Happy Sigh
When I started this journey to optimum health, my commitment was to exercise three times per week, get my weight into a healthy range, and find a way to change my thinking and lifetime habits so that I stayed healthy. In the end, that plan included the gastric sleeve, taking up running, and ultimately, learning to be militant and unapologetic for putting my health and self care before anyone else's needs. Something I've never been very good at doing.
This time, with my 50th birthday looming, when people asked for some of my time, I checked my workout schedule. When people wanted to meet me for business, I suggested non-food venues. If I got too busy for self care every week, I ruthlessly cut out work stuff until I did have time for myself. I've read over 100 books, been to the spa nearly every week, and managed to get my hair cut every four weeks - for the first time in my adult life.
All of which is good.
But let me tell you - it was MUCH easier to change my physical habits than my mental habits. I have spent the last 18 months fighting a mental battle that at times left me feeling weak and sick. The relentless, repetitive litany of random crap in my head, all of it negative, all of it self-critical, and all of it FALSE, made me tired. There were times that I just wanted to lie down and cover my head with a pillow. I'd wake up in the morning thinking about a scheduled run, and immediately the crap would start. An endless, inescapable demand to justify myself and really, my existence. At least it felt like it. The old caustic, hurtful tapes played over and over and over and I experienced how difficult it is to switch it off. I felt more exhausted from the mental chaos than I did from the workouts.
But I learned a few things along the way, and having just completed what feels like an incredible milestone to me, I reflected on that learning. No matter what confused, chaotic, caustic, or nasty things were happening in my head, compelling myself to physical action always made it better, and sometimes, quieted my mind completely. It is always possible to take action even when the noise in my head is deafening. It is not my brain that I need to run, it's my legs, my arms, my breath. My head just happens to come along for the ride. In other words, giving in to the head noise as if it controls my physical existence is a huge tactical error in the war with negativity. NOT going and doing the workout or self care or planned activity made the mental chaos that much louder the next time, plus the added emotional factors of disappointment and guilt. The more attention I paid to 'fighting' the thoughts, the more fighting I had to do. I gradually learned that the less importance I placed on the thoughts I didn't want, the less they bothered me. After awhile, they weren't loud enough to interrupt my thinking, and now, sometimes, they're completely absent. It gets better. The more consistent I was in following my plan of action combined with ignoring the noise in my head, the easier it got. There's no substitute for the incredible sense of satisfaction that comes from accomplishing something difficult. When I look back at the past almost 18 years since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, it's been a journey I couldn't have planned with a road map and detailed instructions. And what a trip it's been. From being fit to the uncertainty of ill health, to a wheel chair, to 'starting over,' to the Middle East, through obesity and back, to a triathlon.
Wow and wow. I have a huge sense of thankfulness for the things this journey has already taught me, and I anticipate there is more to learn.
Bring it on.
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