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typical preop

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2 weeks post op

So I've started full liquids, which has been helpful. Also started my vitamins and hope that will improve how I'm feeling.   I'm feeling better than I did during the first week. The complication w/ spasms in my throat are completely resolved and it helps.   However, I feel like somehow I'm in the minority on this board because I feel so conflicted about this surgery. I wish I had a better word for it. I don't regret the decision because at a starting weight of 325lbs there's just no getting around the fact that I needed help or I was going to be on my way to 400lbs quickly. I do wish I had made a different decision at times, maybe saw a therapist on a regular basis before the surgery. I was ready to make the change but that doesn't mean I suddenly developed the skills I needed to be successful at it.   I'm still not sleeping well, (i used to be an 8 hour a night person, now I have to take a pill and it's a stuttering 6-7). Physically I'm healing just fine. Mentally, I feel a mess. I'm still crying and getting overwhelmed at times. I wonder if it will ever go away. I've bothered my whole support system over this repeatedly and I can't tell you how much of a benefit they've been for me. I wish I didn't have to burden them with this.   I wish I was further out than I am and that I had a clue if I managed to get my even keel back. I wish I could say I missed the food, but I'm just not sure it's the food specifically, I'm not craving burgers or a meal. I guess I'm just stricken by the magnitude of the decision I made and it overwhelms me at times.   I'm scheduled to see a therapist next week and I'm hoping I can get the help I need to feel like myself again.
juny

juny

5
 

Post Op 6 Days and Feeling Vulnerable

Since May I've been preparing to do this. I did all the preop hoops that are jumped through. Feb 5 came and I had surgery. During the process I felt confident about my choice. I didn't seem to be like everyone else. I don't really have an ideal goal weight for one. I wanted to be able to feel confident about meeting people, maybe dating and starting a family if I'm lucky. I thought this surgery would help change that. It's hard to feel like you can be loved when you don't feel like you can really recommend yourself and say you're good enough. I'm wondering if I did this for the right reasons, does it matter since it's done?   Not feeling 100% since surgery probably isn't helping my mood. My mom says once I get back to my routine and properly incorporate stuff I should be fine. Feeling overly emotional and vulnerable. And I'm still left wondering if I did the right thing.
juny

juny

8
 

A word on pop (soda for some)

So I went to a seminar back in May that first introduced me to wls. Of all the things I heard the biggest challenge I felt was going to be the pop thing. You know...the part where you can't really have it anymore. At the time my habit was 4-8 cans a day which I've had for the past 15-20 years (I'm 30). I knew if I couldn't kick that habit I wouldn't ever be able to have the surgery. I mean I knew this was just one of many new rules we have to live by but if I couldn't do this then none of the other stuff mattered. The day of the seminar was the last day for 7 months. Over Thanksgiving I've tried pop again half scared, half curious about my reaction to it since I was so addicted to the stuff. The circumstance came about when there wasn't any water to be had at the party. Well they had water, but it was horrible tasting water and I couldn't drink it. I had half a can of pop. I've since also had a couple tastes of moscato di asti and couple more tastes of pop when there's been no alternative. The result is unexpectedly happy. I don't really like too much of it. The bubbles are too much and it burns going down and then I get all burpy. I can't help but laugh about it since I really thought I'd have something like an alcoholics reaction to their favorite drink, one taste and that would be the end of sobriety for a while. I can't believe I really prefer water but I do. The reverse osmosis machine at our house is wonderfully helpful since it gets a lot of the funny tastes out of our well water. It's been well worth the price.   i'm preop but I do believe this is an nsv!
juny

juny

6
 

Stress Test- Straight Treadmill: For Those Wondering What Its Like.

