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My Journey

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Family S***s!

Sorry, but I had to say it.   I just got back from spending the day at mom's house. was doing some laundry there (gotta love free laundry) and having a good time with her. Dad calls and asks to speak to me. I'd just put the last load in the dryer and was trying to fold my shirts. I took the phone and he proceeds to lay into me about how bad a decision i'm making and to not do this. i.e. he thinks its a bad idea and expects me to bow down and follow HIS decision. First he tells me that i've never really tried to "work the program" in my weight loss before. That I can't expect to lose weight if I don't work at it. When that didn't work he suggests that what i'm doing is like what my other sibling is doing (long story, don't ask). I blew up. it's nothing like each other. i'm doing this for my health! not because I just want to change my body. When that didn't work he says that what i'm doing is like if he wanted to quit smoking he'd have them take one of his lungs away. WTF? really? WOW! I was seeing red! and I went silent. he could tell I was upset and ended with "i just wanted to say my opinion." I got off the phone and cried. I can't take much more of this from my parents. One more time! One more time and they are out of my life! I don't care how freakin hurt my dad is by that, he'll be out! mom will come around, I know she will. But he wants a relationship with me he'll shut up and just deal with me doing this! He hasn't changed my mind as he'd hoped. if anything he's pushed me closer to it! now I have an "i'll show them" attitude. not sure if that's good or not, but there you have it.   On the way home I was so quiet, made my boyfriend nervous. we got about 3/4 of the way home and i blurted out what I'd been thinking. I've come a long way....and i mean a LONG way! (I've always had fights like this with my dad, we've always butted heads. and up until 3 years ago I let him control me in every way. my boyfriend knows this.) I told him that a year ago this would have made me go to the store and get a 12 pack of coke, a bag of chocolate chunk cookies, a big bag of tostito's scoops, a can of cheese sauce, the biggest meal at whatever fast food place, a huge glass of chocolate milk (for the cookies), and a pint of ice cream to inhale later. and I would have eaten the whole thing! today? i just talked myself out of my mood.   progress!   ttyl HUGS
ladyarwenrose

ladyarwenrose

5
 

Battle With The Blues

So, for those of you that don't know....I have Bipolar and struggle with Depression. And as you know after surgery we will undoubtedly hit a point in our journey where our hormones go wacky and we'll battle with depression and grief (from lack of our fav foods) and many more emotions. well for those of us that have depression, etc. issues to begin with...this is made much worse. I've been battling the blues all weekend and there's no end in sight. I'm withdrawing from friends and family and VST and my facebook peeps. I'm even withdrawing slightly from my boyfriend.....EEEK! All I want to do is lay around on the couch and watch TV (olympics!). It's so hot here that I can't go walking like i'm supposed to. and they told me not to use my gazelle. so what the hell am I suppose to do? I live in a tiny apartment, so i can't walk around, too much stuff in the way to make it worth while. yeah, someone suggest going to the mall.....but i'd want to spend $ and I don't have any to spare. I haven't been released to go swimming either or i'd get a gym membership and go swimming....the one near me is only $10/month. I'm not losing weight as fast as most of you because of my lack of excersize. to make it all worse there is TONS of candy around the office and i'm trying hard to avoid it all. but when people as you OVER and OVER and OVER again if you want a piece, or if I want some cake, or if i want a cookie, or if I can't have.......fill in the blanks. it makes it very hard to keep positive about your choice to have this surgery. don't get me wrong, I would do it again in a heart beat....it's saving my life. I just wish they had prepared me better for what to expect afterwards.   not sure why i'm saying all this. not even sure if people will read it or if it will help anyone. i'm rambling and complaining and i'm sorry. I'll cya again when i'm in a better frame of mind.
ladyarwenrose

ladyarwenrose

4
 

Emotional Wreck! Lol

I thought your hormone's were supposed to go haywire AFTER the surgery?   I'm 16 days until surgery. All week i've been so emotional, going from one extreme to the other. I have an anxiety and panic disorder too so this makes it worse.   I've been dealing with back pain and numbness down the sides of my legs for several months now. but the past month it's been progressively getting worse. I'd gone to the doctor on Wednesday and it did absolutely no good. they lectured me for 20 minutes on not living a life filled with narcotics. then proceeded to give me 1/4 of my normal quantity and 1/2 the strength of my normal perscription. I was really upset. I mean what am I supposed to do? Do they not beleive me? Am I just supposed to "block out the pain"?   So yesterday i'm at work and the pain was really bad. I can normally block it out pretty well at work, but not this time. I was getting frustrated with myself because I couldn't block it out. then I was getting increasingly depressed because I couldn't do anything to stop it, or make it go away. That started the anxiety. shaking my legs up and down. my thoughts racing. add that to my crying that I was trying so hard to hide. and then the panic hit! CRAP! It took me half an hour to calm myself down again. But I was able to (thank GOD) and went about my work day. but all night I was really upset about the whole ordeal, and my back, and the impatience over this surgery. I want it NOW, I want it over with, I want to get on with my life and work towards a healthier me. one that will hopefully not have this pain all the time!!!!   I just can't help thinking that if i'm this emotional now.....how am I going to be after the surgery?   LOL
ladyarwenrose

