So I apologize in advance, I need to rant about this because it's driving me up a wall, and the more I get it off my chest the more I'll be able to let it go and keep moving.
I'm gonna start with saying I know my body is not my enemy, I know that it's retaining water and holding me at my weight because it's scared that I'm starving or something and it's trying to rearrange so it can function well in a low calorie environment. I get that stalls cannot last forever if you are doing the right thing. I know that someday eventually the scale will move in the right direction. That day is just not today.
That being said, it feels like I'm fighting against my body today. I feel hormonal (which I'm sure is normal burning fat and so low cal) and I just wanna get how I feel off my chest, because no one at my house really gets it, sweet as they may be to try to be understanding. I hate that I am stalled for so long so early out. In the scheme of my life 12 days is not a lot, and I will live through this, but right now 12 days seems like a long time. Especially when I am not even quite 4 weeks out from surgery. I was doing everything right, getting in walks twice a day, getting in almost all my protein, keeping my carbs low, getting my water in, and I just don't know what else I can do. Yesterday and the day before I tried eating a few extra calories - keep in mind we're talking maybe 750 calories or something, nothing mind blowing. I thought maybe if I give my body a chance to think that we're not in starvation maybe it would be more likely to let a few pounds go. Instead I gained. And now I am back up to 301. I am sitting here trying not to cry because I know it's so stupid to be upset about something I have no control over, and that is just a number on a stupid scale.
I know that I have to find ways to work through the stress of this, because the only thing stress is going to do is make me retain even more weight. At this point I can't wait to go back to work, if only to be able to get my mind off my weight and my food. Once I get back I will probably be cursing myself for saying that, but it's true, right now I need to have something to do. I feel frustrated because I cannot even eat anything good. No wonder my past diets failed. I have not been sleeping well since the surgery either, and I think this is also affecting my weight/mood. I feel like I'm PMSing 24/7 right now. I know it's stupid to think this, because every post where I've read someone say this they've eventually succeeded, but what if I'm stuck here for months? How will I handle that? I guess I didn't realize this would be such of a mind game - I never expected a stall to last so long 2 weeks out the gate.
Ok - now that I have given myself a chance to let my emotions come out and be a little irrational, it's time to keep on trudging. Since increased calories did not work, I will be working diligently today to keep my protein up and get in extra water. I am not going to let this stall beat me, even if it means I'm stuck here for the next six weeks. So far, I have been letting the scale beat me, but I'm gonna try and keep my focus on tomorrow. I may not have lost today or yesterday, but that never means I won't lose tomorrow. I think I will try and stay away from the forums a bit while I'm going through this process. It's hard to not compare my loss to others and wonder why my body is being so frustrating.
Dear body, I'm not giving up, so please just give in already.
So yesterday I had my very first date post-op. I had met him online and was very nervous =) I had decided to tell him about my VSG before meeting him, so that was thankfully something he already knew about.
It went really well, one of the better first dates I've had. I am a pretty shy person, but I tried to open up more. He is very cute and though I figured we'd only spend a couple hours together it turned into like an 8 hour date. We had lunch, walked around shops, played mini-golf, played arcade games, and went to a movie. I think he had a good time too, or at least I assume he did since he kept suggesting that we could keep hanging out after lunch. I'm gonna give it a few days or so and then I think if he hasn't mentioned it maybe I will bring up a second date. After all, I don't wanna make him have to do all the work. I'm reservedly excited though!
I actually felt like I looked great. I should have worn a coat that was a little bigger because the zip hoodie I wore was almost there but not quite.
So on to my progress: I have now lost 53.4 pounds! It's really pretty incredible to see that number. I haven't seen below 280 in like 4 years and now I'm at 271.6! I can't believe it most days. I still can't see it in the mirror, but I can see it in pictures now!! I need to get back on track with my protein though - I haven't been logging my food lately and I don't want to fall into bad habits. I want to continue to lose and the only way I can make this long term is if I self-correct when I make mistakes or get off track. Plus, I haven't been working out as much. This week my goal is to work out Tues-Sun. I would work out today but I have to head off to work shortly.
I am like 15 pounds away from being able to fit into my Threadless t-shirts! I am sooooo excited about that. I collect t-shirts and have like 40+ that I will be able to wear very soon. And pants! I wore my 24s to the date yesterday and I think they looked great. 22s are still pretty far away, but I am gonna be sooooo stoked when I can fit into them! It will be simply incredible.