So the treadmill test was the test I was most worried about because I'm seriously not a runner at all. I had my test today so I thought I'd share how it went and what happens to maybe allay some fears. I think the not knowing is half the problem.   So I scheduled first thing in the morning, I recommend this so you're not waiting for the people who came in before you to get done. The wait doesn't help my anxiety level. I walked right in to the reception and within 5 minutes I was talking to my technician. Originally, I was crabby because it was a guy and I'm already self conscious. He was great though in spite of telling me that I have short legs and that would make it harder to walk quickly on the treadmill. We talked about the hospital and what I like (the people) and what I hate (their central scheduling/epic software/etc). I was told to wear a baggy shirt and some pants you can really walk in. I was also told not to eat the morning (or 6 hours before the procedure). He lifted my shirt (i still had my bra on), swabbed the places he was going to put the adhesive things that would hold the ekg wires to my body (my first roll and just below my bra) to give a good reading as I laid down on the gurney. They were sticky (obviously) but when they came off they didn't hurt like...oh say duct tape. So between the banter he's telling me about the process. I get my blood pressure taken (which was high for me but not high).   So here's the deal, after you're all wired up they put a belt (this belt fits don't worry about it not fitting) on you so that the wires and such don't pull off when you're walking. The blood pressure cuff stays on pretty much throughout and they periodically test your blood pressure throughout. They did not use the automatic one, I'm pleased w/ this because I honestly never have a good reading from those things. It's either really high or no blood pressure at all. So you get off the gurney and on the treadmill, mine didn't have sides, it had a bar you have to hang on to. The overall program is that it steps up both the incline and the speed until your heart reaches it's target rate. In my case, I'm 30 and it's 180 i think (don't quote me). You get on, the treadmill goes immediately to 10% incline and 1.7mph. I think every 2 minutes or so it raises the speed and I think the incline. This isn't some slight increase in speed It goes from 1.7 to 3.2 to 3.7 to 4.2, if your tech is paying attention he might just warn you which helps tremendously, I ended up at a 14% incline. The test goes on as long as you feel you can tolerate or reach the heart rate they want you to reach. The tech said usually people last between 5-8 minutes. I'm not sure if he was saying that to make me feel better but I did make it to 8 minutes. I told him straight out that I can walk up but not fast.   The cardiologist came in when I was about to start the test and watch my ekg. He blabbed about his sons gym class and after I got to 3.2 i was not sharing in any conversation because I was huffing and puffing. It's fine though I think the atmosphere left me feeling like i wasn't being watched to fail and "look at the fat girl try to move...." Overall it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I was worn out but the doctor said he felt that I could probably have gone on longer. I didn't argue it but I seriously, I couldn't have done 4.2 mph, that's closer to running. It's just so uncomfortable to try moving my body that fast. The doctor said he felt I was very healthy and because I've been walking 3 days a week it has helped me keep my heart healthy. All done.     Within 30 minutes I was out the door and on my way.
juny

juny

2
 

I Nearly Missed It Today

I walked the dogs just now, noticed the mail on the washer on my way out. It was an envelope from aetna.....my letter of appeal has been approved. I'm so relieved.
juny

juny

6
 

Lapse In Judgment

Oh boy do I have bad heartburn today...woooo. I have no one but myself to blame. I got bored and made brownies, yep I knew better and I did it anyway....like almost the whole pan of brownies, in about 13 hours. I'm not thrilled w/ myself but I'm not a wreck over it. I think it just frustrates me is all. I make pretty good choices during the week but my tendency on weekends is not so hot. They weren't that good either. Anyway onward and downward.
juny

juny

5
 

Done With 6Th Visit

Fair warning: This is a long backstory type vent.     As the title explains, they'll be submitting this week to my insurance and eventually set me up with a date they think will be in January. I've lost about 34lbs in the pre-op during the visits. They coo and praise what I've accomplished. And I'm just not feeling it. I think it's because, oddly, weight-loss pre-op was not the goal, getting stuff done for the surgery was, this is insane, I know. I also look at it like it's verification that I can't really do this by myself. I mean if I lost say 50 lbs a year it would take me another 3 solid years to get all the weight I need off...barring any falling off the wagon...you know because that never happens....   I've got a bit going on in my life and it just feels like now I'm at the crossroads. I'm working full time, I've just come up on a year working for this company but I've only been hired as a permanent employee since April and I haven't taken a day off since. I'm also going to post graduate classes so I can sit for the CPA----note to self: get the freakin application form----. And I was going do some tax prep stuff for a seasonal place, just so I could keep up with tax updates, make a little extra money and get my family's taxes done. Ok.. now add vsg at some point in January and you can now see the problem of having too much to do in the space and time I have. Additionally I've only got 2 weeks of pto which will not actually be 2 weeks of pto because the pre-op classes and meetings are going to take the better part of a morning so...bye bye 8 hours of pto just in prep for this. I'm thinking the tax prep thing is going to have to go. And that about where I'm at the point of feeling the stress start to come into the back of my neck. It's just all getting to be a bit much.   I still desperately want the surgery. Its so important to me not to go through another year carrying a full grown person w/ me wherever I go. I dont think this forum is a place I need to explain the reasons or defend myself. But outside this place I feel extraordinarily defensive about the desire to have the surgery. My family is either in the dark or not supportive. I live at home w/ my parents right now because the job I have doesn't pay enough to be out on my own but the insurance covers the surgery. This is why I felt conditions were right for the surgery.   My dad has no idea, he had a stroke 7 years ago, he's mostly fine but his personality did a 180 degree change and he's no longer the parent that I can talk to but rather the parent that I try to avoid dealing with altogether. Long story short, he's a liar and he constantly needs someone to stroke the ego, the way a 5 year old shows youhow nice he made the bed. My mom knows I'm doing this but thinks it's drastic, thinks it not the right choice and why can't I just keep going to the nutritionist since I've already lost weight that way? When we talk about it she gets quiet because she doesn't like it. This wouldn't bother me if I didn't need her for my recovery. And if god forbid something goes wrong my mom is exactly the type that gives you the told you so look and lecture. Right... I can totally see me in agony w/ picc lines and leak tests her just looking at me like...see what did i tell you....     Why can't I just be happy that I've done everything to finally get the letter sent?   I just have a lot on my mind. I have a lot of decisions to make and it feels like I'm going to have to risk something.
juny

