Last night, my fiance tells me that he saw a girl in his store who was, "about the same size as you before surgery," and when I saw her shape I thought, "Thats familiar," and then I realized in that moment looking at this girl, how much weight you've lost. How much your body has changed shape. I'm really proud of you."
After he said this, I was not sure if I felt happy or hurt. He told me, and still tells me repeatedly that he loves me no matter what shape or size I am. He tells me daily that I'm beautilful. I think I was just momentairly hurt in thinking of being large... embarassed that I was as overweight as I was. I was ashamed that he had to deal with me getting to that place. I am still struggling with self perception. I still am a chubby girl. I still have 45 pounds to lose. I feel flabby where I'm having some excess skin, and don't know if it will shrink up or not. I think maybe I need to take a picture of myself soon, and do a comparision. I haven't taken any pictures lately so I don't know how much of me I'm really seeing. I still just see a chubby girl.
I'm not sure really when it happened, I just know that I was having some amazing weeks. I was losing 5 pounds, 3 pounds, woo hoo go me. And then thud. It's TOM's fault I'm sure. It is his week to visit. Being a PCOS'er I'm not used to this, but I'm having regular periods now. Almost like clockwork every third week of the month, here comes Tom. This time, Tom brought on the funk. My hormones must have been going banannas because I was an over emotional twit. I cried at the drop of a hat, everything was touchy for me. I was grumpy one minute hating the world, and the next I was crying at the cute puppy. Crazy. So, hormones out of wack, plus being stressed out over lack of weight loss, scary hair loss, money, wedding planning, house building, and work burn out... I just wanted to curl in a ball and let the world spin on for a few weeks with out my participation.
Thankfully, Tom is packing up to move on out this month, and my hormones are getting back in place. I'm feeling back to my old happy self, and can jump back on the fitness wagon. I get really, really frustrated when these moods hit me know, because they derail me everytime. I haven't experienced one of these depressions like this one in a long, very long time. No matter how many times I told myself I had no reason to feel sad, I just wanted to cry and hide away. I'm engaged to my best friend, and I'm so in love with him! I've lost nearly 70 pounds! I have the cutest little Shih Tzu, and so smart! I'm getting my first house built! I'm moving closer to my family and old friends! Yeah... thats whats wrong.
I'm so ready for all these things to happen, that I'm wanting to turn the page on where I am right now. I'm so close to having everything that I'm not living in the present, and embracing these ending steps of this part of my journey. I'm ready to be out of my apartment, and in my house. Away from this crowded suburbian area I live in, and back to a sllightly slower rural subarbian neighborhood. I'm ready to reach my goal weight! I'm anxious too, since my NUT and doctor want me to reach it by 12/31 as my goal. I've got to really hussle if I'm going to make that happen.
Last weigh in I was 218 (pre-Tom... I refuse to weigh myself while he visits). I'm hoping to weigh myself on Sunday and see at least 215. I can't wait for one-derland! I'm sooo stinkin' close! I haven't been there as an adult.. I was close, 203 in about 2004, but never hit it. I've come a long way baby... I'm going to get there this time.
I'm angry. I think at myself. I realized that I could eat everything pretty quickly after I got on solid food again. I baby stepped each time I tried something, taking a bite or two and thats all. I'm 2.5 months out and 52 pounds down. I am ecstatic at that number. But, I've been at that number for 2 weeks, and was stuck at 47 pounds for 3 weeks just before that. I'm beyond frustrated that I'm losing so slowly now... I have 58 more to go to reach my goal. And added to my stress is that my nutrionist thinks I can hit that goal by the end of the year.... now I'm not so sure. I feel like crying because the weight loss is becoming so difficult again, and I think to myself, that PCOS is going to win... I'm forever going to be huge.
Taking a step away from myself, I think that over the last 2 weeks I've taken advantage of being able to eat everything, and I need to work on controlling that. I need to lower the carb intake again, and choose better. I need to resort back to eating like I'm scared of eating something because it could disagree with me. I was terried of bread for weeks, but then... I tried it because I was at a resturant with my boyfriend and ordered a turkey sandwich. Cutting off the crust, I could eat half a sandwich. This felt wrong... I didn't understand how I could eat a half a sandwich. I was full, but not sick and content. Pre-discovery that I could eat bread okay, I would have just eatten the insides of the sandwich. The veggies, meat and cheese, and maybe two bites of fruit on the side. Then... I started being too "normal" again. (Oh, and I still don't eat pasta or rice. I haven't had any for 3 months). I'm a sandwich girl though. I love a turkey or tuna sandwich, and gladly will eat one everyday.
