was a good feeling all around to have happy people around me.   Next thing I knew someone was calling my name, and I surfaced VERY reluctantly from a deep sleep. Once I let them know I was awake they left me alone, and I could drift in and out all I wanted. At times I had pain in my upper belly and felt a little nauseous. What’s interesting is that it is such a distant memory now it hardly seemed like anything as far as the pain goes. I was aware of another patient in the recovery room – a large man who was moaning a lot. In my drugged out mind, this made me feel the need to do some moaning of my own just so I wouldn’t be forgotten. LOL. No logic there, just instinct. Someone was apparently standing behind me monitoring my machines, because pretty soon they said it was time to go and my bed started moving. We went in the elevator and pretty soon I saw my family come into view as I was wheeled past them to my room. I felt very concerned with making sure they knew I was just fine, so I was saying hi and trying to smile. But boy I was still pretty high!   Once in my room, I began to experience some more pain. I must say it is nearly impossible to assign a number to pain. I think I’m a people pleaser, and I was like “oh it’s not so bad, a 4? Maybe?” But it was a bit worse than that. My mom said she could tell I was in pain because she could see my blood pressure going up. The nurse gave me morphine in my IV, and within a few minutes I felt no pain, but I did feel the nausea. I salivated a lot, but I breathed through it without heaving, thank goodness. In retrospect, the pain must have been gas and the nausea was from the morphine.   I drifted in and out for a few hours, then in the evening I got the nurse to disconnect me from everything but the IV, so I could walk and go to the restroom. From that time on, I honestly had no real pain. I used gas x strips every 3 hours, burped a little, didn’t toot at all I felt the tiniest bit of the gas in my neck, but even that came and went quickly. They never had to put the oxygen thing back in my nose because my oxygen levels stayed good (yay for me for quitting smoking!!!)   My hospital stay was uneventful. The tray they brought the next day was silly – I asked if there was any protein in any of it, and when I was told no, I thought why waste the time & tummy space? I ate some to prove no problems, and then was released to go so I could start working on protein My surgeon came by and said everything went really well. I have one incision in my belly button and two more "punctures" high up on my left side. These are smaller than a grain of rice and I'm sure will be undetectable once healed. I'm still completely amazed at this surgeon's skill -- to think that 85% of my stomach was removed and no one will ever be able to see a scar -- blows my mind. He said I was good to go if I wanted. Once unhooked from the IV, I admit I didn’t feel nearly as perky as I had when I was hooked up to it. But they let me walk out on my own and I did not have to do the wheel chair ride.   The next 2-3 days were all about sleeping. I tried my darndest to get fluid & protein in, but I felt pretty nauseas. Had the super-saliva production thing going on a couple of times where I thought I would start heaving, but I never did, thank goodness. My sweet husband would run to bring me a paper towel to spit the saliva into (I mean I was producing tremendous amounts of saliva when I got nauseas! sorry if TMI) and then he would rub my back and say sweet things to me while I took deep breaths and let it pass. Nausea sucks. But! By day 3 it was ALL gone. Ever since then all I can say is that the vague soreness in my tummy has gotten MUCH better every day, and the tiredness is slowly getting better. Day 4 after surgery I went on a very short trip to Target and was amazed to stop and think about the surgery I’d just had and that I was out walking around. After about 10 minutes though, I was headed to the lawn furniture department for a lil break   I have a desk job, and I took just short of 2 weeks off work – I honestly can’t imagine taking more than that with how normal I feel. Yes, I am pretty damn tired right now, but c’mon, I was tired all the time before surgery! It’s just going to get better and better.   Today is the last day of ‘full liquids’. Tomorrow I get pureed! Hooraaaaay! Been daydreaming about cottage cheese lol. The liquid diet has begun to go literally right through me. Yes I get hungry but nothing like presurgery. Once I drink a few sips off a protein drink, I am satisfied. However, within half an hour, it is coming out tha other end if you know what I mean. TMI I know, but I’m here to tell it like it is So I’m hoping that pureed foods will be just what I need to set things right in that department. I had my first poo maybe 3 or 4 days post op and it was normal, if a bit small. I was very happy not to have the severe constipation some folks have immediately post op. I know it could still happen, but at least I’ll be a little further out from surgery.   Last I checked, I had lost 20 lbs since the start of pre-op, and about 10 lbs since surgery (about a lb per day). HOWEVER – and here’s something really fun --- my husband accidentally kicked my scale into the wall in the dark and it shattered into a million pieces. I had left it out in the middle of the floor – my bad So... I haven’t weighed in days! I’ve ordered a new fancy scale on Amazon, and I think it will be kinda neat to just wait until it arrives. I know I’m losing weight. But for some reason, my immediate focus is not the weight loss, it’s just about doing what I should be doing.   I really feel like I made the right decision for me, and honestly, it has been a good experience so far. looking forward to feeling better and better and better!   ONWARD!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

6
 

Does my liver look smaller?

And so begins the FIRST day of my 2 week Liver Shrinking Diet. It involves 2 protein shakes per day, 1 “lean & green” meal (for me it will be my dinners) and 2 “protein snacks” which can be a protein bar or 2 eggs or cottage cheese or poke, etc. Sugarfree jello is unlimited. Yay. LOL.   Not gonna lie, last night, being the last night of old food habits, I had a cheeseburger, ......and there was a late evening trip to Baskin Robbins. HOWEVER, I have actually been pretty in control with this looming on the horizon. My husband (fit & athletic all his life, god bless him) said “Gosh I guess if it was me I’d totally pig out so that I wouldn’t WANT junk food for a while” While I understand that he is alluding to a form of aversion therapy, that clearly is not the answer in the case of a food addict – otherwise I wouldn’t be so overweight. Yes I have totally pigged out at times in my life and guesswhat? It has never made me not want to eat again. But he meant well, and I’d venture to guess that the fact that I didn’t take him up on his offer to let me binge til I puked may have impressed him a bit   SO. ….To be honest, it’s early yet, but I’m not panicking about the aspects of this 2 weeks diet. I’m actually quite stoked to be starting the process! From past experience, I know that the Carb Crazies may set in round day 3 or 4. And that is also when my nose will become acutely attuned to smelling ANY bread or crackers within a mile radius. But, I shall overcome! And, a wise vet on VST has said - - when in doubt, drink water. I’m going to be very well hydrated. Also practicing the no water til 30 min after I eat. I had to spit some water out a little while ago because I took a sip without thinking. Glad I'm in my office where no one can see me   Really what hit me between the eyes this morning was that today signifies that in 2 weeks, I will be at the medical center being prepped for surgery. That is kinda unbelievable. That is exciting! That is coming up SO fast!!!   I’m ready! Or rather, I will be by then!   ONWARD!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

