RedFiona's Journal

Only a few days left!!

Well here I am on Wednesday and my surgery is sched for monday. I am scared out of my mind and eating anything i can get my hands on. General panic. Ed is out of town right now, that might be a good thing because of how he has been acting around me. Will deal with it day by day.

RedFiona

August 16, 2007

Day by Day

I am going into this surgery feeling that whatever eds feeling are , are agrivation over getting something done that i am just going to fail at. yet another thing in my life that i will fall on my face and he will have to be there to pick up the pieces or to throw up his hands and say that is "enough i have had it and i am correct in saying so because of all the situations that i have obviously gone thru with her. I am correct and justified in my decision and anyone would come up with the same solution." there is no caring no encuragement no helpfullness, just aggrivation that his day has to be interupted by someone or something else other than what he wants to do. if we are driving somewhere and the person in front of us is going to slow, it is not because he is driving to fast, it is because the person infront of us is an idiot. how dare they interupt his plan or goal or direction of travel. he has love and kindness and understanding for everyone else in the world but me. yes he loves me yes he cares about me, "he told me that on the day we were married, why the hell would he have to show it or tell me that any more. I told you once already, and i dont need to be bothered with showing or telling you that unless i deem it necessary or proper in the current situation." Maybe ed was given to me to teach me to tuffen up. to stop having so.... no goddamnit no. why do i have to be the one that is wrong, why do i have to be the one that is to clingy or needy. why am i the one that always makes the wrong decisions. I have supported every goddamn decision he has ever had that has put us further and further into debit. if there is money available than that is what must be done with it. there is no reason to save up for anything. i want it and i am going to buy it. and since no one has a good enough reason, and no you cant doesnt count, i am going to get what i want with no respect to anyone around us. And if all our money is not taken care of properly than we have to get raging mad because i am so stupid i cant even handle money. I dont know what i can handle any more. i am such an emotional person and have such outward emotions and he is so hard uncaring swift to anger and judgemental. he has no patence for me so i am wrong and there is no time in his life or schedual for someone who is wrong, so he gets mad. And that is what i am left with. I just love him. I see all the good things in him but all i get is the short temper the lack of patence and the feeling from him that all i do is never good enough. how can i get over dealing with his emotions when he means so much to me. he can hurt me so much and act like he doesnt have the time or want to care about my reaction, if it does not fit into his schedual. I am sitting here typing and soon he is going to say something to me in an exasperated tone about me getting up and doing the things that i need to do before i have this goddamn unnecesary surgery that he is against and has no patence for because it does not fit into his ideals of how to handle the situation. all you need to do is eat better and excersize. I am not a mean or vendictive person, that is not who i am or who i want to be, but the eating right and excersizing thing has worked real fucking good for you hasnt it. you have not even been on the treadmill or that goddamn weight machine in god knows how long. But dont do as i do, do as i tell you to do, that is all that matters. And if you have any questions about what i just said than re read it again. now get out of my way because i have no more patience for you and you are an idiot for speaking to me and taking up all my time with this stupid nonsence that i have no interest in since it is not on my agenda. you are taking up my time that i do not wish to waist on you by listening to your nonsencical bull shit. If i feel like it is worth my time or effort i will be plesant to you and interested in what you are doing, so untill you see those emotions there is no reason for you to be speaking to me or bothering me because i will only be irritated and bothered and i have no time for you or that in my day. if such time should arrize that i feel that what you have to offer is interesting you shall be acnollaged with kindess and interest. If i do not wish to be bothered by you and what you are offering ends up to be of interest or value to me it is to be treated as a fluke, a situation that does not repeat itself, an off beat chance and nothing more. You will be informed when i feel it is necessary to inform you that you are loved or needed or valued or thanked for whatever reason or situation that i deem neccessary to do so. Untill then you are of no interest to me and you should not bother me with your trivial shit. And do not take politeness as interest because my politeness only lasts a few seconds with you and if you cannot convey what ever useless bullshit you wish to convey in a very brief amount of time, then you will be instructed that what ever the hell you are doing is boring or unimportant or worse waisting my time and you should stop and leave before i get angry. and further, if there are any accomplishments that i have done they should be recognized with joy and praise. any firther emotions i do not wish my time waisted on. any deviation from said stated is not allowed.

RedFiona

August 19, 2007

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