October is usually the worst month of the year for me - Every October I seem to have issues or have a relationship end or whatnot. I dread October usually. And this October is great so far! If you had told me six months ago that I would be happy, down over 50 pounds, possibly about to start seeing a new guy who actually lives in this state, and doing decent in school all in OCTOBER - I never would have believed you! I feel like I should pinch myself to make sure this isn't just a dream.
Can I just reiterate that I love my VSG? I know it's not all thanks to my sleeve, but dang, it sure has helped.
It's past midnight so I guess it's officially 3 days until my surgery. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my head that it's kind of crazy.
I think I'll start with my immediate feeling, which is anger. This has very little to do with the actual surgery. I had asked a friend if he would stay with me the week post surgery because family will not be home and they really want me to have someone around most of the day to be sure I'm alright. He didn't have a job and I told him I'd pay for gas/a bit for babysitting me and we'd get to hang out. Fun times, right? Wrong. So he started getting flaky a couple of weeks ago. We talked about it and figured it out and he assured me he would be there to back me up. Thankfully, the pessimistic, cynical person that I am, I asked another friend if he could back me up and he was willing to. This was maybe about three weeks ago. The friend that has assured me he'd back me up and I kind of fell out of touch being busy with work and stuff, and I messaged him intermittently to see if he wanted to hang out, but he didn't really feel like it, but each time he would assure me yes he will be there post surgery to help me out. Lo and behold I message him tonight and ask if we are still on for it, and he says "If I'm off." And I'm like "Huh??? We have been planning on this for weeks!!" So his story comes out that yesterday he got a job and he might have to work. Which would totally be okay with me, except for the fact that he did not even bother to tell me! Three days from my surgery and he didn't even have the decency to let me know I should probably start looking for another person to help me out. When was he going to tell me? The day of surgery?
Anyway, so I'm steaming over that. I am so thankful I had already asked another friend and my aunt offered to come help out. But I decided that I didn't want to be friends with this individual anymore. We had been friends less than a year, so I suppose it's not a huge loss, and obviously he has no consideration, so I guess I'm better off. It still sucks, and it's an unfortunate note to be down a friend going into a major surgery, but I think it was the right choice. Deep breaths, I'm trying to let it gooooooo. No negative thoughts will be following this lady into surgery!
Onto the more relevant conversation...I'm NERVOUS. I'm still far more nervous for my PAT than I am for my surgery, which seems completely backwards. Alas, that's how it is for me. I'm hoping I get the all clear when I go in on Tuesday. I will keep you updated as the process continues.
As for this pre-surgical girl, it is time for bed!
It has been a while since I have been on here regularly and written on here. I haven't even updated my weight for a few weeks. In the past 3 weeks I have gone from 276.8 to 262.6. So I am still losing well, and steadily. I'm down a total of 62.4 pounds now! Holy moly, I can barely believe it.
Even though I know I still have a lot to lose left, I feel like an entirely new person. My life has kind of done a 180. I have energy, I have confidence, I feel like I look good when I wear my clothes. It's incredible. I cannot even list all the ways this surgery has changed my life. I have struggled with depression for the entirety of my adult life, and a lot of my late teens/early adulthood, so the level of difference is like night and day. I have had good times before, yes, but I feel like I've come so far in being where and who I want to be. I still have hard times, I still am a horrible procrastinator, but I feel like whatever the day throws at me, I am more ready for than I have ever been.
And....I think I have a boyfriend. He hasn't actually called me his girlfriend, but we did have a casual conversation the other day in which we asked if the other was seeing anyone else, and neither of us are, so I guess that makes us exclusive? He invited me to a get together with his coworkers next weekend, so we will see what he introduces me as, or maybe between now and then we'll chat about it. He's really an awesome guy, and we click really well together. Last night we went to a corn maze and walked around for about two hours - something I probably never would have done pre-surgery. He has said that I motivate him to eat better when he's out eating and whatnot. I thought that was really neat. He doesn't have a lot to lose, maybe 40 pounds or so, but it would be awesome to have him get in shape and feel better too. So I spent the night at his place and the whole day and night were just fabulous. I can add one NSV to my list about having more fun during sex =) Skinnier sex is much more fun.
Sometimes I feel like I need someone to pinch me, like is this really real? Is this my life now? How did I get to such a happy place so quickly? Not that I was horribly depressed before, but I certainly was not happy. I cannot say enough how thankful I am for this surgery. I will have to remember to let my surgeon know Thursday at my 3 month appointment that he has been such an instrument for change in my life. I'm sure he gets it a lot as people lose, but it would be nice to let him know that I feel so appreciative for the gift he has given me (Even though I paid for it =p).