6
 

3 weeks post op check in

Today marks 3 weeks since surgery, and things are going quite well. I started my pre-op liver shrinking diet on 5/8/13, so I consider that my “start”. Since then I have lost 27.8 lbs, although my period started today so I’m probably good for another pound or two soon. I’m in the “soft foods” stage right now. I do feel restriction now! I also do feel hunger, although it is a reasonable hunger (not like the hunger I felt before all my life – THAT was unreasonable crazy and all-consuming hunger!). …..And once I have a few bites of good protein, my reasonable hunger is satisfied I love that. I am eating things like cottage cheese, good quality lunch meat (chewed well), baked fish, ricotta, PB2, eggs, and protein shakes of course. For an obese girl I am a pretty healthy person –I love and have missed my fruits and veggies. So I bought a nutria-bullet! For those who haven’t seen the infomercial, it is a small blender type thing that is extremely powerful and will pulverize anything you put in it. So this week I have begun incorporating ‘green drinks’ into my daily routine. It has made a WORLD of difference in my energy level! You load it up with half dark green leafies, some avocado, and half fruit (covers the taste of the green leafies!) and add healthy nuts or dried goji berries (these get pulverized so it’s not bad for the sleeve!). The resulting smoothie is much better than jamba and no doubt much more healthy. I also add my protein powder and voila! I get my protein drink plus my fruits & veggies! I now feel much better that I am getting a good balanced diet. I do 3 meals a day of a good protein, then 2 snacks in between of the green protein drinks, and I feel awesome. Sometimes for a late night snack I will mix up a tablespoon of PB2. Yum. My nails are growing like crazy! I guess it’s the protein? I certainly don’t feel malnourished, even though my calories are still pretty low. I’m not losing all that crazy-fast, but it’s ok. I am losing. And I had wondered pre-surgery whether I would be a fast loser or a slow loser, and I have to say – both have good things about them. If I am indeed a slow loser, I believe my skin will be in better shape in the long run. I hope. I also have high hopes that my hair will not fall out if I am a slower loser. I also think that my colleagues and other people who don't know I had surgery will be less likely to try to get all in my business if I lose slowly, because it will be a more gradual change. The obvious benefit to being a fast loser is that you get to have the weight off faster!!! Since it;s summer time, that is really appealing. But I takes what I gets! I have to say that all the months and months prior to surgery, time seemed to go by so quickly, and now time actually seems to go really slowly….because I know it’s just a matter of time until I lose a significant amount of weight. I am being a bit impatient in that way. Oh! I must share this too – yesterday I decided to have one of those Morningstar farm breakfast sausages for lunch -- I'd been thinking about those for the whole time I was on liquids! I ate too quickly, and/or didn’t chew well enough, because OMG I had a really bad experience! It honestly felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, and I got really nauseas – although I never threw up. It. Really. Really. Sucked. Lesson learned. I guess we all go through that at least once, ya? I think next on my agenda will be starting some more rigorous activity or even what could be called exercising So far I have just been hiking up the hill behind my house and back everyday. My dog loves it, because I am able to let her off leash. It’s maybe a mile round trip but it is an incline. The first few times I did it after surgery I was really going at a snail’s pace. But now I’m able to go at a pretty good clip. So it’s time to go farther I believe!   Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

4
 

2 months out, down 45

It’s Wednesday, my check-in day! The scale starting moving again – I’m now down 35 lbs since surgery & 45 since starting the pre-op diet.   I am so grateful. I feel like my body has taken so well to this. I haven’t really had difficulty with anything I’ve eaten, but I’m only really eating good clean food. The only problem I had was early on when I first started real food I ate a Morningstar farms sausage patty too fast without chewing well and omg that hurt. Lesson learned. But as far as tolerating foods, I chose wisely and chew well. I can even do ice berg lettuce! I’m quite proud of myself. I always kind of knew that this was my one last time to embark on the proverbial “lifestyle change” I’ve always sought, and this time I was going to have the very best tool I could possibly have. And that’s exactly what it is. I have the desire to stay on a healthy eating plan, and with the sleeve I’m able to do it without feeling like I’m a wild-eyed-raving starving maniac. I could totally eat ice cream and French fries now I bet, but I really don’t want to. Still haven’t had bread, or rice, or pasta. It’s been 10 weeks! Someday I will have it again I’m sure, but I want to maybe be at the halfway to goal point before I indulge in some serious carbs like that. And it will be a small indulgence. Small tummy dats why.   Right now I am at a point where I have exactly 100 lbs to lose. And I really feel like I’m going to do it! It’s just a matter of how long will it take?   Up til now, I’ve wanted to do a blog entry each week, but honestly, I’m at a point where things are a bit repetitious, and the progress is nothing earth-shattering in just a week. So I think I’m going to start just blogging on a monthly basis. I’m SO looking forward to seeing where I am in a month!!   Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

2
 

finally posting pictures

Just....feeling a bit blue in regards to my progress, and the stall I've been in. So I created a "before and after" and yes, it does make me feel better to see a side by side comparison! I've been stalled for a while. I've lost 110 lbs since May 2013 and want to lose roughly 25-30 lbs more. But AT LEAST I want to lose another 15 so I can be at a"healthy" weight. I feel so very much better now than I did before surgery! Went from size 24+ to size 10-12. Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

