Well, after all this hoop jumping, I'm finally scheduled for May 2nd surgery. It's all tentative pending the insurance approval, of course. I should be jumping for joy, right?
Unfortunately, no.
My support system through this whole process has been my parents. I've been counting on my mom to help take care of me the first few days home. Well, Friday when we were at the surgeons office, the fight of the century started...
The doctor answered our questions then advised that one of his assistants would be back in shortly with my surgery date. As soon as he left the room, my mom tells me that if it's the last week of the month, we have to ask them to push it back because she has work-related things to do at the end of every month. She works for the housing authority and end of the month is their check run, so it can NOT be postponed. I told her that I didn't want to push it back, and that I didn't want to start an argument about it when we didn't even know the date they would give me yet. She persisted, telling me that I just can't do it if it's the last week of the month. Again, I told her to stop, wait to see what day they actually give me.
So, to my relief, they come in and say that the end of April is pretty booked, so they gave me May 2nd. I was kinda hoping to have it sooner, but it works out in the long run, so whatever.
Well, today Mom calls me after work. She says that she's been thinking about my surgery date and that if it ends up getting postponed because of insurance reasons, that I need them to schedule it for mid-May because the 2nd week of May she has 2 training sessions for work that she has to travel for. I told her again that I have no interest in postponing this because of her work schedule, and this is where that ticking time bomb EXPLODED.
My mom went into this whole speech about how I'm completely selfish. That putting it off a few weeks wasn't going to kill me. I tried reminding her again that she's arguing about something that we don't even know is going to happen (i.e. my surgery date being pushed back). I also told her that I really resented her putting it back on me that I'M the selfish one, when she's asking me to postpone this surgery over and over because of things SHE has to do. I've been jumping through every imaginable hoop to get this surgery scheduled since July of last year and she can't seem to understand that I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I don't care what I might miss at my OWN JOB while I'm out for surgery, much less do I care what she might miss at work. I just don't. And if that makes me selfish, then I'm totally okay with being selfish. After all, this surgery IS FOR ME. Not her. Not anyone else. FOR ME.
I even told her that I didn't mind that she had work related stuff to do. If she really had to go, then she should go. Dad can come with me. "Do you really think he wants to do that by himself?" she asked. "You expect me to concentrate on my training while you're under the knife?" "What if something happens to you and I'm 3 hours away and can't leave because I'm there with coworkers and have no way back to town?" "I'm supposed to ignore the fact that you're having surgery? What if you die?"
She actually asked me that. "What if you die and I'm that far from home?" I said, well, gee, Ma, I'll try my best not to DIE, okay?
I offered that my dad could take me and/or pick me up from the hospital. She said, "Yeah, Saint Roger isn't going to say no to you..." as if I'm supposed to feel guilty because my dad would do anything for me? Unlike her???
Things got pretty heated in our conversation, and in fact she hung up on me twice throughout it. We're both pretty well versed at getting under each other's skin. Finally, I just told her "Thanks for giving me a month to figure out a Plan B, at least."
So then she calls me about a half hour later saying, "So are you going with a plan B even if your surgery date is still May 2nd?" And I told her that I guess I don't have a choice! She's going out of town 5 days after my surgery, so how the heck am I supposed to count on her to take care of me if she's out of town??? She's not considering my needs AT ALL and then turns around and calls ME the selfish one!!
I am literally sick to my stomach over the stress of this. I've been crying for hours since this argument took place and it's not even so much because of the argument (sadly, I'm used to it - the whole thing reminded me of high school years all over again) - it's because I DON'T HAVE A PLAN B. I don't have anyone else in my life that I can ask to take care of me. And the way my mom has been acting honestly makes me cringe at the idea of how she's gonna be when I am post-op and hurting. So if I rely on Dad to be Plan B, that means she's gonna be around (when she isn't tied up with work). Can I even rely on her to be helpful post-op? Or is she just going to be a thorn in my side?
At this point, I just don't even know what to do. I'm writing this more as a rant, not really expecting anyone to have advice for how to deal with some craziness like this... just had to vent it out.
I'm gonna go see if I can dig up some Xanax to help me sleep tonight. I'm wound pretty tight at the moment...
I hate Mondays.
I start my 2 week liquid pre-op diet on Thursday. I'm going to sort of ease myself into the liquid diet starting today. I had a strawberry body fortress shake instead of eggs and meatless sausage for breakfast. (I made mine with unsweetened almond milk and a splash of vanilla creamer - the creamer makes it SO MUCH BETTER), I'm having yogurt and maybe a cheese stick for lunch. And I have some Gardein Turk'y that I'll have for dinner with some asparagus. Then a shake if I'm hungry later.
Since I started my journey, I have been focused on what I had to do to get approved for surgery, not what I had to do to get prepared for surgery. Some of these things go hand in hand - like changing your eating habits, losing a bit of weight, increasing exercise - but I have definitely not focused much on the emotional journey I'm about to go on. I've been more focused on the physical journey and the financial one.
As a result, I had the tiniest of meltdowns at Walmart last night. I was doing "post op prep shopping" and it was like everything I picked up led me to unpleasant thoughts about what I'll be dealing with in just a matter of weeks. It started when I was at home and went online to make purchases from various sites for vitamins, supplements, protein powders, storage containers, etc. I mean, I spent nearly $200 right there simply because I'm definitely a sucker for "buy more, save more" specials. Even though I had a pretty long list going into the store, something about seeing these things pile up was just... overwhelming for about 22 seconds. I spend a good 45 minutes in the "Health" area - picking out gauze, tape, bandaids, ointment, lotions and a lot of other things like Milk of Magnesia, liquid Imodium, fiber gummies, Gas-X strips... just so much stuff. Just in case kinda stuff that I've seen over and over again in these forums that people need. And it's taking me a long time to get these things because I don't use any of these things now. I have a first aid kit that barely gets used... I don't currently get constipated, I don't get gassy, I don't get reflux, I don't get diarrhea... but I'm about to do something to myself, VOLUNTARILY, that will probably give me all of this and more, in combination with each other.
And yet, I read over and over that people suffer through this and don't regret a single thing because it got them to where they want to be.
So all of this went racing through my mind as I was in front of the fiber supplements (the last thing on my list for that section, the top shelf of the cart overflowing with all this stuff). No one was really around, so I sort of let myself go, for just a few seconds. I let out a deep breath and about 4 tears popped out of my eyes and I was done. I took another deep breath, wiped my tears, and picked out some fiber gummies.
Did I come this far to back out? No.
Do I want to stay where I'm at instead of having surgery? No.
So I'm ready to face the emotions. This pre-op fear? Well, I'm as prepared as I can be. There's actually a lot of comfort in that. Expect the best, fear the worst. That fear is making sure I'm darn prepared so I don't have to bother going out and getting what I need when I'm already in trouble!
Things are only going to get better... and better...
So, I'd say I'm PRE-pre-op. I'm terribly obese. I can't even tell you how obese because my doctor doesn't have a scale that goes that high. He hasn't had a scale that goes high enough... for a while. I'll be 32 in exactly 20 days and I've been fat my whole life. I've never been happy about that. I've never been proud of it. In fact, I've mostly tried to ignore it and hope everyone else does too. I've literally been the elephant in the room.