Don't think I gorge on stuff. I don't eat sweets and I haven't stepped foot in a fast food resturant in more than 4 months, and the last ones I visited were Subway and Schlozky's. And I don't plan on changing that anytime soon. I'm proud of those changes in who I am. It really is just that I think, for my body, with my PCOS (insulin resistance) I'm eating too many carbs. All that weight loss happened when I was avoiding having any carbs. So, I'm going to focus on getting carbs from just fruit and incidental carbs found naturally in foods like nuts and beans. When we go out, I'll eat the insides of my sandwich and leave the bread behind. I need to just focus on making better decisions.
I'm getting my head on right again. I'm kicking bread to the curb, its no longer welcome in my world. I have to do this. I have to lose 58 more pounds and reach my goal weight. HAVE TOO!
Below are my before picture and my current picture.... I really wish I saw more of a difference.
Finally getting over my regrets and frustration. I still have some moments of was this the right decision, but those are few and far between now. I'm pretty sure that I won't even think that way in another month or so at all.
Mostly, I'm extatic that I've lost nearly 50 pounds already (I'm 6 weeks out from surgery, and that weight loss includes 12 pounds pre-op). In 6 more pounds I'm to my half way mark! I saw the first picture of me taken post op just last week, and I was just floored. And then I saw 2 headshots, and didn't cringe! It was the coolest feeling to not be embarassed by a picture of me. All the clothes in my closet fit me now, and some of them are getting really baggy. Though, I seem to be losing everywhere but my waist. My jeans that didn't fit before, fit me now in the waist, and are crazy baggy everywhere else.
I really want to reach my goal of 113 pounds lost by the end of the year. Now that I'm able to start moving without any pain and am past on the ridiculous llttle hurdles my journey has thrown at me so far, I feel like I can finally start concentrating on using this tool the way its meant to be used. Slowly I'm intorducing solid foods back into my life, and being ridiculously stubborn about what I put in my mouth. I'm being so stubborn that I've only slightly strayed away from the mushies and soft foods I was eating just last week. I really want an oppurtunity to talk to my nutritionist so her and I can iron out whats ok and whats not. How fast to try certain foods, and such. I'm really good at nutrional things, but, since I'm skiddish yet to try raw veggies for carb replacements, I'm kinda lost. I also really need to go shopping, but am waiting for payday (sigh). I will say that the ability to eat meat however, has made getting my protein in WAY eaiser.
Today's menu:
Oatmeal with 2 tbsp of PB2 mixed in
2 meat/cheese roll ups (rotisserie chicken sliced thin & rolled with some low fat munster)
Pimento Cheese & 3 whole wheat crackers (I really am not pleased with the crackers, but they're not too bad and won't stick around as a perment staple after I can get into raw veggies again)
Dinner is yet to be decided, but probably a scrambled egg concotion (I have lots of scrambled egg recipes).
Vitamins!!!
I try to stay in the permeters my doctor laid out for me, minimum 60 grams protein, 800-1000 calories a day, and low carb/low fat. Low carb is not Atkins diet low carb for me. I eat right now roughly every 3 hours or so something little. I eat small and slow, and if I feel full I stop and wait a few minutes to see how I really feel before I continue eating. I track EVERYTHING with my fitness pal on my phone.
I'm just now starting to exercise again, and it feel so great to move again! I hoop dance and just love how much easier it is feeling to move and dance in my hoop. I am going to start working on adding a morning yoga routine into my schedule, and then move forward from there with other physical activities. For now, I think I like working out at home and there are so many things you can do at home. I am however, craving a swimming pool ... that might drive me in the next couple of months to look for a gym.
It has been one whole month since my surgery. I unfortunately still feel like I'm a sick person recovering though between eating mushies still, taking liquid omeprazle, and pulling an internal stitch 2 weeks ago.
However, today my stomach (where I pulled that stitch) is finally not bothering me as much. I can finally sleep on my side, which has begun to help my back pain a lot. And, so far any mushie food I've feed my sleevie has agreed with me. I went through a phase about 2 weeks out where I was freaked out over the amount of liquids I could handle in one swallow. I didn't need to sip anything by week two, I could take pretty regular sized drinks. I was worried I did something wrong. My doctor assured me, I just healed well and fast, and was happy for it. Now I freak out sometimes when I can eat what feels like it should be a lot, like 1/2 cup of fat free re-fried black beans, and I only feel full there at the end and can eat it in 30 minutes. Like... wow. Um, I thought that this was supposed to be harder? I guess maybe in the end, when all the healing is done, and I'm on regular food again, that I might be happier that I can eat most things. I've been super careful and slow when I introduce sleevie to something new. I take micro bites at first, sort of testing the waters, and then I'm like ok, we're good. And another food goes into rotation. I'm going to be trying tuna and chicken salad this week. I had to mentally get past the mushy meats idea. But, I do want to introduce meats to my system again before I'm eating real food again. I think I forgot that its a actually a goal to be able to eat a little closer to "normal" portions by the time I'm totally healed. I will be able to handle 2-3 oz. of meat, 1/4 cup of veggies, and a couple of tbsp. of brown rice. This amount of food sounds absurd to me in one sitting right now.