Anyway, I just wanted to update because I hadn't in a while, and I haven't really kept up on my food logging or searching posts here. I keep trying to get myself back into the habit of it, but it hasn't worked. It will continually be something that I try to work on until I can finally make it a habit. I haven't been eating poorly though, and my weight loss has been great, so I'm not concerned or anything.
That being said, I'm procrastinating finishing getting ready for work, so I have to head off. I hope everyone is doing well!
Life is good. =D
So my stall finally broke itself - Those of you who said it would just break on its own - 100% right. I did try stuff to get out of it, and it taught me a good lesson, my body controls itself sometimes - not me.
I am glad that I vented on here though. I will be glad when I'm farther along that I can look back (especially when I hit another stall) and prove to myself that even though it was hard and I was upset, I got through it. And my body went through a period of readjusting. You know, it's really easy to say that your body is readjusting to other people - but it can be difficult when it's you that's going through it, even if you keep telling yourself it rationally. Add in hormone fluctuations and you get frustration, upset, etc. I think that's natural. I researched a ton before this procedure and knew I'd stall and it was still hard for me when it hit. So much for being level headed and prepared!
With the end of my stall also has come a decrease in my mood fluctuations, which is another clue to me that it's related to hormones. My period started, my weight started dropping again, and I'm finally a little more rational again.
My 26s fit okay most days. They're a little tight, but I've been measuring weekly and I'm seeing the numbers come down, so I know it's just a matter of time before I'm fully into them. I'm really looking forward to getting to wear them at school. I pulled a bunch of clothes I'd had packed up in my basement and the majority of them I will be able to wear in the next couple months. It's very exciting.
My eating has been going well. I have stayed on plan and the only thing I'm having any trouble with is making sure I'm getting in my water at work. Funny enough it's easier for me to get a snack in at work than water, which is backwards from pre-op. All of my coworkers have been very supportive - They have been volunteering to take out the trash and whatnot when I work the late shift because they know I can't. One of my coworkers I was with my first day back made sure all the night work was done for me, which I was super appreciative of. She's awesome.
I am a little anxious about school, but also excited. I can't wait to see my classmates. They all went out on Saturday night but my sleeve and I were having a disagreement, so I decided to stay home. I know a couple of my classmates that I'm closer with are a little bummed, so I'll have to make a point to come up with a group outing sometime soon.
I chatting on the webcam with my ex the other day and he told me that he can really tell the difference in my face/upper body now. That felt nice to hear. I have been having quite a few NSVs lately. I think I might open a word document and make myself a list, so I never forget what this life changing event has given me.
Mostly I just wanted to make this post because I can tend to write in blogs when I need to rant, but I want to document my happy times too. Through our good and bad times, my sleeve has become my best buddy.
Now I just need to think of a name for it....=p
Life has been crazy lately. With everything going on, I feel like I'm struggling just to keep my head above water, though part of that is my fault.
I don't enjoy the holiday season. It's not that I mind Christmas or Thanksgiving and being with family - it's nice to see them. But I don't like the stress that the holiday season brings along with it. The stress of finals, the stress of having no money and wanting to get the people I love nice gifts, the stress of work, the stress of not having time off, the stress of hearing the same five to ten Christmas songs over and over everywhere I go.
I want to be in the spirit of the season. I would love to spend a bunch of time shopping and get the people on my list some really neat things. I just can't afford it. I can't work full time because of school, and I can barely afford gas money to get to see my boyfriend on the weekends. And then right after the holiday season comes car insurance time. I just wish I had a bit of extra cash so that I could stop freaking out about money.
I have not been losing weight as consistently as before. I hit a couple of weeks of plateau where I thought maybe weight loss was done. I haven't gotten to working out as much as I'd have liked. I have been walking a lot more though. This week I had a bit of a nice drop though and have now fallen into the 230's, weighing in at 239.6 - what a great number to see. That means I'm just over 15 pounds away from 100 lost and I'm a little over four months out from surgery.
My boyfriend told me that he can really see the weight loss now. If you're looking at my back above my hips/butt, I actually look a normal weight. I wish my body would let me lose more from my lower abdomen and hips. I suppose it will come eventually.