I considered surgery so many times in my life. But, I don't know, there was something nagging in the back of my mind saying that surgery was a bad idea. For whatever reason, I decided that I need to do something now. I've already "wasted" so much of my life being fat - because, sadly, I am a total hermit and don't go out, therefore have been single for WAY too long. I have zero confidence when it comes to men. Furthermore, I don't even like the idea of having someone touch me right now. I disgust myself. I know that might come off as totally self-loathing, but I really don't hate myself. I hate my situation. I want to change it. As someone who has tried to keep blinders on about it for years, I actually think it's the healthiest thing for me to look at myself through a strangers eyes. I'm no longer some chubby girl who's still kinda cute. I'm FAT. I don't want to be anymore!!
So, looking around at the various surgical options, I think I really want VSG. I talked to my PCP on a visit 2 weeks ago about surgery and he said we can get started so the insurance will approve it. He's referred people for it before, people with similar insurance as mine. At this last visit, I was also officially diagnosed with high blood pressure (160/90) and he put me on meds to bring it down. I go see him again Monday, and I have a whole bunch of questions written out for him. I've been seeing him for years and he respects me (I think) and he knows I have some medical knowledge (I'm a health insurance underwriter - YES, I'm probably that jerk you hate that declined you coverage) so I'm really hoping to get a better understanding of how the process works and what I can do to speed the process along. I got a referral to a Nutritionist from him on my last visit, I'm calling them tomorrow to schedule an appointment. (the referral came in the mail today - NO, I promise I haven't been procrastinating since 2 weeks ago!!)
I'M SO NERVOUS!!! I talked to my best friend about it last weekend and she wasn't as supportive as I thought she'd be. She's also overweight, but not nearly as much as I am. Despite the fact that we've shared with each other multiple times how unhappy we are with our weight, I really think she sees WLS negatively. She's the kind of friend who will support me anyway, but I just feel like deep down, she thinks I'm making a mistake - and that bums me out. Then again, I was one of those surgery nay-sayers 3 weeks ago, so I can also understand that A, the news was probably a shock and B. I could be projecting. She's got serious issues of her own to deal with, so maybe I'm putting too much value into the conversation!
I told my mom about it today. She was so happy for me! She's also overweight and said, "I've been wanting to do something like that too, but I'm too scared to take the plunge!! I'll let you go first - PAVE THE WAY!" I wish I had talked to my mom before I talked to my friend!!! (Isn't that how it always goes? lol) Anyway, Mom agreed to take good care of me post-op, so I got that part taken care of, albeit incredibly premature.
I realize I've barely dipped my toes in this whole process and I'm already so anxious to do this! I want my life to change. I want to go through what everyone describes here - the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows - I just want to turn my whole life around so I can go run down the street if I want to, or not have to worry about if there's a close parking spot or if that friend's house has a bunch of stairs.. OR ICE IN THE WINTER!! Ugh! I swear, FAT GIRL NITEMARE is falling on some ice and it's impossible to GET UP!! lol - gotta keep a sense of humor about these things, right?
Anyway, I really look forward to this journey. I hope I can stick to it, I hope I can get this done... wish me luck! Hope to find some cool people with a sense of humor to get through this process with on this site, and IRL.
What an emotional day.
Went to my surgeon appointment today. After waiting AN HOUR past my appointed time, I was taken to a room where I waited another 30m to see the surgeon. She was a bit curt, in my opinion, but my mom said "She was just being a doctor."
The good news is that I've lost 12lbs in the last month. Considering I have been sick and not been to the gym in two weeks and Thanksgiving came and went in the last month, I'm pretty excited to see some weight loss. It makes me wonder what my true starting weight was since I was unable to weigh myself for so long.
That's about the only good news I got today. :\ My blood pressure was up to 142/75, which isn't horrible, but is worse than it has been the last few times I've been to my PCP. IDK if I should chalk that up to nerves or what. I'll ask my PCP about it tomorrow.
The bad news: The surgeon says I'm too heavy to operate on. That my weight and the fat distribution being mostly in my gut makes me too much of a surgical risk. Now, I was kind of expecting to hear something like this... I expected to be told that I needed to lose some weight prior to surgery. But then she said she wouldn't even consider doing surgery until I lost 50 or more pounds. That once I lost 50, THEN she'd put me on the liquid pre-op diet for THREE TO FOUR WEEKS to lose even more weight before surgery. WTF??? So all told I'd lose like 75 or more lbs before I even hit the operating table. That just seems... IDK, excessive to me. Not impossible, but I do feel like it's asking a lot. :\ And not only the amount of weight I'd have to lose being a lot, but also the extended liquid diet just sounds like torture to me. Definitely not what I was hoping to hear.
Then I had to go meet with the dietitian, who went over my current diet with me and told me that I'm already on a good eating plan. She suggested more veggies, but told me that otherwise I was doing really well with my diet. And she explained more about post-op (things I already knew). She was much more helpful and compassionate than the surgeon though. She actually suggested I get a 2nd opinion from the other surgeon on staff, mentioning that other people have been told the same thing by the surgeon I saw, then they go see the other surgeon and get scheduled for surgery. That seems so unfair!!
I started crying when the surgeon was telling me that I had to lose this weight before she would consider doing surgery, and she said, "Crying won't help you. You should see what I go through in a day, I should be the one crying." What kind of bedside manner is that? Can you just pass a tissue and let a girl cry?? (the answer: no. But the dietitian was nice enough to ask me if I was okay and hand me a tissue)
So, I feel rather disappointed right now. I've been doing the diet/exercise thing and trying to prep for this since July, and I feel like I'm nowhere near getting this surgery. I don't know if it's worth the $60 copay, the hour long heavy traffic commute, the parking fees, the gas... to get the 2nd op or just keep going with my diet and schedule a new appointment when I lose 50lbs. This isn't gonna stop me from the diet/exercise plan I've been doing, but I just don't know what to do from here... stay with this dr who upset me? Get a 2nd op? Try to lose 200+ lbs on my own and forget surgery? This visit really has me wondering if this surgery is ever going to be a reality for me. If sustainable weight loss will ever be a reality for me...
I hate feeling defeated. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...
I'm in the final stretch. I'm ending Day 2 of the pre-op liquid diet. Tomorrow, I'll be 12 days away from surgery. I'm officially counting down!
I'm really not hungry on the diet. Well, tonight I was feeling it a little - but only a tiny bit, so I just had a shake and I was fine. I'm not saying it will continue to be easy, but so far it's been fine. I started working my way into the liquid diet last weekend by having shakes but also one yogurt a day as well. Since Sunday, I've lost 13lbs. I was on my period last weekend, so I know that's part of it (cuz I had gained about 3 lbs the week before when the period was starting-hope I don't offend with TMI).
Now I seem stuck in wondering how much weight I'll actually lose and how fast it will happen. I've never been thin, so I have no idea what any given weight would look like on me. I think to myself, "Will I still be plus size, but more like a size 18-20? Or will I actually be SKINNY and go for a size 10?" I also think to myself "You have a higher BMI, you'll lose faster!" and then I think "You don't wanna lose too fast because you'll look awful." Deep down, I seriously fear more than anything else that I'll look like a deflated elephant when this is all said and done. I strongly feel that I'll look terrible. I can feel myself self sabotaging with these thoughts, but I can't stop them.
