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Life after 40

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Whirlwind Week...ugh!

So the past 10 days have been quite crazy. My partner of 12 1/2 years dropped the bomb on me last Sunday that he is thinking of leaving. What?!!? Are you crazy? I'm just about to start my 3rd and final year of grad school, an internship on top of my full-time job, and I'm having surgery in 3 weeks. Coulld you pick a worse time? Needless to say, I was a bit of a wreck that day. Since then, we have done a lot of talking, and are going to try to work it out. That, however, is not the best news.   In the past, I have been very dependant on my relationships, including this one. The thought of being left alone was terrifying to me, and I would give anything to keep the relationship going. Last week, I felt a little desperation in the day, but then I started seriously thinking about what I would do. It's funny, I wasn't trying to let practicality override love, but, really, I had school and internship starting soon, and this surgery. I never once considered quitting school or canceling the surgery, which I would have done a few years ago. I quietly figured out how I would do on my own. I came to the conclusion that I would be ok. I'm so proud of that, and it has really made me realize that I will be ok with this surgery too. I have become a strong person who can take care of herself! What a good feeling. Now I just need to triumph over food and I will be unstoppable =)   P.S. Started my pre-surgery shake diet today. So hungry. I know it will get better. 13 days...  
becky444

becky444

4
 

What Have I Done?

Oh man, I hope I haven't screwed everything up! I'm on day 5 out of 13 days of shakes before the surgery. I was so crazy hungry today, and the shakes just weren't taking the hunger away. I'm stressed and tired. I broke down and made myself some scrambled eggs and toast. No fat - I used butter spray- but I feel a little sick now and I'm freaking out that the surgery is going to be canceled now because my liver will be too big or something. If I've gone through all this for nothing I don't know what I'll do =(   Feeling pretty low right now...
becky444

becky444

10
 

Shakes, Shakes, And More Shakes!

So today is day 4 out of 13 of my pre-operative shake diet. The shakes are actually pretty good, I make them with light unflavored soy milk and put fruit in. My hunger has been really managable, but wow! I can imagine I'm going to be seriously bored by the time surgery comes around!   The nice thing is I have lost 13 pounds now since my heaviest (7 in the last 4 days), and everything feels so nice and loose. Physically, I feel better already. It's amazing that I have so little control over food, when I feel so horrible physically when I'm eating crap and binging. My head hurts, I feel sick, I have trouble sleeping, my joints hurt more, and I feel tired every second of the day when I'm binging and eating crappy food. How is that addictive? It is though - even as I write this I know that I'm really craving a cheeseburger and fries. What a long road it will be to unlearn such messed-up habits!
becky444

becky444

4
 

Screw You Hunger!

I woke up today not feeling hungry, which is unusual for me. I tend to eat late at night, so I'm usually hungry in the morning, my own little vicious cycle. But cutting down on the food has really paid off. I was hungry often today, but each time, except meals, I had a piece of fruit and I was ok. I wish I knew that I could keep this up for months on end. This is just like so many good starts in the past. I find myself thinking...maybe I don't need the surgery...look at how well I'm doing...maybe I can do this on my own. What I'm forgetting is the roadblock that I will inevitably run into...the 14- hour shift at work, the fight with my hubby, the ten page paper I need to get done in a few hours so I cam sleep. These things WILL happen, and when they do I know the binge will be calling.   I found myself feeling weird earlier today. I have so many unhealthy ties to food, and the thought of not being able to turn to a binge when I am stressed is both a relief and frightening. I have had surgeries before, I had my gallbladder out, a pin put in my foot, I have taken radioactive iodine to kill off my functioning (overactive, yes, but functioning) thyroid. But none of these things made me feel that I would be fundamentally different in some way. It's almost as if food is so much a part of my personality that I worry that I will change as a person by having this surgery. Anyone else find themselves feeling that way? This is a scary journey for me, not because I'm worried about the surgery and the risks involved, or the pain. I'm worried about ME, the me that I know so well and who might act in unhealthy ways, but who I'm so comfortable with. Who will this journey turn me into?
becky444

becky444

2
 

No Sleeve?

ok, so Tuesday I got my abdominal ultrasound, which was the last thing I needed pre-surgery. Or so I thought. I got a cal, this morning saying my EKG was abnormal and I needed to come into my primary doctor's office. She sits me down and tells me that my EKG indicates a heart attack in my past! What?!? I have an emergency cardiologist appointment Friday - thank god my primary was able to get me in - to see if I can go ahead with the sleeve Monday. I don't know which I am more upset about...the heart attack or the possibility of not getting sleeved. Is that weird?
becky444

becky444

4
 

Good To Go!