Well, I didn't start this entry with the idea of complaining the whole way through, so I'm gonna head off and try and be more positive. Mostly I just wanted to document my weight and my feelings, especially since they took away my outside ticker so I've lost my graph that recorded all my weights. I will have to figure out how to set one up on my computer in excel or something. I know Alex said they'd work on it, but I am missing out on recording a number of weights while I wait for them to fix the tickers on this site.
I hope everyone is doing well!
Sometimes my brain just can't seem to agree with itself, and definitely not with my body. I know that the week three stall exists, and I know that my hormones are out of wack, but I am having a hard time not being frustrated at my body. I think it's a combination of the two, plus the fact that the week before last I put out a tiny also. I haven't had a decent loss since the middle of week 2. I have been stuck at 298 for the past week now.
I should really learn to follow my own advice better. Put the scale away, Izuri! It's much easier said than done.
It would be helpful if my rational brain could emerge a little more this week. I am on my period for the third time since surgery, which was almost exactly 3 weeks ago. I am not sleeping nearly as well as I used to, and I have had no energy for the past 3-4 days.
I thought that maybe I'd switch things up on my diet. I've tried diligently to get in my protein, have cut my carbs down to under 40 like my doctor recommended, and have been loading up on water like it's going to disappear tomorrow. Nothing had helped me budge from 298.
My rational brain knows that this surgery works. It knows that I'm already down like 27 pounds and that's a lot for 3 weeks, that I should just be happy and put the dang scale away. I know I'm retaining water because with all that like 80oz of water I got in yesterday I think I went to the restroom maybe 3 times (TMI? Sorry.) there's just no way I couldn't be retaining. Plus, my 28s fit, whereas they were loose before. I guess there's this little part of my brain that keeps worrying that maybe that was it. Maybe those under 30 pounds are what I get from this surgery. I know that's almost certainly not true, but I just wish that part of my brain would hush up.
I just hate doing everything right and having it not work. I have read through a lot of week 3 stall posts to try and keep myself from being discouraged. I am not going to give up, but I would love if anyone had recommendations of things they do when they start feeling frustrated about a stall. I am gonna make it through this and come out on the other side finally freaking losing again.
Anyway, I know it's been ranted about 100 times over, but I just needed to get it out somewhere.
Less than 12 hours until my surgery. Only a bit under nine and a half hours until I need to be at the medical center.
I want to be super excited, but I find I am just EXHAUSTED from work and clear liquid diet (I can't seem to find much of anything with protein that is clear and liquid). I feel like I could sleep for days.
Next time I talk to you guys, I will be sleeved! See you on the other side!
I am not going to lie. I hate Mondays. And it's not just Mondays, it is really just whatever day starts the week off. I have had Mondays off here and there, but this is the first Monday I have been able to relax, kick back, and enjoy me. No worries of work the next day, no chores around the house (I finished those pre-op!), no school work to start. I have just been able to focus on my health and supporting my new lifestyle.
I walked around the yard a number of times today. I got to take in all the flowers that are blooming - although sadly many of them have died due to the lack of rain. I got to listen to the birds, watch my dogs run around and have fun, and get in some good old sunlight vitamin D.
I am not having as much pain as I had been having. I realize I have not updated this blog since I was still pre-op. I will write a synopsis of my immediate post-op experiences later on, as I am currently battling sleep. I am able to move up and down out of the chair easily now. I only am waking up once or twice a night, and not every time needing pain medicine.
I am really taking the time to enjoy my foods. I don't know how long it has been since I made a meal really last. Today I had some homemade chicken soup broth and it lasted me like 45 minutes for just a small 4oz glass. It really was incredible and I felt totally satisfied afterward. Before surgery that would have been down in a matter of minutes and I would have been wanting more immediately. Even after a whole bowl I may not have been satisfied.
I guess I just wanted to take a minute to share that even in just the first week after surgery, I am appreciating my life more. I am only looking forward to all the great things I will continue to rediscover in my life =)
I hope everyone is doing well! I'll update more later.
I dunno why, but I thought that today was going to be the day. I have been trying so hard to be positive and keep my head up. I feel so discouraged. I know that I've made progress in other places. And yes, I have been staying away from the scale as much as I can, but 17 days? Really? I expected a week, two weeks, but three weeks or more? Aughhhhhhh. I feel like I'm doing something wrong and just not seeing what it is. I walk every day, I have upped my calories a little, I have decreased them a little, I have added more protein, heck I have tried getting over 100g of protein to see if that helps, I am like drowning myself in water, I have decreased my carbs, am keeping my fat down. And the scale won't budge, not a bit. I feel like I should throw the stupid scale in the trash can. I have taken measurements, lost no inches. I am eating healthy things, I am following all their recommendations. Ok I'm gonna end my rant there. I just needed to vent. I know it will end someday. Maybe when I can finally add some good exercise in.