Speaking of food...I've become pretty on top of healthy alternative recipe hunting. One of my post-surgery changes is cooking more often from home, making clean & healthy whole foods, and experimenting regularly with new recipes. I found cauliflower pizza crust! Protein donuts?! Yes! So long as this stuff tastes as amazing as my head thinks it does, (after 5 weeks of mushies and 3 weeks of liquids it will all taste good! LOL), then we're ready to rock and roll. I'm going to do my best to follow for the most part a low glycemtric diet for the rest of my life. Because I'm human, there will be "normal" food days, and I'm not going to feel food guilt those moments ever again. Food guilt is ridiculous in my life, and I don't need it. I felt guilty when I ate. Period. If I had a healthy sandwich, whole wheat bread, smoked turkey, low fat mayo, loaded with veggies... I'd feel guilty. That is something I feel I'm past now, and I don't want to ever feel like that again.
I'm slowly getting past my, "Buyer's remorse." It has been harder than I anticipated for me post surgery. Not the food, I've been disciplined and not even thought about challenging my post-op diet at all. Its been physically not being where I am capable of being mentally. My pulled stitch has slowed me down, and it has frustrated me so much. I still have to take it easy, when I want to go walk a mile. I want to grab my hula hoop and just go nuts dancing, but I can't do that for another 4-5 weeks. Heartbreaking for me. I want to pick up my little dog and cuddle him like a baby, and I can't do that for a while either. I miss drinking while eating more than I thought I would. I was sad to think I can't drink milk and eat a PB&J sandwich at the same time. Is that forever? In a year or two, can I do that again? I'm just mentally past the healing and change part, and feel stunted in my ability to go forward because of this injury, and my back pain I've been suffering since I've been having to lay on my back so much. I'm back at work, but still can't bend over or reach up or move as fast as I did before... I'm ready to feel like myself 100% again and I'm pretty sure I still have a few more weeks before I will.
I am rather pleased with my 37 pound weight loss, and don't even mind that I'm in a stall right now.
Ah. This getting my thoughts out thing feel good.
Here I am, one week before the big day. I go in for my pre-op appointment today and will start my liquid diet tomorrow. Tonight I am going to clean out the pantry and the fridge, take my measurements, take my private official before pictures, have sushi for dinner, and make a video of myself hoop dancing. I want to have a record of things as they are right now. I want to see my growth, and know that all the reasons I decided to do this were sound.
I also in the next week or so, plan on writing two letters to myself. I will give them to my boyfriend. One of them is a letter that I will write about how horrible I feel most of the time, and remind myself of the consequences of not doing the surgery. He is to give that letter to me when/if I am struggling post-op and question what I have done. The other letter, is one I will read 6 months from now, when things will be easier, it will be a reminder of how I feel right now, and a reminder to stay the course, and not ever fall back to old habits.
I pulled out a tank top I bought years ago that was supposed to be a goal top a few years back. I paired it with the jeans I just purchased in my goal size. I had a dream about 2 months ago, and I was wearing this outfit. I was on a road trip with my boyfriend, and I was skinny! And I was health, and so very happy and full of joy. In my dream, I felt that joy. I decided that this outfit would hang on my wall as my motivation.
I am so full of motivation right now, and can't wait to be active again. To feel full of energy when I am. I hoop dance, and can't wait to hoop with my new body. I want to take kickboxing classes, do yoga, and eventually, I hope to take classes to learn lyra and silks. Yes, I want to hang from the ceiling from a giant hoop and some fabric. I want to be lean and strong. I am so excited that the PCOS that has kept me from these things, I will have a tool that will allow me to control it. That I might finally see results from all my fighting is mind blowing. It makes me want to cry from happiness. I'm not afraid of having to work hard after surgery. I welcome it. Finally seeing results from my hard work,... I can't even explain how this makes me feel.
I am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of being paranoid about my blood pressure, pre-diabetes, and being told that having a child would be dangerous for me in my current health. I'm tired of being 35 but dressing like I'm 65. I'm tired of struggling to feel like I fit in anywhere. I remember one time going shopping with my sister-in-law and a friend, and we went into this shop in the mall, and the largest size they carried was several too small for me to fit in. They were laughing having fun and trying on clothes, and instead I just felt ashamed of myself, and picked out things for them to wear. I'd never felt so much shame before, and this was before my PCOS diagnoses, but it still burns to think about.
I'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own body. Well, this isn't my body anymore. This is some other person. She isn't going to exist soon. I'm going to tell her good-bye.
Its my turn to live. :wub:
