You have to admit we have been through some funny stuff. There are all kinds of indignities to being overweight. But the stuff we have gone through in our VSG journey - all in the name of beauty - are above and beyond the norm.
I will do an entire post on the rope-down-the-nose test, but that was one of the weirdest things I have ever had to do. And I am convinced that the doctor knew what he was doing when he picked a cute, incredibly personable young lady for that job. 'Cause I'll tell you one thing, if she was not sweet, funny and personable, I would have strangled her with my slime covered nose rope. BLECH.
Or when the nurse, in getting me up to walk around the hospital floor at 10:30 at night was having to fix my gown. I do not know what she was doing back there but (no pun intended) it seemed to take a long time and my fanny was cold.
So, I will post here, as I am not sure that my silly humor is always appreciated by unsuspecting readers when I reply on the various forums.
Okay, so here is the deal. This whole Spanx entry started when I added a dumb joke about the guy who has to wear a girdle ever since his wife found it in his car. Sort of caught with something you should not have, so you make up an excuse - in this case "It's mine."
So I tell the dumb joke and start looking at the Spanx website (purely for research mind you). And guess what? now I am constantly getting pop-ups for Spanx on my computer. So what is the big deal? We all get pop-ups. Sure, but have you ever walked back into your office to find your young assistant copying files for you on a two monitor set-up.... and look to the left and see as big as Texas a Spanx pop-up on the other screen.
If she saw it (which certainly she did) she did not say anything. And I sure as HE(( was not going to say anything! Anything - even an acknowledgement would have made it worse.
So now everyone at work that sees my new svelte self is going to simply assume that I am not losing weight, I am just buying tighter ladies under garments!!!
Thanks SPANX, now everyone thinks I am a secret cross dresser.
There ought to be rules on pop-ups - just because I looked at something on the web, does not mean I want 100's of related ads coming unsolicited to my computer screen. Thank goodness she did not see the ads for "Russian mail order brides" or "How to be a male pole dancer DVD collection." I guess I got off lucky.
Spanx -
This all started when I decided to put a dumb joke on a forum post. The question was a serious one, about when you could start wearing Spanz again after surgery. So I added a version of the age old joke, and it was well received:
A guy is undressing at the country club and his friend notices he is wering a pink girdle. He asks when his friend stated wearing a girdle. His friend replied, "Ever since my wife found it in my car."
And since I now have a good bit of extra skin around the old equator, I thought, maybe I should see if there is something like that for me. Well, it turns out that there is and soooo much more.
I do not see myself as the kind of guy that needs or would wear a pair of briefs with butt enhancers, but it is good to know that if I need them, they are out there - in three color options and an entire array of various lifts. I guess I am lucky in that my butt looks pretty much like it should (I guess). So I do not see this as a necessary accessory. I do think it is funny that you can get different lifts, like determining how high you want to jack up the rear end of your car.
If you do not know, Spanx actually has a brand for men called "Manx." It is very expensive. A "compression T-shirt" is 88 bucks. Seems a bit high since it is still 80% cotton. The other 20 percent must be stainless steel if it is going to hold me in...
Now about the briefs. There is way too much enhancement going on. Not to be rude, and I understand that men come in all sizes and that goes for each and every part. Again I guess I am lucky there as well. But unlike other things I do not need, I do not see the point of these. This is one area that it seems like if your plans are successful, your secret is going to be out.
Finally, what is with the models? The people that are wearing these things do not need them. I get it. You have to sell sexy. But a guy buying a pair of underwear designed to squeeze in his gut like a boa constrictor does not want to see a 30" waisted model wearing it. I need to see if it works. I want to see a big guy in it. I do not need to see smooth tanned sexy abs rippling through the spandex like ... (sorry got carried away there). Give me a good trucker, or a lumberjack, not a super model. With a shaved chest no less... I have chest hair, but I do not shave them - either of them!! Granted, on the man's thong page (which I was only visiting for academic reasons) the super models are nice, but for the shapers ... we need more offensive linemen and less tight ends. (pun intended)
Finally, I will admit that you ladies are awesome for wearing some of these things. They look very constricting. And some go from your ankles to your neck line. If I did that I would either have size 25 feet or have 25 chins looking like a badly folded cheap pink turtleneck. You can only squeeze so much, it has to go somewhere. You gals can let it all move upward and enhance the bustline. We do not have that option. Maybe they could squeeze it down far enough and around the corner and make a combination waist reducer and butt enhancer.