juny

5
 

A Visit W/ My Nut.

So i saw my nutritionist on monday and the more i think about what she said the more irked i get. I'm not mad at her but she's all thin and been doing the right things forever. What stands out is that she said that going from 1800 calories is more mental than actual calories isn't it? yeah no...no it isn't. She doesn't get that I'd like a hamburger and can have a hamburger on 1800 calories but a portion of a hamburger will simply not fill me up on a 1500 calorie diet. hence i really did have to make more than a mental change. I mean the whole problem I have is that i'm hungry and am never full. after the nutritionist, i saw the nurse. she proceeded to tell me that now that i've been on this diet 3 months i couldn't eat like i did before if i tried and i sat there thinking.. WANNA BET?   then the doctor, not the one who's doing surgery but someone they want me to see over the 6 month program, he tells me that i need to break the relationship that my mom and i have over food. her issue w/ this weightloss surgery is only important to her in so far as it doesn't kill me. That's it. So maybe I do and I'm too blind to see it but I guess I'm just not at this point.   overall i am pleased w/ my progress. 20lbs down in about 3 months of dieting. so yeah...the whole thing was weird. I binged the day after the nutritionist. I don't know if I'd call it a binge. but it was everything i would have eaten on a given day that I was not on a diet. 2 cups of pasta and a great slice of cheesecake.i was screwing around w/ a single pound for a week and i was frustrated and i really did just want to feel full and satisfied again. I miss it. Even so. I lost a pound the next day even though I was 1000 calories over my limit.   Today was hard but I did keep myself on track and worked out and counted my calories and I'm on target. So onward and upward
juny

juny

1
 

Denial

I got the denial letter today from aetna. They said I couldn't prove that I was fat for 2 consecutive years. And I didn't meet the nutritional program guidelines that they require for six month. It's surprising that I'm disappointed. I knew it was probable, i read the terms of the health insurance when I got my new job. Still i was surprised that they think i wasn't fat for 2 years consecutively. I'm sure it will all get sorted, my nurses said they only sent the letter because the people on the phone couldn't figure out if my plan included wls coverage. Oh well. I worked out today even thought I didn't want to. It's so hot here, it's not supposed to be this hot til august!
juny

juny

3
 

Just Keep It Moving

I've hit it again. That wall where I'm tired of the dieting, tired of counting calories, tired of being hungry. This is always the place where I start slipping back into habits like...oh a plate of chocolate chip cookies. which sounds FABULOUS right now. Went to the nut. on Monday. They're all really pleased, said the 14lbs I lost in about 7 weeks was wonderful and I should be so pleased....not as pleased as a plate of cookies would make me about now. Nurse said I had a blood pressure that people would kill for. I think this is the part of the journey that just sucks and I have to push through.   On a happier note, i really like going to the gym after work. I got 3 times a week, looking at working up to maybe 4 days or making the days I go a little longer. I still can't/won't go above 2.5-2.7mph but I'm up to a 5% incline. i found an online treadmill calculator that actually includes the incline. Myfitnesspal kind of sucks how all they got it a 2.5 leisurely pace, I sweat like a stuck pig, I don't call that leisurely. 400 calories in a half hour and it's a great transition to being home.   Overall, I really can't complain. Just keepin' it moving.
juny

juny

0
 

Fell Off Again

So I've hit the 6 week mark on the diet and here I am not following through on my own plans. I've lost a bit of weight but for whatever reason, this weekend I've gone off the rails again. This is always where it happens. The weight stalls and I get sick of looking at my body fiddling around w/ the same 3 pounds for a few weeks. Skipped lunch. Didn't wait for dinner had a cup of oberweiss chocolate milk (its a regional thing, they come in the old glass bottles, hormone free, all the good stuff....) and ate half a pb&j (i made strawberry jam this weekend). I know I'm being ridiculous. I think this is the part where I once again realize I need this surgery to stop being famished. I also need to get myself back on track. ok...i think it's safe to turn off my vent now.
juny

juny

6
 

Another Hoop

Saw the psychologist for this appointment. Felt pretty good about it in the end. I asked him about what he saw the most. He said the most problems he sees are untreated depression and unrealistic expectations. He feels I'll do well. That makes one of us. I'm worried still about self sabotage. I don't know about anyone else. For me though, the start of a diet goes ok. I'm on track counting calories/points/carbs/protein/etc. Then when the weight loss slows down, I push it. I lower my calories, I up my time at the gym. After a couple weeks of this, one of two things can happen. Either I get hurt and have to take off time from the gym which wrecks the whole "being good" thing. Or I'll get ragged and by the end have no energy left and I get pissed that what I've done hasn't worked...again. While the family goes and gets themselves dairy queens. I really don't know what it feels like to have the effort actually pay off. The idea is so pie in the sky right now.   I have 2 tests left, the upper gi and the stress test. I have an appt w/ my nut. on the 25th. Just trying to keep my head down and do the program I'm on. Next step is to figure out the vitamin/protein thing.
juny

juny

0
 

First Off...

I'm tired today. I just finished with yet another dr.'s visit and I'm about sick of all of it already. My first foray into this whole weigh loss surgery deal has been somewhat unexpected. For years, I did not consider surgery. I've been around 300lbs give or take 25lbs for the last 5 years. I've been pretty stubborn about the fact that the surgery doesn't change the habits you need to live w/ in order to make permanent change. However, I'm also SERIOUSLY tired of carrying around a whole other person, it's not even a baby, it's like a full sized adult that never bother going to college and doesn't pay rent but eats me out of house! It was back in March that I first had the thought, it was after a good 18 months of trying diet after diet. I just turned 30 in April. I came to the realization that I know the trajectory I'm on and if I want to end this unhappy merry-go-round, I'm going to have to do something more permanent. Which brings me back to doctors....I still have 2 different appointments at least for testing. I also have an appointment w/ the nut. and a psych and a gp all in the next 2 weeks. The doctor's office I left today has recommended I go back to an endocrinologist because after not being on synthroid for 2 months (yes I know i'm a bad girl....i went from no insurance to nice insurance in 2 months....can we just let me get past the guilt trip please?). Apparently my tsh is 97.3, he's not happy, he says he only sees that in people who haven't taken meds for years.....I find this difficult to believe.   This winding little path I've just taken us on leads to my crankiness about going to yet another doctor. Yes I know it's necessary. Yes I know this is just a part of the deal. But for whatever reason I'm not scared of the surgery or the liquid diets, the hair loss, the lactose intolerance or anything else (not yet anyway). What is totally consuming me at the moment, is the worry about trying to keep my pto up. I get exactly 80 hours pto. So two weeks. And all these dr. visits are going to eventually take some of that. And I'll still need it for surgery. Since I technically just started this job (actually been there as a temp since Oct) I won't qualify for FMLA until next year. I'm already putting resumes out....yeah that's another story. Ok......ok now I'm starting to come down from my vent...whoooo ok. I'd also like to take this space to mention that I'm at home w/ my parents right now since the job doesn't really pay enough to be on my own. While there are some excellent reasons to be living at home, ie no drunk ass roommates, free rent, free car, etc....once I've made it clear my intention to do this thing my family has been less than enthusiastic in their support. This is difficult to live w/ on a daily basis because I need to talk about these things and when I do at home I don't get the reaction I'd like and it's just more friction.   I am serious about this and I don't think I'm going to change my mind, even w/ all the scary **** in these forums. I've found it a little easier to take on the changes my nut.'s asked me to, I think it's because I know this time I'm not just staring at a big empty void of failure. I don't think it's magical but I do think it would help with the obsession my mind has w/ being full. This lifestyle I'm starting, I hope and believe will continue and the surgery will make it more likely to be permanent. So I started changing things. After the first seminar I went to in April I haven't had any diet coke. This is huge, diet coke was all I drank...ever...I knew if I couldn't do that then the surgery would never be a go anyway. Today, it's straight water...every day and I'm surprisingly ok w/ that. I've also started going to the gym and gotten back into counting calories. I know I'm on the right track or at least i can see it from my house. Needless to say there's a whole lot on my mind. I've been obsessive about the forums of late, it's been wonderful looking at everyone's progress and that everyone's been extraordinarily helpful when anyone has a question.   And now since my brain's just about exploded in every direction it's possible to go in, I think it's time to get my broom and dust pan.
juny

juny

2
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