Now that I've gotten all that negativity out, I'm gonna list some positives for myself so maybe I can focus on something else today. My NSVs:
- I never huff and puff going up the stairs anymore
- I can fit into a few of my 26s
- I can walk for almost an hour
- I have been able to stay on program for an entire month now
- I have been getting in over my protein goal every day
- I have been a happier, more productive person
I go back to work tonight. I am not really looking forward to the shift (I hate working Sunday nights), but it will be nice to be back and get to see everyone. i have no clue what their reactions will be. I'm not sure if word made it around, but I bet it did.
Yesterday I bought cardio ballet by one of the girls who was on DWTS. I never watched the show, but I came across the dvd on Amazon and it seemed like it'd be something fun to do when I am cleared to work out, which will probably be just around the time that it arrives.
It's been interesting looking back over my entries on this blog along with the journal that I keep intermittently on my computer. I think that it's chronicled not only the weight loss side of my journey, but a portion on my journey through my mental illness in relationship to my weight.
I started seeing a therapist last week. I probably should have sooner, and for anyone who has any kind of mental health disorder and is thinking about/having/had the surgery and even some of those who don't have a mental health disorder, it is something I would definitely recommend.
I have struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager and it has huge ties to my weight, so it's definitely relevant for me to have new issues as well as old issues cropping up as I continue to lose weight. It's funny because before surgery I reminded myself a number of times that weight loss was not a catch all for solving many of the problems that I have. Weight loss is just that - a loss of weight to increase my health.
I am now at 233 (lowest I have seen is 232) and still losing steadily, although much slower than before. Some days I feel like my entire life has changed, others I feel like I'm still left standing in the same place. Half of the time I cannot see the weight loss in the mirror. I can see it in the pictures, I hear it from the people around me, but there's this mental disconnect between that and the person I see in the mirror. I fit into smaller pants and my measurements shrink, but my waist still looks the same size (though one side of my stomach is bigger than the other, apparently I have some scar tissue or something holding my left side at a little bit larger around the stomach). I think this is one of my biggest struggles in regards to motivation.
So now that I'm approximately five months out, I'd like to take a minute for myself to outline what I think are the good and the bad that I've experienced from this surgery and from my journey over the past five months.
Good:
- Moving down from size 28 tight pants to size 22 slightly tight pants
- Hearing my coworker tell me today that I look like half of the person I used to be and that I now have a baby face
- Being told by my boyfriend that from the back waist up I look like I was never heavy to begin with, supposedly I now have a thin frame
- Having my mom notice that you can see my cheek bones
- Not being out of breath when trying to keep up with my classmates
- Having my smaller scrubs be too big and baggy
- Having my boyfriend be able to wrap his arms almost all the way around me (like almost back to himself)
- Having a boyfriend who is amazing (Yes, I attribute meeting him to the confidence I gained after surgery)
- Being able to walk up flights of stairs without being winded
- Being able to shave my legs without feeling like I'm doing some weird acrobatics
- Every time I realize something new fits
- Being able to sit next to someone on a bus and not feel like they are crossing their fingers I don't sit next to them
- Having a ton of extra length on my seatbelt
- Realizing I have collar bones and bones in my shoulders
- Being able to see the bones/tendons in my hands
- Having my rings fit every finger
- Feeling like people look at me instead of through me
- Not feeling like the largest person in every room
- Hitting the high end of projected weight loss by my doctor and still continuing to lose
- Not seeing a 3 on the beginning number of the scale
- Having lost something like 20% body fat according to my scale
- Not having to clear my plate out of anxiety at social settings
- Being cold at night instead of sweating my butt off (I prefer blankets to fans)
- Not feeling like the first thing people see is my weight
- Feeling comfortable enough in my body to have sex with the lights on and no covers
- Being able to reach my toes without doing weird bending manuvers
- Being able to paint my toenails
- The relief of not being at imminent risk of diabetes at 25
- Being able to fit in the bathroom stall and not always having to seek out the handicapped one
- The periods of increased confidence
- Feeling like I am moving on in my life
Bad:
- Hormonal imbalances - increases in mood swings, neediness, clingyness, irritability
- Saggy skin
- Lack of motivation to: Work out, take vitamins, get in protein - I struggle daily to fight my noncompliance
- Fatigue (Probably related in part to intermittent compliance with vitamins and protein)
- Anxiety related to the possibility of ever gaining the weight back
- Alcoholism could easily become a problem - I have to stay away from it completely
- Dealing with feelings rather than being able to turn to food for comfort
So the goods obviously outweigh the bads by far. And many of the downsides are either related to mental health issues that were already present and have started to reoccur or lack of compliance with my plan. I have tried to start schedules for myself and that's one of the things I will be working on with my therapist. I have always had issues with compliance - and the biggest thing I need to do is make sure that I get all of my medicines and vitamins in, because I feel 110% better when I do.