1
 

4 months post – op & 65 lbs down

Today is exactly 16 weeks since surgery & I’ve lost 55 lbs since then. That plus the 10 lbs I lost pre-op mean I am down a total so far of 65 lbs! 65.4 to be exact, but who’s counting lol.   I am excited! I am about 7 lbs away from being half way to goal. I am doing a lot of closet shopping, and now I realize if I don’t try on things frequently, I am in danger of several items becoming too big before I even get a chance to wear them! My sweet & generous husband thinks I should buy new stuff whenever I feel like it, even if I know I will only wear it a short time, & he says there are worse problems to have and that I should treat myself for having earned it. While I certainly agree with him in theory I cannot bring myself to go out and buy brand new things when I am not close to goal yet. I’m cruising ebay a lot. I have maxi dresses that I can wear quite a bit longer without them getting too obviously big, and a Donna Karan wrap dress that will just need to be wrapped tighter and tighter, but my pants and jeans…oh boy when you can take off your jeans without unbuttoning or unzipping them, you know they’re getting too big! So I need to get a smaller pair of jeans….and that’s where ebay comes in. I’m bidding on my favorite kind of Levi’s in the next smaller size and if I can get them for less than $20 I consider that a success.   I’m so grateful for the sleeve. I’ve really had no problems with it, except for a bout with stomach acid a few weeks ago. I’m managing it with OTC meds and hoping eventually I won’t have to take it much. If I do have to take it every day forever, then so be it. It’s a very small price to pay, in contrast to the laundry list of health problems that I was headed for with obesity.   My relationship with food has turned a compete 360. It is a bit of a mind trip though, because having loved food so much for all my 41 years, I still get excited about it. And then I eat it and after 4 bites I’m like “ugh, that’s enough”. So in some ways I feel like I live with a ghost – the memory of how satisfying stuffing myself used to be. And yet, now after a couple of bites I don’t want – can’t have – any more. (please note this is when following the "protein first" rule) It’s a very strange thing to wrap my head around -- this new ambiguous feeling about food, but it is actually a good thing. It’s what I wanted. I’ve always envied people whose lives weren’t driven by the urge to eat – food was always my obsession. When to eat, what to eat, when to eat next, what to eat if no one was there to see. Now I don’t have that uncontrollable urge, and it is lovely. I hope it lasts forever. I easily & happily stick to pretty paleo type eating, and have recently added one day a week where I have some good starch like whole grain bread. I think that revved my metabolism a bit, although I think it dampens my energy some on those days. I just don’t eat many carbs in the way of starches any more, and I absolutely do not miss them! I think I’ve had some dark chocolate maybe twice and my reaction was “meh” ....so why have it again? I have to say I am detoxed from refined sugar and thank God for it. I was a slave to sugar before. That evil is behind me and I do not ever ever want to let that monster out of its cage again. Because I fear sugar could sabotage me in the future, I am going to be very cautious about ever reintroducing it.   My husband, who really wasn’t entirely on board with me having the surgery, has recently talked quite a bit about how happy he is with how things are turning out Go figure. LOL. We bought a 42 lb thing of cat litter at Costco last week, and as he said “ooof!” while hefting it into the shopping cart, I said “Yeah, well I’ve lost 1 ½ the weight of that” and it Absolutely. Blew. His. mind. Now, that was more than a week ago, and he’s remarked on it several times since – contemplating the weight I used to carry like that really had an impact on him. I said, “now you understand why I never had energy, right? Aren’t you glad the 65 lbs is gone? And, think about me losing another 65 lbs! You’ll have to put a tether on me or I might just float away!!” LOL Really, my energy has gotten so much better and I’m less than half way there….it is hard to imagine how good I’m going to feel when I get to goal! (please do note that I say ‘when’ not ‘if’)   I’m stoked. I had a great week, and a great month. I track the patterns in my weight loss – regardless of intake or working out, every third week it flat lines. I accept it. The big picture is important; meeting mini goals are important. Meeting goals that are not related to numbers on a scale are important too. I’m all over this! Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

1
 

moving forward -- speeding up

Everything's coming together and building momentum!! Did my psych evaluation, which was actually quite nice -- I liked the counselor a lot. The RN coordinator had warned me that it would take at least a week or more for the surgeon''s office to get the psych report back, and she was really pleased and surprised when she got it back less than 24 hours later approving me! I guess I really AM a good candidate for surgery! Now I can go get my ekg, chest xray, and h pylori test. I have to travel to Oahu for surgery, so my next NUT and exercise appointments are over the phone. Then they'll submit to insurance for surgery approval. I specifically asked -- with all the diligence in getting the insurance requirements done, is there any reasonable possibility that insurance would say no at that point? And the RN said "nope!" Yay! So today I got my tentative surgery date of May 22. This....is my mom's birthday. I know she'll be ok with that - - she is VERY in favor of me having the surgery, and she's not the type to need special attention on her birthday (we can celebrate early I'm sure!) I just feel like I should ask and make sure she's ok with that. Surgery is always on a Wed., and the required pre-op class is always on a Thursday before surgery...so I'll have to make one more day trip to Oahu. That's getting a little tricky with work, but my boss has been supportive and I will do what it takes to make it happen! omg so excited!!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