So I guess I just need to order one and see how it looks. Who knows? Maybe it will take the giggle out of my middle, until I get it down to where I want it to be.
The Most Evil of all Man’s Inventions -
When we were getting larger, the scale was an evil evil device. It was originally designed by man to assist in the development of early commerce, but over time it took on a new and insidious venture. It became the device that quantified what we already knew - we were getting bigger. It was not a secret. We knew it. We knew we were not eating right and could tell we were getting bigger. But as long as those elastic waists and comfort fit pants hung in there, we could kid ourselves into believing that it was not that much weight gained. It was all so vague and easy to ignore.
But the evil scale ruined all that. That "couple of pounds" we had gained since last summer was actually 14.7 pounds!!! And what total chucklehead decided we needed a decimal point on a bathroom scale? What an idiot. I am not a pharmacist carefully measuring out a deadly drug. I am just a fat guy on a bathroom scale. The size of the number is bad enough, the decimal is just sort of an insult. "I weigh 277." Scale: "No, actually you weigh 277.6!" GRRRRRRRR, Stupid scale! I will tell you where you can put that .6 pounds….
BUT NOW….
I have come to reconsider my position -- and being down 50+ pounds has everything to do with it. That decimal point is an amazing and important invention. When I lose .6 pounds, you can bet I want to know all about it!! Don’t be depriving me of my 9.600 ounces of hard earned weight loss! I did not just go to the bathroom, dry my hair, clean out my ears, burp, get naked and take off my glasses to get some vague estimate!!!
I have concluded that the scale is, in fact, not inherently evil. I have come to this based on recent events. Since I have had my surgery I have noticed something amazing that I had never noticed before. It may have been there all along, but I just did not know it. Maybe you knew….but until just recently, I did not know that ….. (wait for it) …..
The scale can actually go DOWN!!!!
Here are three great scale jokes!!!
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "Now I can see the numbers."
______
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What’s it for?" one asked.
"I don’t know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it, and it makes you mad…at least it does that for my Dad."
______
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry with him. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 250 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. It was not big enough to be the sports car she demanded, so she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
ARE WE LAUGHING YET!!!!!!!
Before my surgery, I used to stop at Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW) on my way home from work. I work many many hours (70+ a week or more) so I come home late a lot. I got in the habit of stopping off at BWW on the way home for a few. But I had a system - Here was my thinking -
(1) Tuesday is wing night with discount prices - 40% off means 40% off, so I ate an extra 40% of wings for the same calories. I am pretty sure that is the 4th law of thermo dynamics. I could be wrong. I think it depends on the sauce (go with "hot" flavor to get all of Einstein's relativity benefits, I know he is not the king of Thermodyanics, but you always get points for dropping his name)
(2) Then if you used a discount card, or had a gift card, they were "FREE" - well, those don't count…
(3) And we all know that all the calories are in the bones, so getting boneless wings was practically like eating lettuce.
Well, here was the problem. BWW was a smoking establishment – so I would come home smoky and the wife would ask, “Did you stop at Buffalo?” to which I would say no! Since she was obviously referring to a small town in upstate New York. And I had not been THERE!
Nonetheless, busted is busted.
Until, the great god of fried chicken intervened. They did a huge bar remodel and in order to get the building permit, they had to go No-smoking inside. Wheeeee! Now I am in high cotton. I can stop off and not get caught.
Of course, the sleeve surgery drastically changed my eating and beer consumption habits. So I was not covered in mango hanenero or Asian Zing sauce anymore. And not having a “few” beers. But I could still hang with my late night buds, tell horrible lies about all kinds of things – like girls, and golf handicaps, and girls, and how much money we make and girls… (we talk a lot about girls- go figure)
But like all great things, there was a catch. And we are going to get just a bit 12 year old boy potty humor here (or as I like to call it) unexpected sleeve side-affects.