So my New Years resolutions will include:
- Setting a day out every month to increase my compliance through scheduling, setting short term goals, and recognizing where my weaknesses have been
- Increasing my exercise
- Tracking my protein
- Not allowing myself to justify that bad foods are ok because I can only have 2 bites anyway (2 bites four times a week still adds up)
That was kind of long and rambley. Anyway, I hope that it helps others who might be looking into this and have some of the same mental health issues to maybe understand what it's like on the other side so that maybe they can prepare a little better and be able to manage some of the barriers to health better than I have.
I don't really come on the forums as much anymore, but I'd like to keep a record for both myself and those who are looking through posts to find information about surgery. So I'm trying to at least keep my blog updated once in a while.
I had my 3 month appointment last month, which went well. According to my labs I am high on Vitamin D, so I'll be stopping my supplements. I am also low on my Vitamin A, which kinda surprised me because I never really considered it would be something I'd be low on, so I am going to be taking a supplement for that for a while. Aside from that I guess everything was good. I haven't actually gotten a copy of my labs yet, I'm waiting for them in the mail, so when I do get them I'll have a better idea of where I'm at.
My weight loss has continued steadily. I am down 76.2 pounds now. It's hard to believe really. There are days I feel thinner and there are days that I feel like I'm still the 325 pound person in the mirror. It's trippy to fit into new clothes but not see the difference when you look in the mirror. I am solidly in size 24s and just on the verge of being able to fit into some 22s.
I have not been following the diet as well as I should. I know that I have not been getting in enough protein lately, so that's something that I'm actively working on. I also have not been doing workouts, but I have been walking a lot. School has been busy, and I've been going to stay with the guy I am seeing almost every weekend, which means I am almost never home nowadays. I need to make it a priority again. I don't think I get enough in to eat in general. I have not regained any of my hunger, which is a great thing for my weight loss, but it makes me at high risk for being tempted to skip meals when I'm busy. I have been doing better the past week or two, but it's very easy to slip into the "I don't feel like eating" thought process nowadays. It's really kinda strange because I never imagined it was even physically possible for me to turn into one of those people who just didn't really care if they ate. But I don't.
I have had my period for almost 4 months straight now. It started a week or two after surgery and I've had maybe one week off of it. It's not heavy like a normal period, it's on and off moderate/light, but it's annoying. My gyno thinks that it's all the hormones and the fact that my pcp told me I could use 2 nuvarings in a row without having a period. She sent me for an ultrasound to make sure there was nothing else that could be causing it and they think I might have a cyst on my right ovary that they're going to take another look at in 4-6 months when I have lost more weight, but that there wasn't anything that would increase my bleeding. I've got my fingers crossed that it will stop any day now. I think it has been one of the hardest parts of the surgery for me. It's physically and mentally taxing to be on your period 24/7. I know this is probably TMI, but I wanted to vent a little!
My life has been good. Things are going pretty well with the guy that I've been seeing, which has been great. He loves to share meals with me, which I think is fantastic. School has been crazy. I am doing pretty well though, and I just can't wait for this semester to be over. I am really not cut out to be a pediatric or ob nurse. While I have had a ton of really interesting experiences this semester, I am ready to go back to adult care. I never thought I'd say it, but I kinda miss medsurg (I know I'm gonna be eating those words next semester). Anyway, overall things are great, I love my life, and I'm gonna keep working on keeping myself on track. Can I just say, VSG changed my life in a way I never thought possible. This Thanksgiving it is one of the things I am endlessly thankful for. Thank you modern medicine.
Life has been pretty busy lately. Between school and work and having issues, there hasn't been a lot of time that I've been posting on here. I think it's been detrimental to me, so I wanted to post more. To warn you, this is going to be a bit of a rant, because I like to get stuff off my chest.