ladyarwenrose

4
 

Sorry It Took So Long

hey everyone. long time no see. I've been busy with pre-op diets and such....and then surgery on July 2nd....and now post-op diet stuff. it's been 9 days since surgery and i'm feeling ok. been a lot of ups and downs.     pre-diet wasnt so bad! Due to diet restrictions I was able to have a tiny bit of real food mixed in with a lot of protein shakes and broth. the two weeks flew by pretty fast and it wasn't until the last few days that I started having the runs. that was embarassing at work.....in my head, no one actually noticed thank god! threw out a few pairs of undies though.       surgery day everything went smoothly, took 2.5 hrs actual surgery time. they did repair a hiatal hurnia as well. I basically slept that day/night away and wasn't good for anything until the next day. i'm like that from anesthesia. I was in the hospital for 2 days as my blood showed it was fighting something. they wanted to make sure it wasnt infection. I walked a lot the 2nd day and was able to get liquids down. not as much as they would have liked, but enough.   Please make sure your hospital knows who you want in the pre-op room, etc. don't let what happened to me happen to you........   day of my surgery I was in the pre-op room, in a hospital gown in the bed. i was about to talk to my bf about something personal that would get my mind off things. I tend to internalize everything and dwell on things. i was making myself anxious and starting to panic. i'd wanted to talk to him about stuff like dreams of vacations, etc. i open my mouth to ask a question and I hear a voice in the hall. i clamped my mouth shut and in walks a co-worker.....AND HER HUSBAND!!!! first of all i didn't want her there in the room with me. 2nd of all you bring your HUSBAND???? what made her think i wanted him to see me in a hospital gown? they spent the next 10 mins prattling on about their life, etc. probably to try and get my mind off things but it just made it worse. the anesthesia guy comes in and I had to talk about personal med stuff in front of them. they didn't get the hint to leave! then a few minutes later the doc peeks his head in and I turned to them and said, well I gotta kick you out now. yep, i was rude....but they didn't get the hint before! doc asked me who they were and I said a co-worker and her husband and he was appalled that they were there. the staff hadn't even tried to see if I wanted to see them! i made sure he and my bf knew that when the update came afterwards it was NOT to be in front of them. I was in full blown anxiety and panic by the time they wheeled me off to surgery. luckily they didn't notice as it only showed in the way my right leg was moving. I hide it well. if they hadn't sedated me almost the minute i was in the OR i probably would have jumped down and ran. and i also hear that they went up to the room afterward. i slept the full day so I have no clue who was there and who wasn't.       Home everyday has gotten better. i was on liquids for a week and by the end was drinking everything i was supposed to with no complications. i'm now on pureed foods. people say that's the worst stage. I won't lie, it's no fun eating mush when my boyfriend is eating chinese and fried chicken, etc. however, with that said i don't feel hungry at all. i eat because im supposed to eat. I have no cravings for food as I thought I would. i see him eat something and think yeah that would taste good. but i'm fine eating what i need to and letting him eat his fav foods. lol   i'm still bruised up a lot....especially from all the heprin injections (have to for 2 weeks). I still have quite a bit of pain on my left side and will need to ask the doc about that on Friday. and I wasn't able to go poop (sorry for graphic) since before the surgery. yesterday i was FINALLY able to and feel soooooo much better now. it hurt like HELL though!   i've been sleeping on the couch so I can be propped up some. kinda depressing since my bf and I are now sleeping seperately. but I just can't lie flat and get back up in the morning. first thing in the morning my pain is worse.   frustrated beyond belief right now. been having a hard time swallowing one of my night meds. it's a capsule so it's not like I can make it smaller. and if i take it out and take it as a powder I wanna puke. so called my psych and he switched it to liquid for me. got a call yesterday from the pharmacy (2 days later!) saying it would be over $100 (per month) with the discount card. discount card? what happened to my insurance? they won't cover it. so now i'm stuck with my capsules and hoping that they won't get stuck on the way down each night. i'm near tears!   my stomach pain isn't going away and they gave me a little bit of a hard time calling in more for me on Monday. i feel so bruised up inside, i look like a pin cushion from all the heprin shots and I'm getting frustrated that I can't even do normal everyday activities. i'm eating everything i'm supposed to to the T...no extra stuff. I've only lost 6 lbs. i did lose 3 inches of my belly, so guess that's something. maybe my shakes have too much sugar or something? trying not to give in to the feeling of eating even less just to lose more weight.   all in all it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. however it is still a very emotional journey and it's not over yet. i'm lucky to have the most amazing man in my life to help me through this and not let me slide down into my dark depression again. if anyone is reading this and still debating on the surgery please know that even after all i've just said I'd do it again. it really is worth it! one step at a time and i'll eventually get to that healthy life I desire so much
ladyarwenrose

ladyarwenrose

2
 

Life is so great!

