Journey to understand who I am

The Beginning Of My Journey. Where Am I Going?

So here I am sitting on my couch procrastinating, and reading about others on their weight loss journey. I currently live in Chilliwack, B.C., and am going to school for my Bachelors of Nursing. Throughout my life, I have always had a weight problem, and have be chastised for this problem. High-school was torture, I was called everything from fatty-2-by-4 to Fat ugly $itch. High school was a means to an end for me, and I found that I needed to turn to something else for comfort. Food and education. Each day I would grab a really unhealthy lunch, sneak into the library and eat my lunch and study. I was by no means fat at this time, but over the course of my grade 12 year I went from fit with a little chub, to being extremely overweight. I tried using corsets and other cinching devices to look skinny, but they never seemed to help the ridicule I faced daily. Graduation came, Thank you heavens above. I joined TaeKwon-Do and loved every minute of it. I was a great fighter, won many medals in competition, and became good friends with my instructor. I was getting a little more fit, but I could not control my eating and I was not losing weight despite my best efforts in martial arts. Finally my weight would impact me so much, I eventually had to leave TaeKwon-DO. I was performing a pattern where you would distribute 70% of your weight on your back foot and 30% on your front. As I transitioned from my back foot to an L-stance in a different direction, all of a sudden I was on the floor. I was in excruciating pain and could not move. My instructor came to my rescue and his father came and propped me up. My world seemed to end that night. I dislocated my knee so bad, that my knee cap was on the bottom of my knee, and had torn so many ligaments that I would be on bed rest for two months in recovery. No martial arts, limited work, and lots of eating. I began to feel sorry for myself and began to eat more. Still not gaining more than 20 lbs, I attempted to return to TKD. I had been so deconditioned from my injury and lack of exercise, tha tI had fallen so far behind my class. I could no longer move as swiftly as I could previously, and could not keep up cardiovascular-wise. I felt alone. Eventually I quit TKD and miss it to this day. My accident happened in 2004, and 8 years later I still miss it so much. Now I would really be back to square one. Over the past several years, I met a great guy who is my world. We do everything together. I was inspired to get fit and look great. My weight when we met was about 220lbs, and I was determined to lose weight. I finally reached 209lbs and was beginning to look and feel great. Deciding to quit living from paycheck to paycheck, I decided to go back to school. I started in the Bachelor of science, and was doing great. At the end of my first year of school, I moved in with my boyfriend into his owned condo and was enjoying my life. My second year was going great, I had gained about 20 lbs. This 20lbs was not torturing, but I really did not have time to go to the gym. I was working and studying at the same time. At the end of this year, my boyfriend and I declared common-law on our taxes and I was about to enter my third year of university. This is when I hit an all-time low. I could no longer get funding for school, and I could not afford to enter another year of university. In 2007 I had to declare bankruptcy as I was living off my credit card supporting family, and was not able to make my payments. For this reason I declared bankruptcy so I could return to school to better myself. However declaring common-law has made it impossible to get a government loan or bursaries, and my bank status made it impossible to get bank loans. I was worthless!! I was going nowhere in life, I was broke and was in debt with school with nothing to show for it. For the next year I worked for several different jobs hoping to get somewhere in life, but feeling sorry for myself, I gained so much weight. I ballooned up to 280lbs and felt even worse about myself. I couldn't look in the mirror as I was repulsive, so I ate . . . . A year after this I decided to apply to a new program in school, Nursing. I believed this was a great move, and because my boyfriend and I had been doing well with our bills, my boyfriend was able to cosign a loan for me to return to school: Where I am now> I am currently in my second year of nursing. I am doing an accelerated degree, so in August of 2014, I will be a Registered Nurse. Being a nurse however have brought new challenges to my perceptions of my own self worth. I needed to lose weight. I could not be a hypocrite to my patients, and I needed to set a good example for them and for my community. So after reaching my all-time maximum, of 305lbs I decided it was time for a change. My weight is unacceptable, I can no longer do the things I love, and now it is time to help myself realize who I am. So I contacted my GP last February and he game me a referral to Dr. Sampath. I am so excited. I am disappointed that I have to wait about a year for my initial consultation, but I am happy I got the ball rolling. I hope you understand a little about me, and I hope to keep you posted on my journey. Cheers! Niki

AutumnPunkin

June 17, 2012

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