I am starting to realize that my body has a pattern - and I hate it. It only wants to lose weight while I'm on my period. Not good since I was hoping I could continue my birth control through and get rid of a few periods every year. I am not losing on weeks that I am not on my period - despite having whole days of bleeding when I'm not on my period. It's so freaking lame. I am eating the right things. I am getting out doing stuff in my life and yet the scale is going up again and then wobbling, just like it did the stupid last stall. Am I going to go through this three weeks out of every month and only have one loss week per month? I really hope not, it's super discouraging.
I am not even losing inches now. I was like well maybe since a couple weeks ago I've lost some inches. Nope. Zip. Zero. None. All my clothes fit exactly the same. =((( Come on body! Give me a break here! I eat like 1/1000 of what I used to, can we get back to losing??
Well, today is 5 days preop and I am going this afternoon to get supplies for my surgery. I want to be prepared! Liquid diet day 1 went awesome, I was a little weak about 9pm when I wanted to order Jimmy John's at work, but I resisted! It definitely takes a toll on your energy though. I am beat.
Off to the store, I'll update more later when I get off from work at 9 =)
So, this is the eve of PAT. Finally, it is almost here.
I am trying not to feel nervous. I took CdnExpat's suggestion and made a list with all the outcomes I could think of, and what I would do. It decreased my anxiety a bit.
I spent the day cleaning my house. I was worried that today was going to last forever and I had a bunch that needed to be done anyway, so I got a ridiculous amount done. Aside from the regular vacuuming and dusting, I also cleaned out a bunch of stuff in my room that I didn't need anymore. I had an entire closet full of old shoes that I never wear. I also redid the corkboard that I have in my room. I put some new pictures that I drew on it, as well as some fun things I had laying around. It made me feel good to be so productive. Plus, there is the added bonus of the fact that my room is now clean enough that I feel comfortable having friends/family come in if I need some help.
My cats are thrilled that my room is cleared out some, they love to crash on the plush carpet I have in there.
Anyway, so weirdly enough today was on and off relaxing. I surfed a bunch of songs I had stored on SoundHound while I worked.
Tomorrow is going to be a super long day (PAT at 730am and work 3-11pm) and I want to get the chance to look through some posts and respond, Thanks again for all the kind words, they helped a lot yesterday with my frustration. Hope everyone is having a good day too =)
Today is day 19 of my week 3 stall and I'm trying hard not to let it drive me nuts - which is difficult because my hormones are going insane. I have not felt this moody is a long time. It doesn't help that my period has come at least three times this month for a few days each time and I think this is my second full period since surgery. There are also things going on in my life that are just not conducive to feeling good. I don't really feel like getting into them, but it's just friend stuff.
I thought that getting a new scale that had a few weeks delivery that it would be long enough that my body would finally lose, but my new scale arrived over the weekend and I'm still in this stall, so I think I gave up today and put the scale away. It just makes me feel like I'm that one person who will never lose a significant amount of weight - which I logically know is nonsense. I'm sure that the added stress of it is making me retain even more weight, so at this point it's a why bother thing.
I am trying my best to stay positive, but I think I need to ask my psychiatrist if I can increase my medication for a while. With all these crazy hormones I just feel like I need something more. She said that we definitely could post-surgery. She also said that I can start an antidepressant if I need to at some point, but I don't think that's necessary yet. I'm hoping a few weeks and I'll get back into school and things will level out a bit. I think it's combining with my anxiety about the school year starting.
I had my first day back at work on Sunday night and it was awful. I couldn't get in any water and since we do not get any kind of break, I could barely get anything in. It was so ridiculously busy and every customer was mad. I started to get pretty painful on my side and so I took some tylenol liquid and then I think my blood sugar plummeted because I felt really light headed. I grabbed some muscle milk, which we thankfully carry and got a few sips in, which helped a little. I wish that in customer service people actually realized that we're human too. Sometimes I feel like they expect me to be a robot.
I haven't felt like eating today. I know I haven't gotten even close to enough of anything in. I think I might just get in another protein shake and head to bed for the night. Maybe if I just let today be bad and get it in my head that tomorrow will be a good day, I will feel better when I wake up.
TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER! I will end my rant now, but it feels good to get it off my chest.
This is my first entry in a blog in a very long time. I am not one to keep up with writing every day, but I'd like to make an effort to throughout my journey. I think that not only will I appreciate having a chronicle of my life to look back on, but that it will help me explore the feelings that come up through this process. So I guess a good place to start is an introduction to myself and my journey thus far.