Wow, has it really been that long since i've been on this sight? I can't beleive how much life has changed since my surgery. i've lost a total of 130lbs since my highest weight ever. it feels so great to have lost that much weight and I never want to go back. my boyfriend proposed to me Christmas Day 2012 in front of my entire family. now we are getting ready for our wedding, official ceremony to take place on Nov 21, 2014. and i'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first child. Before I started this journey I never expected to ever have a life long partner, let alone be getting married and being a mom. I could have never gotten this far without his love and support. he was there every step of the way pushing me to do what i was supposed to be doing and picking me up when i wanted to give up. My family has come around and is glad i've done it. but it was a hard struggle for awhile since none of them agreed with my decision. but i'm healthy and happy for the first time in my life. and my life is so much better for having gone through this. If I had to do it all over again I would. For all of you trying to decide if this is the decision for you, trust in your heart. Don't listen to anyone else. Don't ask for their opinions. What they think doesn't matter. Decide for yourself why it is you want to do this. Your heart will tell you if this is the right path for you. it won't lead you astray. only you know if this is right for you.
ladyarwenrose

ladyarwenrose

1
 

*peeks Out* My First Blog

Someone told me that I should keep track of my experiences, thoughts, success, etc. So here I am, writing about my life and kinda nervous about it.   Who am I?   I'm 36 years old, team lead of accounts payable for a large private company. I'm someone that you would view as successful and confident. but i'm not confident at all! I'm 334 lbs as of today at my doctor's. I've been overweight my entire life. Growing up you'd have viewed me as the pudgy kid that everyone liked. but somewhere around 4th grade that all changed. Whether it was the sudden need for glasses (and the subsequent non-stop teasing)....or the freaky way I found out my dad did drugs....I started to put on pounds quickly and never stopped. I became a loner, only associating with others that would be considered loners. Only one person stayed with me during all this, my best friend from 1st grade (and btw, we're still friends today). in junior high it got worse, i packed on the pounds faster. My uncle tried to rape me and I was trying to hide my body from all men in order for them to NOT want me. By College I was around 280lbs and a size 26. Four years later I was a size 30. Today i'm a size 34. I'm not confident at all! I hate the way my body looks....truth be told I hate everything about me (personally). I've struggled with depression all my life and it affects the way I view myself inside.   I have tried to lose weight every way possible. I've tried liquid diets, i've tried atkins, i've tried weight watchers, i've tried counting calories, you name it i've tried it. The most I ever lost was 20lbs and it came right back (and then some). Truth be told, I never truely wanted it more than I want it right now. But it's too late to do it on my own now. I need help! and the Sleeve is the tool I have chosen for myself. I did a lot of research and put a lot of thought into it. But I could never do this alone! Luckily I have a wonderful man in my life and he fully supports whatever decision I make. And since he lives with me he will be there to help me stay on track, etc.   You may be asking yourself (or maybe not) what made me finally decide to lose the weight once and for all. On March 7, 2008 my baby sister (at 20) died in a violent car accident. She was the sunshine of the family, the glue that kept us all together. Losing her almost killed me. I wound up in the hospital and discovered I was bipolar and finally got the help I needed. She was always the pudgy one in school but was popular. The last year of her life she was losing weight, joined the track team, was doing really well in school. She talked to me over and over about needing to get a grip on things and lose the weight. A week before her death mom and I got to see her in a track meet. she was awesome! (in our eyes....about average over all) the last thing I ever said to her was that I loved her and was proud of her, and with a hug we parted ways forever. When I finally got myself together I remember her gentle proding to start losing the weight. And i've tried to do just that ever since. I can just imagine her in the background, cheering me on, praising each little victory with me. You see by the time I got a grip I was up to 382lbs....now i'm 334! big difference right? I'm finally learning how I need to eat and how much i'm supposed to eat. and this surgery will just help me get that much further.   to do this surgery you have to have people behind you that will support you through the entire process. It doesn't have to be a lot of people, just ones that will sincerely be there along the way. for me that's my boyfriend, my best friend, and a handful of co-workers. Unfortunately that is NOT my family. It hurts me to think that they won't support me in this. because of their reaction I've stopped telling anyone else. my department at work has over 30 people in it. only 8 know. my parents know. Dad initially tried to change my mind the day that I hinted at it to them. he hasn't said a word since, just ignored it like it wasn't happening. Mom is actively trying to get me to NOT do this. My other sibling doesn't like it, but will support my decision....besides she's 3 hours away anyway. Mom is the one that told one of my aunts (who hasn't said a word) and my grandmother. After doing some research of her own my mother told my grandmother what she discovered about the risks and complications of the procedure. my grandmother called me balling her eyes out and BEGGING me NOT to do this. It was the hardest thing i've ever done to stick to my decision and talk through her fears. don't think it helped much though. since then my family just ignores it like it's the elephant in the room.   If I had a word of advice to anyone that's still thinking about doing the sleeve it would be to think Long and Hard about your decision. do the research, ask lots of questions, use this site (it's awesome!?!). but most of all....make sure you have some strong support. there will be people out there (like my family) that will actively try to change your mind....or come against you for doing (or have done) this. If you're not absolutely sure about your decision you will be in turmoil.   I'm telling you right now, if I didn't have my boyfriends support I would not be doing this. he is my strength. he helps me remember to let things go, think positively, etc etc. the exact opposite of me...lol. he's the love of my life and i'm awed to have such a great man in my life.   okay, guess i've talked long enough. I'm going to sign off. till next time.   *Hugs*
ladyarwenrose