Here is the deal – and tell me if I am a freak or weird (in this way only, I know I am an odd ball) – About 30 days after surgery I had a change in my “habits?” I have become North America’s 2nd largest producer of methane gas, second only to the entire US cattle industry. And of course as a guy, this is not a drawback – it is something to be proud of.
Also it is a useful tool. Dog in the bed, not being still? No problem, I can get him to leave without even rolling over. Trapped in a frozen cabin in Alaska? I can keep a family of 6 warm for over a week (assuming they survive).
So, the problem … Came home late, had a “bit” of gas the next morning (knocked both dogs out of the bed) – but more importantly – “the cloud”, honest to goodness, had a distinct mango hanenero “after burn.”
I was busted again. TWO FRICKIN’ NAKED (GRILLED) TENDERS AND AN ICE TEA –
Unfortunately, you cannot blame wing sauce on a dog.
I took out the trash and washed her car twice…. HOPE YOU ARE LAUGHING..... LIFE IS TOO SHORT NOT TO LAUGH - ESPECIALLY AT ME.
Before my surgery, I used to stop at Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW) on my way home from work. I work many many hours (70+ a week or more) so I come home late a lot. I got in the habit of stopping off at BWW on the way home for a few. But I had a system - Here was my thinking -
(1) Tuesday is wing night with discount prices - 40% off means 40% off, so I ate an extra 40% of wings for the same calories. I am pretty sure that is the 4th law of thermo dynamics. I could be wrong.
(2) Then if you used a discount card, or had a gift card, they were "FREE" - well, those don't count…
(3) And we all know that all the calories are in the bones, so getting boneless wings was practically like eating lettuce.
Well, here was the problem. BWW was a smoking establishment – so I would come home smoky and the wife would ask, “Did you stop at Buffalo?” to which I would say no! Since she was obviously referring to a small town in upstate New York. And I had not been THERE!
Nonetheless, busted is busted.
Until, the great good of fried chicken intervened. They did a huge bar remodel and in order to get the building permit, they had to go No-smoking inside. Wheeeee! Now I am in high cotton. I can stop off and not get caught.
Of course, the sleeve surgery drastically changed my eating and beer consumption habits. So I was not covered in mango hanenero or Asian Zing sauce anymore. And not having a “few” beers. But I could still hang with my late night buds, tell horrible lies about all kinds of things – like girls, and golf handicaps, and girls, and how much money we make and girls… (we talk a lot about girls- go figure)
But like all great things, there was a catch. And we are going to get just a bit 12 year old boy potty humor here (or as I like to call it) unexpected sleeve side-affects.
Here is the deal – and tell me if I am a freak or weird (in this way only, I know I am an odd ball) – About 30 days after surgery I had a change in my “habits?” I have become North America’s 2nd largest producer of methane gas, second only to the entire US cattle industry. And of course as a guy, this is not a drawback – it is something to be proud of.
Also it is a useful tool. Dog in the bed, not being still? No problem, I can get him to leave without even rolling over. Trapped in a frozen cabin in Alaska? I can keep a family of 6 warm for over a week (assuming they survive).
So, the problem … Came home late, had a “bit” of gas the next morning (knocked both dogs out of the bed) – but more importantly – “the cloud”, honest to goodness, had a distinct mango hanenero “after burn.”
I was busted again. TWO FRICKIN’ NAKED (GRILLED) TENDERS AND AN ICE TEA –
Unfortunately, you cannot blame wing sauce on a dog.
I took out the trash and washed her car twice….
Before my surgery, I used to stop at Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW) on my way home from work. I work many many hours (70+ a week or more) so I come home late a lot. I got in the habit of stopping off at BWW on the way home for a few. But I had a system - Here was my thinking -
(1) Tuesday is wing night with discount prices - 40% off means 40% off, so I ate an extra 40% of wings for the same calories. I am pretty sure that is the 4th law of thermo dynamics. I could be wrong.
(2) Then if you used a discount card, or had a gift card, they were "FREE" - well, those don't count…
(3) And we all know that all the calories are in the bones, so getting boneless wings was practically like eating lettuce.
Well, here was the problem. BWW was a smoking establishment – so I would come home smoky and the wife would ask, “Did you stop at Buffalo?” to which I would say no! Since she was obviously referring to a small town in upstate New York. And I had not been THERE!
Nonetheless, busted is busted.
Until, the great good of fried chicken intervened. They did a huge bar remodel and in order to get the building permit, they had to go No-smoking inside. Wheeeee! Now I am in high cotton. I can stop off and not get caught.
Of course, the sleeve surgery drastically changed my eating and beer consumption habits. So I was not covered in mango hanenero or Asian Zing sauce anymore. And not having a “few” beers. But I could still hang with my late night buds, tell horrible lies about all kinds of things – like girls, and golf handicaps, and girls, and how much money we make and girls… (we talk a lot about girls- go figure)
But like all great things, there was a catch. And we are going to get just a bit 12 year old boy potty humor here (or as I like to call it) unexpected sleeve side-affects.
Here is the deal – and tell me if I am a freak or weird (in this way only, I know I am an odd ball) – About 30 days after surgery I had a change in my “habits?” I have become North America’s 2nd largest producer of methane gas, second only to the entire US cattle industry. And of course as a guy, this is not a drawback – it is something to be proud of.
Also it is a useful tool. Dog in the bed, not being still? No problem, I can get him to leave without even rolling over. Trapped in a frozen cabin in Alaska? I can keep a family of 6 warm for over a week (assuming they survive).
So, the problem … Came home late, had a “bit” of gas the next morning (knocked both dogs out of the bed) – but more importantly – “the cloud”, honest to goodness, had a distinct mango hanenero “after burn.”
I was busted again. TWO FRICKIN’ NAKED (GRILLED) TENDERS AND AN ICE TEA –
Unfortunately, you cannot blame wing sauce on a dog.
I took out the trash and washed her car twice….
Best Andy Rooney imitation…."Have you ever notice the great names that people have chosen for their screen names on this site? Well, I have …"
There are some great ones. And I noticed a number of trends that I though were a bit interesting. After taking a bit of a survey I came to two conclusions. First, I picked a boring name, and second, I should share some of the names I found. So here goes…
Common themes in the names:
Being a Mom, such as:
Momieof 3
Kalimomof 3
and the highest child count I saw "mommyto5" (or as I like to call it, "someone needs to get the cable TV repaired"
Being married/attached, such as: "Steveswife," etc.
Hobbies and loves, such as: "animal lover," "golden retriever lover," "beachlover," "candle lady," "dolphin lover," and "hulahoopaholic."
Ready for a change, such as
Ready2Bthin
need2change
ontheroad2thin
thinnerbeginings
4alongerlife
Ibthin
Skinny2B
Acknowledging large size, such as
heafty hannah
Biged
Imafatty
cutechubbygirl
phatmom
Megamom
BustNout
Going to look great, such as:
futureskinnyperson
soon2Bhotmomma
Fat2Fab
Ready4newme
halfthewoman
Members we should avoid on a bad cravings day, such as:
Stormwarning
TwistedMom
Diana Dominate
stinker
MY FAVORITES - FUNNY, CUTE, INSIGHTFUL…
Chubarella, Slenderella and Sleeverella (they must be sisters!)
Sleevealicious
BigByrd
TexMax
Xxstacy
SexiiLexi
SlimThickens
Boobie1981 (wonder why this one appeals to me? I must really like 1981!!)
looking on the lightside
thinnerpeace
Ysettleforless
first half fat
thishastowork
moving toward normal
speedbump
After looking at this, I wish I picked a cooler name. I have had the nickname of Special K since high school (Eddie Murphy Saturday Night Live skit about Buckwheat, and family members named after cereals - "My cousin Special K, he's retarded".... my friends thought it was hilarious and it stuck for some 35 years). So add the nickname to my birth year (very clever and unique, I know) and you get a boring screen name.