6
 

12 weeks since surgery, moving right along

Haven’t blogged in a month, so this will be long. Today marks 12 weeks since surgery and 14 weeks since the beginning of the pre-op. I’ve lost 43 lbs since surgery and 53 lbs in total. I’m damn happy with that!   How funny….at the end of that last sentence, I made a typo, and instead of an exclamation point, I typed a question mark. If that’s not my subconscious peeking through, I don’t know what is! No really, I’m happy. No way would I be at this point if I hadn’t had the surgery. I am impatient. I am dismayed that the weight loss is slowing a bit. But, I do find hope in knowing that if I apply myself, the losses will continue and time will pass and every little bit adds up to a lot. So much of weight loss is a mental game. This is the true test. To make sure that I stay the course, not just because eating healthfully is actually good for me, but because I cannot – will not – comfort myself with the wrong kinds of food. I will lose weight at exactly the rate that I am supposed to.   Now, I take this time to analyze what I am responsible for. I believe that I am eating the proper way and that I am getting a balanced diet. I am tracking my food, another plus for me. I will be downloading my sparkpeople logs and submitting them to my NUT so that she can review and give feedback. I am taking my vitamins. I am definitely reaching my protein goals. I do not feel that I am under eating nor do I feel that I am overeating.   What could I be doing better? I probably am not getting my fluids in. I am not tracking that, and how would I know for sure if I don’t track it? I am hiking 6 evenings a week, up the hills behind my house, for at least 30 minutes & sometimes longer. That is waaaaaay more than I used to do, so while I applaud myself for that, it is time to step it up again. And I have not been doing the strength training I should be doing.   I do sometimes have the fear that I will be someone for whom this surgery only gets me half way to goal. Or that the weight loss will stop altogether. I remind myself frequently that there are still things that I am responsible for, and I have no choice but to take responsibility. I have this sleeve as a tool, I have been lucky that my body has taken so well to this surgery, and I also have a tremendous source of support in the resources my surgeon’s team provides. I can contact my NUT and exercise specialist any time I want. For the rest of my life I have these tools.   What has changed for me since surgery that seems to be a Forever change for me now? Well, like I said, I am much more active. I am much more mobile and my balance is better. I love that because I can see evidence of things to come! As far as intake, I am still following a pretty pure, unprocessed, paleo type diet. I have had bread on about 2 occasions, in the form of ½ of those whole wheat skinny buns. Other than that, no bread, no rice, no pasta. No sugar! I am having fruit once a day and more vegetables than I was eating at the beginning of my diet progression.   The sleeve has certainly relaxed, so I am being careful to do the protein first thing. That definitely does the trick for filling me up, and it gives me peace of mind that I have the ability (for the rest of my life!) to be in control of my appetite. I got the sleeve because there have been times in my life that I felt insanely hungry. Now I know that I just need to eat some good dense protein and I will not feel that way! No doubt if I ate slider foods (and I could now if I wanted) I could eat and eat and feel that out of control hunger and keep eating. So I love that I have that control measure. I ALWAYS eat the protein first. And often I find that one last bite, the one bite that would be the One Bite Too Many, I discretely spit into my napkin. I will not push myself and make myself sick. I’ve gotten over the whole clean-my-plate thing. I’ve had alcohol on a couple of occasions and have been fascinated to discover that I have become a one-drink-nurse-it-all-night kind of gal. I was never like that before. I always felt driven to be gluttonous with food and drink in my previous life, and I no longer feel that way. I am so happy about that!   This is an amazing journey indeed. I am so very grateful to have been given this opportunity. Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

0
 

the week 3 stall is no myth. ~sigh~

Yeah, I know I need to step away from the scale, because it is happening. The scale has not budged in 3 days. Coincidentally, it's my TOM so there's another strike against me. I'm not TOTALLY freaking out, because hell, it's only been a few days. It's just funny that I truly can NOT eat very much at all, and for that to not be being reflected on the scale seems odd to me. But I know pretty much everyone goes through it. And it will end eventually. onward.
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

2
 

I've been approved...@!$# is gettin real

Wow....I had prepared for it to take the full 15 business days for insurance to reply....but it only took 4. I'm approved! May 22nd at 1 pm. Excited, scared, curious, nervous, relieved, anxious....seems crazy to have some of these feelings all at the same time! But ..... here we gooooooo.   I have SO much to do at work to get ready to be gone. I never take more than a day or two off at a time, except when I got married, and unfortunately even that I kinda planned around my work schedule (don't tell anyone, that's kinda my own little secret). I'm planning on being out 5/21 through 31... the 27th is a holiday, so it's really only 8 work days. I do payroll for a kind of large outfit and being out through the 31st means when I come back on June 3rd I have to hit the ground running full speed to process payroll that day. Hope to God all goes well and I am able to come back when I plan to! I honestly don't know what would happen if I wasn't here. I guess the responsible thing to do is to make sure my boss remembers how to do it, so that he can do it if necessary. Then there are other pressing matters that I need to wrap up before I take the time off, and some things I need to find someone to do while I'm out...I honestly don't know who is going to do some of these things...panicking a little about it.   One thing is for sure: nothing makes time go by more quickly than having deadlines to meet!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

4
 

8 months & 100 lbs gone

A couple of nights ago I awoke at 2 am to go to the bathroom. On a whim, after I was done I stepped on the bathroom scale…to find that I have lost 100 lbs since the start of my pre-op diet; and 90 lbs since surgery on May 22, 2013. I had a hard time going back to sleep I was so excited! I want to lose (I think) about 39 to 44 more. I will be a healthy BMI for my height when I lose 20 more, so I will reevaluate then.   I cannot describe the mindf*** having reached this goal is! I knew it would be though….I had faith I’d get here, and yet I am still shocked that I got here. I’ve worked hard, but because of so many failed attempts in my past, the fact that my hard work is actually paying off this time is mind blowing. I am thrilled beyond belief and am filled with wonderment! I need to post before and after pics maybe -- just to help me wrap my head around this.   I can’t believe I’ve lost 100 lbs. I can’t believe I weighed 100 more lbs than I do now just 8 months ago. I still feel like me, so how can this be? I do feel SO much better. I feel totally different and very much the same – all at this same time! It is so bizarre. I feel so different in all good ways, and very much the same, also in all the good ways. All the clothes that were once too small for me are now too big. The size 12’s I got so that I could shrink into them, now all of a sudden are too big, and I think “How can this be? What is this strange phenomenon? “ LOL The holidays were an interesting learning experience for me. I got to “onederland” the morning of Thanksgiving, which was Nov 28. Between that day and Dec 30, a month later, I had lost only 4 lbs. Don’t get me wrong, I do see the value in losing 4 lbs, especially during the holidays, when in years past that was a major gain time. But it was a significant slow down from recent months. Over the holidays, I had alcohol, I had sweets, I had bread – no never in large quantities, but I loosened the reigns compared to how I have been eating. I also during this time did not always follow the “protein first “ rule, and I sometimes sipped a beverage with my food. I did all of this mindfully, fully aware of what I was doing, I went slow so as not to over do it, but I was definitely “celebrating” -- I was doing so to enjoy the family holiday meals and such. I knew the consequences would be slow weight loss and/or maintaining. But it was MY decision and I was in complete control. Ah, it was so liberating. I believe I have seen a glimpse of what maintenance might be like when I reach goal.   I feel strong, ….and I feel taller I was doing some Pilates on the living room floor the other night and my husband came in. He admired me for a minute and then said “My wife has nice long legs” and I just giggled and said “They’re getting longer all the time!”   Nowadays when I take the dog out for a hike, I sometimes jog for half of it. ME. I freekin jog. Unheard of! And really, aside from just being more active in general, I have not started any kind of hard-core grueling exercise routine. I don’t go to the gym, I don’t watch a clock that says I have done cardio for x minutes. I happily take my dog out & frolic a bit until my heart rate goes up, and sometimes, just because my body feels good and strong and happy, I do some Pilates-type moves on the living room floor. I suppose I may need to incorporate more formal or stringent exercise into my life as some kind of routine as I try to get closer to goal. It’s certainly not a BAD idea. But my point is, I haven’t had to break my neck to get to this point. I’ve just naturally started wanting to do more and more. And that, my friends, is what I believe is a true life style change. Hooray!   So yes, I am happy. And yes, I have faith that I will achieve my goals. What do I look forward to most? Getting to goal and being there long enough that THAT is my reality, not a novelty. I want people to just know my at my healthy weight in my healthy life style, and not think of me as the girl who lost all that weight. I am so ready to have this be the rest of my life.   Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