I want to believe that this surgery has nothing to do with vanity, but if I'm honest with myself, it's almost ALL about vanity. Vanity, and the idea that if I don't do something about my weight - AND QUICK - I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. And again, I have to stop thinking like this. Losing weight isn't gonna find me a decent man. At best, it's gonna give me the confidence to date, but even then it's not guaranteed that I'll meet a man I want to marry.
Maybe the part of me that's causing the anxiety is the part that fears this surgery will change nothing. That even if I'm successful losing weight, nothing else will really change in my life. I like to think that suddenly I'll be so much more fun and outgoing and happy and friendly - because that's how I was when I was younger and thinner - but it's not realistic to think that my personality will revert to a time that long ago. I've had low self-esteem because of my weight for a long time. Will that change? Or will I still be miserable and self-loathing (i.e. calling myself a deflated elephant).
I probably need a shrink. I've had therapists before, never really connected with any of them. And this is just, idk, embarrassing for me to talk about. :\
Well, on that note, I'm off to sleep. xo
Tomorrow is my birthday.
I've been very sad lately, thinking about the life I've wasted. My best friend is in a hospital right now literally watching her mother die. She would give anything for one more good day, and here I sit, wasting my life. Hiding myself because I'm too embarrassed of my appearance to embrace this life I've been blessed with.
I remember on my 23rd birthday getting up and ready to go out to dinner with my parents. That day, I had no pants that I fit into. I had nothing to wear. I cried because I felt so hopelessly big. I couldn't even call someone to borrow something - no one I knew was as big as me.
And here I am, about to turn 32, and feeling the exact same way. Except that I probably weigh 100lbs more than I did back then. I felt hopeless back then, and now I'd love to be 100lbs lighter. I wish I was that size again. I am already worried about how my mind is going to handle being self-confident again (although, I don't think I ever truly was self-confident). A lifetime of misery isn't something easy to overcome. I'm pretty sure I'll be one of those people who can't see themselves how they really are, because I'm only JUST NOW, at age 32, weighing over 400 lbs, beginning to realize how big I am. I'm "Oh, I hope I don't break that chair" fat. THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED MY LIFE TO BE.My parents gave me this card for my birthday, explaining how proud they are of me, how they are amazed by everything I've accomplished and how strong I am. And I'm reading it, thinking to myself "What have I done for you to be proud of?" I'm their only child, and i'm this single, hermit-like woman who hasn't accomplished much but graduating high school and being employed. I guess they can be proud that I don't ever ask them for money. I don't feel like I'm worthy of their pride. Is losing weight gonna help me love myself? Not completely, but I really hope it helps. I don't like being so harsh on myself. I just don't know how to shut the negative thoughts off sometimes.
I'm just over it. I want to move on. I wish I could snap my fingers and have surgery tomorrow... but I'm just getting this train started. Who knows how long I have to wait...
I'm getting anxious with the process, which is resulting in some depression on my end, and due to other factors in my life (like my friend's mother's illness, for example). Times like this make me feel especially lonely. On the bright side, I have the day off work tomorrow. And I go to my first NUT visit. I hope it's a good day. I usually have a good day on my birthday, let's hope this one is the same. And let me be a little selfish and wish that my best friend's mother doesn't die on my birthday...
Sorry if this comes off as too depressing. I've just had a lot on my mind lately.
Patience has never been a virtue of mine.
I'm already feeling a bit overwhelmed by this process. I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm doing the wrong things and that I'm wasting a lot of good money on all this medical stuff and I'll just have to start back at square one when I (hopefully, finally) get to a bariatric surgeon. So many, many steps. I just hope it's not all in vain.
Guess I'm just feeling a little down lately. It's CRIMSON TIDE time, so I'm sure that has something to do with it.
Also, my nut called and said she needed to reschedule my appointment. Now, instead of going the day after my bday, I'm going ON my actual bday. That should be fantastic. :\ First nut visit where I discuss all my bad habits and resolve to change them on the same day that I usually go out for an extravagant dinner and have drinks and cake. Awesome. I guess this is as good a time to start as any... wouldn't be able to indulge like that after being sleeved anyway!
I'm too tired to do the perky, keep your head up thoughts afloat right now. Just gonna ride this out and see where it takes me. I'll try not to stay bummed out.
*le sigh*
I found out this morning that I was approved for a referral to see a surgeon for weight loss surgery. I was able to celebrate this "first submission approval" for approximately 30 minutes.
I called the MD, made an appointment, and then the woman who scheduled my appointment called me back to advise that the surgeon does not do VSG surgery, he only does RNY and lap band.
So, I called my MD office and talked to the girl who does the referral submissions, and said, "Hey, the surgeon doesn't do the surgery I want to have done. What now?" She had no idea. She said a message had been left for the nurse (why? IDK!) to call me back to discuss it. She asked me what surgery I wanted to have done, and asked me to repeat it THREE TIMES before telling me she had never heard of it and they only do referrals for rny and the lap band.
After that unsuccessful call, I called my medical group (I have H.M.O.) and they said that my MD would have to submit a determination of benefits to see if this surgery would even be covered. Now, I know for a fact that BCBS covers VSG - their medical policy is available online AND I used to work for blue cross doing these exact approvals, the only difference being that I worked for PPO, not H.M.O. Absolutely NO ONE I'VE TALKED TO HAS EVEN HEARD OF VSG. They act like RNY and the lap band are the only options for weight loss surgery! Besides VSG, there's also the duodenal switch - I've worked in insurance for years and know about all these options. Why is it that no one else seems to have heard of anything else?!
The medical group also advised that once they verify that the surgery is covered, they would have to request out of network benefits to see a surgeon out of network that performs this surgery. What an absolute nightmare this is turning out to be.
I tried calling back to talk to the woman who does the referrals at my MD office and she won't take my call. It doesn't look like the nurse is planning to call me back either, since the office closes in about 6 minutes.
I've honestly been bawling about this for over an hour, I have a headache now. I feel completely devastated and lost.
The only option I can come up with at this point is to change my medical plan at work to PPO in January. I really don't WANT to have a ppo plan, tho. I'm so completely depressed.
This is NOT how I wanted my weekend to start.
I guess I'll go lay down and cry some more now. :*(
I really, really, really, really, really don't want rny. Is my alternative to just get that surgery instead?? Or a lap band (which I've always been totally against!)?
Defeated. Crushed. Inconsolable. Lost.
That's me.
So, I have my first NUT visit on Tuesday. Tuesday will also by me 32nd birthday. Should be an interesting day...
I've been food diary'ing per the instructions from the scheduler when I made my appointment. She said do it for a few days, I went ahead and started doing it last Tuesday so I could show her a whole week.
What I've learned (well, what I kinda knew) is that I eat a lot of crap. Things that just aren't good. I always thought doing a food journal was a dumb idea. but really it makes you face what terrible things you put in your body. I realized that I obviously LOVE EGGS (from my head down to my legs ) because I had them like every other day this week. I also curbed a lot of my snacking just because I didn't want to write it down and have it stare me in the face. All those cliche things that I've heard through the years about the benefits of food journaling... I would have never thought they could actually be true!!
I also asked my friend if she would take me to her gym. She has a membership that allows her to bring one guest a day. Now, I've never been in a gym (aside from school). I barely own gym clothes. I have never been one to work out. Correction, in 2001 (i think) I was nutso for Tae-Bo. My roommate at the time had a 5 year old daughter and we'd work the heck outta some Tae-Bo together! My friend was more than happy to accommodate taking me to her gym, but we still have to discuss a day/time to do it. I'm pretty anxious about it. She's overweight too, and the gym she goes to is Planet Fitness and she tells me that it's fine, it's "NO JUDGMENT" and that I don't have anything to worry about. Somehow, I don't take comfort... I just want to get it over with so I can get a few visits under my belt and feel comfortable enough to get a membership of my own. I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know if I'll be able to turn on the treadmill. HOW EMBARRASSING.
Each step in this journey is breaking me down. Despite the sadness I seem to be having right now, there's also a hopefullness tucked in there. I'm starting to think this is me, mourning the passing of my old habits, my current life, and seeing that the difficulty I'm about to face is not the end, but the beginning of a new life. There's even a part of me that wonders if maybe I could actually be successful without surgery (and would that be better for my post-weight loss body? or am I fooling myself into thinking I could lose 200 lbs without WLS as a tool?).
I keep repeating that this has taken over my mind since I decided to go down the WLS path. It's still true... I'm hoping that as I tick off these requirements and get closer to having surgery, I'll be able to resolve, or have better perspective on, all the emotions that I'm running through right now. I swear, the reason I'm scared of the psych eval is because I fear that I'm losing my GD mind.
A MONTH AGO, THIS WASN'T EVEN A SEED IN MY MIND. And now here I am, unable to think about anything else, anxious for change, and for the first time in my life, hopeful for a future - and somehow sad through all of it.
If anyone can relate or offer any thoughts on this subject, I'd love to hear it.
Post-op life has been incredible so far. Even when I was in the hospital right after surgery, I was so positive. I was so thankful to the nurses, doctors and hospital staff - and I told them so endlessly - that many of them told me that I was the sweetest patient they'd had in a long time. Why? Because I was so thankful to be alive, to be doing okay (in pain, but no complications), to have them helping me, to know that IT WAS DONE... I just couldn't help but want to thank each of them so much for being there to help me through the hardest part (first few days post op). It was wonderful. Through all the pain and discomfort, I was guided by the idea that this is exactly what I wanted. I was exactly where I wanted to be. It was only gonna get BETTER from there.
And it has. SO MUCH!!!!
So, last Thursday was my 12 weeks post op.
My stats:
High weight: 459
Surgery date: 417
Today: 370.
In 11 more lbs, I'll be at 100lbs down. And my high weight is from November 2012, so in LESS THAN A YEAR (cuz I know 11lbs will be coming off soon) I will have lost 100lbs.
This surgery is my miracle. And I am an agnostic cynic who doesn't really believe in miracles.
At my highest weight, it was impossible for me to have any sense of fashion or feeling cute in clothes. All my pants had to be ordered online and were usually somewhat ill-fitting. Almost all my clothes were bought from catalogs because plus size store tops were just too snug, even in the highest size. About 6 yrs ago was the last time I was able to buy pants at a store. Tops were okay, but jeans/pants were too small. Well, now just about everything I have is way too big. So, I started pulling clothes out of "the archives" a few weeks ago. I had held on to some of my nicer work clothes from Lane Bryant from about 5-6 yrs ago when I could still fit in them. Now, even those are all getting too big. The smallest size I remember being in my adult life is 26/28 and 12 weeks post op IT'S TOO BIG. I still find it so hard to believe!
Well, I went clothes shopping this weekend. I waltzed into the Lane Bryant outlet and grabbed a pair of 28 jeans thinking "I'm sure all my old clothes are stretched out/worn in. So we'll see just how much more I have to lose before these brand new ones will fit", guessing that I'd get them pulled up but would have trouble buttoning them.
Wrong. More like "Um, Miss, can you get me a 26?" A 26!!!!!
And yes, I realize this is still big. I have a long way to go still, but just the idea of buying something in a store - something smaller than I would have bought even 5 years ago - it blows my mind!!! I got a bunch of cute tops in size 22/24 - and by the end of summer THOSE will be too big because they are already just a tiny bit big in the shoulder area.
Anyway, aside from the clothes shopping (which I always LOVED back when I could actually shop in stores, so it kinda made me giddy to be able to do it again!) - I also have some NSVs.
I've started parking on the 3rd floor in the parking garage at work. I was on the 2nd and would take the stairs every day. There are 5 floors, so I want to work my way up. Not sure how long it will take, but I just want to be able to do it!
I can cross my legs at the knee. My thighs are still so huge (UGH), but small enough that I can cross my legs, and I was NEVER really able to do that comfortably in my LIFE.
I moved my seat up in my car about 2 inches. Never thought that would be something I'd have to do because I'm almost 6 ft tall, but without my gut (well, with LESS of a gut) I felt a mile away from the steering wheel!
I no longer fear any chair. Sometimes arms with chairs were just too tight and I couldn't sit in them. Now, I don't have that problem. Next challenge - sitting in a booth at a restaurant!
this last one may sound snarky - but I have an overweight friend who's been acting a lil jealous of me lately because my weight loss is getting noticeable. I'm REALLLY close (if not already there, really), to being smaller than her. I've ALWAYS been the biggest friend. Always. I know that may sound petty - but I am just so sick of being the fattest person in my family, at work, in the store, of my friends - I have always been the fattest person... and now - I'm not! however that comes across, there is something about that fact that makes me proud of what I've accomplished!
And last but not least - I met a guy. He's a really good one, too - so far. I haven't shared all my secrets with him or anything, it's still really new. But I do thoroughly enjoy him and want to see where this could go. It's got some potential! I haven't had the confidence to date in YEARS, and I go on this one blind date and am lucky enough to meet a really great guy. Another miracle? I dunno. Maybe I've been overdue for some miracles in my life! lol
Anyway, that's about all I got to share at this point. Hope everyone else is doing well out there, too! <3 <3
Well, it looks like there's a chance I could get referred to surgery sooner than I expected!!! I had been planning on having surgery at the beginning of next year, but I saw my doctor today and he said he was going to submit the referral this week and see what they say!
My insurance requires a 3 month supervised diet, but my MD doesn't have a scale that can weigh me, so he's gonna see if we can bypass that requirement and get me referred now. If not, I only have another 5 weeks until my 3 months would be up anyway, so it's not that far off if it gets rejected. He said I shouldn't have a problem at the 3 month point, but he'll see what he can do to speed it up. :D :D Oh em gee!
I still don't know exactly what happens next. I guess I'll find out, though. This is getting kinda exciting! Ever since I left the Drs office, I've been daydreaming. A friend of mine is going to a Halloween party tonight and I was invited to this party but declined. I don't have the self confidence to meet strangers anymore, much less the confidence to put on a costume and let people look at me! But this time next year could be totally different! EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!
I'll let ya know if the referral goes through! Wish me luck!
The insurance coordinator at the hospital called me today to discuss my HMOs requirements for bariatric surgery. I meet it all except one part:
"Medical documentation that the member has failed a medically supervised weight reduction program for a duration of at least 18 consecutive months"
I don't have 18 consecutive months of supervised diet. At best, I have 6 months.