I wish I was:
Needs A new belt
Yum another shake!
Wannaseemy scars
realmenhavedrains
No I neverget bored of liquids
solidfoodhater
I miss my beer
gravy comes from God
undertall
So, what are your favorites that you have seen - or just want to make up.
Let's have some fun people.
I try to post a few times a week, so follow this blog, and you will know every time I post something else dumb (I mean funny ?!?)
Here are some good diet jokes - send me yours...
I don't exercise at all. If God had wanted me to touch my toes
He would have put them up higher on my body!
Time to Diet:
1. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
2. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
3. You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
4. You get a paper cut and gravy comes out
Wife to her overweight husband: Last night there were two pieces of cake in this pantry and now there is only one. How do you explain that?
Husband: I guess it was so dark that I didn't see the other piece.
Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Bruno and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in weight."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
"Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
I'M ON A 90 DAY WONDER DIET. THUS FAR, I'VE LOST 45 DAYS.
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
Although I thought was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.
Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"
"One," she retorted.
Love to laugh - hope you do too.
So I have been gone (off-site) for nearly a year. Why you ask? Darn good question. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I enjoyed writing my silly dribble and discussing my experiences with others - even if from a bit unusual view. So, what the heck. I was on my e-mail and saw a posting from way back was getting a number of responses, so I figured, that although I think outside the box, maybe I have something to add - a different perspective. I am highly educated AND still cram science text books just for fun, so I get the science/medical side of what we are discussing, but also think a video of a kid in the tub making "bubbles" is hilarious. We all the time marvel at how children maintain their awe and honesty and all the positive attributes of childhood and wonder why, we as adults, no longer have that - well trust me it is not that hard - just refuse to grow up. Work for everyone? I do not know. Work for me? - ABSOLUTELY! GOOD TO BE BACK!! IF YOU NEED ME I WILL BE IN THE TUB - 'NUFF SAID.
In keeping with my juvenile and silly sense of humor, I have to share this. I saw something today that made me laugh out loud.
What surprises me is that I had read it before and did not think for a minute it was all that funny. But when I read it today I bust out laughing. Here goes.
On one of the forums someone wanted to encourage another member to take charge of a particular aspect of her diet. She used the saying "time to put on your big girl panties."
"Big girl panties?" On a weight loss website? That is a level of irony that is just hilarious. Completely unintended. But funny. Now if we could get someone to work in a "lunch lady brasserie" joke, we would have the perfect website.
There is a comedian that talks about how even as an adult he laughs everytime he squirts out the shampoo and it makes a PPHHFFLLTT sound. Well, I guess I am like that. There are two things I have seen on here that just made me think like a 12 year old...
1. In a perfectly serious and nice forum post one user posted "It is official, I am in a stall." Then she went on to describe her frustration at her weight not moving at all for like 2 weeks. Definitely a stall and a very frustrating one. Nothing to laugh at....... Well, all I could think of when I first read the headline was that she was stuck in a public bathroom somewhere. I can just see me stuck in a bathroom - and being the goof that I am - I would text something like....It's official, I'm in a stall!. Sorta had to be there, but I thought it was funny
2. The one thing that really cracks me up... and I am dying - literally dying - to be able to use this on some unsuspecting person. In this very specific subject website we have our own vocabulary that no one else uses (foamies, sliming, etc.) And we all know what we mean because there is such a fine and narrow context built into all of our posts. However, we fling around the terms pre-op and post-op like we own them. We do not own them. There is another very narrowly defined group that uses these very same words. And they are not talking about having your stomach cut off. They are aiming lower -much lower.
I hope I can just drop in a conversation somewhere that I am 2 months post-op with no additional information. Then just watch to see how people treat me. We all know that big people are treated different. But I can only imagine that if people thought I had just gone through surgery to change my "accessories." That would be hilarious. I couls also probably answer questions honestly. Did it hurt? no. How long were you in the hospital? not long. Do you feel different? oh yes!! Do people treat you differently? yes. Was your family supportive? Yes, especially my wife and kids - that ought to get a look.
Then go for the total freak out. Do you want to see my incisions?