2
 

gimme a hoop -- I will jump through it

I'm trying hard to get this ball rolling already! Met with my surgeon -- he is awesome. Met with the nutritionist and the coordinator. This involved traveling by plane and renting a car since they are all on a different island (Oahu).So I'm getting financially invested along with the emotional investment I've already made. Trying to figure out how to get my surgery date set for hopefully May. Any later will conflict with things at work and family traveling. If it's not May, it could end up being in the fall. And I am so ready to go NOW! The party line of my insurance co is that I must do 6 months of medically supervised diets, but my coordinator says those 6 months can be piece-mealed from previous attempts at weight loss from previous doctors. So we've carved off 2 months already just from me getting my referral from my endocrinologist and now getting signed on with their office. Now I'm trying to remember when it was that I tried Meridia, and medifast. That should be good for several months! Went to my old dr's office this afternoon to try to get all those records. It will take 5-7 days. argh. but onward! Also called my insurance to talk to the pre-auth nurse (I think that is her title) and it *sounds* like the 6 months is not a hard and fast rule. She said that they want to make sure I am fit for surgery and that I will be successful. I'm hopeful, but the cynic in me says they want me to get frustrated and give up. HOWEVER, no one want this for me more than me, and I will show them how once i set my mind to something I will get it done, be it getting approved for surgery or being successful after! Because I KNOW I will be successful with the sleeve. I can *feel* it!   So....bring on the hoops! I will jump through all of 'em! hahahahahaha   Happy Valentines Day! xoxoxoxoxoxo
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

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Surgery was one year ago today

Woo HOO!!   Today marks one year since surgery!! Wowser! I am down 106 lbs since the beginning of the 2 week pre-op diet, and 96 lbs since surgery itself. I am 100000% glad that I did it. No regrets whatsoever!   I still would like to at least lose another 15 lbs to put me at a “healthy weight” for my height. I’d really looove to reach an ultimate goal weight of minus another 34 lbs…..but I dunno if I can, or if I could, would I be too thin. I have been stalled for a couple of months now, but I will admit I have not done anything yet to shake things up and stop the stall. I think there was this combination of factors – late December, I got a depo shot (to cover me between taking an old iud out and putting a new one in), and I really think that triggered some serious appetite increase with the hormones. But I will NOT blame it all on external forces; I take responsibility for my actions. At that point I was a good 7 or 8 months out from surgery, so my stomach had become completely healed. Being completely healed meant I was reaching for a wider variety of food. I’m not saying I was pigging out, just that I had begun more going to the crackers & bread whereas prior to that, I did not. And is is SO true that those types of carbs just increase the desire for more. Protein First is the only way to really work this sleeve tool.   THEN, Life happened – as it has its way of doing. Not going to go into details, but it involved a family member, and it involved cancer. There such a short time between diagnosis and amputation, during which I ate whatever the hell I wanted. Granted, it was a noticeably different kind of pigging out than what I used to do back in the day. It wasn’t even really bingeing, but I certainly wasn’t even trying to eat mindfully. I did notice that not only did eating poorly not make me feel better, I physically felt like crap because of the sugar & carbs. You live you learn, you pay the price. So I gained 8 lbs.   Surgery 6 days ago went well, and my loved one is doing well, and we think this will be it and the cancer is gone. This past weekend I woke up to what I had been doing with my eating, and I’ve been doing Boot Camp diet (Protein First, veggie juicing, protein shakes, no bread/rice/pasta/ carbs, lots n lots of water), and I am happy to report 4 lbs are gone already. And I am ready to make a run for those last 15 lbs…or more, if can.   I’ve wondered what I would tell pre-surgery me if I had the chance to talk to her. Obviously I’d say – "do it!! It will be worth it!!" I’d also say "Good for you for doing this, it is scary, but you are brave. And it is what you want and need." …... I’ve never shared this with anyone: I have a very clear memory of the morning of surgery thinking “stomach, I hate you, you have caused me so much sorrow, and now I am going to have you mostly surgically removed. Thanks for nothing.” I liken it to the cancer that my loved one recently had amputated. The feeling was “get rid of it!” But my stomach surgery was voluntary, it was not emergency. I’m sad to say my feelings toward my stomach the morning of surgery, the stomach which I felt had betrayed me all my life by constantly torturing me with insatiable hunger, those were feelings of hate. Not the most positive thing in the world, eh? But it’s what I felt. I got over that, although I am still glad that the majority of that buggah is gone. I love my new tiny tummy. It suits me just fine. I just think it's kind of sad that I had to hate a part of my own body so much that I was willing to surgically remove the majority of it. I just need to remember to use this tool I have given myself, and to practice gratefulness, and to remember where I came from a year ago.   So! Today being my 1 year surgiversary, is a little bittersweet. I am SO incredibly happy to have lost 100+ lbs. I am a bit sad that I went backwards recently. But I’ve just got to dust myself off and go forward again!   And, because I am SUCH a Look-On-The-Bright-Side kind of gal, my contemplations have led me to believe that in a way, this little stall has actually been a good thing. I say this because I lost 100+ lbs with never really a stall. I had the week 3 thing we like to call a stall, but it was like for a single day – when you’ve lost so much every day after surgery and then you go a day or two without losing, you can get melodramatic. But my week after week trend has ALWAYS been down. I think I’ve been lucky. So my time finally came for a stall.   Also, having lost so much in less than a year, I was getting a lot of unwanted attention. I’ve kept my surgery to myself outside of a couple of close family members and my boss & 1 office mate. Other people at work started going all ga-ga on me when I finally started buying new clothes and they realized how much smaller I’ve gotten. I have been quite uncomfortable with all the attention. So I think slowing down a bit for a while will allow these people time to get over the novelty and get me out of the hot seat as far as answering questions.   Similarly, I think having this stall is a good way for my mind to (maybe? Hopefully?) catch up with my new body. Being body dysmorphic from losing a lot of weight quickly is very real, and a very weird thing to go through. I don’t even know how to describe it, except for that the general feeling is that I am still big. The specific feelings are like looking in a funhouse mirror or something at times. Or not being able to believe that I weighed 100 lbs more at one time. Pick up 100 lb weight. It’s heavy! Carrying that around 24/7 was hard. I am glad the weight is gone! So anyways, I am thinking that perhaps I need to be at this weight for a while to re-learn how I feel about my body. It’s been a few months, and I think the consensus between me, myself, and I is that I would like to lose at least another 15 lbs. So that is exactly what I’m going to do!   Onward!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