Lucky for me, this week is my open enrollment week at work to switch to PPO coverage. The change would be in effect 2/1, so I'm hoping that I can see the doctor shortly after that. In the meantime, I've got my doctor sending my records over to the surgeon anyway, in the hopes that it will speed up my process once my insurance gets switched... really hoping that goes smoothly and I don't have an issue with them verifying coverage right after switching plans.
I'm a bit shocked at the amount of diet time that my medical group requires. It's really quite excessive, considering the medical group is with BCBSIL and BCBSIL themselves don't required ANY supervised diet AT ALL. So why is the medical group sweatin' me for that kinda diet???
I was already considering switching to PPO because this whole process so far has been really difficult. I've had so many ups and downs with this and I'm not much further along in this process than when I started back in July. I never understood why people complained about HMOs -- I GET IT NOW. I've had enough, and maybe next year after surgery I can go back to an *** because it's cheaper, but as far as all the BS the *** has already put me through and I'm NOT EVEN CLOSE to getting approved, I think PPO is a much better bet. It might cost more, but my health and my well being is worth any price!
Anyway, long story LONG -------------------------------------------- I haven't got much else to update. Still been in a bit of a New Year slump, just tired and cranky and anti-social. Starting to snap out of it, though and really am hoping this year will be my year to shine. I've also still been in slacker mode since the holidays with going to the gym, so I'm sure that's part of the slump also. I'm gonna get my butt there in the morning, though. Time to get this back in motion and keep it moving!
HAPPY NEW YEAR! (late, I know - but still sincere)
I was talking to my mom today about surgery day. We're a week away. In a week, I'll either be walking the halls, knocked out on pain meds or somewhere in between - and I'll be sleeved.
I've gone from giddy with excitement to tense with worry and I've settled on "optimisticly curious". I wonder.
What will I feel like the day of surgery? Man, I hope I'm one of those champs that's moving around and feeling okay right away.
What will I feel like when I'm out of the hospital?
How long til I'm feeling like myself?
Will I be in pain for a while?
Will I be able to get my water in?
And on and on. Etc, etc, etc...
And I'm not seeking any answers for those questions, these are simply curious thoughts I have from time to time. But for the most part, I've stopped thinking about it so much.
So, this is my last week as a pre-op.
The weird thing is, I'm not even hungry anymore. My stomach is still growling constantly, tho. I hope it stops doing that when it's smaller.
I've made a gajillion phone calls in the last 2 weeks, I think! I really just wanna get this show on the road so I can get referred for a surgical consult.
I had a Dr. visit today. This was follow up for my visit 2 weeks ago when my bp was way high and he put me on meds, I've been taking them as prescribed and they're working. He says he'd like it to be a little lower, but that it's better (I was 138/80, down from 162/92 2 weeks ago. Yay drugs!). So we talked more about surgery and I swear I'm more confused than when I went in. I mean, I understand the requirements, but I'm just baffled about what hospital I would go to. I guess I'll let that part work itself out and focus on the other stuff I need to do in the meantime. HMOs really are a pain. I never understood when people said that, but I've also never had to do anything like this before. HMOs are super, if you don't actually need major medical care!
Here's my August schedule for MD appointments:
8/22 - 1st nutritionist visit. I'm actually looking really forward to this! I want someone to sit me down face to face and show me what this process is gonna be like. And to get started being healthy now would be great and help with the pre-op weight loss requirement for the surgeon.
8/28 - back to my PCP to check the bp again, then we'll do a pap (I'm wayyy overdue) and an EKG since that's gonna be a requirement pre-op. I hate pap tests. I'm really not thrilled about this. It's not even the poking and prodding, it's the sitting in stirrups and a too-tiny paper shirt when you're 200lbs. overweight. I feel sorry for anyone who gotta look at alla that! But it's all in the name of health, right?? :\
8/29 - psych eval for WLS. I'm really, really curious what this is about. I've had counseling before, but this just seems... IDK. Odd. From what I read there's a quiz. I'm intrigued. Must I study for this quiz? lol
So ya - never been to a NUT before, never had an EKG, and don't know what to expect from the psych eval. Anyone have anything that might help me through any of these? Look forward to replies...
I had surgery exactly 2 wks ago today. I can't help but think I'm jumping the gun going back to work (this coming from the woman who asked her surgeon if it was possible to get back to work in ONE week, now suddenly I wish I had two more weeks!). I had mush brain for most of the afternoon. I had to sit through a reallllly stupid meeting for an hour and a half this morning and I basically spent the entire day resisting the urge to run out of the building and never come back.
I don't know if it's a coincidence or what, but after feeling great for about a week, I get back to work today and had a LOT pain on my left hand side. I think it's from the office chairs at work, which have always been uncomfortable. They are not built for fat people, let me tell you. I always feel like I'm spilling out of the thing and that it's not long enough in the seat to sit in any comfortable way. Well, with all the repositioning I have to do all day in that chair, I think it took its toll and my left side of by belly was aching by mid-morning.
I hate my job. Actually, my actual JOB is something I enjoy, I just really dislike the company and management. If I could work from home, I'd never leave my job!! Being away from it really amplified that fact, because going back felt like a shock to my system. I missed having a nap, I missed being able to sleep in, I missed being able to wear comfy pajamas all day. Basically, I missed being on leave!
In the back of my mind, when I decided to have this surgery, I said "When I lose some weight, I'm looking for a new job."
I went on a few interviews in the past year or so and always get passed over. I even had an interview at a company that a fellow coworker also interviewed for. She was not as qualified as I am, had way less experience, and I can only conclude that she got the job because she's thin and pretty. I don't mean to sound hateful, she was one of my closest work buddies and I miss her, but it just seemed like that's what got her hired. I remember going to that interview and not seeing a single fat woman there. That's just the society we live in. All of the jobs I've gotten, I was interviewed by an overweight woman. All the jobs I DON'T get are when I'm interviewed by a man or by a thin woman.
No, I didn't have this surgery to find a job. But I think if I can be slimmer, dress better and have more confidence, I'll be headed in the right direction to getting a new gig. Hopefully one that pays as well, because money is THE ONLY thing keeping me at my current job! :\
That was an unexpected tangent - but I can also share that I've moved on to the next diet stage, which includes soft meats like fish and deli meat. I haven't tried fish yet (not a huge fan, but would like to try it), but the deli turkey is working out great. I can have 1 or 2 slices and feel full. I haven't felt any hunger yet, but I am still fighting the urge to eat cuz I'm bored. That should calm down now that I'm back and work and out of the house most of the day. It was tough not reverting to old habits when I was just lounging around the house for days on end! Thankfully, even if I did eat out of boredom, I can eat so little that it's not a huge impact. Everything is going into MFP - I promised myself that I would track better after surgery, and I have.
I'm getting in about 800-1000 cals and 90-110g protein per day. Part of me thinks that is too much/too soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not. I don't plan to bump my calories up too much as I move through the stages, and I'm happy that I'm not struggling with the protein. Everything I have tried has gone down just fine. I've had a bit of gas here and there, but I just burp and feel fine. No pain, no vomiting or over stuffing myself yet. Been feeling okay overall... just bummed I'm not independently wealthy.