ladyarwenrose

1
 

What Is A Girl To Do?

So I have only told 6 people at work so far that i'm having the sleeve done on July 2nd. There are another 3 that can probably guess that i'm doing this, or something like it. My boss doesn't know, just that i'm out on July 2nd and will not be back for 2 weeks. HR knows of course so that they can approve my medical leave. I haven't told anyone else or hinted at it with anyone. I haven't even told anyone that i'll be leaving at the end of June. I'm fluctuating between just letting it all out and to hell with what they think. Or to keep it under wraps. Unfortunately it may be out of my hands now. 2 of the people that know are loud....so the more they talk to me about it the better the chance that someone overhears (and understands) what i'm doing. And then there's the lady that found out today. I never meant for her to know. but there were three of us talking about sleep studies. she asks if i've had one too, of course I say yes. all of a sudden she's asking me if i'm having the lap band done. i'm not a good lier, and I can't hide things very well. I said no and after pushing me I told her I was having the sleeve. she too is a loud mouth. three rows of people can hear her talk about whatever. I asked her to not tell anyone and to not talk about it out loud. we'll see how long that lasts. I have a feeling that it will be around the department very soon. (she's a big gossiper too)   My boyfriend says so what, to f**k with whatever they say. it's my choice and my body. it's my life i'm saving, not theirs. and he's right, completely right. but I have to work with these people. I don't know, maybe I should just let it out.   Or.....I could just blurt it out on Facebook the day of the surgery.....since about 20 people from my department are facebook friends. that would get the word out REAL fast. hehehehe. my boyfriend says not too, but we'll see how I feel on surgery day.   decisions decisions   side thought....wonder if my wonderful mother (sarcastic) told anymore of my family? I'm not going to say anything to anymore of them. And if she continues to turn grandma against me and actively work to change my mind then she's not invited to be there on surgery day and I won't want to see her after that. she'll become a see you on holidays family member. I'm even thinking of moving out of state once I get some things straightened out. that would be a few years from now.   Phew! It's a lot to think about!   Till next time.....HUGS
ladyarwenrose

ladyarwenrose

1
 

Last Hurrah?

So today we had a luncheon for a team-mates birthday. mostly stuff that I can't have anymore. I stayed away from the pop and desserts (yeah me). I did have a few chips (oppps). I had a salad (yes!!!). and the meat was italian beef sandwiches. oh well, I had one. I start my pre-op diet on Saturday and the next birthday luncheon isn't until mid-July so things should be good for now. and for the next one I doubt I'll be able to eat whatever they decide to have anyway. which is a good thing, right??? If it's something I can't work with for lunch then i'll just decline to attend. Funny thought....wonder what they will be able to do for my birthday in October. Can just imagine their horror as what i'll be eating from now on and what they always want are on completely different spectrums of the food scale. LOL   This is also why i'm glad there are no family functions coming up. Unless they do a birthday/anniversary get together the next one isn't until Thanksgiving. yeah   My anxiety kicked up something fierce today and almost threw me into one of my panic attacks. Thank God I calmed myself down. Not really sure why either other than i'm in so much pain from my back, hips, and knees. The doctors are being jerks about giving me pain meds too, which doesn't help. I just want the pain to go away. I want to be able to live a normal life. I want so many things that I can't have at this moment in time.   Hurry up July 2nd! Hurry up!   HUGS
ladyarwenrose

ladyarwenrose

0
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