0
 

maybe May...happy dance!

So...my insurance requires 6 months medically supervised blah blah blah.   And I've been gathering all my medical records from the various doctors I've seen over the past couple of years and getting them sent to the coordinator at my surgeon's office. She just called to say she's found enough info to count for 4 of those 6 months! And I have one other doctor I saw who, when I get that chart, will push that up to 5 of the 6 ....and I have an appt with my NUT in March so that will make 6! Yay!   Once I get rolling in that part of the program I'll find out what all I have to do as far as preop, like chest xray, ekg, etc., those kine things. Oh and I'll need to do the psych thing. So all that jazz takes approximately 2 months and that brings me to May, ta DA! That's exactly when I was hoping for, and it seems to be working out! woo HOO   I love the team at my surgeons office theyaresoincrediblyCOOL! :tongue2:
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

2
 

7 weeks down, a kajillion to go

Seven weeks since surgery. I only lost a pound and a half since last week. Yeah, I’ll admit it: I’m kinda bummed. Obviously I’ve gotten spoiled to 4 & 5 lb losses each week. Spoiled rotten! I’m doing all the same things….so I guess it’s time to do some different things, huh? Tonight I’m going to a Pilates class. I loved Pilates back in the day. I may hate it tonight, but I'm sure I will love it again eventually I work in an accounting office, so I live my life in Excel. I have a spreadsheet tracking and projecting my weight loss. Really nerdy, eh? It’s my own special way of obsessing My average loss is -1.59% per week. That’s my AVERAGE, slightly inflated because the first and second weeks were big losses. But there’s this pattern that every 3rd week (well it’s an apparent pattern…it’s only been 7 weeks so far) my weight loss is miniscule. Perhaps this is tied to my TOM, which is roughly every 24 days (yes, this does suck). ANYways….could also just be the good old fashioned roller coaster that is major weight loss. It’s funny too, because in my past life, when this kind of thing would happen, I would throw in the towel and eat whatever I wanted, then feel like crap and not be active. Not gonna do that this time. Just gonna ride this old roller coaster. I’m frustrated because I wanted to be sooooo different immediately after surgery, as far as my weight, size, and energy. In some ways, I was different right away. The snoring stopped pretty quickly. Husband is significantly less grouchy for that I’m in clothes I haven’t worn in a while. I’m taking the dog out hiking 6 evenings a week. I no longer feel completely hopeless. But I want MORE energy. I want MORE weight loss. I want to feel stronger, faster. I want to get to the point where I can no longer go closet shopping and need to go real shopping. That’s why the Excel spreadsheet is fun….I have formulas set up to where I can see on any particular day in the future where I might be if I continue on this average weight loss. Other columns are set up to show if my weight loss rate increases or decreases….. We are planning a trip to the east coast (this is a huge trip for us from our home in Hawaii), and there is a possibility that if I could be in onederland by that trip. OMG. That would be awesome. However, living “in the now” as reality forces me to do, I am still stuck feeling obese and drained right now. Things are changing, but I wish they’d change faster. It’s funny how I got myself mentally prepared for surgery as if it were an end in itself in some ways. Reading the boards, I suspect a lot of folks are that way. But after surgery, life goes on. Surgery was drastic, but the weight loss can be gradual. I know it’s all perception, and that in a couple of months when I’ve lost more and my life is incrementally that much different, I will feel better about it. Perhaps I’m just melancholy this week in general. I am reminding myself that all things considered, I am in a much better place than I was at the beginning of May, right before surgery. And it stands to reason that in as many weeks in the future, I will feel that much better. I’ve just got to keep working. I will do this. Onward
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

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the adventure begins....

It's surgery day- i've got about 4 hours to go. My goodness time went fast! I am so incredibly ready. I don't really feel nervous at this point, just ready. My strong steady husband was pretty emotional last night. I love him so much and am so grateful for him! Today is all smiles and positive thinking. My dad has been even more quiet than usual so i think he is worried. I try to reassure him. My mom is excited for me and proud of me. I have great support. Don't really know what else to say at this point. It is difficult to type on this tablet anyway. i can say i am hungry - clear liquid only yesterday & NOTHING today. Not even water but, all for good reason, right?!? I really am curious how this will all unfold, and i have to admit that i actually do see this as a big adventure. So, let the adventure begin!
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

2
 

an excellent quote

Just read this on tumblr by someone called runsleepygirl:   "Even when the scale doesn’t change, the image in the mirror looks the same, when you feel like all of your efforts are for nothing, they’re not. Slowly, your body changes day by day. Your goals creep up on you until one day you look at an old progress picture and realize your words have become actions, your hopes have become reality and it was all worth it."   i love that
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