I've lost 21lbs since surgery 2 wks ago, but after the first week (which was mostly gas/fluids/swelling, my weight loss has slowed down. It's been 1lb every other day. I KNOWWW that's not bad, but considering that I started with a high BMI, I was hoping to be one of those folks whose weight slides right off. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping my soreness in my tummy with fade in the next 2 weeks so I can REALLY hit it at the gym. I feel like I can't even walk that fast right now because my belly moves around and hurts to much.
Well, I'm going to try for that nap I've been wishing for all day! Hope all my fellow May sleevers are doing well!
IDK how far I'm ever going to get in this journey. After my disaster of a consult at the beginning of December, I've been going back and forth with my insurance on getting approved to see a different surgeon, and to say it's been an uphill battle is putting it mildly. I can resume this battle on Thursday since my MD's office is closed until then. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I really had no idea it would be this difficult to get to the operating table - I'm starting to think I never will get there.
The holidays are finally over, and losing that stress has really put me in a sad frame of mind. I'm definitely in a slump right now. I feel hopeless in getting my surgery approved/scheduled. I thought I was so close, and I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I feel like giving up, and not just because this has been such a stressful process, but because I no longer see losing weight as a chance to reclaim my life.
I've been cooped up in my house for days. I had the luxury of being off from work since last Friday, and I've only left the house one time since. Why? Because I have nowhere to go. Not a single "friend" texted me on NYE, not to invite me out or invite me over or even to wish me a happy new year. Not one single phone call from anyone to see how I have been or ask how I am doing. And yes, I realize I could be the one to pick up the phone, but I have nothing to say... That's probably the reason people don't call me in the first place! Nothing ever changes with me. If someone does ask what I've been up to, the answer is either "Not much" or "Just working."
I'm just tired of being alone. Always all alone. No one's on their way here. No one's making plans to see me. No one's got me on their mind... and really, why should anyone be thinking of me? I'm no one's someone special, and I probably never will be. This is my life. You'd think I'd accept it by now. But it still makes me sad from time to time...
Pity party for one, over here.
I hope that at some point this year, I can be truly happy. And I hope that point comes soon...
Still in pre-opVILLE - I go to my seminar on Monday. I really hope to learn more about the time frame for everything soon!!
I'm a list maker by nature. Since all I can think about lately is my weight loss plan, I've made a list of NSVs I hope to achieve, and made some rewards to go along with them for motivation. I also made a list of scale related victories and rewards for that. Not sure if everyone does this, or just makes one list or the other, or doesn't make a list of rewards - but I'm a lifelong spoiled only-child, and I like rewards. And I need to start thinking about rewards that have absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD.
Anyway, thought I'd share. Hope you enjoy! Feel free to steal any of these.
NSV achievement/reward:
see my toes - pedicure
touch my toes while seated on the floor - new gym shoes
lose my double chin - buy a new necklace
see my collarbones - buy a new top to show them off
run a mile w/o walking - new gym clothes
walk up 5 flights of stairs - new shoes (of any kind) *5 flights because I park in a garage 5 flights up. I hate waiting for the dang elevator anyway!!
get on an actual bike - go on a bike ride with my Daddy!
sit Indian style comfortably - go to a yoga class
cross my legs at the knee - buy a dress (for the first time in yearssss)
Weight loss achievement/reward: *yes, I have a lot to lose!
-50lbs - facial
-100lbs - massage
-150lbs - Road Trip! (no idea where!)
-200lbs - new mattress, new couch and chairs in living room
-250lbs - bathing suit and a passport!
@ GOAL -------- I'M GOING TO JAMAICA!!! And it will be my first plane ride.
I would love to hear any suggestions that anyone has as well! I really can't wait to start checking some of these off!
I got my psych eval today. A nice little letter to say I have no mental disorders... kinda want to have that framed. For reference. To remind myself I'm sane. To prove such to others who know me and doubt that.
Went to my PCP yesterday for a routine visit and my bp is finally under control. Halleloo for that! Had a pap that wasn't as embarrassing or as torturous as I thought it might be.
My PCP said my insurance will want 3 months of supervised diet. But because he doesn't have a scale that will weigh me, he's gonna see if we can get around that. Otherwise, I'm looking at end of November for referral to surgeon. Supposedly things move quickly from that point.
My PCP didn't know anything about VSG. The NUT I went to sort of looked at me like I didn't know what I was talking about when I said "vertical sleeve" as the answer to the surgery I wanted. The psychologist had no idea what VSG is. So, I'm kinda at the point where I don't know what's going to happen. I'm hoping for the best but sorta getting the sneaking suspicion that I'm going about this wrong, that I'm being misled and that I have no one who can tell me to do otherwise. *sigh* and I don't know anyone IRL who has had VSG or any wls on my type of insurance. I'm lost! I hope all these copays aren't all in vain!
That said, I'm really trying to stay optimistic. I can't wait to get on the loser's bench already!
I think I'll always be fat.
I'm actually okay with that.
I was near 500lbs when I started this journey. My physical ability was nearly non-existent. Had I not had my sleeve, I would probably need motorized cars at stores at this point.
I've lost over 150lbs. My lowest weight was 317 at 2 years post op, and then.... I got pregnant!
See, life changed completely after my sleeve.
I had been perpetually single for 5+ years during the prime of my life - late 20s - early 30s. I got sleeved, after months of depression thinking my life would never be what I wanted if I didn't lose weight. I wanted a good man. I wanted children. I had no confidence in myself that I could have that because I was fat. I see now how really sad that is, and how hard I was on myself.
So, I started dating (a LOT, embarrassing to think about, actually) and eventually got set up on a blind date with G and the rest... is history. Except that his past is complicated and not quite in his past completely - and now we live together, have 50/50 custody of his 7 year old daughter and I JUST HAD MY FIRST BABY in May. More on that, later. It's really quite incredible how life has changed!
My body is a wreck. I already had loose skin so I didn't even look pregnant during my pregnancy... not even THE DAY I gave birth to a 9 lb baby boy! But I reread my entry from right after surgery and the same has held true - I'm so amazed and impressed with what my body can do. I survived being severely obese, I survived high blood pressure, surgery, gestating a baby, having a c-section - and I feel great (for a 35 year old FTM of a newborn).
I'm still working on turning over a leaf I started turning when I had surgery. Nearly 2 1/2 years have gone by and I still have a long way to go if I ever want to be on that "Overweight" BMI category. But I don't care. I'm working on losing weight after having a baby with the same attitude as post-op. I want my life to be better. Now my goal is a little different: I want to be the best mom and play with my baby. *who just woke up!*
No one is perfect. Some bodies are bigger than others. I'm okay with being the best I can be, whatever that may be.
Back on the ride to get my body moving again! Pregnancy is hard, but that's no longer an excuse. My baby is going to have me running after him soon enough, I'd better prepare for that! Let's see just how far I can go for my son.
So after going all weekend thinking I was going to have to settle for RNY because of my insurance, I got the happy news today that I have been referred to a new surgeon that does VSG. HOORAY!! *happy dance*
I have been referred to Dr. Ayloo at UIC. Anyone familiar with her? I'm going to the required informational seminar on 11/5 at 5pm. Any other Chicago area people going to this seminar? I'd love to meet you!!