Yay! My heart is ok! Stupid inaccurate EKG's. The cardiologist looked at it and said that yes, it looks like I had a heart attack. But the echo and the stress test were perfect! No heart disease!   So I'm a go for my Monday sleeve! Today is my last day of shakes, tomorrow is clear liquids, then surgery! Thanks everyone for your support!
becky444

becky444

1
 

Feeling Good

So, today was my fourth day in a row of good activity. I have also cut my eating way back. Was kind of hungry, but I ate a lot of fruit to try to overcome that. My original plan had been to do the farewell to food thing, having all my favorites in the few weeks before the pre-surgery diet started, but everything I have been reading hear made me change my mind. I have really come to realize that if I'm going to do this thing, I need to be invested. Since I decided to do the surgery, I just stopped watching what I was eating, and stopped getting any activity in, almost like the surgery was just going to take care of everything for me. After reading up on everyone's experiences, I saw that I was setting myself up to fail. So, here I am, keeping up the blog, watching my food, and trying to be active! Thanks to all the previous posters for such good advice.   I'm so worried about my 2 weeks pre-surgery liquid diet! I'm scared I'm going to get so ravenous that I binge when I get stressed! At least it is only 2 weeks, but stress and hunger are not a good mix for me, and I'm in a really crazy time of my life right now. Well, we will see...off to bed now. Night VST peeps!
becky444

becky444

0
 

Big Decision

So, I'm 40 years old, and have struggled with my weight about 30 of those years. Up and down, up and down. Now, my last "up" has lasted 10 years, and I can't seem to bounce back into the "down" mode. I'm starting to to feel the weight in my joints, and I can't remember the last time I had some real energy. I resisted the surgery for so long, because I felt like a failure if I couldn't do it on my own. Now I realize that the only failure would be if I didn't do all I could to reclaim my life!   One I decided to go for it, the process has been really quick for me. I work full-time and go to school fuul-time, and in July I start an internship on top of that, so I knew that the surgery had to be before July. I now have all my pre-reqs done and have a surgery date of June 18th!   I just started working on the behavioral changes for the surgery. My goodness, if anyone had told me it would be this hard to focus on my chewing I would not have believed it! I'm a little worried about the pre-surgical liquid diet, because I'm sure I will be hungry. I have started replacing one meal with a shake now, and yep, I'm hungry! But that's ok, it will be so worth it in the long run!    
becky444

becky444

0
 

Back On Track

Well, after my scary slip-up last week, I have been doing great. Hunger way down, have to think about having shakes or hours will go by without wanting one. The relationship seems to be stabilizing, which makes me happy. School just started, but only one class over the summer.   Surgery is 1 week from today. I can't wait! I decided today to skip talking about nerves and fears and talk about something happy...goals!   My goal weight loss is 130 pounds, 13 of which I have already lost. But there are so many other goals:   -Going to Great America and riding the rollercoasters -Having no problems fitting into the seat on my annual flight to Tuscon in December -Running a 5k -Rollerblading -Working a full shift at work without my knees and feet hurting -Playing soccer with my nephews -Hiking Wasson Peak in Tuscon -Hiking anywhere! -Being able to take a tall step without grabbing on to anything -Having more energy -Swimming without embarassment   I'm sure there are more, but that's a good list off the top of my head.
becky444

becky444

1
 

3 Days Post...

So I got sleeved on Monday, the 18th. What a whirlwind of emotions!I remember thinking as they were prepping me "maybe this isn't such a good idea", then I woke up in recovery...too late! Since then I have felt proud that I went through with it, I have thought (Many times) "what did I do to myself?" but mostly I have felt surreal that it's done and cannot ever be undone. I wish I could say that more of my feelings have been positive, but I think that will change as I start feeling physically better.   Day 2 was the worst. My pain button was gone, which was good because it meant I passed my x-ray contrast study, but it also meant I went on pain meds every 4 hours instead of when I wanted them. I felt so much nausea and pain yesterday! Forced myself to get up and walk to help the gas move along. BTW, kudos to the wise people on this board who recommended Gas-X strips!!! I never would have survived without them! They were "contraband" at my hospital, but I took them anyways...what a difference! I stopped needing them today when my body started dealing with the gas in its own way.   I'm home now, and I wish I could say I have some relaxation ahead of me. I start training at my internship tomorrow. They know I'm coming off surgery, but it's still 7 long hours tomorrow and Friday. Saturday cannot come soon enough. I have to go study now before I take my next pain meds...talk to you all soon with (hopefully) a more positive outlook!
becky444

becky444

2
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