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check, check, and check

Moving right along! Went and got my EKG, chest X-ray, and h.pylori tests done yesterday. The offices were right across the hall from each other, so Efficient Me got in and out in 45 minutes (don't tell my work! I took the whole afternoon off!) All 3 tests were uneventful. The chest xray involved stripping from the waist up and wearing a stylish paper gown. The guy tech was a cutie! One pic while I faced a white board, and one pic while I faced the side with my arms up. The EKG -- remove shirt only, kept bra on. Before hand, the female tech asked "are you wearing a regular bra?" and I said yes, so she said ok to leave it on. But I can't help but wonder what is a not regular bra inasmuch as what kind of bra would I be wearing if it wasn't ok to leave it on? LOL. But I digress......she had me lie on a table (too short! My toes were on a cart at the end of the table!) and then she stuck stickers all over my front. Then she attached these wires with clampy-things to each of the stickers. Then she asked me to lay still and breathe deeply for like a minute, maybe two. Then she unhooked the wires, peeled of the stickers, and I was good to go. Then I went and got my blood drawn for h. pylori and my thyroid panel. Yes! Moving right along! Also am beginning to figure out accommodations and car while we are on Oahu for the week around surgery. And lining up sending my dog to "camp" for that week   My RN emailed me to ask if I've gone to any of the local support group meetings.....I have to say that I've decided NOT to go. Several reasons. I live on an island, and it is a very small-town atmosphere. I have chosen not to shout from the rooftops about my surgery. I have a friend/ coworker who had WLS several years ago, and she is excellent support for me. Additionally, she went to the support group meeting -- once --- and someone there, who clearly didn't value privacy the way my friend does, went and told a bunch of my friend's in-laws who she had chosen not to tell. Then she was bombarded with phone calls. Not cool. VST has been and will be, I believe, just the right amount of support for me with a greater collection of people experienced with the sleeve than what I could find here in an in-person meeting. Diversity rocks, ya? And... I know myself well enough to know that if I get into an in-person support group environment, I could easily try to help everyone but myself. Denial is easier with distractions! Yes, I think VST is just the right amount of support giving and receiving..... at least for now. I would never say never, but this is how it seems best to me for now....
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

1
 

Pre-Op; First Blog Entry & It's Super Long

I’ve made my decision. I just got my referral, and I’m signed up for my first seminar with the surgeon in 2 weeks. I’ve been addicted to VST for about a month, and I am a sponge absorbing everyone’s pre and post op stories. God bless the people of VST   I’ve had a weight problem all my life it seems, whether real or perceived. I’m tall, and I was always the biggest kid in the class in elementary school. I wasn’t an overweight child really. My older sister had a more petite frame, and I think in some ways just the fact that she was smaller made me identify with being a Big Girl before I ever really was. But when adolescence hit, I did indeed become overweight. I’ve always been hungry. My mom talks about how even as an infant still in the hospital, the nurses would have to bring me in for feeding well ahead of my scheduled feeding time – mom would get a call from the nurse’s station and could hear me shrieking in the back ground. We have discussed recently how interesting it was to have two daughters being raised the same way who had fundamentally different feelings about food.   I have a very clear memory of saying to myself at age 15 “If I don’t get control of my weight right now, I never will”. And I never really did, imagine that! I went up and down the next 25+ years! I actually look back at pictures of when I was 15, and think damn I was cute – I don’t look anywhere as big as I felt. I was 5’10” by 8th grade, and I felt that I was huge compared to my classmates. By the time I graduated high school though, I weighed 200 lbs. Still, looking back and comparing to where I am now, I wasn’t so bad off. Through college I went up and down between 170 and maybe 220. I was a SERIOUS yo-yo dieter. By age 24, out in the professional world and having a failed romantic life, I got tired of being 235 lbs and joined Weight Watchers. And man, I was good at it! I got down to 160. But ya know, I was motivated by a failed romance, a situation in which I felt “if only I wasn’t overweight, I would be desirable”. With age comes wisdom, and I now know that the guy was just a total loser ANYways, I attended WW under the guise of adhering to their program, but in reality I just severely restricted my calories for almost a year. I lost weight, but I wasn’t exercising, so no doubt I harmed my metabolism BIG TIME. I was so successful that WW asked me to work for them as a group leader. I wish I hadn’t. It actually is a really good program; it teaches balanced eating habits and a healthy lifestyle in a very livable way. It works for SO many people long term. It just didn’t stick with me long term. The weight came back, and a bunch more. Same old story that so many of us had lived.   Then I discovered diet pills! Hoorah! I was able to go from about 250 to 185, and I lost a bit of my sanity as well – because it is essentially speed. Very bad scene for me. And again, no exercise, just severe caloric restriction. So when I stopped, back came the weight. And the beginnings of other health problems. In my early thirties, I moved to Hawaii. Hit 279. Yikes! Desperate, I went back to diet pills.   I got down to 206 and met the man who would become my husband. As we got to know each other, I learned that he actually prefers women who are not stick figure skinny. He told me early on that I was his “dream girl” in mind, spirit, and body. How lucky am I?!? He seems attracted to me no matter what. He loves how I am now, loved how I was then, and has expressed appreciation for photos of me when I was 100 lbs smaller. He loves me no matter what! So I dropped the pills (he never knew about), and the weight crept up. Even as I’ve gained weight, he’s still chased me around like that little cartoon skunk on Looney Tunes, and (lucky me!) he tells me how gorgeous and sexy I am every chance he gets even all these years later. He’s fine with the fact that I will never be ‘petite’. He is, however, extremely athletic, and as the years have gone by and my weight has crept back up he misses me going on hikes and paddle boarding with him. He still thinks I’m sexy-as-hell, but he loses an awful lot of sleep because of my snoring. We both wish I had more energy and confidence. I love him dearly, and I love that he loves my voluptuousness, but he also loves me enough to want me to feel good. I tried medi-fast. That one was really was bad for me – maybe I lost about 20 lbs, but then I would go crazy with hunger and undo all the good I’d done. Three years after we met, I got to 282. OMG, it sucked. Tired, sick, sleepy – no way to live a good life. Apnea while awake and just watching TV! I contemplated WLS. I shared this with DH, and he encouraged me to research it and committed his support with whatever I chose. What an angel.   Well at that time several years ago – RNY and the band were pretty much it, and I didn’t like either choice. I won’t go into my concerns with those 2 procedures here, but I decided if that’s what WLS was, it wasn’t for me. DH has said many MANY times since then how GLAD he was that I didn’t opt for surgery….   So I joined <national prepackaged meals diet program>. I lost 40 lbs within a few months. It’s another great program that works for a lot of people. A family member of mine in fact has lost 70 lbs and kept it off! But…..it didn’t stick for me. I’m still going all these years later, but in the last year I’ve gained back 20 of the 40 lbs I had lost. Never even got down anywhere close to goal. I’m just SO been-there-done-that. I get too freaking hungry. I cheat the program. I feel like a huge failure. I comfort those feelings with food. More eating leads to even more hunger because of blood sugar swings, and more feelings of failure. I set myself up for failure with the old “Last Supper Syndrome”, you know the one – where you tell yourself you’ll get back on track tomorrow, so you may as well absolutely make the most of it tonight…and then tomorrow never comes.   So here I am today: 260, feeling a fool, kinda half-arsed doing <national prepackaged meals diet program>, exhausted, sore and tired of it all. A month ago, I saw a new doctor (because surely this can all be fixed with the right medication, right?) and he – unsolicited- advocated WLS. I was like “No, I don’t want surgery. My husband wouldn’t want me to have surgery.” So the doctor ordered a battery of tests – you know, all the blood work, fasting and then with the sugar drink. Man that day was hard – afterward I was cold and shakey and had to take a 3 hour snap. Apparently I don’t handle a super-dose of carbs very well!   What this doctor had brought up interested me. Over the next month, I again researched WLS. This time, I discovered the sleeve. I devoured every bit of info I could find on it. And….everything that was a turn-off for me about the other WLS options was resolved when it comes to the sleeve. I learned about grehlin, the hunger hormone in the lining of the stomach, and realized that’s what has driven me since birth to be so hungry! The thing is, once you become overweight and then obese, the problems just snowball and your body chemistry gets farther away from normal. I do take responsibility for it having gotten out of control. But I feel validated knowing I had this challenge from the beginning whereas people like my sister, and DH, didn’t. I have discussed all this with DH and we have agreed that he just doesn’t understand what it’s like to have a weight problem.   …So when I brought up WLS with DH this time, his immediate reaction was “I’m against it.” At that point I had already fully gotten on board with the idea myself, and was so excited and so hopeful for a healthy life, that when DH shut me down like that, I felt almost as though he had signed my death sentence. I know I’m being dramatic, but I also know many of you reading this will understand where I’m coming from. So I went and researched some more. I found VST – awesome! I’m so grateful for VST! More educated, I approached DH again, and was again shut down. He 1) doesn’t believe my weight is that big of a problem and 2) believes if I just eat less and move more I can overcome this. He seems to think It’s a moral and strength-of-character issue. You all know that line of thinking. But, I’m convinced that if he had been along for the ride with me all of the past 30 some-odd years that I've struggled with this, he would understand better.   We enjoy a spectacularly healthy relationship and approach life as a team – this is one thing though, that we don’t come at from the same place. So the problem here is twofold – not only is it something we don’t see eye to eye on, but it is so rare that we don’t see eye to eye, that to not to is additionally disturbing! We do have a relationship of equality too – reading the last paragraph one might not think that. Truth is, I can do what I want, but what I ultimately want is for us to be on the same page with it. I need his support.   After Thanksgiving at my parents’ house, we came home and DH said out of the blue “See, if you had WLS, you’d never enjoy Thanksgiving again.” And thus opened a long and detailed discussion about WLS and the sleeve in particular—what it is, what it does, how one lives a sleeved life. And by the end of our conversation, you know what? He said he’ll support me. Woo HOO!   So I’ve been to the doctor again for the results of the tests, and I’m prediabetic. If I stay this weight and just get older, I will become diabetic. If I gain weight any time soon, I will become diabetic sooner. My BMI is like 38.5. I’m worried because my insurance says approval is for BMI of >40 or 35+ with comorbidities. The rest of my bloodwork is fine. The doctor is sending me for a sleep test for apnea and feels that will suffice for comorbidity. Pretty sure I have it, but what if I don’t? He's also putting me on (can’t remember the name) the medicine that Type II and prediabetics take to help regulate blood sugar, and it does often cause *some* weight loss.   DH asked last night (with a tone that was, to me, antagonistic) “What if, while you’re out for surgery, the doctor decides to also perform liposuction?” And I was like WTF are you talking about? that’s as absurd as him giving me a nose job during WLS! Well, I guess I was a little too vehement in my reply, because he got offended. And adheres to the belief that these two surgeries are absolutely along the same lines. He reiterated that he doesn’t want me to have WLS (although he will support me).   I can tell by his relating liposuction to WLS that he *still* REALLY doesn’t understand what this surgery is about. Seriously! He’s a really intelligent guy, my DH. Extremely intelligent, actually. But I thought this was pretty ridiculous. Part of me thinks he really needs to be made aware of how vastly different these two surgeries are, not only on a surgical level, but also in motivation, intent and result. Not to mention -- my surgeon wouldn’t do anything I hadn’t signed off on, even if he was trained in cosmetic surgery and had a lipo wand on hand in case the spirit moved him. (Yes, sarcasm)   So, is it necessary to try to educate DH more on this? To make sure he knows this is not a cosmetic/vanity surgery (like when his ex a decade ago got breast implants)? Or would it be advantageous to just let him think it is more along the lines of a boob job or lipo, so that he doesn’t grow overly concerned about the seriousness of WLS and go back to saying he absolutely won’t support it? No, I think it better to be straight forward as we have always been with each other. I so whole-heartedly believe that this is the right thing for me, and that I am an excellent candidate.   Thanks to all those sharing their stories. Hope I can pay it forward someday. My blog entries should be of more reasonable length in the future
Momonanomo

Momonanomo

3
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