Can a girl have everything?

How I Got Here...

Well, this is my first entry. My plan is to treat this sort of like a diary. Perhaps at the end, I will have a book that will be published and enable me to quit my day job, but I digress. Now about my day job.... My life revolves around work and being successful. I am a tax attorney. No child grows up and says they want to be a tax lawyer. It's terrible. I chose it because I was good at it and no one else was. Tax law found me. Don't get me wrong, my work is constantly changing based on the political climate. It's challenging work, and I have grown to love it. I was always a compliant child. A perfectionist. I was the child who never left her mother's side. I was the child who would sit still and on an adult's lap as a 2 year old in a restaurant. I later learned that this compliance was actual social anxiety. I was born with a hearing imparement that was not discovered until I was 7 years old. I knew that I had to pay close attention to everything being said to me in order to properly follow instructions. I wanted to be perfect. In fact, I would quit something if I wasn't the best at it straight away. This is why I, regretfully, never played sports, and I was too short and chubby to be a ballerina. So, I found myself at the piano and in the library. I do not regret or dismiss my musical training or academic successes. Nevertheless, I believe they may have furthered my social anxiety and sedentary life style. This goal of perfection followed me to high school. I was popular and smart. I was the president of my class, but I felt as though every one hated me. The thing is, as I look back on it now, I was popular for the right reasons. I was nice to every one, and I was always willing to work hard for the success of the class or the group. I wanted to be popular for the "wrong" reasons. So, I didn't see my own wonderful friendships or the fact that people liked me. I wanted to be pretty and sexy and alluring. At a size 16, I certainly wasn't. Always a flair for the dramatic, and wanting to further my musical education, I left and went to a Math, Science, and Arts school at 16 years old. It was the first time I was away from my sheltered life, and I was determined to start a new one. I decided that the first step in creating a new life for myself involved losing weight. I went from a size 16 to a size 6 in one semester. No one figured out how I did it. They thought it was just "small changes." I was dieting and exercising. In reality, I stopped eating, completely. I refused to set foot in the cafeteria. I would have juice or grapes every now and again, but I wouldn't eat. The hunger pains were a small price to pay for beauty. When I went home on the weekends, I ate normally, so my family wouldn't notice. With my new body came confidence and sex appeal. I felt as though I could take on the world! Eventually, I began eating again. Some of the weight came back, but I was able to stay between a size 6 and a size 14 throughout college and then law school. I could never eat what my friends ate. They always thought I was starving myself. They didn't know what starving was. I dated emotional abusers, and sex is the great equalizer. I used sex appeal for power and to get ahead. Toward the end of law school, I wasn't as pretty anymore. I was a 12-14, and my current boyfriend looked at me and told me that he wasn't happy with the way my body had changed. I later found out that he was cheating on me and using me to finance his fun. I felt powerless, and I decided to focus on myself. I got a trainer and a dietician. I dropped weight again, and vowed not to date for a while. It was time to focus on me and my life. When I began working, I met and fell in love with my now-husband. We were comfortable. Life was easy, but we worked so hard. Our lives revolved around our careers. We came home and couldn't bear to cook. So, we ate out. I began to eat more and more on my plate until I finished it each time. The more I ate, the more I gained until 2009 when I realized that I was over 200 lbs. I was engaged and could NOT be a 200 lb bride. I started working out and eating right, again. However, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I felt like my world had shattered beneath me. I ate to console myself. My mother subsequently recovered, but my waistline did not. Fast forward 3 years, 3 jobs, a beautiful wedding, and a beautiful home later, I was 270 lbs, and could not walk without becoming out of breath. My husband was over 300 lbs. We wanted a baby, but I was not about to have my child live in this body. Something had to be done, first. My whole body hurt - all of the time. We went to a bariatric seminar just to see what it was about. I originally wanted the lap band, but after working with a dietician for a year and researching, I decided on the sleeve. I was only able to lost 20lbs during the pre-op diet and doctor monitored plan. My actions as a 16 year old girl had come back to haunt me. I could no longer lose weight, easily. My metabolism was broken. I needed more help than a trainer or dietician could provide. On August 10, 2012, I had a Gastric Sleeve surgery. I lost 12 lbs in the first week. I feel empowered again. Everything else is in place. My career is great, my marriage is great, and I have wonderful friends and family. However, I still fear what will happen after the weight is gone? Will it be the final piece of the puzzle that will make my life complete, or will I just find something else to make me unhappy? Is it possible for me to really have everything and truly be happy? Is that even fair? This is a journey to find what I need and want in life. This is a journey to find true happiness. This is a journey to find myself.

bethL

August 17, 2012

Back To Work Tomorrow And A Small Stall

So, I am officially 12 days out. Tomorrow, on the 13th day, I have to go back to the office. Now, I don't necessarily mind what I do, but the idea of going back is scary. Will I be able to maintain my diet? Will I have any bathroom issues? I also usually work about 5 minutes from my home. However, I have to go to another office for a client meeting tomorrow morning. My office is great. The people are wonderful. This other office is horrid. It's everything that I hate about my job in 4 walls. It's also about an hour from my house. So, in addition to getting up and getting fully dressed for the first time in 13 days, I also have to drive quite the distance. I'm so upset about it. The client wouldn't budge on the meeting date. I don't understand why everyone thinks that their tax situation is so complex as to warrant a face to face meeting. Giving me your tax documents to my face does not make things any easier for both of us. In fact, it costs the client more money because they have to pay for my time in the meeting. I do this for a living, trust me, your W-2 is not complicated. In addition to this, I have to have a meeting with the managing partner about my list of clients that I need to call and "remind" to pay our bill. Now, that will be as much fun as a barrel of monkeys. This is a task usually set for people who are one step higher than I am and who make much more money than I do. Maybe I should be happy that I have the responsibility. However, this is a business, and they see dollar signs. They have found some one who can do the same tasks for less money. So, how wonderful is it that they have chosen little 'ol me to have the responsibility and work without the title and pay...OK, I need to get off of my soapbox. So, on my list for tomorrow are loose clothes, a huge water bottle, a protein shake (I'm unlikely to be able to drink more than one), and my laptop. God help me, it's going to be a long week. To make matters worse, I seem to be stalling a bit with the weight loss. I was losing 2lbs per day during the first week like clockwork. Now, the scale hasn't budged in three days. It's so depressing. It's also a lot like every other "diet" I've tried. I'm still not consuming much more than 200 calories per day. I've tried increasing protein and increasing food, but it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I should try increasing my water intake. I feel bipolar, now. My emotions are all over the place. Just a few days ago, I thought I could have it all. Now, I don't know if I want it all. I just want to lay in my bed and watch movies for another week!

bethL

August 19, 2012

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