I'm back on cloud 9. Now, I just have to hope that all the pre-op stuff I've done under the direction of my PCP will be acceptable for this surgeon. I'm so excited - I wonder how long til I could get a surgery date? eeeeeekkkkk
So, this morning on my drive to work, I got to thinking about "being on a journey". I've always found the whole "this is a journey" thing a little cheeseball, but now that I'm ON IT, I realize it's a completely accurate description. The trick will be staying on it! I started envisioning this process as a road trip (my favorite) and it struck me that I'm still in my driveway, and I'm not getting on the road today! I got the referral to the nutritionist in the mail yesterday but when I called, the scheduling office was already closed. This morning I left the dang paper at home so I couldn't call at work. By the time I got home, it was too late to call again!! Better luck tomorrow, I already put it in my purse for tomorrow, I did make SOME progress today. I called my insurance to verify that WLS is a covered benefit on my ***. She said it is "as long as your PCP says it's medically necessary" but I already know there are other prerequisites. The woman on the phone just kept referring me back to my PCP - she didn't even know what a vertical sleeve gastrectomy was!! Fortunately, I used to work for the company that I'm currently insured through, so I knew how to locate their medical policy online to get the requirements myself. I was surprised to find they haven't changed much in the last 5 years since I worked for them! LOL! AND! VSG IS COVERED! yay!!
Eligibility:
be at least 18 years of age. CHECK!
Be BMI 40+. (less enthusiastically) Check.
**the rest I still need to do:
Documentation from the surgeon that I have completed:
- a nutrition program, which may include a VLC diet or recognized commercial diet based weight loss program AND
- Behavior modifications or behavioral health interventions AND
- Counseling and instruction on exercise and increased physical activity AND
- Ongoing support for lifestyle changes to make and maintain appropriate choices that will reduce health risk factors and improve overall health AND
- psych eval w/i 12 mo AND
- absence of psychological comorbidity that could contribute to weight management and/or an eating disorder AND
- patient willingness to comply with preoperative and postoperative treatment instructions.
Seems like a lot, but really it's what? Nutritionist consult (working on scheduling that), a psych eval (need to ask about that), and going to the seminar the hospital does should cover the rest. Right? Or am I way off?
I'm getting worried about how much this is going to cost. Despite being on an ***, i have a LOT of out of pocket expenses. I have a $500/day copay for the hospital stay. Plus it's $40 copay every time I see the PCP and goes up to $60 for specialists (including the nutritionist I have to see (at least 4 visits, per my referral slip), the psych eval and visits to the bariatric Dr. too!!). I can just see this being a real financial hardship. I know it will be worth it, and it's NOT a deterrent for me, but I'm just realistically trying to see how I can squeeze this money out of my budget right now and the outlook is not good!! I was trying to realistically think about how much time I could AFFORD to take off work when I have surgery and I started getting a little panicky! How am I going to afford this? WHY does my insurance suck so bad (I WORK FOR AN INSURANCE COMPANY - I WOULD THINK I'D GET THE BEST!!! WRONG!)??? And then thinking about long term expenses like how am I going to afford all the new clothes I'm gonna need? And the vitamins and protein shakes, and gym membership and yadda yadda yadda -
and then I realized that that's why it's a journey. And why it's especially like a road trip. All this hardship and work and everything is like a long, sweaty ride to The Grand Canyon. The one where you're in a car with a bunch of people and the air went out, and you're all crabby and you've been on the road for a couple of days and starting to stink and you're delayed because the car broke down and then... you get to The Grand Canyon. And it's amazing. It changes your life. You'll always remember the moment you saw it, and chances are, you'll recall the trip as a lot more fun than the reality. It's the destination that's important and makes everything else worthwhile. But the getting there is a real pain in the you-know-what.
*sigh* So yeah, I'm already starting to get overwhelmed, but I know that all the sacrifice will pay off. I'm keeping my eye on the prize, but there's a lot I need to work out. IF my timeline for this that's in my mind (based on my various research and talking to my dr.), I could be eligible for surgery as soon as December. And if that's the case, everyone I know is gonna just have to DEAL with not getting a present from me this Christmas!! lol!!
In the meantime, I'm just going to have to keep my mind on my money and my money on my mind for a while... and STAY POSITIVE!
I felt like I got nothing done at work today. I kept getting up to make phone calls, it was so frustrating. After three days and multiple attempts, I finally got through to the scheduler for the dietitian my PCP referred me to. The earliest they could get me in was August 22nd at 1:30, which happens to be the day after my birthday. They told me to chart my food intake as accurately as possible for a few days before the visit and that's about it. I asked if they had a high capacity scale, and was a little surprised that they don't. She said she would ask if the heart institute office (next door to them) had a high capacity scale and call me back... but I never heard back from her today. She seemed friendly enough, but then again, she's the scheduler. Nice is in her job description.
The scheduler also mentioned that I should double check that dietitians are covered for weight loss, some insurances only cover for a recent DM dx. So that had me away from my desk for another 30m later this morning. Talk about being distracted from work!!
I gotta ask - what gives on the scales? It's extra embarrassing because most scales are max capacity at 400 and I'm guessing I'm in the 420-440 range. I'm actually a little scared to find out, considering I haven't known my actual weight in years. Is this common? Am I the only fat person who doesn't obsess over their number? I think I'll be shocked to get the accurate weight, quite frankly. I don't know how I'm gonna feel about it when it comes right down to having THAT NUMBER in my head.
Anyway, so I had to email my boss and work out some flex time (want to save that PTO if I can!) so I can go to this appointment. I've never really had to ask for flex time, so this recent influx of requests from me got her to finally ask me if everything was okay. I was reluctant, but I had a chat with her about how my bp recently spiked and my MD and I discussed surgery... it was like I was in the frickin therapists office... but she shared some personal stuff with me and in the end, it was kinda nice. And she reassured me that she wouldn't talk to anyone about it, and she wished me luck - even went to the HR lady and got some details about STD benefits if/when I get surgery scheduled.
I swear, I only actually committed to wanting to do surgery like 8 days ago and I feel like it's just been a run away train since!! Anyone else have some similar pre-pre-pre surgical stories to share? Or any sage wisdom to help me through all these really overwhelming and stressful times?
...to check my bp, remove a mole, and let him know I have the appointment with the dietitian.
hopefully all goes well.
also, I want to ask him which hospital I would be referred to or if I get to choose. In outside of Chicago and there's lots of options, and I have NO idea how to choose which one to go to... too bad they're all equally far away and inconvenient for me! Convenience is hardly a factor!
anyway, hopefully I'll have more answers tomorrow about the steps and how long it could take to get a referral to the bariatric dr. Does anyone know the process for bcbs IL h.m.o.?
I've been trying to implement change in my life. It hasn't been easy. My sub-conscious isn't going down without a fight! It's been really hard to fight the urge for carbs, but I took a huge step today by eliminating most of them from my cabinets.
I did some shopping over the weekend and again, it was really hard to fight the carb monster. Oh, my favorite macaroons are fresh out of the oven? NO! RESIST! Free sample of my favorite pizza? STOP!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! Toaster Strudel on sale!? YOU BASTIDS!
And then it was like a light bulb went off (dimly, still working on it), and I realized that Toaster Strudel is probably a great representation of my overall diet choices. Easy, sweet, reminiscent of fruit (but not actual fruit) and comes with an icing packet so I can feel like I contributed to my meal prep. How terribly sad and ridiculous is it to live like that??