Unlike most people on this website, I have not been in the process of trying to get my vertical sleeve for almost a year. The decision has been made for months, but only recently have I been able to afford it/had the ability to get time off work/school. However, the insurance that will cover the procedure ends at the end of this month (I am covered under a family member's plan and am limited in my ability to have an impact on which insurance I am covered under), and my surgeon's office has been very accommodating in helping make this a reality for me before I lose the benefits that will cover the surgery. I will be covered by another insurance plan post-op so I will still have any issues/follow-up covered, just their coverage is far stricter in terms of what they cover for weight loss surgery.
Because of this difference in circumstances, everything has been kind of abbreviated so far. I have a lengthy pre-op appointment on Tuesday, July 24th to have final blood work and other measurements taken to ensure I am well for surgery. I have no significant comorbidities that threaten to complicate the surgery. I was tested for low thyroid last year, so while it does run in my family, it's not something that I have yet. I completed my pysch eval on Tuesday, July 3rd. I do see a psychiatrist regularly, and if I was going to recommend something for anyone who has actually had treatment would be to stay with either your doctor if they can do evals or see if there is another doctor in the area they recommend. I chose my evaluating psychologist based on who could get me in the soonest so I could get my paperwork done. It made my evaluation more difficult and stressful than it should have been. My surgeon is not requiring me to do a cardiac stress test or whatnot based on my age and lack of any past health problems. I got the feeling from their scheduling department that the pre-op appointment may include quite a bit of testing (Maybe EKG, etc) but they have not detailed the exact tests they will be doing. I am already aware that this means post-op may be a little difficult due to less time preparing, but I am following up after surgery with continual therapy, nutritional counseling, and am currently looking for a support group to join in the area (Plus this website's support).
So I suppose a little about me would be helpful for my background too. I am in my mid 20's and I am about halfway through school to become a nurse. I live in Michigan, although I dream of eventually being able to move to North Carolina =) I have been overweight all of my life, and morbidly obese for probably the last 5-7 years. I have done many different diets and have had mixed success. For a long period of time I did weight watchers and lost quite a bit, but keeping it off has always been a struggle.
I spent a long time when I was younger with the view that surgery was "The easy way out" which is something that I've heard over the past few months from a couple family/friends. It's interesting how as you grow (both physically and mentally) how your view point changes. I think my turning point came somewhere a year or so ago when I realized that this isn't about a competition or some kind of badge to lose weight, it's about whatever route works for you to get to a place where you are physically healthy enough to participate in life and decrease the likelihood of an early death or disease condition. Once in a while the comment about it being easy (Because surgery is not a 100% guarantee, it's a tool to help) still gets to me, but if I take the time to remember why I felt that way and that the people I'm talking to may not understand how it feels, I usually feel better about it.
Today:
Today I'm feeling about 4/10 on an anxiety scale. I know that I shouldn't be, because I have faith that things will work out, but I'm worried about the pre testing. I know that if they did find something that it would be in my best interest to not have surgery until getting it corrected, but with my insurance changing and the small window I have to get it done, it's something that's hard to keep out of my mind. On the other hand, I am incredibly excited to have even the chance at an opportunity to turn my life around.
My surgeon does not require a pre-op diet, but I have decided that getting myself on a modified version of post-op diet food will be helpful in building both a better understanding of what the post-op diet consists of, the habit of eating these foods, and the momentum of having already been on this path. I have been eating better for the past few months, but I am generally not a big person for protein shakes, so I've been working at least one in every two days for breakfast, and today I have moved to 2 daily. I have to admit, I have been surprised about how filling the shakes have been. Right now I am supplementing a whey protein mix with soy milk or skim milk depending on what we have had here at home. I am in the process of looking for a more well rounded meal replacement shake, and my clinic does offer some that I will be taking a look into on Tuesday.
I have a problem that I'm hoping others may be able to shed some light on for me. I have been making sure to get in my vitamins, and I know that vitamin d is essential to your body. It's something that we often find people low in here in my state, and I know that it's very possible that I am not at an optimal level either. So I have always made an effort to get some in my diet and in supplement. Unfortunately, vitamin d makes me NAUSEOUS. At first I thought it might be the combination calcium/vitamin d (Which I know you're supposed to take together) since that only has 400iu of vitamin d in it, but I tried vitamin d on it's own, and it is absolutely the vitamin d. Anything over 400iu and I will get nauseous to the point of getting sick. Does anyone have this problem? Any suggestions or ideas how you get in your vitamin d/calcium with this issue?