So, instead I've been implementing some changes. I've been trying out protein shakes as meal replacements, and so far it's going great. I've been enjoying Muscle Milk, vanilla creme and chocolate are all I've tried, and playing around with flavors. I have some sugar-free chai mix, some extracts and sugar-free syrups that have made it a little more fun. I've been using the ready-to-drink variety of muscle milk and am nervous about buying the big canister. Does it taste the same? Anyone know about this?
Also, I've discovered Greek yogurt. Never used to be a yogurt fan, but never tried Greek yogurt since it became "the thing". "If I don't like the regular kind, why would I want the Greek kind?" I'd rationalize to myself like an idiot. It's amazing! I really like Fage the best, but have been settling for Oikos because it's been on sale for the last 2 weeks at my local store. Of all I tried, Fage peach is my hands down favorite. So I've been replacing a meal with yogurt. Well, not the WHOLE meal. I used to buy lunch at the cafeteria at my work, which is usually some double portion carb mess covered in gravy, or a super salty soup with pre-made caesar salad on the side and a big sugary lemonade. Now, I bring a yogurt, some cheese slices and have bottled water instead of the lemonade. I'll get a soup or fresh fruit from the caf if I'm hungry, but I'm usually not. All the extra protein is really making a difference in my appetite!
So that brings us to the point in my day once I'm home. I live alone. I have no one to shame me or call me out for making bad choices. That's part of why I'm glad to purge my cabinets. I'll have to use all my willpower not to re-purchase those things, but not having them here is a huge step. When I'm home and ready for dinner, I have a Lean Cuisine. Not the best, but it's portion controlled and easy. Living alone=having all the chores and cooking and cleaning is not how I want to spend my time... half way through cooking the meal, my back will start to ache. Then by the time I'm done and have sat down, ate, food coma sets in, cleaning up is the last thing on my mind. I'm really hoping that losing some weight will give me energy back to DO CHORES. I feel like I'm so gung-ho about changing my diet, that part has been easy, actually, but I have no drive whatsoever to be physically active. I really want that to change. But it's such a short amount of time before my back aches or my feet ache or I'm sweating and feel disgusting...
Can't want for all these changes to add up to a better life.
I just re-read this and realized my goal for physical fitness is to be able to do chores! HAHHAHHAHA - not climb a mountain, run a 5k - but do some chores. I can't tell if that's very sad or very Marge Simpson of me. lol!!
May 2nd seems like such a long time ago. When I think of how I was feeling that day and how I feel today, it truly makes me so proud of my body. My body that I've abused with a lifetime of overeating. My body that had to wait patiently for years for my mind to realize it was time to make a change. My body that has recovered so beautifully and allowed me to be as comfortable as possible through every last thing I've put it through. I could cry. For the first time ever, I love my body.
The day of surgery, my blood pressure was good. I hadn't been on any bp meds since 8 days prior, per my PCP because my bp was getting too low and I was feeling very faint because of it. I was already so impressed with my heart being able to recover so quickly from hypertension and I had only lost 50lbs. I know that 50lbs is quite an accomplishment, but I'm still in need of losing 200 or more (if I can without skin removal), so it seems like just a post in a very long road.
I'm teetering on the brink of the 300s. This morning, my scale went between 399 and 402 before settling on 400.2. I could very well be in Tres Town when I wake up tomorrow! I couldn't believe it when the digital scale went down to 399! It's amazing. I'm so pleased with everything so far.
So here's my saga of surgery and recovery to present. This is more for my own reflection later, but I thought it might help someone who's starting their journey soon.
I couldn't sleep the night before surgery. Well, I slept, but only for 3 hours. During surgery, my blood pressure went up, so they gave me Labetalol. Immediately after surgery, when I was in recovery, my heart rate dropped to 45. I slept through all of this. In fact, most people spend a couple of hours in recovery, and I slept for 6 hours in recovery instead. My blood pressure was normal and once I woke up, they sent me to my room.
Moving from bed to bed was very, very painful. The nurses had to check me for bed sores and roll me around and I didn't even have the energy to cry. AS SOON as they were done, they gave me morphine. I tried to get comfortable but my back was hurting. My parents came to say hello and visit, but I was tired and it was late, so they left to go home. When my nurse came to check on me, I told her my back was hurting, so she called to get me a new bed. This was a blessing and a curse. The new bed was great, but I had to change beds again! It was an air mattress and so comfy I didn't need a pillow under my head. The nurse so kindly helped me brush my teeth and wash my face from bed and got me some mouth swabs because I couldn't have liquids til my upper GI the next morning. I sent a few texts to friends to let them know I was okay, then slept til morning when they came to take me for the GI.
That upper GI was painful also. Moving was really hard. My tummy is so big and giggly, every movement was painful and sore. When I went back to my room, they removed my catheter and brought me breakfast - beef broth (gross), coffee (why?), orange juice (again, acidy, why?), and green jello. The nastiest of all the jellos. I was pouting thinking there was nothing that I could eat and then I saw - cherry Italian ice cup. HEAVEN! Granted, it was about 3 baby bites of heaven, but I was so happy.
I was sleeping through most of the day when the nurse came in and checked my bp to find that it was 80/40. She walked in while I was sleeping and my heart rate was 40. They put me on a holter monitor and ran an EKG which said I had a grade 1 A-V block and a mild arrhythmia. The on call doc saw me and said he believed it was due to the anethesia and morphine, and that because I was improving, it wasn't a need for major concern. He suggested I follow up with my PCP, who might send me to a cardiologist for an echo, depending on how a repeat EKG goes. I felt dehydrated and a little weak, they tried to take blood but literally could only get drops before my vein would collapse.
I was eerily calm through all of this. My parents weren't going to come visit me that day because they live almost 2 hours from Chicago. I had talked to my parents first thing in the morning and all of this took place after the nap I took after I spoke to them. I'd told them they could just come Saturday when I knew I was going to get released. I didn't even think to call them when all of this heart business happened, because in my mind, I felt like I knew it was just anesthesia and the morphine and I just wasn't scared. I got up and walked around more because they took out the catheter, so I HAD to get up to use the bathroom. I walked around my room as best I could and then just slept. I never turned my TV on ONCE while I was there. Not once!! I made myself drink more water. I made myself walk. And later that night, my bp was up. My heart rate was up. I still have a mild arrhythmia, but the nurse said it's benign and my PCP already knows about it.
My stay at the hospital was great. The nurses and techs were all really genuinely friendly and kind and helpful. The staff at my surgeons office has been excellent, too. My follow up visit was Friday, 8 days post op, and it was good. I lost 13lbs in 8 days. I'm at 17lbs lost in 10 days now. I'm on soft foods now and I cooked myself some soup yesterday, made some protein pudding, and just felt like I was having a normal weekend. I love making soup on Saturdays and having several cups through the day as it cooks more and more. I was able to have that same experience this weekend, but my total trips to the soup only totalled 1.5 cups of soup for the day. That's exactly what I wanted from the sleeve. Yes, I've made and will continue to make many healthy changes in my life. But if I want to have a lazy day of eating, the sleeve will let me do it and still lose weight. I don't have to lose myself in this surgery. Now the "living the rest of my life" begins, and I'm so, so happy to be here.
I'm grateful my body has made it through all of this. I can't wait to see what my body can do when it's lost this weight. It feels nice to love myself again, and the affection will only get better from here!
